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Lets just be friends
romanqwerty
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Recently my gf decided to make our relationship "just friends". Now i know this is a card played way to frequently and im looking on for H/A on what to do in this situation.
Firstly she told me this through IM which she has apologised for. Its been a few days since the this happened and she still hasnt stopped saying sorry to me. Recently i saw her face to face and we talked about it. From what she said she really does want to stay friends with me. She had come out of a bad ending relationship and a few rebounds before and broke it off because she was becoming to close to me and was really scared (almost certain at a point) that one of us would end up really hurt.
Now this was ok until it evolved into a second card. "Im breaking up with you for your own good". Now as if the first reason didnt confused me enough this one makes absolutely no sense.
Before our last encounter i was ready to erase her from my life, but now im really reluctant. In this time we really connected way more then we ever had before and i discovered i still had feelings for her.
So, how easy is it to stay "just friends" when you have downgraded to this? Or is it likely that if i stay friends and give her time and space to get over her issues that we might get back together?
Firstly she told me this through IM which she has apologised for. Its been a few days since the this happened and she still hasnt stopped saying sorry to me. Recently i saw her face to face and we talked about it. From what she said she really does want to stay friends with me. She had come out of a bad ending relationship and a few rebounds before and broke it off because she was becoming to close to me and was really scared (almost certain at a point) that one of us would end up really hurt.
Now this was ok until it evolved into a second card. "Im breaking up with you for your own good". Now as if the first reason didnt confused me enough this one makes absolutely no sense.
Before our last encounter i was ready to erase her from my life, but now im really reluctant. In this time we really connected way more then we ever had before and i discovered i still had feelings for her.
So, how easy is it to stay "just friends" when you have downgraded to this? Or is it likely that if i stay friends and give her time and space to get over her issues that we might get back together?
romanqwerty on
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It will be hard on you if you choose to remain friends when you really want more.
As far as the break up goes, it sounds like she just doesn't want you to feel bad. And the whole "for your own good" thing is just her way of absolving herself of guilt. If it's for your own good, she doesn't have to feel like shit for making you hurt, because, after all, it's for your own good. The appropriate response to this should be something like "let me decide what is good for me", but honestly I wouldn't argue this, because she most likely didn't really break up with you for your own good. She may not realize what they are, but she had her reasons, the relationship is over (at least for now) and no amount of discussion will change that.
I would just steer clear of her for a while, because it seems like a relationship isn't going to work at this point. And seeing each other as friends is just going to make things harder for both of you. In a few months after you have both emotionally moved on, if you still want to be friends, that would be the time to pursue a friendship.
Now you have to ask yourself how close of friends did you become during the relationship because when you go to friend status it means they want to keep you in the social circle, but not specifically alone with you because of the past feelings. You also ask yourself how you are going to feel when she starts dating again. Cause the odds are in her favor for finding someone. Hopefully she will take sometime off before dating someone else. If she doesn’t that means she had been thinking about this for sometime but no one in particular had caught her eye. If she is not dating anyone and you have determined that she really maybe just wanted a backdoor out of a serious relationship, then all you can do is make her fall in love with you again. This takes time. Don’t ask her to places alone go with groups of friends and be her ear and shoulder to cry on. You are not guaranteed to ever get her back but that’s the tricky part to relationships. Before she can be happy with you she has got to understand who she is and what she wants.
My advice to you is the same advice I give in most situations: you need to go get laid. If you can, or even attempt to do so, then feel confident that you are now able to "just be friends". Because Real friends would be happy your back in the saddle. And you are obviously over her, or preferably, more literally over someone else now.
Good luck!
http://www.darknessdescending.com
True friendship afterwards is rare, but possible. Most who become friends, though, go through a period of complete avoidance, where they come to grips with everything they liked and didn't like about the person, and have moved on romantically. At which point they could potentially enjoy the company of the person again, if the annoying things were "relationship oriented" and the fun things were "friends oriented."
To clarify, "relationship oriented" is things like dinner, sex, sleeping, and other things that serious couples experience together. "friends oriented" is hanging out with other friends, playing games, seeing a movie, going to a music show, and other things where you could do it with people you generally like and can talk during or after said event, without any romantic-ness going on.
Most people come up with a lot of sweet sounding bullshit to break up with someone. In most cases, it's simply to avoid being mean, which has its advantages. Of course, it also doesn't help the dumpee resolve any problems or learn more about themselves. Would a dumpee rather hear "You're too clingy, and you need to develop more confidence" or "I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and I don't want to drag you along with me"? Now, which would probably help the dumpee develop more to create a stronger future relationship?
