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Hung up on her past
AltimusMaximus
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
I never thought I'd be making one of these, writing my problem also helps me feel better by getting it out there.
My girl of one year and I (both in our late twenties) recently had a conversation in which I asked her how many guys she slept with. It was a lot. Me... I really haven't slept with any girls. This was a long time ago, she changed a lot since then. She truly is a new person now, and she told me that she'd understand if I was upset, but she can't undo her past.
I know this, her past is past. She changed. It doesn't change how I feel about her, but since last friday my mind has been wondering so many other things about her prior life. This morning she said to me when she noticed I was still hung up on it "I have a sad past, but I'm a new person now, my past made me into who I am today. But please, don't ask me any more about it"
My mind is racing with questions, I'm a little depressed. I want to ask her, but I'm afraid it might just depress me further and prevent me from seeing the beautiful things in her life today. But I'm equally afraid of not knowing what else she has done (for some irrational reason I feel that I need to know, even if it hurts me).
HA, I could use some advice. I know this sounds like a childish issue, considering that a lot of you come from very liberal countries... but it's a big issue for me. How can I get over this?
My girl of one year and I (both in our late twenties) recently had a conversation in which I asked her how many guys she slept with. It was a lot. Me... I really haven't slept with any girls. This was a long time ago, she changed a lot since then. She truly is a new person now, and she told me that she'd understand if I was upset, but she can't undo her past.
I know this, her past is past. She changed. It doesn't change how I feel about her, but since last friday my mind has been wondering so many other things about her prior life. This morning she said to me when she noticed I was still hung up on it "I have a sad past, but I'm a new person now, my past made me into who I am today. But please, don't ask me any more about it"
My mind is racing with questions, I'm a little depressed. I want to ask her, but I'm afraid it might just depress me further and prevent me from seeing the beautiful things in her life today. But I'm equally afraid of not knowing what else she has done (for some irrational reason I feel that I need to know, even if it hurts me).
HA, I could use some advice. I know this sounds like a childish issue, considering that a lot of you come from very liberal countries... but it's a big issue for me. How can I get over this?
AltimusMaximus on
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Otherwise, get the fuck over it. She's with you now. End of story. Unless she has exes calling her every 5 minutes, she's moved on. Dwelling on it will only push her away.
:edit: To clarify, her past has no bearing on your future. Having her tell you about it more will only focus your already apparent insecurities into little white hot points that burn away until you sabotage the relationship because you can't handle it.
In the end, it doesn't matter how many partners people have had. Once you truly figure that out, you'll be fine.
Also, watch Chasing Amy
The only way it might is if her past behavior isn't totally in the "past."
I think getting to the bottom of why you're feeling upset about this is an important step in getting over it, you have to acknowledge what you're feeling and accept it before you can accept her. And once you've done so, you absolutely have to let it lie - you can't be bringing it up when you fight or when you're trying to work through other relationship issues.
These are your options. They are both equally valid options.
It's not all that rare, from my experience. I had it happen when I first started dating my wife. She was my first, but she had a couple of guys before me. It's completely irrational, but it almost feels like she cheated on you before she met you. You just imagine this person you love with these other people.
To the OP, honestly, you're probably better off not knowing. Just wrap it all up in "Things She Did Before We Met" and throw it away. Like I mentioned, I was going through something similar, and I finally one day just decided that I was going to get over it, and I did. I don't really subscribe to the idea a lot of people around here do that whatever happened in her past is none of your business, but ultimately you have to decide if you want to dwell on it. You can't change it, so at this point does it really matter? She's with you now.
Thank you.
After explaining everything she agreed that what happened in the past deserves to stay in the past. You should too. It's the healthiest thing you can do, because she has already realized and corrected her problem. You, on the other hand, are hung up on something you can't change when you need to be looking at what's important. She's with you. Yes she may have slept with a considerable amount of guys, but she's with you. Nobody else. And that's all that matters.
Never let your mind focus on the past, because you can't do anything about it.
I think this is the best advice in the thread.
rather than obsess about the places her mind is going I focused on my own thoughts and behaviors as in: do I sometimes get crushes on other girls? yes. do I fantasize about them sexually? yes. does this mean that I don't love my girlfriend or that I am likely to cheat on her? no. Realizing this made all those jealous insecure feelings disappear.
I'm pretty sure there's advice pertaining to your situation in there somewhere. If it doesn't help I'm sorry it's the only thing I could come up with.
Man what??
Anyway as some one who in the past has been obsessed with wanting to know everything about my gf I have learned with time that not everyone is willing to just give what ever information people want to know up. It was jarring to me at first because I really have a nothing to hide from the person I am in a relationship with attitude. Wanna look thru my phone? go nuts. Wanna know how many girls I was with before you? sure.
Thing is if you love the person you are with you don't need any more information to process.
Anyway, post below, hope it helps.
----
I know where you are coming from. I'm constantly bothered by my girlfriend's sexual past: even today, a year into the relationship. I just cannot seem to stop it from affecting me.
If I see one of her partners (I'll call them that even though she never had sex), I too feel enough urge to kill them with my bare hands. Its sad, but its a reality that many people like us have to face.
And then there's the folks who are bystanders, saying "get over it", and "it's just the past... she's with you now."
If only it was that easy.
For some it will be, but for others, it may never be. If I did not love my girlfriend then I would have left her a year ago.
And do I have double standards? No. In fact, I was never sexually involved with anyone before my girlfriend.
