As was foretold, we've added advertisements to the forums! If you have questions, or if you encounter any bugs, please visit this thread: https://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/240191/forum-advertisement-faq-and-reports-thread/
Options

*SOLVED*

ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
edited February 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
So, just recently, I got rejected for the nth time, which I suppose isn't unusual, but in this case brought up a slew of insecurities in me that I just don't know how to shake. For a little background, I'm 19, I have a history of depression (about 6 solid years of it), which I attribute to also having OCD (the obsessive part, so I tend to cling on to things that make me anxious...like this! :P....:x). I'm over it for the most part, and can handle most situations, but this means a lot to me and I really want some reassurance...or a reality check. Well, I don't want a reality check, but I guess if I need one I should get it now.

So, this girl. I think she's the prettiest girl I've ever seen anywhere. This includes movies, television, magazines, whatever...I like her body language, her voice, her looks, her name...She's got a great personality, we get along well, and I've never felt as strongly about someone as I have about her. Of course, it doesn't matter now, she likes another guy and it's clear there's nothing that's going to happen between us. As much as that hurts to get over, it also brings some doubts to my mind, the main one being: am I shooting too high? Am I going to have to settle for somebody 'realistic' and "in my league?" Those words honestly make me anxious just to think about. I couldn't settle until life really just beats me to the floor and I do it because I'd rather not be alone...

Everyone likes this girl, they think she's beautiful, and 99% of them understand she's out of their league. I don't believe in that thing, or at least I don't want to. By most accounts I'm not bad looking, but shit, now that I've seen her I don't know if I could handle somebody I found less attractive, and I don't know if I have what it takes to be with that person. It's not my personality I'm worried about, I think I'm a lot of the things most girls want: I'm sensitive, positive, I want just one girl, and I plan to treat her right. Of course, I won't do any of those things if I'm not up to standard physically. I'm in good shape and only getting in better shape, but what if I'm just not that handsome? I'm not really tall, I don't have a strong jaw, I don't have bulging muscles or any of that shit...I feel like I'm doomed to face the reality that I won't ever be with a girl like her.


Am I just beaten up because of a particularly harsh rejection or am I contending with something very real here?

TL;DR: fell for a really pretty girl who I think is great in all ways, standard is raised for me, now unsure if I will ever have that.

EDIT: Oh, and I also very, very rarely find myself attracted to somebody. It's not always the most beautiful girl in the room, often times people think one girl is gorgeous and I agree she's pretty, but I'm not attracted to her at all. Othertimes I'm attracted to a girl and I can't explain why. However, I don't know if everything has changed now that this chick has entered (and exited) the picture. Just like eating a gourmet meal, it's not easy to go back to something you find less appealing.

EDIT 2: It occurs to me that I'm explaining this girl in a purely superficial sense, and it makes me come off as being only superficial. I can guarantee there's a lot more to the whole thing. It's just that I found this girl that I think is almost perfect for me, and when it didn't work out I started worrying that it's because my standards are just too high, and that a guy like me will never get a girl like her.

JKKaAGp.png
Zombiemambo on

Posts

  • Options
    Waffles or whateverWaffles or whatever Previously known as, I shit you not, "Waffen" Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    It sounds as if you are deeply infatuated in her and trying to hard too hard to find similarities between yourself and her. Just let it go and drive on.

    Waffles or whatever on
  • Options
    ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    Waffen wrote: »
    It sounds as if you are deeply infatuated in her and trying to hard too hard to find similarities between yourself and her. Just let it go and drive on.

    This....doesn't seem quite relevant to what I was saying.

    Zombiemambo on
    JKKaAGp.png
  • Options
    VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    One: See a therapist for both the depression and OCD. it sounds a bit like your doing some self-diagnosing (especially on the sleep thing) and that's no good.

    Two: Your insecurity probably seeps out of every pore and even if you were a 6' 3" ripped Abercrombie model insecurity turns women off.

