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Girlfriend Attitude Problems
Dr. Frenchenstein
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So i've been dating a girl for about 7 months, and she HATES my female roommate/friend. honestly, i can understand why. My roommate can be kind of a bitch/brat, and the girl who introduced my GF and I doesn't like her either. So first impressions and all that. however, i have to live with this girl and my GF just acts irrationally around her. like the fact that my roommate is upstairs watching TV is a personal affront. She likes to talk shit about her with people that also don't like her. I'm not saying she needs to be BFF's with my roommate, but it's my roommate and friend. At least try to not do that stuff when i am around, right?
Anyways, more to the point. I'm starting to see that this is perhaps just the tip of the iceberg. Whenever i introduce her to friends of mine that are girls, she instantly gets shitty and says she doesn't like them, and i have to play firefighter. I know girls don't like other girls, but this is a bit ridiculous. I am a pretty laid back guy, so all this negativity really gets to me sometimes. Lately, we've been getting into arguments out in public, which i really don't like to do. It's embarassing, and we both look psycho. a lot of times, i think she gets paranoid when she is drinking that people are making fun of her. Once, a liquor rep offered us shots of some booze she was promoting, and my GF called her a bitch. hopefully out of an earshot. She gets a disgusted look on her face (often with a "oh you are always right, i'm always wrong tone") whenever i point out that she is wrong about whatever. We are both smart people, but sometimes we're wrong! I'd want people to tell me if i was wrong about something! (and this is not opinion wrong, but facts)
What can i do to stop this shitty behavior? it's starting to really get to me, as i am a laid back guy, and this negativity really exhausts me. Sometimes i don't want to go out with my friends because i'm afraid she will flip her bitch switch, and make me miserable. I enjoy going out, and she seems to like some of my friends. I've tried talking to her about it when we are both sober, and she always says "i know, i really try not to be mean" but it always keeps happening. I have a tendency to bail when relationships get tough, and i am really trying to stick this out and deal with the issue. but i'm worried she is just a bitch, and nothing will change that. things aren't as bad when it's just us alone, but i can still see glimmers of it sometimes. She really doesn't have any friends (the ones she does have, she bitches to me about A LOT) so we're usually together like 24/7. i wonder if it might be a bit of cabin fever as well. I've been limited with a broken hand for about a month, and also have been mired in some legal issues (I'm due some money, and dude is not paying up. Therefore i owe a lawyer lots of dough to try and get it for me). we're going to antigua in March for a destination wedding. i definitely want to wait at least until then to really decide.
What do you guys think? is this just going to get worse? should i confront her about it again? should we break up now and get it over with? I don't really want to talk to my friends about it, as i'm afraid they might attack her, and i'll get defensive and not listen to rational advice.
Anyways, more to the point. I'm starting to see that this is perhaps just the tip of the iceberg. Whenever i introduce her to friends of mine that are girls, she instantly gets shitty and says she doesn't like them, and i have to play firefighter. I know girls don't like other girls, but this is a bit ridiculous. I am a pretty laid back guy, so all this negativity really gets to me sometimes. Lately, we've been getting into arguments out in public, which i really don't like to do. It's embarassing, and we both look psycho. a lot of times, i think she gets paranoid when she is drinking that people are making fun of her. Once, a liquor rep offered us shots of some booze she was promoting, and my GF called her a bitch. hopefully out of an earshot. She gets a disgusted look on her face (often with a "oh you are always right, i'm always wrong tone") whenever i point out that she is wrong about whatever. We are both smart people, but sometimes we're wrong! I'd want people to tell me if i was wrong about something! (and this is not opinion wrong, but facts)
What can i do to stop this shitty behavior? it's starting to really get to me, as i am a laid back guy, and this negativity really exhausts me. Sometimes i don't want to go out with my friends because i'm afraid she will flip her bitch switch, and make me miserable. I enjoy going out, and she seems to like some of my friends. I've tried talking to her about it when we are both sober, and she always says "i know, i really try not to be mean" but it always keeps happening. I have a tendency to bail when relationships get tough, and i am really trying to stick this out and deal with the issue. but i'm worried she is just a bitch, and nothing will change that. things aren't as bad when it's just us alone, but i can still see glimmers of it sometimes. She really doesn't have any friends (the ones she does have, she bitches to me about A LOT) so we're usually together like 24/7. i wonder if it might be a bit of cabin fever as well. I've been limited with a broken hand for about a month, and also have been mired in some legal issues (I'm due some money, and dude is not paying up. Therefore i owe a lawyer lots of dough to try and get it for me). we're going to antigua in March for a destination wedding. i definitely want to wait at least until then to really decide.
What do you guys think? is this just going to get worse? should i confront her about it again? should we break up now and get it over with? I don't really want to talk to my friends about it, as i'm afraid they might attack her, and i'll get defensive and not listen to rational advice.