I think I'm heading too far into my tale, so I'll skip that for now.
The point is you have two options.
One, leave you're girlfriend. Is she worth the suffering? What is it about her that keeps you with her? Is it you're attraction to her, despite how her past affects you, or is it because basically has a controlling grasp on you.
Or two, stay with you're girlfriend. Within this option, you also have two options. You can either tell you're girlfriend about you're problem, or you can try to hide it the best as possible.
In retrospect, I cannot say whether or not I made a good choice by telling my girlfriend about how I felt. We've been through a lot of problems because of it. Was it worth it? I don't know. But on the other hand, I kept honest and clean with her and told her how I felt. Unfortunately, it wasn't exactly good. So ultimately, its up to you. If you decide to stay with you're girlfriend, you have to make the decision to tell her or not. Think long and hard about it, too.
Whether or not you should stay with you're girlfriend depends on how commited the two of you are to each other, how you like (or love) her, and if she's worth the suffering.
The images in you're mind will never dissapear. Never. They will always be there. The only thing you can try to do is tough it out and ignore them. I'm currently in that process. They may come and go, and they will most definetely bombard you when you want them to the least.
The only thing you can do is try to think of other things when they come. Sometimes, however, the images and pain may be to intense and strong to overcome. But, if you can think positively (think of good times you had with you're girlfriend, or an interest/hobby). Or even do something else. Get up and exercise. Something to distract you're attention.
Right now, I've accepted that my girlfriend has a past. I cannot change it. You cannot change you're girlfriend's past either. That's a concrete fact never to be changed. Its just that I am bothered by what went on. And no, I do not think of what she did myself. I don't bring it on myself.
The bottom line is this will cause you massive problems unless you get over it -- or her. ---
Pay this part no mind. It's a steaming pile of goose nestled in an otherwise helpful post. Shit fades and is forgotten.
D-DOUBLE LIME.
Unless she's got some horrible disease from her promiscuous times or is fucking around behind your back, then put it out of your head.
And you're taking some kind of offense to this? If anything, it's a pretty big complement.
Yep.
Nothing's forgotten, nothing is ever forgotten
Remember though, she did all that in the past and in the end has chosen to stay with you.
That alone must say something about you and how she feels.
Late 20s according to the first post.
But if it bugs you in a jealous way, then yeah, you just have to get over it, and in that case it probably is best to not bring it up because talking about it will just bring back your jealousy.
EDIT: To try and put things in perspective, consider that she did all of these things before she met you and she chose to be with you and not do them anymore. Not only that, but she's perfectly comfortable with letting you know that she's a new person. If anything, I'd take it as a complement.
With time, I got over it and myself. What's past is past, aside from the aforementioned major issues (children, std's, etc).
It's not easy, and it takes a lot of soul searching, but worst case scenario you can't take it and end things, and both of you move on with your lives. It's important between you two, and obviously needs working on, but at the same time, it's not the end of the world. Either you can get past it or it becomes a dealbreaker. Just work it out, talk with someone you trust about your thoughts and feelings.
I'm sorry to be a debbie-downer here but I've seen this happen to friends before. It's great to be optimistic but it's smart to be realistic and ask the right questions - if you think you can handle them. Of course you may not get honest answers, either. I've seen this happen as well.
To whomever said "she's over her past so you should be too" - some people like to pretend to be "over" or "past" things that they know they ought to be ashamed of, or moreso, that they know OTHER people would not respect. I have done some terrible things in my life that I am ashamed of and I will never be past them - how can you be past such a large lesson in life - but they are certainly ALWAYS up for discussion with my SO.
And so what if she had multiple lovers at one time, how is that dangerous? Christ, how would you feel if someone used to be a heroin addict but kicked it, got her shit together, and had been clean for 7 years? omg horrible person don't date them?
What you've said here reminds me of someone plugging their ears and singing "LA LA LA LA" because they don't want to hear anything that might make them feel differently. Naive, in my opinion. If you can't work through someone's past issues with them, and come out understanding and trusting, then how the heck are you going to deal with FUTURE issues?
It's dangerous because habits tend to repeat. The heroin thing is a bit different, though at least if you knew and your SO started acting really strangely, you'd know how to approach it. Also, that's 7 years - and a different scenario.
Let's agree to disagree but agree that everything is dependant on perspective and scenarios. Yes yes?
A good partner in a relationship should absolutely be able to feel comfortable telling you about their past, because, if it is a serious relationship with long-term goals, you are going to be sharing your future together. A person's past makes them who they are, so it is only logical that their partner would want to know all about them, good or bad. Hiding any part of it only serves to breed resentment and uncertainty. That said, as others have said, OP, your options are pretty clear-cut: try to forget it (if it works for you, then fine, though it may not and you'll need to pursue it further) or try to have a long talk with your partner and see if she is indeed willing to be more forthcoming with you about her past. At the very least, perhaps she'd be willing to explain why she's so reticent to go into detail.
I think the point here (and this isn't in defense of any specific post or poster) is that anxieties are common and to a certain point expected. More importantly, though, one should base conclusions on contextual facts rather than subjective views of the "past".
If the OP has been happy for a year, what has changed? The introduction of an external situation which may or may not have an effect. Only communication and action will determine if it is important.
Or maybe she already had a relationship fall apart over not accepting her past, and doesn't want that to happen with this one. Dwelling on this shit, and second-guessing everything she says is only going to lead down a path of ruin. Either you start hating her for her past, or she resents you for obsessing about it so much.