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The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Three important rules for breaking up
Don't put off breaking up when you know you want to
Prolonging the situation only makes it worse
Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly
Don't make a big production
Don't make up an elaborate story
This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene
If you wanna date other people say so
Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected
Even if you've gone together for only a short time,
And haven't been too serious,
There's still a feeling of rejection
When someone says she prefers the company of others
To your exclusive company,
But if you're honest, and direct,
And avoid making a flowery emotional speech when you brake the news,
The boy will respect you for your frankness,
And honestly he'll appreciate the kind of straight forward manner
In which you told him your decision
Unless he's a real jerk or a cry baby you'll remain friends
Was not expecting Nada Surf to show up in H/A, but damn if Im not glad it did!
Also, this is excellent advice. Don't be evasive. It just leads to the dude banging his head against the wall in frustration because you held out hope. You aren't "sparing his feelings", you're "avoiding confrontation".
reminds me of a date I went on with this gal a few years ago, after the date I was unsure how it went , it went ok but wasnt like LA LA LA AWESOME like I had previously we had fun but that was it, at the end of the date we got on the topic of if there will be a second one and she said,
"I had fun but I just didnt feel that spark. "
I know what the spark is and I agree'd and that was that.
No hard feelings. if the guy gets all boo hoo then tough, thats not your problem.
You have every right to turn down the guy if things didn't "click"
Don't feel guilty about it, just stop returning his calls. If he's a sane guy he'll stop pursuing after a bit, and if he's relentless, well, that should tell you volumes about his character, and probably saved you a great deal of time, energy and most of all, future frustration you'd have to put up with.
I went out with a girl recently. Met up with her once for coffee, went out with her once, and when I tried contacting her after the holidays I got nothing but voice mail. Gave it a few days, called to see if she'd pick up (she didn't), so I forgot about her and moved on with my day.
Most guys aren't used to rejection enough; that's his problem, not yours.
reminds me of a date I went on with this gal a few years ago, after the date I was unsure how it went , it went ok but wasnt like LA LA LA AWESOME like I had previously we had fun but that was it, at the end of the date we got on the topic of if there will be a second one and she said,
"I had fun but I just didnt feel that spark. "
I know what the spark is and I agree'd and that was that.
No hard feelings. if the guy gets all boo hoo then tough, thats not your problem.
So its funny. Back when I was going on dates, that is all the ever happened. I'd get the "Sorry, busy, later?" or just ignored. Not a single woman ever went the "I'm just not that into you" route.
You just learn that later = "no" and not returning your call = "HELL NO!"
So I mean, I guess you could try to be more upfront.
But it's not like you are that different from everyone else either.
I am sick of seeing someone for 2-3 weeks and then they disappear off the face of the Earth. Have the courtesy to at least return a call or text with "I'm sorry, I'm just not interested anymore." Don't be that woman.
exmello on
0
Iron WeaselDillon!You son of a bitch!Registered Userregular
He gets one more date (he wheedled it out of me) and then the nice clean break. Thanks, all.
You should do whatever you like, but I'm not sure this is a good idea. I mean, if you're just not interested in this guy, why on earth would you go on another date with him? Because he "wheedled it out of you"? Doesn't exactly sound like a recipe for a good time for either of you.
Maybe consider calling this guy up and saying, "I know I said we'd go out [whenever], but" and then explain that you're not feeling it and that going on a date would be dishonest and you don't want to lead him on or anything.
Iron Weasel on
Currently Playing:
The Division, Warframe (XB1)
GT: Tanith 6227
I am sick of seeing someone for 2-3 weeks and then they disappear off the face of the Earth. Have the courtesy to at least return a call or text with "I'm sorry, I'm just not interested anymore." Don't be that woman.
It's a survival strategy because when you tell some men that they argue and fight or demand reasons. Or worse get all stabby and rapey or whatever. They just can't know until that moment, and given the risks, it's very understandable to avoid the situation.
In fact, it's so common lots of guys just don't see the massive power differential. You may want to read this discussion. I know I wasn't as aware of the issue before I did.
The small fraction of assholes ruin it for the rest of us. "We" guys just have to take it on the chin and get the fuck over it when it happens.
He gets one more date (he wheedled it out of me) and then the nice clean break. Thanks, all.
You should do whatever you like, but I'm not sure this is a good idea. I mean, if you're just not interested in this guy, why on earth would you go on another date with him? Because he "wheedled it out of you"? Doesn't exactly sound like a recipe for a good time for either of you.
Maybe consider calling this guy up and saying, "I know I said we'd go out [whenever], but" and then explain that you're not feeling it and that going on a date would be dishonest and you don't want to lead him on or anything.