In other words, she says she wants to be friends because she doesn't want to be mad at you, and she then says that she's breaking up with you for your own good as an way to give you an excuse to not be attached. At this point, ideally you're supposed to say "She's right, it is for my own good, and I bear her no ill will." That, unfortunately, pretty much never happens. It's likely you will not get back together if you stick around with her, and you should probably look for other avenues (both from a friends and relationship POV).
Ugh, no kidding. Not only is the truth more helpful to the person, but if the person makes it clear to their boyfriend/girlfriend that they don't like them anymore, it's a nearly sure way to crush the hope of the dumpee. It's more harsh, but having personally experience much time wasted with a nagging hope in the back of my mind that a relationship could form again, the truth is so much better.
And this speaks to your last question. Regardless of what is actually possible, you should do your best to not let yourself think there is any hope for a future relationship, which is why avoiding them for a while before even trying to be friends is a good idea.
"Ok, I understand. But I don't think we should try to be friends because that will never work out, it will be forced, and it will be awkward. We should probably just say goodbye to each other and go our separate ways."
She probably would have been in shock, and then a few days later would probably come running back to you.
This exact thing actually happened to me.
Funny that you said that. My first response when she asked if we can just be friends was "I don't know if i can do that". This immediatly put her on the defensive and responded with "Why are you calling the shots"?
Thats sorta the way conversations work with her, if im not saying what she wants she just withdraws fully and i get nowhere.
Right now i just feel like letting it all slide. Ill stay superficially friends but probably rarely talk or see her.
Just don't initiate contact or anything besides a "how are you?" from time to time, no matter how much you want to. It will suck for a long damn time, but it has to be done.
Let 'em eat fucking pineapples!
In my experience, that really is pretty much what it means. Either that or, "I don't want to go out with you anymore, and don't want to feel guilty."
Being friends after dating, for really any amount of time, RARELY works. The more time you guys spend apart, then the chances for friendship go up. You really need to spend time alone, or rather, away from her for at least a little while.
That's just what I think.
That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard today. She's refusing for you two not to be friends. Then she says that she wants to be in charge of this friendship?
Bite at her, tell her what the point is particapating in some kind of lame superficial relationship when you aren't ready which will only result in making you unhappy.
This will do one of two things, A) Make her realise that you are still hurting and need your space or
Most women I know seem to be able to change people from boyfriend category to friend category in an instant (they can also do this with best friend to hated enemy). Men can't do this, we'll let people piss us off for years before we decide that we aren't going to be friends anymore. I've seen one of my friends downgrade her best friend to hated enemy in a period of less than five hours. You being a man just need to wait it out.
Satans..... hints.....
Yes let's make broad generalizations of genders, because annecdotal evidence is just so true. :roll:
Because of this i feel like sticking to my old plan being: say we're friends but try to talk and see her a little as possible for atleast a week or so.
Ok, that happened once to me too and it also became my first true lesson in dating: Never give anyone a second chance, you broke up and there was a reason for it, now move on.
And on the flipside, I was once dumped on im with the "I want to be friends line and maybe we can date again in the future" and after telling this girl I didn't want to be friends, nor would I give her a second chance I find out the real reason I got this im:
She was away partying with some friends and saw some cute guy or whatever and decided since we weren't really serious she'd just break up with me so she could go screw him and not feel guilty about cheating. I'm not quite sure how that works, but of well...
That was a serious burn. Deflated me quite a bit.
The old cold shoulder should do the trick. It really is pretty useless to be friends with anyone after you broke up. Even when you get to the I enjoy hanging out as friends part, other things pop up. I had one girl that I tried to be friends with and I had a good time with her, but everytime I dated someone new she flamed them unmercifully and acted jealous. I would get calls in the middle of the night from her while I was dating a new girl and she would rehash the "good times" of when we used to date. I asked her why she could be jealous when she wanted to be friends and not date me and she couldn't answer, so I just had to cut ties with her. On the opposite end, I've been jealous and watched my ex dating new guys, but I wasn't the one who brought out the friends card.
Feel free to give it a go, but in my experience "just friends" rarely ends well. You'd be doing each other a favor if you avoided each other for a while. You really need to give yourselves time to get over each other.
And dude, I don't care what she says to you, saying she wants to stay friends is just her way of softening the blow. In her mind it may be slightly selfless but I highly doubt she is being honest with you. I'm not saying she never wants to see you again or anything, but the way I see it, she is probably just trying to hurt your feelings as little as possible.
Go do your own thing. Try to forget about her. Honestly the only reason this thread is still active is because you are having trouble letting go. Do everything you can to help yourself let go. Seeing her socially will not help.