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Living situation woes
Frust
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
This is an alt, and although I don't really have a terrible amount of "friends" here, I'd still rather not have this associated with my normal interactions with everyone.
I have a bit of a predicament.
I live "at home" still. The house is mine (I have the mortgage anyway), and my mother and sister (and a room and boarder) live with me.
I work full time as does my mother.
We have an agreement worked out in which I will pay the mortgage, and she will pay the utilities and purchase food for everyone.
The way this works out, I end up paying more per month towards bills than she does.
However, she is not holding up her end of the bargain.
The way the income works out is that she makes almost twice as much as I do (almost 4k monthly, versus my 1.6-2.5k [I work commission]). She has her paycheque, child support for my sister from the father, and rent from the boarder.
I receive absolutely none of this money, and pay my portion of the bills from my employment earnings.
Lately, she has not been paying the bills correctly. I say correctly because if the cable bill is 120 dollars, she will pay 90, and assume that everything is fine. Since the utilities are in my name, after a few months, we get cut off and suddenly I have to pay 400 dollars that I was not prepared to pay. She will not tell me that she has underpaid at any point during the time period.
I suppose it's really my fault for not keeping a closer eye on things, but I will ask her if everything is up to date and she will acknowledge that this is the case.
It's also been about 6 weeks since she has gone grocery shopping. She has bought no food. My sister, who is 16, pretty much never comes home anymore because there is nothing to eat, and nothing to do here. The room and boarder is typically never home for the same reason. If he had any other feasible living situation to transition to, I would have no doubt that he would leave.
I am at my wits end. I love my mom. She raised me. She's helped me so much throughout my life, but this has been going on for almost 3 years and I can't take it anymore. I'm angry all the time. I'm sad. I withdraw to my room and stay there whenever I don't work, or sleep. I don't have friends or a girlfriend because I can't afford to have friends and girlfriend. I can't go out. I owe too much money to too many places. I am trying to save my money, I'm a great saver and a thrifty person, but these surprise bills take me back to zero every time.
It's a weird thing because both my parents are absolutely fucking awful with money. My father spent my entire young life telling me that I would have a full college tuition ready to go when I was of age. When the time came, he spent it. Literally right before I went to college. He told me
"Ooops, yeah, I can't give you that money because I have to have it for some other things, sorry. Guess you'll have to tell that university that has accepted you that you can't go."
I never held a job during high school because I worked REALLY FUCKING HARD at getting good grades. I suck horribly at math, but you better believe I made the extra fucking effort to get a decent grade. I didn't have the funds saved, and had no preparation period for continuing education after that. The real world caught up with me immediately.
Thanks Dad.
He actually gave me a thousand dollars 9 months later and assumed that he was providing this huge humanitarian effort. I haven't spoken to him much since then. Whenever I have talked to him, he always insults my line of work and asks why I can't seem to find a better job than one I have.
Anyway, this house is all I have. It's worth less than I owe on it. I can't borrow any more money because I don't have the collateral. My credit is good, but I have nothing more to offer.
What do I do? Whenever I try and talk to her about how the finances are handled I get a guilt trip (in the form of "I raised you, I help you a lot etc"), she gets defensive, angry and sad, and I just spiral into a bigger depression than before. I smoke marijuana daily. I am a budget smoker in that when I buy a portion, I budget it so that it lasts X amount of time at which point I should have the funds to acquire more.
My mother really got me into it. Before I turned 23, I had never smoked marijuana in my life. To blame her is pretty retarded as it was me that continued the habit, never the less, her life time of smoking the stuff got me into it too. She chainsmokes marijuana until it is gone. 120 dollars worth (12g) will last her 3 or 4 days. I can go for about 3 weeks on the same amount. I have a feeling the majority of her money goes into this, but I also know that she has absolutely no impulse control, and no budgeting ability. My sister pretty much gets whatever she wants (She has had 7 cell phones in the last 2 years, more clothes than we can fit into drawers and dressers and tons of other shit), regardless of the cost to the household finances. I often end up paying the price in the end due to monetary shortfall somewhere along the line.
I literally feel trapped. I have never been more unhappy in my life than I am right now and I don't know what to do!