A person who ignores social cues to back off will ignore other cues to get what they want. And that is what a rapist does.
Anyone mind if I go off on a tangent concerning the Schrodinger's Rapist article?
The first thing that woman cites is the 1 in 6 women being sexually assaulted statistic.
This is a statistic that has been thoroughly debunked again and again. And yet its been repeated so many times that its become a part of the public consciousness, creating this rather unfortunate paranoia about men in general. And no more than a few times I've felt myself unjustly on the receiving end of that paranoia. Just sucks is all. Done ranting.
He gets one more date (he wheedled it out of me) and then the nice clean break. Thanks, all.
You should do whatever you like, but I'm not sure this is a good idea. I mean, if you're just not interested in this guy, why on earth would you go on another date with him? Because he "wheedled it out of you"? Doesn't exactly sound like a recipe for a good time for either of you.
Maybe consider calling this guy up and saying, "I know I said we'd go out [whenever], but" and then explain that you're not feeling it and that going on a date would be dishonest and you don't want to lead him on or anything.
A person who ignores social cues to back off will ignore other cues to get what they want. And that is what a rapist does.
What are you even talking about?
If the OP has agreed to a second date, then there has been no "social cue to back off" given, thus he can't ignore it. I'm suggesting the OP give that cue, since going out on the date is pointless anyway.
Iron Weasel on
Currently Playing:
The Division, Warframe (XB1)
GT: Tanith 6227
It's a survival strategy because when you tell some men that they argue and fight or demand reasons. Or worse get all stabby and rapey or whatever. They just can't know until that moment, and given the risks, it's very understandable to avoid the situation.
Very, very few guys 'get all stabby and rapey', and those that do (like, for example, Ted Bundy) are clinical sociopaths. It's not like a normal, mentally healthy person is going to hear a polite rejection and suddenly reach for the hunting knife that they were carrying for... opening those annoying electronics packages that USB memory sticks come in? Fuck.
If you're unfortunate enough to run into a sociopath while dating, it doesn't really matter what you do at that point.
Kevin R Brown on
' As always when their class interests are at stake, the capitalists can dispense with noble sentiments like the right to free speech or the struggle against tyranny.'
He gets one more date (he wheedled it out of me) and then the nice clean break. Thanks, all.
You should do whatever you like, but I'm not sure this is a good idea. I mean, if you're just not interested in this guy, why on earth would you go on another date with him? Because he "wheedled it out of you"? Doesn't exactly sound like a recipe for a good time for either of you.
Maybe consider calling this guy up and saying, "I know I said we'd go out [whenever], but" and then explain that you're not feeling it and that going on a date would be dishonest and you don't want to lead him on or anything.
A person who ignores social cues to back off will ignore other cues to get what they want. And that is what a rapist does.
What are you even talking about?
If the OP has agreed to a second date, then there has been no "social cue to back off" given, thus he can't ignore it. I'm suggesting the OP give that cue, since going out on the date is pointless anyway.
I'm talking about "leading him on". that's not possible since he forced this date. You missed it in the quoted text: "he wheedled it out of me". That's her saying "no date" and him saying "oh plz plz plz..." until she relented. Thus, "a person who ignores social cues to back off will ignore other cues to get what they want."
I'm talking about "leading him on". that's not possible since he forced this date. You missed it in the quoted text: "he wheedled it out of me". That's her saying "no date" and him saying "oh plz plz plz..." until she relented. Thus, "a person who ignores social cues to back off will ignore other cues to get what they want."
Then she is weak and leading him on.
Say no, explain you aren't interested. Hang up.
Be direct, and never play the "I'm busy now maybe later" game, as many guys will (quite fairly) assume "I'm busy now maybe later" means "I'm busy now maybe later."
Make sure you don't negotiate or defend your position. You're not there to tell the guy what's wrong with him, you're not there to debate the merits of your decision not to date him. Partaking in either of those conversations makes your decision into some kind of political or debatable position, one that needs to be defended and could theoretically be somehow "proven wrong."
I'm talking about "leading him on". that's not possible since he forced this date. You missed it in the quoted text: "he wheedled it out of me". That's her saying "no date" and him saying "oh plz plz plz..." until she relented. Thus, "a person who ignores social cues to back off will ignore other cues to get what they want."
Then she is weak and leading him on.
Say no, explain you aren't interested. Hang up.
This sounds pretty straightforward. I read the whole thread, but Esh's post immediately after the OP summed it up best. If they're asking you for dates, not just "let's hang out and be friends", and you don't want to date them, then just say you're not interested.