    Three: You say you only want 'top shelf' and don't want to 'settle' for someone 'realistic', that's a shit attitude to have and I'm not even sure what you mean by that. You only want hot chicks (but they don't have to be super model, just 'top shelf') but don't want hot chicks to judge you based off of your admittedly average looks? You realize how hypocritical that is right? A lot of those 'in your league' girls could have a great attitude, a sense of humor and be a great girlfriend, but you don't know since you don't consider them 'up to standard physically'?

    VisionOfClarity on
  • Options
    AsiinaAsiina ... WaterlooRegistered User regular
    edited February 2010
    Waffen wrote: »
    It sounds as if you are deeply infatuated in her and trying to hard too hard to find similarities between yourself and her. Just let it go and drive on.

    It doesn't even sound like he's looking for similarities.

    Have you ever even talked to this girl? All you've mentioned is how stunningly beautiful she is, but nothing about her interests or yours. Obviously looks are important in a relationship, but this whole idea of someone being "in your league" completely independent of whether you have anything in common is a really immature way to look at relationships.

    Asiina on
  • Options
    ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    Asiina wrote: »
    Waffen wrote: »
    It sounds as if you are deeply infatuated in her and trying to hard too hard to find similarities between yourself and her. Just let it go and drive on.

    It doesn't even sound like he's looking for similarities.

    Have you ever even talked to this girl? All you've mentioned is how stunningly beautiful she is, but nothing about her interests or yours. Obviously looks are important in a relationship, but this whole idea of someone being "in your league" completely independent of whether you have anything in common is a really immature way to look at relationships.

    We do. We hang out, have a good time, but she's just not into me. I make her laugh a lot (but most people can) and today, after some rocky stuff, we talked and she cares about me, just not the same way I care about her.

    I get along with a large variety of personalities, so she doesn't need to have a specific one for me to like her. It's her looks that just blow me out of the water, and when I look at her I can't help but think how amazingly pretty I find her. Her personality is great in some ways and not in others. She's bubbly and fun to be around, but totally oblivious to her surroundings at times, so I usually have to get her attention instead of the other away around (but it's not completely one-sided all the time). I don't think we'd be great together because of certain things (she's younger than me by two years, is always very busy and I really doubt she wants out of a relationship what I do), and I ask myself if I'd ever say yes if she asked me out, and I don't know...Like I said, getting over her is hard but not impossible, I've done it before. The rest of the shit that came along with it though, that's new and that's very, very hard.

    Zombiemambo on
    JKKaAGp.png
  • Options
    ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    One: See a therapist for both the depression and OCD. it sounds a bit like your doing some self-diagnosing (especially on the sleep thing) and that's no good.

    Two: Your insecurity probably seeps out of every pore and even if you were a 6' 3" ripped Abercrombie model insecurity turns women off.

    Three: You say you only want 'top shelf' and don't want to 'settle' for someone 'realistic', that's a shit attitude to have and I'm not even sure what you mean by that. You only want hot chicks (but they don't have to be super model, just 'top shelf') but don't want hot chicks to judge you based off of your admittedly average looks? You realize how hypocritical that is right? A lot of those 'in your league' girls could have a great attitude, a sense of humor and be a great girlfriend, but you don't know since you don't consider them 'up to standard physically'?

    One: I've been diagnosed with both by a psychiatrist.

    Two: It didn't until she rejected me.

    Three: Not quite what I meant...looks are very important to me, that's all. And I've liked girls who aren't by all definitions gorgeous, even if I think they are. Personality is incredibly important and I won't be with someone I can't stand to be around. It's just that I'm worried that this girl has somehow changed that, and now I think I can get what I can't have and I'm setting myself up for nothing but disappointment...However, I can't date someone who I just don't have that spark for, and it's very rare that I do. I guess I'm just letting out some stuff rumbling around in my head.

    Zombiemambo on
    JKKaAGp.png
  • Options
    FallingmanFallingman Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    So, just recently, I got rejected for the nth time

    So, this girl. I think she's the prettiest girl I've ever seen anywhere. This includes movies, television, magazines, whatever...I like her body language, her voice, her looks, her name...never felt as strongly about someone as I have about her.