I can't abandon my mother. If I leave, I have no fucking idea what will happen to her. My sister has nowhere else to go, unless you count her boyfriend, who is 21 and has a daughter of his own from a previously failed relationship. My family is extremely dysfunctional.
I don't even feel in control of my life anymore. I am on anti-depressants. I think to myself often that the only time of day I truly enjoy is when I'm sleeping, and if that's the case, why am I even alive?
I know it's an absolutely RETARDED mindset. I hate that I think that way, but it's a thought that just pops into my head with alarming frequency. I understand that I am terribly depressed. I have tried so many different kinds of anti-depressants, and none of them seem to do anything. I have talked to SEVERAL doctors SEVERAL times about some Cognitive Therapy or ANY TYPE OF FUCKING THERAPY and their solution is just to load me up with a different set of pills and tell me to exercise more. I can't see a therapist unless I get a referral, which I can't seem to fucking get.
I try to exercise when I can, but I'm honestly working so much that it's extremely hard to fit into my schedule. I'm barely keeping my head above water. I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I'm almost ready to go to the bank and just ask them to take possession of my house because its causing me way too much stress.
I can't sell my home as it is not in selling condition. I need a new furnace and hot water tank. I need new carpeting or flooring, the yard needs to be landscaped, and redesigned. I do not have the money, financial capability or time to do any of these things.
Has anyone been here before? What can I do? I live in Canada if that helps. Alberta specifically.
I really feel awful blaming my mother for the situation, but the fact is that she is a massive contributor to the problems I am facing, and I am facing them alone. Or it certainly feels like it. I feel really bad that I can't fix it. It's taken me a long, long time to write this post up, but I need to, or I will fucking lose it. I need to get these shitty emotions out. I feel so pathetic. Usually when I'm feeling blue, simply writing all this out helps a little. So even if you have no advice to offer, thanks for reading.
I have a bit of a predicament.
I live "at home" still. The house is mine (I have the mortgage anyway), and my mother and sister (and a room and boarder) live with me.
I work full time as does my mother.
We have an agreement worked out in which I will pay the mortgage, and she will pay the utilities and purchase food for everyone.
The way this works out, I end up paying more per month towards bills than she does.
However, she is not holding up her end of the bargain.
The way the income works out is that she makes almost twice as much as I do (almost 4k monthly, versus my 1.6-2.5k [I work commission]). She has her paycheque, child support for my sister from the father, and rent from the boarder.
I receive absolutely none of this money, and pay my portion of the bills from my employment earnings.
Lately, she has not been paying the bills correctly. I say correctly because if the cable bill is 120 dollars, she will pay 90, and assume that everything is fine. Since the utilities are in my name, after a few months, we get cut off and suddenly I have to pay 400 dollars that I was not prepared to pay. She will not tell me that she has underpaid at any point during the time period.
I suppose it's really my fault for not keeping a closer eye on things, but I will ask her if everything is up to date and she will acknowledge that this is the case.
It's also been about 6 weeks since she has gone grocery shopping. She has bought no food. My sister, who is 16, pretty much never comes home anymore because there is nothing to eat, and nothing to do here. The room and boarder is typically never home for the same reason. If he had any other feasible living situation to transition to, I would have no doubt that he would leave.
I am at my wits end. I love my mom. She raised me. She's helped me so much throughout my life, but this has been going on for almost 3 years and I can't take it anymore. I'm angry all the time. I'm sad. I withdraw to my room and stay there whenever I don't work, or sleep. I don't have friends or a girlfriend because I can't afford to have friends and girlfriend. I can't go out. I owe too much money to too many places. I am trying to save my money, I'm a great saver and a thrifty person, but these surprise bills take me back to zero every time.
It's a weird thing because both my parents are absolutely fucking awful with money. My father spent my entire young life telling me that I would have a full college tuition ready to go when I was of age. When the time came, he spent it. Literally right before I went to college. He told me
"Ooops, yeah, I can't give you that money because I have to have it for some other things, sorry. Guess you'll have to tell that university that has accepted you that you can't go."
I never held a job during high school because I worked REALLY FUCKING HARD at getting good grades. I suck horribly at math, but you better believe I made the extra fucking effort to get a decent grade. I didn't have the funds saved, and had no preparation period for continuing education after that. The real world caught up with me immediately.
