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Running out of friends.
Dunxco
Should get a suitNever skips breakfastRegistered User regular
Should get a suitNever skips breakfastRegistered User regular
Hey H/A. I've had some good fortune here before so I thought I'd try my hand with a slightly broader problem than my previous ones. No wisdom teeth or sleep pattern screw-ups here!
I "finished" University at the start of summer 2009, and had a pretty good group of friends while I was up there, people I'd known for a good three years, give or take a couple of months. We've drifted out of contact since then, strangely (I've tried contacting them through text messages, phone calls, facebook, emails but it's all fallen on deaf ears. Kept that up for a good six to eight months before I just gave up on that lead).
I have a couple of friends hanging about in the vicinity, either living in the city (Cambridge) or one of the surrounding villages, but it's gotten close to a handful. Like, 2-3 are around nowadays. Most of them are still off at University, or doing their masters' in whatever it is they're doing. My best friend's doing really well at his Chemistry masters, but he's in the lab or a lecture most of his waking time. Others are working a lot of the time or visiting their SO's. I had a real rock of a friend during this entire period, but he's been narrowed down to one of the final three applicants for a job in Oxford, which would require him moving.
It'd really paint me into a corner if he moved away, but what it really hit home was how few friends I have that I can just go out with, so I need to start finding ways to branch out. I'm not much of a nightclub person, but I do enjoy going to bars or pubs, hanging out with a drink or two and just chatting. Basically what I'm trying to get at here is that I'm not good at social situations, but my list of friends is rapidly getting smaller and I want to rectify this before I become a complete recluse shut-in. So, any advice you guys and girls might have as to what I can do in this situation is very much welcome. Fridays nights on your own with the internet and a 360 are really starting to suck.
Edit: Adding a couple more details here to help clarify my situation. I'm 22, if that's relevant. I don't drive, I rely on public transport to get to and from the city, but it doesn't run on Sundays and the last bus from there to home is at 11:05pm, so sundays are out. I also don't drink hot drinks, meaning hanging out at coffee houses is kind of off the charter too. Not sure if that's any help but it's all I can think of off the top of my head.
I "finished" University at the start of summer 2009, and had a pretty good group of friends while I was up there, people I'd known for a good three years, give or take a couple of months. We've drifted out of contact since then, strangely (I've tried contacting them through text messages, phone calls, facebook, emails but it's all fallen on deaf ears. Kept that up for a good six to eight months before I just gave up on that lead).
I have a couple of friends hanging about in the vicinity, either living in the city (Cambridge) or one of the surrounding villages, but it's gotten close to a handful. Like, 2-3 are around nowadays. Most of them are still off at University, or doing their masters' in whatever it is they're doing. My best friend's doing really well at his Chemistry masters, but he's in the lab or a lecture most of his waking time. Others are working a lot of the time or visiting their SO's. I had a real rock of a friend during this entire period, but he's been narrowed down to one of the final three applicants for a job in Oxford, which would require him moving.
It'd really paint me into a corner if he moved away, but what it really hit home was how few friends I have that I can just go out with, so I need to start finding ways to branch out. I'm not much of a nightclub person, but I do enjoy going to bars or pubs, hanging out with a drink or two and just chatting. Basically what I'm trying to get at here is that I'm not good at social situations, but my list of friends is rapidly getting smaller and I want to rectify this before I become a complete recluse shut-in. So, any advice you guys and girls might have as to what I can do in this situation is very much welcome. Fridays nights on your own with the internet and a 360 are really starting to suck.
Edit: Adding a couple more details here to help clarify my situation. I'm 22, if that's relevant. I don't drive, I rely on public transport to get to and from the city, but it doesn't run on Sundays and the last bus from there to home is at 11:05pm, so sundays are out. I also don't drink hot drinks, meaning hanging out at coffee houses is kind of off the charter too. Not sure if that's any help but it's all I can think of off the top of my head.
Dunxco on
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Can you learn to drive?
Coffee houses also serve a variety of cold drinks such as ice coffee, smoothies, and often alcohol or coca-cola too.
I hate to say this, but this seems normal. Most all of my college buddies eventually moved or got busy with their own work, wives, kids, and eventually you don't have too many folk left if you just stick with the old guard and nothing but. There are alternatives, of course. Hobby clubs, social groups, adult sports teams, etc. that exist mostly because people are scared of this situation and seek ways to have friends outside of their normal every-day walkways, but how these would work for you would greatly vary.