It's a necessary thing, and while I will admit it can be difficult some times (for me, it's a fear that rejection will mean we can no longer be friends, at all) it's the nicest thing to do. It's not only easiest on them, in the long run it's easiest on you. If they hate you for it, that is their own decision, you cannot control their actions or their maturity level, so don't be afraid of their reaction or let it color your actions. You can only completely control your own actions in the end. And therefore, make your own actions as mature as possible: just let them down quickly and kindly.
Also, with respect to the "guys who react poorly to rejection": Please don't do this to girls. I went on a couple of dates with a guy who I met through friends. He came on way too strong, I just wasn't interested, and after the second date I made it clear that while I liked hanging out with him, I didn't want any more exclusive dates and our relationship wouldn't progress past friendship. For months after that, he would ignore me if he saw me out (we had a good number of mutual friends so this wasn't uncommon), he refused to invite me to events he planned but would invite EVERYONE else we both knew, aaaand to top it all off he apparently talked about how I "led him on" (two dates?! c'mon!) to my current boyfriend. Awesome. Please don't do this.
I wouldn't say she's weak for leading him on. There are always signs, however, men are told to be aggressive. Usually by other women who are trying to give him advice on getting a girl.
In reality, its "Be aggressive, unless I don't want you to, but I won't tell you, and there will be few signs"
But if you don't have a lot of dating experience, it's hard as hell to pick up on those signs.
Going on a date with the intention of breaking up is leading on.
He's not physically forcing her. She needs to say "No thanks, I'm not interested" and leave.
He gets one more date (he wheedled it out of me) and then the nice clean break. Thanks, all.
You should do whatever you like, but I'm not sure this is a good idea. I mean, if you're just not interested in this guy, why on earth would you go on another date with him? Because he "wheedled it out of you"? Doesn't exactly sound like a recipe for a good time for either of you.
Maybe consider calling this guy up and saying, "I know I said we'd go out [whenever], but" and then explain that you're not feeling it and that going on a date would be dishonest and you don't want to lead him on or anything.
A person who ignores social cues to back off will ignore other cues to get what they want. And that is what a rapist does.
What are you even talking about?
If the OP has agreed to a second date, then there has been no "social cue to back off" given, thus he can't ignore it. I'm suggesting the OP give that cue, since going out on the date is pointless anyway.
I'm talking about "leading him on". that's not possible since he forced this date. You missed it in the quoted text: "he wheedled it out of me". That's her saying "no date" and him saying "oh plz plz plz..." until she relented. Thus, "a person who ignores social cues to back off will ignore other cues to get what they want."
I took this to mean something like this:
"not now I'm busy, maybe later...(hope he gets the hint!)" "well when's later? thursday?(ah, she is busy during the week, I like a girl who has her own life)" "no not thursday... (jeez why won't this guy leave me alone? aren't I obvious?)" "how about friday?(guess she was busy thursday)" "no fridays not good for me, I have plans friday(omg! so annoying! someone give this guy a brain!)" "... saturday then?(busy girl, this one)" "oh, I guess I can go out saturday(maybe now he'll leave me alone)" "see you then!(I think she likes me! date #2! score!)"
Captain Vash: Yeah, that's pretty much exactly it. The usual miscommunication.
To those who say I'm weak etc. --yeah, ain't it the truth. I suck at boy-girl things. Chalk it up to being a late bloomer and a people-pleaser by nature; I just hate to say anything that anyone doesn't want to hear. But it's a vice and I know it. Come to think of it I think I'll cancel on him... I don't want the trouble of going to New York because I was too much of a pussy to speak up.
The rape thing is interesting but not relevant in all cases -- in particular, not relevant in mine. Some guys are aggressive and most are not, and the guy in question isn't. Also, I know why I'm bad at turning people down, and it's not because I'm scared of a rapist's atomic fury.
It's because I'm so unused to guys taking an interest in me that it feels awkward turning up my nose at an essentially okay guy. "He's sane, has all his limbs, has XY chromosomes, and he likes me! CAPITALIZE!" It's like the way people who lived through the Depression sometimes spend the rest of their lives stuffing dinner rolls in their pockets for later -- somewhere in their irrational subconscious, they can't seriously believe that they're not going to go hungry again. And somewhere in my irrational subconscious, I can't really believe that I won't wind up lonely again.
Captain Vash: Yeah, that's pretty much exactly it. The usual miscommunication.
To those who say I'm weak etc. --yeah, ain't it the truth. I suck at boy-girl things. Chalk it up to being a late bloomer and a people-pleaser by nature; I just hate to say anything that anyone doesn't want to hear. But it's a vice and I know it. Come to think of it I think I'll cancel on him... I don't want the trouble of going to New York because I was too much of a pussy to speak up.