Thanks Dad.
He actually gave me a thousand dollars 9 months later and assumed that he was providing this huge humanitarian effort. I haven't spoken to him much since then. Whenever I have talked to him, he always insults my line of work and asks why I can't seem to find a better job than one I have.
Anyway, this house is all I have. It's worth less than I owe on it. I can't borrow any more money because I don't have the collateral. My credit is good, but I have nothing more to offer.
What do I do? Whenever I try and talk to her about how the finances are handled I get a guilt trip (in the form of "I raised you, I help you a lot etc"), she gets defensive, angry and sad, and I just spiral into a bigger depression than before. I smoke marijuana daily. I am a budget smoker in that when I buy a portion, I budget it so that it lasts X amount of time at which point I should have the funds to acquire more.
My mother really got me into it. Before I turned 23, I had never smoked marijuana in my life. To blame her is pretty retarded as it was me that continued the habit, never the less, her life time of smoking the stuff got me into it too. She chainsmokes marijuana until it is gone. 120 dollars worth (12g) will last her 3 or 4 days. I can go for about 3 weeks on the same amount. I have a feeling the majority of her money goes into this, but I also know that she has absolutely no impulse control, and no budgeting ability. My sister pretty much gets whatever she wants (She has had 7 cell phones in the last 2 years, more clothes than we can fit into drawers and dressers and tons of other shit), regardless of the cost to the household finances. I often end up paying the price in the end due to monetary shortfall somewhere along the line.
I literally feel trapped. I have never been more unhappy in my life than I am right now and I don't know what to do!
I can't abandon my mother. If I leave, I have no fucking idea what will happen to her. My sister has nowhere else to go, unless you count her boyfriend, who is 21 and has a daughter of his own from a previously failed relationship. My family is extremely dysfunctional.
I don't even feel in control of my life anymore. I am on anti-depressants. I think to myself often that the only time of day I truly enjoy is when I'm sleeping, and if that's the case, why am I even alive?
I know it's an absolutely RETARDED mindset. I hate that I think that way, but it's a thought that just pops into my head with alarming frequency. I understand that I am terribly depressed. I have tried so many different kinds of anti-depressants, and none of them seem to do anything. I have talked to SEVERAL doctors SEVERAL times about some Cognitive Therapy or ANY TYPE OF FUCKING THERAPY and their solution is just to load me up with a different set of pills and tell me to exercise more. I can't see a therapist unless I get a referral, which I can't seem to fucking get.
I try to exercise when I can, but I'm honestly working so much that it's extremely hard to fit into my schedule. I'm barely keeping my head above water. I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I'm almost ready to go to the bank and just ask them to take possession of my house because its causing me way too much stress.
I can't sell my home as it is not in selling condition. I need a new furnace and hot water tank. I need new carpeting or flooring, the yard needs to be landscaped, and redesigned. I do not have the money, financial capability or time to do any of these things.
Has anyone been here before? What can I do? I live in Canada if that helps. Alberta specifically.
I really feel awful blaming my mother for the situation, but the fact is that she is a massive contributor to the problems I am facing, and I am facing them alone. Or it certainly feels like it. I feel really bad that I can't fix it. It's taken me a long, long time to write this post up, but I need to, or I will fucking lose it. I need to get these shitty emotions out. I feel so pathetic. Usually when I'm feeling blue, simply writing all this out helps a little. So even if you have no advice to offer, thanks for reading.
Frust on
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Charge her rent.
Put it all in writing.
Put food outside the budget.
Charge her honest to god rent and split her utilities.
Don't change it so that she pays more change it so it is clear to her constantly how much she needs to pay.
If bills were 200 for the month and food was 600 (I am picking numbers here) assuming that there are three people living there charge her 200 dollars a month rent and 70 dollars for utilities.