Dr. Frenchenstein on
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edit: People can change of their own accord, and the only thing you can do is encourage it. People do not change for others, they change for themselves. You won't change negativity, maybe some slobyness or shit like that you can affect.
Maybe let her know that you don't know if you can hang around if she can't fix this problem.
My boyfriend has a lot of lady friends, but I don't care what they have between their legs because I know he's not going to do anything. Your girlfriend needs to understand that as well.
Though, it may not be the whole "female rivalry" thing at all, and I'm totally wrong, but that's what it certainly comes across as.
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1) When girls get negative with other girls, it's generally because they feel threatened or insecure. You, a guy, are living with a girl; for some girls this is a small issue because, hey, you're LIVING with this girl, you're constantly around her, and it sounds like you guys are at least somewhat good friends. There isn't much YOU can do about this, except to make it clear to your girlfriend that you are not in the least bit interested in your roommate and never would or could be. If your girlfriend can't handle that or accept it, that's her problem and she needs to deal with her insecurity issues.
2) "Girls don't like other girls." This goes back to (1). It's completely untrue and is an urban legend. Don't believe it. I have absolutely no problem with my boyfriend's female friends - in fact I usually like them a lot, because there's a good reason he's friends with them - unless they are overtly rude or bitchy to me at first. Out of the 20+ female friends of his that I've met, this has only happened once. (was this past Saturday too, fun times!) It is not normal for girls to hate or act mean to every single girl they meet.
What I think you should do:
1) Tell her that she is ruining the times you go out by acting like a bitch. Tell her that you don't like going out with her, and if her behavior happens again, you will stop going out with her and you will go out with your friends, because you are sick of your nights being ruined. Tell her this when you are both sober. (of course)
2) If she continues to act shitty, stick to your guns and stop hanging out with her so much.
3) Absolutely do not let her turn this on to you. "It's your fault you don't have fun around me when I act like a bitch!" No. It's her problem. You have fun when she's not there. You don't have fun when she's there. In the present setup, she is the addition that ruins things. She either needs to change, or she needs to stop being there.
4) If, after a trial period (during the time up to and through the destination wedding), she has not proven she is capable of not being a bitch, let her know (after the wedding) that you can't take it any more. Give her an ultimatum: Change or you'll leave. The change needs to be 100%, immediately, no lapses, because you've already given her a couple months to transition and she hasn't done it.
IMO this is the best course of action; it gives her a chance to change and puts the ball in her court. If this relationship is worth it to her, she'll put in the effort to chill the fuck out. I'll warn you though - I'm with Improv on this one, most people can't or won't change permanently. Most changes end up temporary, so if you're back here in a few months with a "She was good for a little while, but now it sucks again!", I will be right here with my "not surprised" face on.
To be honest, some people just don't get along. It sounds like your girlfriend goes out of her way to dislike people, though, and her negativity is probably more obvious to others than you realize. I've found that when I was a bit younger I was more openly critical of people and their personal likes and dislikes, and because of that I didn't have many friends. Now that I'm striving to be more positive, emphasizing points where people and I agree and having civil discussions where we disagree, people seem much more willing to hang out and be friendly.
For example, both my wife and I dislike romantic comedies. But when female friends talk about a recent one that we saw, we don't say "we hate romcoms, they're a waste of celluloid, I can't believe anyone watches them," we just say "I've heard of that, but haven't seen it. I don't know much about it." Which is, of course, a much more civil and neutral thing, despite the fact that we obviously have some strong opinions on it. But there's no point in dumping on other people just to do it, and it's a great way to make friends not want to be around you.
So bring up the negativity and say that it makes hanging out with her kind of a downer. If you still like her a lot, then say so, and encourage her to focus on things she likes, rather than only stuff that bugs her.
Tell her your concerns but don't set ultimatums. Just tell her people would like her better if she was more positive and accepting.
She has probably noticed that no-one likes her, but she doesn't realize that she could be liked better if she was nicer. She probably thinks that she's just a basically unlikeable person, so it doesn't make any difference whether she is nice or not. Just assure her that she is a likeable person, and that friends will come if she doesn't build walls.
I make that point because OP, you seem to have a girlfriend like this. I suspect she wants all your attention, and any other girl you have as a friend or roommate she sees as direct competition, and she's going to cut them down with a vengeance every chance she gets. You have one option, and because this behavior is childish to begin with, I don't think you need to be having a heart to heart or talking it out, you need to call it what is, childish. Tell her she needs to grow up and that you will not put up with her ragging on other women all the time, as you are sick of being on the defensive and her negativity is bringing you down. And when she starts acting out, you need to make it clear it's unacceptable, and refuse to engage in it.