The rape thing is interesting but not relevant in all cases -- in particular, not relevant in mine. Some guys are aggressive and most are not, and the guy in question isn't. Also, I know why I'm bad at turning people down, and it's not because I'm scared of a rapist's atomic fury.
It's because I'm so unused to guys taking an interest in me that it feels awkward turning up my nose at an essentially okay guy. "He's sane, has all his limbs, has XY chromosomes, and he likes me! CAPITALIZE!" It's like the way people who lived through the Depression sometimes spend the rest of their lives stuffing dinner rolls in their pockets for later -- somewhere in their irrational subconscious, they can't seriously believe that they're not going to go hungry again. And somewhere in my irrational subconscious, I can't really believe that I won't wind up lonely again.
That's fair, but it's much much worse if you go out again which basically signals interest only to later let him down even worse than just cutting it off now.
It might be uncomfortable but it will only be for a minute then it's over. Doing the opposite and going out again with the intention of breaking it off later is mean and only serves to waste his money and emotions.
Let us know how he takes it... you know H/A! Details!!!
rfalias on
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LibrarianThe face of liberal fascismRegistered Userregular
Three important rules for breaking up
Don't put off breaking up when you know you want to
Prolonging the situation only makes it worse
Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly
Don't make a big production
Don't make up an elaborate story
This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene
If you wanna date other people say so
Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected
Even if you've gone together for only a short time,
And haven't been too serious,
There's still a feeling of rejection
When someone says she prefers the company of others
To your exclusive company,
But if you're honest, and direct,
And avoid making a flowery emotional speech when you brake the news,
The boy will respect you for your frankness,
And honestly he'll appreciate the kind of straight forward manner
In which you told him your decision
Unless he's a real jerk or a cry baby you'll remain friends
You guys do realize what irony is and that this is a song about shallow, uncaring, stupid people and that this is really no good advice for breaking up with someone you are in an actual relationship with(though that is definitely not the situation the OP is in)?
The whole song, except for the chorus, is made of parts the 1964 teen advice book Penny's Guide to Teen-Age Charm and Popularity, written by television actress Gloria Winters. The excerpts are spoken in a sarcastic tone by Matthew Caws.
Librarian on
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admanbunionize your workplaceSeattle, WARegistered Userregular
You guys do realize what irony is and that this is a song about high schoolers and that this is really no good advice for breaking up with someone you are in an actual relationship with(though that is definitely not the situation the OP is in)?
To the OP: Don't feel bad about being "weak". No one likes being rejected, and only sociopaths like doing the rejecting. But like rfalias and others have said, you'll both be better off if you just end it now.
To Librarian: Pretty sure no one was talking about real relationships. Just 1-3 date situations, where the song (joke as it may be) is perfectly sound advice.
Captain Vash: Yeah, that's pretty much exactly it. The usual miscommunication.
To those who say I'm weak etc. --yeah, ain't it the truth. I suck at boy-girl things. Chalk it up to being a late bloomer and a people-pleaser by nature; I just hate to say anything that anyone doesn't want to hear. But it's a vice and I know it. Come to think of it I think I'll cancel on him... I don't want the trouble of going to New York because I was too much of a pussy to speak up.
The rape thing is interesting but not relevant in all cases -- in particular, not relevant in mine. Some guys are aggressive and most are not, and the guy in question isn't. Also, I know why I'm bad at turning people down, and it's not because I'm scared of a rapist's atomic fury.
It's because I'm so unused to guys taking an interest in me that it feels awkward turning up my nose at an essentially okay guy. "He's sane, has all his limbs, has XY chromosomes, and he likes me! CAPITALIZE!" It's like the way people who lived through the Depression sometimes spend the rest of their lives stuffing dinner rolls in their pockets for later -- somewhere in their irrational subconscious, they can't seriously believe that they're not going to go hungry again. And somewhere in my irrational subconscious, I can't really believe that I won't wind up lonely again.
That's fair, but it's much much worse if you go out again which basically signals interest only to later let him down even worse than just cutting it off now.
It might be uncomfortable but it will only be for a minute then it's over. Doing the opposite and going out again with the intention of breaking it off later is mean and only serves to waste his money and emotions.
Let us know how he takes it... you know H/A! Details!!!
On the other hand, deciding that you "don't love" someone after the first date seems a little... purile is the wrong word, as is vain, but you get the ghist. Most people still have a heavily crafted facade at that point, and it's kind of silly to expect swoon-level chemistry after one meeting. It'd seem more fair to treat him for one more date to be sure and explain at the end.
