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Somewhat of a strange situation with my girl.

ZephosZephos Climbin in yo ski lifts, snatchin your people up.MichiganRegistered User regular
edited February 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
Okay so hears the deal.

girlfriend of almost 2 wonderful years decides on a random night out with a couple friends that she wants to go to Vegas, she offhandedly tells me via text and i kinda chalk it off to drunken shenanigans.

Well bout a week later she just texts me again from her work saying "its official, I'm going to Vegas!"

she had her friends book the trip with her and all wham bam just like that.



I'm a little... perturbed over the whole thing. I wouldn't have been able to go (money is hard to come by being unemployed) nor would I have really even wanted to go. However the fact that she just kinda planned it all and BANG is prepared to drop potentially over 800 on the trip has me a bit miffed.

Its not that i would have told her that she couldn't go, thats not the type of guy i am, but it just... i guess hurts that she was all gung ho without even hardly consulting me other than a "we're kinda tipsy and planning a trip to vegas."

so yeah, maybe there is a way i can vent my frustrations to her without just sounding all pissy about how i'm not going.

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Posts

  • OhioOhio Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    I think you'd have to tell us how old you both are, and what are the living arrangements?

    Ohio on
  • ZephosZephos Climbin in yo ski lifts, snatchin your people up. MichiganRegistered User regular
    edited January 2010
    25 each, and living in separate homes.

    Zephos on
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  • GrisloGrislo Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    I'm not sure why you have a problem with it exactly, assuming you're not in a shared finances situation?

    Is it mainly that she's doing something without you, or?

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  • Aoi TsukiAoi Tsuki Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Unless she's given you reason not to trust her or one of the friends involved - i.e. she's suddenly behaving wildly out of character since meeting this girl at work - it's good for a young adult to hare off and do wacky shit like this once in a while. I understand why you'd be put off by the idea, but on the info you've given alone, I wouldn't worry about it.

    Aoi Tsuki on
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Why shouldn't she have fun? You are only young once. She did tell you beforehand, so you had a chance to say "I wanna come too!"

    CelestialBadger on
  • MoSiAcMoSiAc Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Yeah I'm not really seeing an issue either like others have said, she told you, and it's her money. It does sound a bit expensive but sometimes you gotta seize the day.

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  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    You're being a silly goose. You guys don't even live together or share expenses. One of the most enjoyable things in life is being able to spontaneously travel with friends. Stop being bothered by it.

    Darkewolfe on
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  • Zombie NirvanaZombie Nirvana Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    You are acting like a woman.

    Zombie Nirvana on
  • DmanDman Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Until your living together as a couple and have some sort of joint budget you can't really complain about how she spends her money.
    It sucks that you're unemployed and can't go with her but that's life.

    Dman on
  • SheepSheep Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited January 2010
    Seems like she's having a trip with "the girls".

    Sheep on
  • DeebaserDeebaser on my way to work in a suit and a tie Ahhhh...come on fucking guyRegistered User regular
    edited January 2010
    I'd congratulate her on making drunk talk about a trip into an actual trip. If you're happy with her, which the OP seems to indicate, there's no reason to vent about this aside from jealousy.

    Deebaser on
  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Having time away from your SO is a good thing, as is spending time with your friends, as is going on cool trips to places you've never been.

    RocketSauce on
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    She gave you forewarning and you didn't take it seriously. Lesson learned. Now you know for the future. But seriously, any complaint you have at this point is likely motivated purely by jealousy. Give her a hug, wish her well on her trip, give her 20 bucks to put on black, and get on with your life. Also, get a job so you can go back there with her next time.

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  • TechnicalityTechnicality Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    If the idea of her going off and doing something without you makes you feel uncomfortable, then you could probably use the time to exercise a bit of healthy independence and remind yourself how to be happy without her support.

    This is still true even if she did go about organising it in what you feel is a bit of an inconsiderate manner.

    Technicality on
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  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
    edited January 2010
    You're hurt because... you want to go window shopping with them? This sounds like a girls' trip out and whether you had the money to go or not chances are you wouldn't be invited. You don't live together or share a budget so she doesn't have to consult you because she doesn't need your permission. It's her money, she can drop $800 on whatever she pleases.

    You are being ridiculous. Stop being ridiculous and find something else to do with yourself while she's gone.

    I would not vent these frustrations to her at all. There is no good way to do it that doesn't make you sound really lame. If you do all you're really doing is trying to make her feel bad about a trip she's spent a lot of money on to spend time with her friends, which she is clearly looking forward to a great deal.

    Also, that last bit there kind of makes it sound like you totally would have given her permission if she'd asked and you're hurt that she didn't come to you for it. If that is any part at all of the conversation you want to have with her about this or the reason you're hurt, I really suggest you work this out quietly on your own without involving her.

    ceres on
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  • FiggyFiggy Fighter of the night man Champion of the sunRegistered User regular
    edited January 2010
    You've only been dating for two years.