Satans..... hints.....
you are not her husband, for her to lean on, you are her landlord.
i suggest having a heart to heart talk with your mother - i know you said you talked to her but was it really heart to heart? if she's guilt tripping you, i doubt it. she might be going through her own set of problems and dishing it out with buying things uselessly. and you need to tell her what you just told us, how you are depressed with all these problems and not only is she not helping you out but in fact, she's adding more stress. you need to let her know that. perhaps she'll admit she has a problem (at least that she's not managing money right) and maybe let you in on her finance. and don't let her guilt trip you. she just wants to drop the damn subject. press her more and get her to talk.
if this has been going on for so long and your mom won't change, you DO need to move out. you don't want to abandon her, but does that mean you are willing to do this for the rest of your life?? you could try giving her an ultimatum, that might give her more incentive to change. but really, people don't change that easily and it's very likely she won't change. what you going to do then? you can't live like that. let her be on her own. she's an adult.
lastly, best of luck. try to hang out with more people, that gets me on better mood. there are lots of things you can do without spending money (but squeezing in time to hang out may be an issue).
My recommendation is to man up, and speak to your mother about it as calmly and rationally as possible. Do not, under any circumstances, "rise to the occasion", regardless of your strong feelings and the inevitable defensive, emotional backlash that will come. Explain to her your exact financial situation: how much you make, how much the mortgage is, and how much you are actually getting. Don't get bogged down into unnecessary detours about who pays what under what circumstances and when it gets paid. "I make $X, the mortgage is $Y, and right now I get $A from you and $B from the renter. This is unsustainable for me. We need to change the arrangement so that you provide me a regular amount of rent on a monthly basis. Otherwise, I will be forced to get someone who can provide me with higher rent on a regular basis." And then get it in writing. That's it. If she tries to argue about paying X or helping with Y, tell her that you are not going to rehash history, that you've taken those things into account, and that you feel that moving forward it would be best to have a strictly financial arrangement.
This stuff is precisely why many people refuse to mix money with family or friends. Unfortunately, these things get messy, and it is hard to separate out what constitutes business and what doesn't under such circumstances. A typical reaction to this could well be that your mother agrees to your stipulations or doesn't, and either way she will no longer treat you as "a son" and will lash out by cutting you off entirely. Which, if you ask me, may very well be a good thing in the long run.
Also, I would speak with your sister and explain the situation to her as well. Perhaps even beforehand, if you trust her not to blab to your mother about it. She's old enough to have a mature conversation about the real world, which includes money and how it affects the rest of your life. Who knows, perhaps she can provide valuable perspective or help in communicating with your mother. At the very least, you should let her know that regardless of what happens you will be there to support her even if it means giving her a place to stay without your mother (if that's feasible for you). Hell, you've been doing that already, so it doesn't hurt to take the high ground on that point.
At the end of the day, you really should see this through. It's going to hurt your relationship and your future finances in the long run if you don't do anything about it and let things continue as they have.
I would maybe make a break down on paper of what the actual numbers are for your house's living situation. Numbers never lie. Put it in writing so that even after emotions have calmed and the dust has settled, your mother can see how it really is.
In my honest opinion, your mom's being greedy, and when she feels her "extra finances", fun money, whatever you want to call it- is at risk of being taken away and put towards bills she guilt trips you. It reads as though shes addicted to getting high, and instead of paying bills in full, shes paying the minimum, going and getting high, knowing that you'll come along down the road and play catch-up with the service providers.
She either needs to pay her fair share, or find another place to live. Yes, she is your mother, but she shouldn't be holding that above your head while she is irresponsible with her finances, and ultimately yours too.
Best of luck.
First, why does your mother make money from the boarder? You own the property with the mortgage, so you should be making any rent money.
This is incredibly jacked up. Based on that schedule, she's spending 900 dollars per month on that. 'War on drugs' issues aside, neither of you purchasing it is a smart financial move. For one, that means your household is spending roughly 1060 dollars a month on drugs, that you know, of out of a total of around 5600-6500. That's about 15% of your income on something completely not required for survival. You also run the risk of police action which will cost you significantly more and may cause a crisis. As far as I can tell from looking it up online, it's still illegal to have in Canada.
I'm a heartless bastard, but I'd consider evicting your mother. It's your property, you should get the rent money from the boarder, and if your mother isn't paying her share of the bills right now, not much will change with her gone for the negative - whereas, in the positive, you should begin receiving your renters income, as well as have an additional spot to rent to another person. Maybe you should try to have an intervention with your mother - tell her to shape up, take care of things, or you WILL EVICT HER.