Captain Vash: Yeah, that's pretty much exactly it. The usual miscommunication.
To those who say I'm weak etc. --yeah, ain't it the truth. I suck at boy-girl things. Chalk it up to being a late bloomer and a people-pleaser by nature; I just hate to say anything that anyone doesn't want to hear. But it's a vice and I know it. Come to think of it I think I'll cancel on him... I don't want the trouble of going to New York because I was too much of a pussy to speak up.
The rape thing is interesting but not relevant in all cases -- in particular, not relevant in mine. Some guys are aggressive and most are not, and the guy in question isn't. Also, I know why I'm bad at turning people down, and it's not because I'm scared of a rapist's atomic fury.
It's because I'm so unused to guys taking an interest in me that it feels awkward turning up my nose at an essentially okay guy. "He's sane, has all his limbs, has XY chromosomes, and he likes me! CAPITALIZE!" It's like the way people who lived through the Depression sometimes spend the rest of their lives stuffing dinner rolls in their pockets for later -- somewhere in their irrational subconscious, they can't seriously believe that they're not going to go hungry again. And somewhere in my irrational subconscious, I can't really believe that I won't wind up lonely again.
That's fair, but it's much much worse if you go out again which basically signals interest only to later let him down even worse than just cutting it off now.
It might be uncomfortable but it will only be for a minute then it's over. Doing the opposite and going out again with the intention of breaking it off later is mean and only serves to waste his money and emotions.
Let us know how he takes it... you know H/A! Details!!!
On the other hand, deciding that you "don't love" someone after the first date seems a little... purile is the wrong word, as is vain, but you get the ghist. Most people still have a heavily crafted facade at that point, and it's kind of silly to expect swoon-level chemistry after one meeting. It'd seem more fair to treat him for one more date to be sure and explain at the end.
You can tell if you are at least attracted or interested in someone. That's the whole point of dating. If you aren't interested why bother? Unless she's out for free shit, why lead him on?
To those who say I'm weak etc. --yeah, ain't it the truth. I suck at boy-girl things. Chalk it up to being a late bloomer and a people-pleaser by nature; I just hate to say anything that anyone doesn't want to hear. But it's a vice and I know it. Come to think of it I think I'll cancel on him... I don't want the trouble of going to New York because I was too much of a pussy to speak up.
The first girl I dated was a people-pleaser, to the point that she would make plans with me- because she didn't want to say no and disappoint me- then cancel them at the last possible second because she had promised somebody else something. That behavior dragged the relationship out until I realized it was never going to change and ended it. It's become a behavior I watch out for closely- you can't please everyone all the time, and if you try you're just going to end up pissing everyone off.
And from one late-bloomer to another, assuming you've got things going on for yourself, you can be as choosy as you want. You'd be surprised how many opportunities you have if you're put-together. It doesn't mean they'll work out, but it can be fun trying.
I said the "I had a good time but I didn't think it clicked" thing. I also told him I didn't have time to travel to see him all the time (true) and I'd be graduating this year so nothing could be long-term (also true.)
He didn't give up, the stinker.
He's desperate or something. He doesn't get a lot of interesting female company (usual situation of the recent college grad in a town full of strangers) and he's pinned his goddamn hopes on me.
I wanted to tell him, "I'm trying to turn you down, silly!"
But it seems I have a second date in two weeks ...
Fuck.
I'm going to have to write him an all-caps email saying I'M NOT INTERESTED or something. Why do boys think that if they wish for something enough, it will come true?
Esh nailed it. We're born and raised to get beat up, so getting rejected ain't so bad. Getting strung along (even unintentionally) is much, much worse.
I can not agree with this enough.
As a guy, an honest no beat the living shit out of being strung along. Seriously, you can simply say to a further request "No, I don't want to go out again and that won't change, sorry." and sometimes it doesn't hurt at all since you know there's no point in trying anymore and you can move on.
I said the "I had a good time but I didn't think it clicked" thing. I also told him I didn't have time to travel to see him all the time (true) and I'd be graduating this year so nothing could be long-term (also true.)
He didn't give up, the stinker.
He's desperate or something. He doesn't get a lot of interesting female company (usual situation of the recent college grad in a town full of strangers) and he's pinned his goddamn hopes on me.
I wanted to tell him, "I'm trying to turn you down, silly!"
But it seems I have a second date in two weeks ...
Fuck.
I'm going to have to write him an all-caps email saying I'M NOT INTERESTED or something. Why do boys think that if they wish for something enough, it will come true?
Cel, call him back and say "I'm sorry for the confusion but I'm not interested, please don't call me again."