    You don't live together.

    You don't share finances.

    She is going on a trip for a few days with some girlfriends.

    What the fuck is the problem? Are you suggesting that your girlfriend (of two years) should have to consult you before planning/booking a trip with her friends? Are you suggesting that you should have had the chance to go with her, and.. her girlfriends? Are you simply a controlling, jealous silly goose who doesn't trust his girlfriend to leave the zip code for a weekend?

    Really, you need to give your head a shake and respect and trust your significant other. This has nothing to do with you, and she is not required to ask your permission or discuss simple travel plans.

    Hell, she even mentioned in passing that she was thinking of going, and then *gasp* she booked the trip! Whether or not she was drunk the first time she mentioned wanting to go is of no relevance. You aren't her father, you aren't her husband, and you're coming off as a complete douche by stomping your feet and complaining that she is going to Vegas without your "consultation."

    Figgy on
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  • BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    maybe make the something you do while she is gone job hunting so that you can plan a trip somewhere with her next time.

    stop being so damn silly about this, why can't she go on a fun trip, she's young and has the money to (i assume?).

    making a fuss or even talking to her about this in any way other than 'sounds like fun babe, i'll miss you, bring me back something!' is a way to make yourself not have a girlfriend anymore.

    Belruel on
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  • FiggyFiggy Fighter of the night man Champion of the sunRegistered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Belruel wrote: »
    maybe make the something you do while she is gone job hunting so that you can plan a trip somewhere with her next time.

    stop being so damn silly about this, why can't she go on a fun trip, she's young and has the money to (i assume?).

    making a fuss or even talking to her about this in any way other than 'sounds like fun babe, i'll miss you, bring me back something!' is a way to make yourself not have a girlfriend anymore.

    Even the best case scenario about bringing this up to her is that he ruins the trip for her. Good job, boyfriend!

    Seriously, don't bring this up. No matter how you broche the topic, she is going to feel guilty about going and it's going to ruin a trip that she is obviously stoked for.

    Suck it up.

    Figgy on
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  • SliderSlider Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    I think the problem is that it's "Vegas."

    I went to Vegas when I was 21. I saw some titties, had a few drinks, gambled a little, but nothing crazy happened, like, Hangover.

    Your girlfriend will probably do the same, maybe go to a few clubs and dance a little. If you don't like that, then you could always break up with her.

    I, sort of, understand what you might be experiencing. I mean, I would automatically translate a trip to Vegas as some sort of desire to go "wild" without the constraints of being in a relationship or having you around. That would, obviously, hurt your feelings.

    I don't know, man. Women are weird.

    Slider on
  • FiggyFiggy Fighter of the night man Champion of the sunRegistered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Slider wrote: »
    I, sort of, understand what you might be experiencing. I mean, I would automatically translate a trip to Vegas as some sort of desire to go "wild" without the constraints of being in a relationship or having you around. That would, obviously, hurt your feelings.

    I don't know, man. Women are weird.

    And that insecurity is a result of a lack of trust.

    Get over it. They don't want to go to Vegas because it's "away from our boyfriends." They want to go to Vegas because it's Vegas.

    Figgy on
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  • BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Slider wrote: »
    I think the problem is that it's "Vegas."

    I went to Vegas when I was 21. I saw some titties, had a few drinks, gambled a little, but nothing crazy happened, like, Hangover.

    Your girlfriend will probably do the same, maybe go to a few clubs and dance a little. If you don't like that, then you could always break up with her.

    I, sort of, understand what you might be experiencing. I mean, I would automatically translate a trip to Vegas as some sort of desire to go "wild" without the constraints of being in a relationship or having you around. That would, obviously, hurt your feelings.

    I don't know, man. Women are weird.

    so are dudes. my boyfriend went to vegas with his dad and older half brother, i told him that they were going to try and make him go to see titties, he scoffed and said no way, i just gave him a look.

    he calls me in the middle of the day once to tell me that yes, his dad and brother had guilted him into going to a topless pool and he felt gross seeing all the old gross dudes eyeballing the few girls there so he left his dad/brother there and was was walking back to the hotel. i laughed my ass off and told him that now he had to have the image of that old guy with a boner for the rest of his life, along with the titties.

    but there aren't cock-out pools in vegas, plus it is winter, so i think you'll be okay.

    to most people, especially groups of girls, going to vegas means some good cheap food, staying in a nice hotel, gambling a little, doing some shopping, maybe seeing a show, and walking down the strip.

    Belruel on
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  • Zul the ConquerorZul the Conqueror Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    I know how you feel, I've felt the same way at times. In retrospect, though, it's never been a healthy reaction. Unless there's a pattern of her not including you in her life, I wouldn't advise bringing it up. As others have said, both parties in a relationship need to be comfortable with a certain level of independence. This is a good opportunity to remind yourself that you and she each have your own lives, and have your life together.