    I feel like I'm doomed to face the reality that I can't have what I want the most, more than anything else: a beautiful woman to call my own.

    Just like eating a gourmet meal, it's not easy to go back to something you find less appealing.

    There are a few things from what you've said that indicate that you're not thinking about this particularly clearly.

    To feel so strongly about someone that you've not actually been in a relationship with is pretty textbook infatuation. From what you've written, you can see that it's affecting your overall perspective on the subject.

    You've also gone to great lengths to explain how great this girl is and how much you desire her... without actually mentioning what she's like as a person. It seems incredibly superficial and skin-deep. You want nothing more in the world than someone that looks good.

    My impression from what you've written is that you are indeed obsessing about the small things. We've all done it. On the superficial level you're acting on, most people pick others that they feel are of a similar level of attractiveness. On a longer timeline, there's much more room for movement as people look past the physical.

    Fallingman on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • Options
    ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    Fallingman wrote: »
    So, just recently, I got rejected for the nth time

    So, this girl. I think she's the prettiest girl I've ever seen anywhere. This includes movies, television, magazines, whatever...I like her body language, her voice, her looks, her name...never felt as strongly about someone as I have about her.

    I feel like I'm doomed to face the reality that I can't have what I want the most, more than anything else: a beautiful woman to call my own.

    Just like eating a gourmet meal, it's not easy to go back to something you find less appealing.

    There are a few things from what you've said that indicate that you're not thinking about this particularly clearly.

    To feel so strongly about someone that you've not actually been in a relationship with is pretty textbook infatuation. From what you've written, you can see that it's affecting your overall perspective on the subject.

    You've also gone to great lengths to explain how great this girl is and how much you desire her... without actually mentioning what she's like as a person. It seems incredibly superficial and skin-deep. You want nothing more in the world than someone that looks good.

    My impression from what you've written is that you are indeed obsessing about the small things. We've all done it. On the superficial level you're acting on, most people pick others that they feel are of a similar level of attractiveness. On a longer timeline, there's much more room for movement as people look past the physical.

    I truly understand that, and I've posted about her personality now. I mean, it's hard to explain, but I just feel good around her...or I did. I like her personality and it's important to me that we both connect on a deeper level. I just...I don't know. Things are kind of coming out wrong right now.

    Zombiemambo on
    JKKaAGp.png
  • Options
    FallingmanFallingman Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    I see what you're getting at, I think. So my honest answer to your question is not to worry. One rejection does not make for a trend. I know rejection hurts, but you will get over it in time. And asking someone out for the first time is not the end-goal, it's a starting point. It's fine to really be into someone, but you'll drive yourself crazy building them up into an ideal before you've even gone out with them.

    True story: Twice I've been out with girls I thought were stunning, and was pretty infatuated by on looks alone. Both times I learned very quickly that there was nothing there. It's not always that way, but I remeber the disappointment and it was a tough lesson to learn.

    Fallingman on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • Options
    RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    So the most beautiful girl you've EVAR SEEN EVAR isn't into you and your crash back to reality hurts...

    ...

    ...welcome back?

    Either up your game or lower your standards.

    RocketSauce on
  • Options
    ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    Fallingman wrote: »
    I see what you're getting at, I think. So my honest answer to your question is not to worry. One rejection does not make for a trend. I know rejection hurts, but you will get over it in time. And asking someone out for the first time is not the end-goal, it's a starting point. It's fine to really be into someone, but you'll drive yourself crazy building them up into an ideal before you've even gone out with them.

    True story: Twice I've been out with girls I thought were stunning, and was pretty infatuated by on looks alone. Both times I learned very quickly that there was nothing there. It's not always that way, but I remeber the disappointment and it was a tough lesson to learn.

    It's like this: I think she's close to the perfect package. She has flaws, but I'm very okay with that. I'm just afraid that a girl of this caliber will never come along for me. I don't know if I ever had a chance and wondering if I was stupid to think I did.

    RocketSauce: How do I "up my game"?