If the subtle approach isn't working you can't be afraid to actually tell him the blatant truth.
Usagi on
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ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, ModeratorMod Emeritus
edited January 2010
Just tell him no. How do you have another date? At this point you know what you want and that's to not talk to him anymore. "Letting him down gently" by letting him date you again is not only not letting him down, but also asking for bad things. You're the bad guy right now. Be straight up with him, thereby making yourself less bad, and be done with it.
Or, let him think he's got another date until you end up married to the guy. It could work out, I suppose.
"Haha, kids, I tried to turn your father down a million times, but he just wouldn't let up. Ten years and two pregnancies later, I knew that it was meant to be. Or stopped fighting fate. Or got bored of trying to break up with him. One of those."
ceres on
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
No, you're right. Damnit.
E-mail sent.
"I'm sorry for the confusion, but I'm not actually interested. I didn't mean to get your hopes up. Not your fault, but I don't think it's going to work out."
A sane person should be able to understand that.
No, you're right. Damnit.
E-mail sent.
"I'm sorry for the confusion, but I'm not actually interested. I didn't mean to get your hopes up. Not your fault, but I don't think it's going to work out."
A sane person should be able to understand that.
It's a shame, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. For some people they are just so desperate that they cling to any scrap of attention like it's the last they will ever get. Others see it as a personal failing, and the other person doesn't even factor in... if you reject them it just means they have to try harder.
Then, of course, you can't forget the wonderful lessons that some take to heart from all the cheesy romance comedies and the like, where all they have to do is just stay strong and true and the girl/guy will swoon for them in the end.
Either way, that should be enough to let him know... and if it isn't, you've done your part and don't have to worry if you need to give him the cold shoulder from now on.
EclecticGroove on
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ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, ModeratorMod Emeritus
edited January 2010
This is good. The ONLY thing I can see doing differently is to be a bit more specific, but it shouldn't be necessary and you did good.
ceres on
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
My usual modes of evasion are not working.
Advice??
Stop evading the problem and confront it. You aren't going to solve a problem by avoiding and evading it. Simpley be honest and confront him straight on and let him know you are not interested, it's will always be the best method; don't worry about hurt feelings because the sooner you deal with telling him the truth, the less painful it will be for him.
Zyre on
0
The Black HunterThe key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple,unimpeachable reason to existRegistered Userregular
edited January 2010
I was recently led on for a year and a half
don't be like that
like that nada surf song
dont do that
The Black Hunter on
0
The Black HunterThe key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple,unimpeachable reason to existRegistered Userregular
No, you're right. Damnit.
E-mail sent.
"I'm sorry for the confusion, but I'm not actually interested. I didn't mean to get your hopes up. Not your fault, but I don't think it's going to work out."
A sane person should be able to understand that.
It's a shame, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. For some people they are just so desperate that they cling to any scrap of attention like it's the last they will ever get. Others see it as a personal failing, and the other person doesn't even factor in... if you reject them it just means they have to try harder.
Then, of course, you can't forget the wonderful lessons that some take to heart from all the cheesy romance comedies and the like, where all they have to do is just stay strong and true and the girl/guy will swoon for them in the end.
Either way, that should be enough to let him know... and if it isn't, you've done your part and don't have to worry if you need to give him the cold shoulder from now on.
So you tell them again
without the niceties
if they continue, you tell them to up and fuck off, before you consider getting authorities involved
Posts
Was not expecting Nada Surf to show up in H/A, but damn if Im not glad it did!
Also, this is excellent advice. Don't be evasive. It just leads to the dude banging his head against the wall in frustration because you held out hope. You aren't "sparing his feelings", you're "avoiding confrontation".
"I had fun but I just didnt feel that spark. "
I know what the spark is and I agree'd and that was that.
No hard feelings. if the guy gets all boo hoo then tough, thats not your problem.
Or be a decent person and just cut it off.
This is really tactful. I like it.
You just learn that later = "no" and not returning your call = "HELL NO!"
So I mean, I guess you could try to be more upfront.
But it's not like you are that different from everyone else either.
Maybe consider calling this guy up and saying, "I know I said we'd go out [whenever], but" and then explain that you're not feeling it and that going on a date would be dishonest and you don't want to lead him on or anything.
The Division, Warframe (XB1)
GT: Tanith 6227
It's a survival strategy because when you tell some men that they argue and fight or demand reasons. Or worse get all stabby and rapey or whatever. They just can't know until that moment, and given the risks, it's very understandable to avoid the situation.
In fact, it's so common lots of guys just don't see the massive power differential. You may want to read this discussion. I know I wasn't as aware of the issue before I did.