    Zul the Conqueror on
  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited January 2010
    I don't think it's a big deal either. Now, if she's unable to pay her bills after the trip and asks you for money...

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  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Its strange that a girlfriend of two years does this out of the blue, but ultimately I see no consequences (barring her going nuts which would happen anywhere anyway).

    Improvolone on
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  • Steve BennettSteve Bennett Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Maybe I've just been with my wife too long and gotten too used to living tight with a person, but I can see a bit of what the OP is talking about. OK, I've been with my wife 11 years, and they've only been together 2, but maybe their relationship is really, really close. Having your significant other just sorta suddenly take off can be cause for you to be like "whoa, what?". Maybe this is just because I can't remember ever being free to just do stuff like that unilaterally - as far back as I can remember, we've always checked with each other on big things like this (and no, its not about the money). Basically, if you are inseparable, and live your lives so tightly that one can't fart without the other knowing, something like this is a big shock.

    There are additional reasons the OP might have trouble with this. If he's unemployed he might be feeling a bit lonely and/or bored. Maybe even depressed. This event would amplify those feelings, reminding him just how little he has going on, and throwing the additional feeling that his GF is neglecting him. While he suffers, she celebrates.

    Finally, if he is an insecure person (or has reason for insecurity), the whole 'Vegas' thing can be cause for alarm. I don't know his GF, or how 'wild' she can get, or how flirty, whatever. I can trust my wife completely. But maybe he can't trust his GF - he knows how she might behave in this scenario.

    Steve Bennett on
  • DarkewolfeDarkewolfe Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    When you live your life that close to someone, it's called codependency.

    Seriously, that aside: They're not married, they don't share expenses, it's not unreasonable to go on a trip spontaneously. Please don't encourage people being silly geese if you are a silly goose yourself.

    And she shouldn't have fun because he doesn't have a job? COME ON!

    Darkewolfe on
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  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Inside a cluster b personalityRegistered User regular
    edited January 2010
    There can be any number of reasons for this.

    She might just want a trip to vegas.

    Or she might know that the way she announced it will bother you and the outcome she wants could be any number of potential scenarios:

    Maybe she's hoping to start an argument that she can use as a basis for your breakup.
    Maybe she's doing it to make you jealous and motivate you to get a job.
    Maybe she wants you to be assertive and say something.

    Instead of wondering, you could just find out by asking her why she suddenly decided to go to vegas without you.

    Metalbourne on
  • Steve BennettSteve Bennett Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Darkewolfe wrote: »
    When you live your life that close to someone, it's called codependency.

    Actually, that is widespread misconception on what codependency actually is. Codependency generally applies to a single side of a relationship, and requires self-harm for the benefit of the other, as a means to an end. A couple that are close, with lives completely intertwined is not [likely] an example of codependency. A woman that self-sacrifices her own well being or safety for the perceived betterment of her partner is an example of someone that is codependent. Specific examples would be: giving all her money to him, giving up her family or friends at his wish (or perceived wish), changing religion or values, putting herself or people she cares about in physical danger.

    Some relationships are tight. Some are loose. Some relationships have the members maintain very independent and separate lives. Others lose all aspect of individuality. Neither relationship format is (necessarily) bad, and neither denotes an illness or syndrome that needs to be recovered from.

    Edit: I'm not saying she shouldn't go. I'm saying I understand why the OP might feel bad. At most, maybe I think she should have talked a bit more with him, if he's in a vulnerable state. It never hurts to try to have consideration for your partner.

    Steve Bennett on
  • vsovevsove ....also yes. Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Not to be a jerk, but any issues you have with this trip - they're your issues, not hers. If she was talking about going on a working trip to Thailand for six months then yes, you might have cause to bring it up as a concern. Otherwise - she wants to go on a trip with her girlfriends, she told you 'hey I might go on this trip with my girlfriends!' and now she's going on a trip with her girlfriends. This was a fairly linear path from one to the other.

    I don't mean to be harsh, but if you're really feeling bad about this - it sounds like there are some insecurities. I mean, many people have them while in relationships. It comes down to how you deal with them.

    vsove on
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  • TheUnsane1TheUnsane1 PhiladelphiaRegistered User regular
    edited January 2010
    I am some what interested in the living situation with a two year relationship and 25 year olds has there been talk of living together? If so what is the situation preventing this? If the OP is looking for a more serious situation and the GF is the one not interested I can see being a bit worried about the trip but letting go of the fear and just rolling with it is likely the way to go.