I don't get it - you guys are making a LOT of money per month. You could easily be upper middle class without a care in the world if you just used some good financial sense. The money both of you are spending on marajuana is enough to buy a used Lamborghini and insure it (at least here in the states).
Alternately, one thing you can do is get her to create an automatic bank draft to your account for the specified amount. This way, you get your money each month and she doesn't have to do anything to give it to you. Then the burden of financial responsibility is on her shoulders. Break down all the expenses that happen, draw up a plan on what will be paid by who, and then also get a written agreement (or the bank draft) to seal the deal.
Money is the #1 cause of relationship problems, depression, and stress. I'm almost certain that once things shape up for you, life will seem a whole lot better.
First off, do this. The boarder owes you money, not your mom. Use that cash to cover the fees and losses from your mom.
Second, make a contract for how much each person owes, in writing, notarized. Everyone pays that amount and everyone is happy. If your mom breaks her payments, she's in the wrong. Any other landlord would have evicted her by now, especially with the amount of cash she brings in.
Third, you guys are making a ton of cash. Where is it going? Is it all being soaked up by pot? Because that is crazy and dumb, especially if you are in a serious money situation. Dropping drugs may also help your depression, though the only evidence I can give you concerning this is anecdotal.
Lastly, you are responsible for your own well being, not your sister or mother's well being. Cruel though it may sound, your Mother is taking advantage of your generosity and is obviously spending her money on things beyond childcare (hence no food and misplacing utility payments). The amount of drugs in the picture also is not conducive to bringing up your sister in a "safe" environment. While marijuana is safe to smoke and all, a singe cop with a tip from your dealer could bust your house and leave your sister in state care and you and your mom in jail. How is any of this taking proper care of your sister?
I really think this is as simple as restructuring the finances to give you more control over your property. Your mother shouldn't be paying any bills, and as a financial counselor I see this far too often where one party will "take care of" the utilities while the other pays the rent/mortgage. This all needs to go through a single person, and that person is you.
As far as having this conversation with her, your sister should be included. Like the above poster said. Don't let yourself get heated when your mom starts guilt tripping you, you will basically hand her a win that way.(although if you feel like crying it wouldn't hurt)
Money can cause huge problems. My wife and I have separate bank accounts now and were much happier for it.
My sister is a smart girl. Very smart. Very independent. She knows how to manipulate, especially my mom. Me too though. She is well aware of the situation at hand and knows full well how much this pisses me off.
I actually kind of think that she doesn't come home much because the atmosphere in the home is thick with frustration, anger and perceived futility. Mostly mine. Also, she doesn't have a bedroom. The boarder has taken over that. Jesus, when I read what I've written in these posts it sounds more fucked up than I had realized.
You're absolutely right about the boarder. I should be getting that money. I have talked to her about this before, but she refuses to give me anything. She claims that all her money is going toward bills and shit, and you know, she might be right. I have no fucking clue what kind of figures she owes to credit cards or phone companies or anything. She won't tell me. Believe me I've tried to get this information.
The boarder goes to high school. He had dropped out, and the condition that I had imposed stated that he must attend, and finish highschool with a greater than 60% grade. He's a smart kid. He gets 85% and better in his programs. However, because my mom is over 50, and a mother of two, the government has decided to give HER the cheque, in HER name, even though she doesn't own the home. All of this was arranged behind my back.
I really, truly do not want to evict her. I am probably not being completely honest about how my mom behaves. She can be an extremely compassionate, caring and giving person. She helps the less fortunate, she acts as a counselor to co-workers when they get upset or fight amongst themselves, which they do endlessly. She is under a lot of stress too, and has been for a long time. We were not wealthy growing up. My father fucked off when I was 3. She raised me alone, held several jobs, took several buses, and all this shit.
I can't just kick her out! She's sacrificed so much for me over her life and I simply cannot and will not ignore that. I know I'm getting a shitty deal, but I will not evict my mom.