The small fraction of assholes ruin it for the rest of us. "We" guys just have to take it on the chin and get the fuck over it when it happens.
A person who ignores social cues to back off will ignore other cues to get what they want. And that is what a rapist does.
This is a statistic that has been thoroughly debunked again and again. And yet its been repeated so many times that its become a part of the public consciousness, creating this rather unfortunate paranoia about men in general. And no more than a few times I've felt myself unjustly on the receiving end of that paranoia. Just sucks is all. Done ranting.
If the OP has agreed to a second date, then there has been no "social cue to back off" given, thus he can't ignore it. I'm suggesting the OP give that cue, since going out on the date is pointless anyway.
The Division, Warframe (XB1)
GT: Tanith 6227
Very, very few guys 'get all stabby and rapey', and those that do (like, for example, Ted Bundy) are clinical sociopaths. It's not like a normal, mentally healthy person is going to hear a polite rejection and suddenly reach for the hunting knife that they were carrying for... opening those annoying electronics packages that USB memory sticks come in? Fuck.
If you're unfortunate enough to run into a sociopath while dating, it doesn't really matter what you do at that point.
I'm talking about "leading him on". that's not possible since he forced this date. You missed it in the quoted text: "he wheedled it out of me". That's her saying "no date" and him saying "oh plz plz plz..." until she relented. Thus, "a person who ignores social cues to back off will ignore other cues to get what they want."
Then she is weak and leading him on.
Say no, explain you aren't interested. Hang up.
Make sure you don't negotiate or defend your position. You're not there to tell the guy what's wrong with him, you're not there to debate the merits of your decision not to date him. Partaking in either of those conversations makes your decision into some kind of political or debatable position, one that needs to be defended and could theoretically be somehow "proven wrong."
It's a necessary thing, and while I will admit it can be difficult some times (for me, it's a fear that rejection will mean we can no longer be friends, at all) it's the nicest thing to do. It's not only easiest on them, in the long run it's easiest on you. If they hate you for it, that is their own decision, you cannot control their actions or their maturity level, so don't be afraid of their reaction or let it color your actions. You can only completely control your own actions in the end. And therefore, make your own actions as mature as possible: just let them down quickly and kindly.
Also, with respect to the "guys who react poorly to rejection": Please don't do this to girls. I went on a couple of dates with a guy who I met through friends. He came on way too strong, I just wasn't interested, and after the second date I made it clear that while I liked hanging out with him, I didn't want any more exclusive dates and our relationship wouldn't progress past friendship. For months after that, he would ignore me if he saw me out (we had a good number of mutual friends so this wasn't uncommon), he refused to invite me to events he planned but would invite EVERYONE else we both knew, aaaand to top it all off he apparently talked about how I "led him on" (two dates?! c'mon!) to my current boyfriend. Awesome. Please don't do this.
In reality, its "Be aggressive, unless I don't want you to, but I won't tell you, and there will be few signs"
But if you don't have a lot of dating experience, it's hard as hell to pick up on those signs.
Going on a date with the intention of breaking up is leading on.
He's not physically forcing her. She needs to say "No thanks, I'm not interested" and leave.
I took this to mean something like this:
"not now I'm busy, maybe later...(hope he gets the hint!)"
"well when's later? thursday?(ah, she is busy during the week, I like a girl who has her own life)"
"no not thursday... (jeez why won't this guy leave me alone? aren't I obvious?)"
"how about friday?(guess she was busy thursday)"
"no fridays not good for me, I have plans friday(omg! so annoying! someone give this guy a brain!)"
"... saturday then?(busy girl, this one)"
"oh, I guess I can go out saturday(maybe now he'll leave me alone)"
"see you then!(I think she likes me! date #2! score!)"
To those who say I'm weak etc. --yeah, ain't it the truth. I suck at boy-girl things. Chalk it up to being a late bloomer and a people-pleaser by nature; I just hate to say anything that anyone doesn't want to hear. But it's a vice and I know it. Come to think of it I think I'll cancel on him... I don't want the trouble of going to New York because I was too much of a pussy to speak up.
The rape thing is interesting but not relevant in all cases -- in particular, not relevant in mine. Some guys are aggressive and most are not, and the guy in question isn't. Also, I know why I'm bad at turning people down, and it's not because I'm scared of a rapist's atomic fury.