    TheUnsane1 on
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  • FiggyFiggy Fighter of the night man Champion of the sunRegistered User regular
    edited January 2010
    TheUnsane1 wrote: »
    I am some what interested in the living situation with a two year relationship and 25 year olds has there been talk of living together? If so what is the situation preventing this? If the OP is looking for a more serious situation and the GF is the one not interested I can see being a bit worried about the trip but letting go of the fear and just rolling with it is likely the way to go.

    His lack of a job might factor into that.

    Figgy on
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  • SliderSlider Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    There can be any number of reasons for this.

    She might just want a trip to vegas.

    Or she might know that the way she announced it will bother you and the outcome she wants could be any number of potential scenarios:

    Maybe she's hoping to start an argument that she can use as a basis for your breakup.
    Maybe she's doing it to make you jealous and motivate you to get a job.
    Maybe she wants you to be assertive and say something.

    Instead of wondering, you could just find out by asking her why she suddenly decided to go to vegas without you.

    Good point. The way she informed him did seem a bit odd.

    Slider on
  • EverywhereasignEverywhereasign Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    I kind of see what the OP is going on about. For me, trips take planning and time. If a drunken idea that I never thought would happen suddenly became reality it might blind side me a bit.

    However, she's just going to have some fun with her GF, nothing to be bummed about. If the situation were reversed, and a friend of yours suddenly came up to you and said, "Jim's mom broke her leg, so I've got an extra ticket to the <insert out of town sports event of your choosing> if you pitch in for gas, Jim said you can stay in his booked hotel room for free!" Would you say "I need to talk to <GF> about it?" Or would you (knowing you can afford it) jump at the opportunity, and call your GF and tell her how excited you are to be going?

    It sucks being left out, but you really don't want to do Vegas with a bunch of girls, like Ceres said, do you really want to spend 45 minutes in the Birks store while they look at jewelery? (Apologies to women that don't do that, I know I'm generalizing)

    Everywhereasign on
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  • ZephosZephos Climbin in yo ski lifts, snatchin your people up. MichiganRegistered User regular
    edited January 2010
    alright, just read up on everything. I do understand what a lot of you are saying. It actually was quite helpful and really kind of made me step back a bit and re analyze the situation.

    I am still a little miffed over the whole situation but instead of playing the harping boyfriend i'd much rather be the supporting kind.


    I'm not even worried about her going all crazy in vegas, she really isn't that type of girl, shes going with a couple whom are mutual friends and i know them pretty good as well.

    and as i said before its not like i was mad because she didnt get my permission, and she is more than welcome to spend her money as she pleases, something about it just rubbed me the wrong way.

    Zephos on
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  • CooterTKECooterTKE Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    honestly you have to deal with your issues. She for one does not live or share bills with you so her money. Two you are not married so she does not need to include you in everything she does or get your permission to go to vegas.
    At least she didn't text you from mexico.

    CooterTKE on
  • BrotherVoodooBrotherVoodoo Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    I wouldnt worry about it. I know a group of girls doing the same thing, I think they planned it a little more in advance but as long as you trust her and her friends, shouldnt be a big deal.

    BrotherVoodoo on
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  • autono-wally, erotibot300autono-wally, erotibot300 love machine Registered User regular
    edited January 2010
    Figgy wrote: »
    Slider wrote: »
    I, sort of, understand what you might be experiencing. I mean, I would automatically translate a trip to Vegas as some sort of desire to go "wild" without the constraints of being in a relationship or having you around. That would, obviously, hurt your feelings.

    I don't know, man. Women are weird.

    And that insecurity is a result of a lack of trust.

    Get over it. They don't want to go to Vegas because it's "away from our boyfriends." They want to go to Vegas because it's Vegas.

    It's often said that people are jealous because they see themselves doing that what they fear the other could do if they were in the same situation..
    Edit: And this was said to me by an ex who cheated on me, so I guess she proved her point? :P

    autono-wally, erotibot300 on
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  • synysterkillsynysterkill Registered User new member
    edited January 2010
    C'mon Jimmy,
    How old are you now, 25?
    gg.

    synysterkill on
  • FiggyFiggy Fighter of the night man Champion of the sunRegistered User regular
    edited February 2010
    Well, now that you've clarified that she is going with a couple and not just a few girlfriends, that is a bit different. You could see that as a double date.. minus you.

    Still, you don't have the money to go, and she knows this. From her perspective, it's better not to ask you to go than to ask you only so you have to be potentially embarrassed and say, "I don't have the money."

    Figgy on
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  • mullymully Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    Siding with Figgy - she wouldn't ask you because she doesn't want to embarass you with your lack of cash. That, or she just wants to do something with friends, alone - and that's normal! Being away from your significant other for a few days can also remind you of how much you enjoy their company - so try to be someone she's excited to come back to. Don't hound her, maybe just a "hope you're having a good time - will be happy to see you when you get home" kind of text and nothing more.

    There are a million and one reasons a girl might take a random trip like this so don't be too worried about it.

    mully on
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