That may mean you guys end up breaking up, but if you're already unhappy with her behavior, that may not be the worst thing anyway. Regardless I would certainly put your foot down about it now than later, as why ruin a perfectly good trip to the beach by having to play inter-mediator the whole time because someone got on your gf's badside.
Edit: Oh and it appears a lot of this happens when booze is involved? Cut back on the drinking and see what happens. I know that can be tough, but you'd be surprised what just taking a one weekend break from boozing can do.
i don't see her changing. you may convince her to put up a facade of civility, but difficult people usually never get over their bullshit.
bitch
Actually, this is a very good point. If she's actively trying not to be a bitch, but is still being a gigantic insufferable one... Well, then maybe it's time to call it quits. I wouldn't want to see her actually trying to be a bitch.
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I think Dark_Side's advice is basically sound, though I wouldn't use such harsh wording. Just tell her flat out that you don't tolerate anybody bagging on other people around you, and ask her to please stop doing it. She might or might not have the wherewithal to appreciate that you're singling out the behaviour rather than her, but at least that way you know you were clear.
Either she'll shape up or she won't. If she won't shape up, I wouldn't stay. People like that can turn into an endless pit of need for attention and assurance, and can end up alienating you from the other people you love. That's no good at all.
As for what you can do? Well, communication is all you can do. I know you've spoken to her about it, but it sounds like you really need to sit her down and tell her that it's getting to you. After that, then that's all you can do... And you have to make a decision.
I totally do the bold thing though. Probably not the best trait.
As for you, OP, she sounds to me like...not so great. I think it's jealousy or insecurity. Then again if it's not that, maybe evaluate why you're dating her?
Some gals like the whole jealousy thing. Some couples get off on going on mutual jealous rages and then having hot makeup sex. When you have a matched couple like that, hey, it's all good. The OP is clearly not one of these people, however.
thanks for all the advice guys. we really only drink on the weekends, that just happens to be what we do when we go out with my friends. This meanness is not as pronounced when sober, but if i mention some girl she "doesn't like" i do get a sneer.
What will this accomplish? Maybe she'll be a bit better about it for a while, but do you think she's really going to change long term? It's clear that she's pretty much ok with her behavior and you're not. You have a fundamental difference in values. Like someone already said, either accept that about her and learn to live with it (but only if you are actually ok with it) or just end the relationship and move on.
My husband has an entire set of friends that I'm sure are lovely people deep down somewhere where I can't see it, but I really hate being around them, and I know I can be a bitch when I'm cranky. When he goes to see them, I almost always opt to stay home. I don't want to be that way, and they don't need me there bringing things down if I'm going to be, so it's best for everyone.
If your girlfriend has to go everywhere with you, then she also has to be nice, and she needs to be made to understand that. If she can't be nice but you otherwise like being around her and don't want to dump her, then don't take her when you go with those friends. If she can't handle one of those two things, then you have to decide if you want to stay with someone who will put your friends down, possibly even in their presence.
Like a number of posters have stated before, a little jealousy can be something people of all genders feel from time to time. Your problem here, like you stated in your post title, is that your GF has a complete attitude problem. People's attitudes can change, given time and a reason to change, but you really have to ask yourself if this is a transformation you see realistically happening with this girl. You have given yourself some time to see if she might change, but just make sure you aren't the one changing here--you do not want to get used to the kind of behavior she is exhibiting every day and mistaking it with what should be decent human behavior. If you really want to stay with her, let her know how her attitude is affecting you and is perceived by others--maybe that would be what she needs to get herself to be less caustic. But if I were you, I'd pretty much just go with my first statement.
and all girls don't hate other girls
girls who are very insecure and unhappy with themselves do.
I by no means hate other girls. I am a bit of a tomboy, with tomboyish interests, so for that reason, I feel I can relate to boys a bit better, but my best friends are all females.
I'm not super insecure though. I do still get jealous! I must admit, some of humble's friends sort of wear on my nerves... one girl in particular because she's pretty and he once let slip that most of his female friends start out as crushes and... well.. besides the point...
As for tackling the insecurity
why not talk to her about it?
just be upfront and adult about the situation, not accusatory, but next time she does it just say "look i get the feeling you're a little jealous of the other females in my life, do you want to talk about it?"
she'll probably do one of two things... cry/apologize, say you're right and talk about it like a civil person
or freak out at you and say "what do you mean jealous, are you saying i have a REASON to be jealous" and then you'll probably fight a bit
the trick is to remain calm, assure her you care about her and there's no reason for her to be jealous and that her insecurities with your relationship are unfounded and are causing unnecessary stress on the relationship.
if she's at all sane, she will possibly show some anger and embarrassment at her pride being hurt externally (no one likes to be called out for their personality flaws), but will internalize it a little better and will hopefully be more mindful of it.
there's no soft way of approaching "hey i think you've got a shitty personality when you're around my girl friends"
you just sort of have to be prepared for it i guess.