The household income is pretty decent I suppose. 60ish thousand a year isn't extremely high, but pretty medium I would imagine given the climate now. However, things in Canada are just more expensive than the States, period. Everything. Fuel (even though much of it comes from here), Food (same thing to a degree), clothing, entertainment. It's all more expensive with a less powerful currency. So really, it's more like 45-50k a year in American standards I would say. Moot point.
I have decided to stop smoking weed entirely. It will probably be difficult, especially given my stress level, and I realize that this is a massive expense. I have confronted my mother about this more times than I can count. Literally.
She refuses to stop or slow down at all. I tell her that we spend entirely too much of the stuff, and our food budget is what suffers for it. She claims that she can't stand having a house without food, but this can't be the case since we haven't really had much in 6 weeks. If the weed is gone though, better find something to PAWN!
I think the only thing I can really do is move out. Lose the house. I don't even really care about it. If I could walk away and maintain some semblance of a credit rating, I would have already.
The only option I guess is to keep trying to work something out, and if I can't, I'll leave.
Thanks again everyone for posting. I appreciate it.
This is a gov. program?
Call/send a letter stating that you never gave permission nor do you consent for your home to be used as a source of income for your mother.
Right now, his mother is not paying the utilities that she has agreed to pay. She is not buying the groceries.
If the OP decides to charge her rent instead, she'll just neglect to pay that instead.
The big issue here is that you're letting this happen. Your mother is neglecting to pay her share because she knows that you'll just pay it when the time comes, so why bother? You've laid the groundwork for her to be able to leech off of you, and you're letting it continue.
You need to look at this as if you're taking care of a child. Would you give a child candy every time she cries? Would you teach a child that if she doesn't clean her room like she agreed to do, you'll just go in there and clean it for her? Your mother acts like a child, and you're letting it happen.
You need to sit her down and tell her that she either pays her share or she needs to leave. I know you're thinking that you could never do that to your mother, but you're going to go bankrupt if you don't. Then where will you be? What good will your freeloading mother be at that point, when you lose your house? You'll both be out of a place to stay anyway.
Steps you need to take:
1) Sit down and figure out the total for mortgage, bills, and food every month. Figure out what everyone should be contributing each month based on these figures, and you are going to collect the money and pay the bills/buy the groceries yourself.
2) Call up your local housing tribunal and find out your rights as a landlord. Have them send you some proper leases and any other information you might need.
3) Sit down with the boarder and instruct him that all money is paid directly to you, not your mother. If he refuses, instruct him that you are the owner on the title of the property and you will have him removed if he does not pay you directly. Have him sign a proper lease.
4) Sit down with your mother and instruct her that she needs to pay you X amount every two weeks. It may be more managable for her to make smaller, more frequent payments. Have this in writing, and have her sign it. Have her sign a proper lease.
If I were you, I'd even take a sizable security deposit from her. From what you say is her income, she should be able to easily afford it. She owes you anyway, since for some stupid fucking idiodic, retarded god damn reason, you've been allowing her to collect rent from the boarder. Pot is cheap, and she isn't exactly paying any fucking bills or buying groceries, so unless she has picked up a more expensive addiction (harder drugs/gambling/etc.), she should be good for it.
Really, you need to stop treating your mother like a child. I understand your situation, because it is similar to mine a few years ago, which is why I'm getting so heated about this. You need to talk to your mother and lay down some ground rules. If you aren't firm, she is going to walk all over you. Oh wait, she's been doing that already, and you're far beyond house poor.
2) Immediately contact whatever government agency is running the boarding program and explain to them the situation with the assistance check. Assuming you can provide details on the mortgage, and assuming you are over 18, there is no reason why your mother should be getting that check. Assuming you and the boarder are on at least decent terms, he should be well pleased to know that you are trying to provide him with food and shelter and so would assist you in any dispute regarding the government check.
3) The fun thing is, you don't even have to 'evict' your mother if it comes to that. Since she is not a legal tenant, just someone living in your house, all you have to do is call the cops and have her removed from your property, and then change the locks. Just some food for thought. Of course, the law regarding that may be different in Canada, so take it with a grain of salt.
4) I don't see where your math is adding up. You say you're only making 50k-ish a year, yet you state that you're making 1.6-2.5K, and your mother is making 4K a month. That's 67200 a year after taxes I presume, which means you're making quite a bit more gross VS net (using a standard tax rate in the US, you would be making around 95 grand a year in total at a 30% income tax rate).