It's because I'm so unused to guys taking an interest in me that it feels awkward turning up my nose at an essentially okay guy. "He's sane, has all his limbs, has XY chromosomes, and he likes me! CAPITALIZE!" It's like the way people who lived through the Depression sometimes spend the rest of their lives stuffing dinner rolls in their pockets for later -- somewhere in their irrational subconscious, they can't seriously believe that they're not going to go hungry again. And somewhere in my irrational subconscious, I can't really believe that I won't wind up lonely again.
http://numberblog.wordpress.com/
That's fair, but it's much much worse if you go out again which basically signals interest only to later let him down even worse than just cutting it off now.
It might be uncomfortable but it will only be for a minute then it's over. Doing the opposite and going out again with the intention of breaking it off later is mean and only serves to waste his money and emotions.
Let us know how he takes it... you know H/A! Details!!!
You guys do realize what irony is and that this is a song about shallow, uncaring, stupid people and that this is really no good advice for breaking up with someone you are in an actual relationship with(though that is definitely not the situation the OP is in)?
FTFY
To Librarian: Pretty sure no one was talking about real relationships. Just 1-3 date situations, where the song (joke as it may be) is perfectly sound advice.
On the other hand, deciding that you "don't love" someone after the first date seems a little... purile is the wrong word, as is vain, but you get the ghist. Most people still have a heavily crafted facade at that point, and it's kind of silly to expect swoon-level chemistry after one meeting. It'd seem more fair to treat him for one more date to be sure and explain at the end.
You can tell if you are at least attracted or interested in someone. That's the whole point of dating. If you aren't interested why bother? Unless she's out for free shit, why lead him on?
The first girl I dated was a people-pleaser, to the point that she would make plans with me- because she didn't want to say no and disappoint me- then cancel them at the last possible second because she had promised somebody else something. That behavior dragged the relationship out until I realized it was never going to change and ended it. It's become a behavior I watch out for closely- you can't please everyone all the time, and if you try you're just going to end up pissing everyone off.
And from one late-bloomer to another, assuming you've got things going on for yourself, you can be as choosy as you want. You'd be surprised how many opportunities you have if you're put-together. It doesn't mean they'll work out, but it can be fun trying.
I said the "I had a good time but I didn't think it clicked" thing. I also told him I didn't have time to travel to see him all the time (true) and I'd be graduating this year so nothing could be long-term (also true.)
He didn't give up, the stinker.
He's desperate or something. He doesn't get a lot of interesting female company (usual situation of the recent college grad in a town full of strangers) and he's pinned his goddamn hopes on me.
I wanted to tell him, "I'm trying to turn you down, silly!"
But it seems I have a second date in two weeks ...
Fuck.
I'm going to have to write him an all-caps email saying I'M NOT INTERESTED or something. Why do boys think that if they wish for something enough, it will come true?
http://numberblog.wordpress.com/
I can not agree with this enough.
As a guy, an honest no beat the living shit out of being strung along. Seriously, you can simply say to a further request "No, I don't want to go out again and that won't change, sorry." and sometimes it doesn't hurt at all since you know there's no point in trying anymore and you can move on.
Margaret Thatcher
Cel, call him back and say "I'm sorry for the confusion but I'm not interested, please don't call me again."
If the subtle approach isn't working you can't be afraid to actually tell him the blatant truth.
Or, let him think he's got another date until you end up married to the guy. It could work out, I suppose.
"Haha, kids, I tried to turn your father down a million times, but he just wouldn't let up. Ten years and two pregnancies later, I knew that it was meant to be. Or stopped fighting fate. Or got bored of trying to break up with him. One of those."
E-mail sent.
"I'm sorry for the confusion, but I'm not actually interested. I didn't mean to get your hopes up. Not your fault, but I don't think it's going to work out."
A sane person should be able to understand that.
http://numberblog.wordpress.com/
Good, because that's exactly what you should say. Should have said.
Hurry up and say this.
It's a shame, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. For some people they are just so desperate that they cling to any scrap of attention like it's the last they will ever get. Others see it as a personal failing, and the other person doesn't even factor in... if you reject them it just means they have to try harder.
Then, of course, you can't forget the wonderful lessons that some take to heart from all the cheesy romance comedies and the like, where all they have to do is just stay strong and true and the girl/guy will swoon for them in the end.
Either way, that should be enough to let him know... and if it isn't, you've done your part and don't have to worry if you need to give him the cold shoulder from now on.
Stop evading the problem and confront it. You aren't going to solve a problem by avoiding and evading it. Simpley be honest and confront him straight on and let him know you are not interested, it's will always be the best method; don't worry about hurt feelings because the sooner you deal with telling him the truth, the less painful it will be for him.
don't be like that
like that nada surf song
dont do that
So you tell them again
without the niceties
if they continue, you tell them to up and fuck off, before you consider getting authorities involved
How could you be led on for a year and a half? Did you never make a move?