    EDIT: Alright, I know I'm not doing a good job of explaining how I feel. At all. Please bare with me, I'm trying. When I say 'settle,' I don't mean 'go out with someone I think is pretty but not the prettiest, I mean 'somebody I'm not attracted to but is considered pretty good-looking.' I guess I'm just afraid that I was naturally really picky before, and now this girl has gone and fucked it all up for me.

    Zombiemambo on
    JKKaAGp.png
  • Options
    iowaiowa Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    the only element of your post that is relevant to your actual well being is the depression/anxiety aspect.

    get yourself sorted out in that regard before you worry about romantic relationships. it's not fair to the other people involved until you do.

    iowa on
  • Options
    ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    I was fine before this, honestly. It just brought some insecurities to the forefront.

    Zombiemambo on
    JKKaAGp.png
  • Options
    FallingmanFallingman Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    I was fine before this, honestly. It just brought some insecurities to the forefront.

    Bingo.
    Sort your insecurities out, that's all they are.
    It happens to everyone.

    Fallingman on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • Options
    ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    Fallingman wrote: »
    I was fine before this, honestly. It just brought some insecurities to the forefront.

    Bingo.
    Sort your insecurities out, that's all they are.
    It happens to everyone.

    Got any tips on how to do this? :P

    Zombiemambo on
    JKKaAGp.png
  • Options
    eternalbleternalbl Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    OP, you know there's like billions of people on the planet, right? All this talk about 'top shelf' and 'calibre' is a bunch of bullshit. Everyone is beautiful in their own unique way including yourself and until you realize that there's really no help for you.

    More practically though, limit your contact with this girl. You're past love or infatuation, you're downright obsessed and you need to get some space and perspective.

    eternalbl on
    eternalbl.png
  • Options
    BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    do yourself, and especially any women you go for in the future a favor, and don't "settle" as you put it, for anyone.

    seriously.

    the woman you would "settle" for deserves far more than you would ever give her, seeing being with her so bitterly like that. how horrible is that? doesn't everyone deserve to be adored and loved, not "second choice" because the "hot chicks" didn't want you?

    so, no, don't "settle". work on yourself, and only be with women you adore, that may either come from only dating "top shelf" girls, or else from taking a good hard look at yourself and what you want out of a partner, and what you can also give, and making the best choice for your life.

    i know you don't mean to be malicious with the whole settling things, and i am being a bit harsh, but really just think about how that woman you ended up with would feel if she ever found out you "settled".

    Belruel on
    vmn6rftb232b.png
  • Options
    ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    Belruel wrote: »
    do yourself, and especially any women you go for in the future a favor, and don't "settle" as you put it, for anyone.

    seriously.

    the woman you would "settle" for deserves far more than you would ever give her, seeing being with her so bitterly like that. how horrible is that? doesn't everyone deserve to be adored and loved, not "second choice" because the "hot chicks" didn't want you?

    so, no, don't "settle". work on yourself, and only be with women you adore, that may either come from only dating "top shelf" girls, or else from taking a good hard look at yourself and what you want out of a partner, and what you can also give, and making the best choice for your life.

    i know you don't mean to be malicious with the whole settling things, and i am being a bit harsh, but really just think about how that woman you ended up with would feel if she ever found out you "settled".

    Yes, I agree, and I don't ever see myself having to settle with someone. But it does happen, and I was worried that it would happen to me. Hell, maybe some girl will settle for me and not vice versa.

    Zombiemambo on
    JKKaAGp.png
  • Options
    RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    Be comfortable being single. Women like guys who have more than one thing on their mind. Just be the most confident, nice guy you can be and don't worry about getting a soulmate at 19. By upping your game, I mean if you're going after your dream girl, you've got to be her dream guy. Think about what she might want in the guy she's dating. If that's not you, that's cool. I've met a lot of stunners who were pretty boring and ugly on the inside and thank god I never ended up with them. Beautiful girls have usually gotten away with people doing things for them or treating them special and aren't a treat to date.

    RocketSauce on
  • Options
    ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited February 2010
    Well thanks for all of the advice, people. Letting that all out made me feel a lot better. Solved!

    Zombiemambo on
    JKKaAGp.png
This discussion has been closed.