5) Figgy has this correct. You need to start looking out for yourself - your health, mental and otherwise, is probably deteriorating from the stress and your mother is not helping you. You need to deal with your mother like an adult, not as the son to a loving mother that raised you.
I found out the hard way this is so wrong. Especially when it comes to "evicting" women. All it takes to make a claim of residency somewhere is to get mail there, and "contribute" to the household. This includes buying food, however inconsistently or paying bills. No lease, rent or other agreements need be made.
Wow, that's jacked up. Consider me educated and corrected.
Laws vary state to state, and the OP is in an entirely different country.
Still, I don't think he is looking to remove her from the house (though he should).
I really advise against letting the home go into foreclosure. Real Estate is always a good investment and down the road it can be a great thing to have to your name.
I would get that boarder's money into your pocket and not your mothers. Its your name on the mortgage, thus it is your ass on the line. You let your credit get fucked up by all of this and you might regret it the rest of your life. It might be hard now, but that will only make it easier in the end.
Hope this helps.
This.
It's pretty shitty that you, as the person with the lowest and somewhat fluctuating income, are the one tasked with creating a sense of financial stablilty. It's not right, or even fair, but there it is.
Assume that you can't change another person- a fuckton moreso one's own mother. So because you have both the ability and the need to be financially stable, ithe task will fall on you. Step one is simply accepting this as the way it is, and letting whatever percieved injustice you find there go. You're nearly there already, so hopefully it wont be a big deal.
Secondly, you have to centralize the bills. Not the income, but the bills. They all need to go through a single point so there is responsibility and accountability in the process. No hidden cards, no flexibility in payments, no whimsical shuffling of daily expenses; hard numbers, set responsibilties.
For the most part, nearly all bills can be turned into equalized monthly payments. This will give you a very good idea as to what amount needs to exhange hands. Often times there is a shameful sort of stigma about writing out checks or handing over large sums of cash to family members- especially if it is from parent to child. To avoid this embarrassment, you've made an arrangement, but it's not working out- understandings are flexible and prone to bending- where instead there needs to be hard numbers and no flexibility (aka stability).
One way to avoid this is to create a joint account at the same bank as your mother. This way she can put the monies into a shared account, and you can pay bills from that account. Be clear that this money does not go to you, it goes out for bills only. That way, at least psychologically, she's is not giving you money as much as she is doing her part, with you, in caring for the household. You are doing your part in caring for the household by tabulating and assigning expenses. This also creates a paper trail that you can go back to for budgeting, proof of payment, timelining, etc, everything you need to create a stable financial atmosphere.
With electronic banking, it is a very easy thing to create an automatic transfer the day of an automatic payment, whether its once a month or every two weeks. If you know your budget, you (or your mom) can simply have this amount moved immediately. This leaves whatever is left in her/your primary account free and clear for spending.
The conversation is going to be hard- you want to assign blame (and may be justified in doing so) but try to let that part go. What you want to come forward with is the idea, not that she is bad but that by working together, you both can do better. Everyone benefits from this arrangement. Her life becomes easier and more predictable, with less stress. You take on slightly more work, but gain peace of mind.
More to the point, you are reaching an age where you need not want, but need a solid financial foundation and setting, to be able to grow and mature as an adult. She'll always be your mom, but the truth is you're not satisfied with being a financially dependant child. Nor should you be, as you are clearly willing to be another adult in the same household. Its not about finding fault or taking advantage, its about doing the tasks in the household that are suited to your strengths, and that you are strong enough in this area to improve the living conditions for everyone.
Talk it out, work together, be open (to the penny) about your resources and expenses. Be fair. Let her have control over what you don't need. Be willing to take on any extra work that assures you can get what you do need. It'll only be awkward for a bit, that feeling passes quickly when it becomes clear that shit is getting done. You can totally do this. Best wishes.
Add the monthly mortgage, house insurance, and land tax
Take whatever number you end up with a divide it by 4.
That is how much money each of the other 3 people has to pay you every month.
Tell your mom that the child support money and the boarders money is not hers to spend. If she wants to continue to control those funds she has to pay those 2 peoples shares of the rent or you will start making phone calls the end result of which will be that she will no longer receive that money. And she has to pay her rent also.
Tell each person your life is currently a living hell, the status quo is fucked up, no landlord would put up with non-paying tenants and you can't either.
Once you are getting that money you should find there is more than enough left over to buy food for everyone even if it mostly comes out of your pocket.
Also kudos on quitting.
Edit: with that money you pay all the bills and the morgage
Edit2: I wrote this up before I saw sarcastro's post which is spot on as usual.
And don't wait to have the boarder's cheque made out in your name. Call them now.
So his mom gets child support money to pay for that 16 year old and gets to blow it on drugs instead of paying for that 16 year olds share of the bills? I don't think so.
I bet that 16 year old sister could go to court and get the money diverted so it goes directly to her instead of her mother if she explained the situation (mom spends it all on marijuana and there is no food in the house).
Edit: I doubt the child support is less than 1/4 of the rent/bills money.
What I would suggest is look up your renter's laws or contact a rentalsman in relation to the boarder as that money should be going to you, not her since the property is in your name.
Consider me another one of the hard-asses here but if I were in the same position I'd tell my mom to start looking for another place to live. There've been other folks on this forum who I'm fairly certain have been in similar financial situations with their parents and have been practically brought to the brink due to their family's negligence in regards to finances or have just downright become fraudulent in some instances.
Also, the idea of a joint account, bad idea. Considering how much money's she's spending on drugs and is failing to disclose what other bills and expenses she has why would you want to give her access to what little money you have as well?
Joint accounts do not work that way. It is its own account, and does not grant access to funds from the primary account on either side in any way. In theory, one could spend what they put in after they put it in there, but that person would be an easily tracked fucker.
The theme I'm going for here is that you have an older authoritative figure who is used to being financially independant, with her own financially territory and spending habits, and a younger up and comer who, despite being able to handle things with more diligence, is still intruding on that territory.
The thing is, those lines are just imaginary; the product of habits and feelings built on over the years. Parents don't generally disclose their finances to their children, and are almost certainly going to resist the idea of doing so. The whole 'I know better because I am the Parent' model is working against the OP, and that shit is ingrained, on both sides. The OP is essentially taking on part of a co-parent role, and gaining acceptance to that responsibilty is counter to the family traditions already established by the dominant parent.
Creating change, breaking traditional boundaries- that stuff is all very much uphill. Generally the child leaves home for a while, becomes an adult, and then readdresses the relationship they have with their parents. It's easier that way. This process hasn't been allowed to happen, so there is a constant struggle with redefining the relationship in the face of old habits. Conflict, tension, depression, dissatisfaction- all symptoms of what happens when the reality of a situation is different than its perception.
The people involved have changed, but how they relate to each other is still following the same themes as it did ages ago. The actions being taken are then misaligned with how the situation actually is, and the difference is paid out in emotional stress. Getting the real truth of how things are out there is more than difficult (having a heart-to-heart someone said, which is a great option if its an option, but unfortunately may not be)- how a person deals with that, how they grow and change to adapt to the needs of that challenge is often a defining moment in reaching full-on adulthood.
Then you have absolutely no clue what the cost of living is. You think the mother is getting child support equal to or greater than (Mortgage + Groceries + Property Tax + Home Insurance + Electricity + Water + Gas + Phone + Internet + Cable) divided by 4? That's hilarious. His sister's father must be making six figures to have to cough up that kind of support.
I like the idea of setting up a "rent" payment as an automatic transfer between bank accounts, from your mom's to yours. If the transfer "bounces," she'll be liable for fees from the bank, and that incentive might help her make sure the money's there every month - and you wouldn't have anything to do with it. If you can restructure the utilities/food arrangement into a single rent payment, maybe you could split the actual food-buying duties with your boarder (give him $40 and send him to the store), so you're not the one making grocery runs every few days.
Let's say, worst case scenario, nothing works. Can you sign over the house to your mom for $1? I realize it'll be a large financial loss for you, but it'd be better than simply walking away - which (I think) could have a very bad impact on your credit rating. Perhaps you could find a renter for your room to help your mom meet the mortgage, before you move out.