Once you are out of college/school/etc, it's downright hard to meet people, romantically or friendly. I have a routine: work-home-work-home etc etc. It's a problem, because unlike college where you bump into folk you don't know at a dorm or in classes, you don't see new folk a lot. You're going to have to become good at "social situations," and my guess is that you already are without realizing it. This dosen't mean showing up to a night club and talking a girl out of her pants in five minutes, or appearing at a cocktail party and instantly becoming the Dos Aquis guy. You just have to find a group of like minded people and... talk.
You mileage will vary, but I found friends though work by chatting up my fellows and finding that a few of them actually are into some of the same things I am. I did the same thing with some folk I met at a gamestop while picking up a preorder. Just by making an effort to talk with people, you'll find a new circle to hang out with. It takes effort though.
It's kind of like fishing. It make take a thousand casts, but you'll eventually catch someone. And they'll probably have one or two friends to add to it, and they'll have one or two friends... and before too long you'll have a boat full of fish! Or friends. Or fish friends?
mmmm.... fish friends....
One thing I ended up doing was buying some web space and set up a forum for just the folks I used to hang out with. Though they are across the country, we still keep in touch because almost everyone has web-surfing downtime. They brought in some of their friends, and so on and it became a lively, if quite small, web community that we use to organize hang outs every so often (about once a month). It may work with your fellows.
I'm in a similar situation as you, OP. All of my friends my age or older from college just work all the time, and don't have lives or do anything fun. All of my friends younger than me are poor, but also don't have lives or do anything fun. All of my best friends have moved to NYC.
Enc: You really gave me some perspective in that first post of yours. It's sad to see that's generally "the case". I thought it was abnormal, and once you find a group of friends in somewhere like Uni you kinda just... Stick with them.
Psychotic One: Unfortunately I don't work right now. I had a job over Christmas that dried up when it came down to "2/4 candidates will stay on" and I was one of the unlucky two. It really doesn't help the situation because of all this extra time I have floating around. There's only so many hours of searching for jobs online, in the papers, or nosing around in the city you can do in a day though (I've capped myself to 4-5 hours searching a day, because after that point I just find I'm retreading old turf). Also I'm living back at the folks' home, intending to move out when I can nail down a job and scrounge up a housemate or two.
Adytum: I'll give it a try, having a browse around meetup.com sure as hell couldn't hurt, so long as it caters to the British crowd.
These days, people switch career's so much, you can't even really count on that.
As for advice:
1.) Find a stable social activity. Be it the local bowling league, the local pool league, the local church (if that's your thing). Some place where you have scheduled and regular contact with a group of people who have at least something in common with you.
2.) Bars/Clubs are great places to find a sexual partner, but rather horrible places to find much else.
3.) Once you purchase a home that you intend to live in for your lifetime, then get to know your neighbors. Become involved in the neighborhood association or whatever you have. Neighbors, for the most part, are your greatest source of lasting friendship. They already live close... you can have them over for dinner, schedule events together ... when you're married with kids your kids can do things together.
4.) Keep in touch with your family.
If you did, try looking for jobs absolutely everywhere. You need a jolt out of your rut. Don't just job-hunt in your area. The best thing in the world is to turn up in a city with a new job knowing no-one. That way, when you want to hang out you have to make an effort to meet people rather than hanging out with the same old diminishing group.
If not, try joining local societies. Film clubs, book clubs, roleplaying groups, football teams. Whatever, as long as you are interested it doesn't matter.
I did finish University CelestialBadger, but didn't graduate. It's something I intend to go back and finish when I pass the age barrier to become a mature student, or get some money under my belt from a job. It was a Media & Communications Studies course, and media-related jobs in the city are few and far between. The best outlet, BBC Radio Cambridgeshire, is periodically swamped with internships and work experience placements from the nearby 6th form colleges.
I will try looking into local societies and see what takes off. I'm sure there's a website or something with information about local hobby groups who can cater to at least one of my interests.
Really the best solution is to become involved in things you're interested in and be especially outgoing, even if it doesn't come naturally to you.
Another thing that worked for me is essentially becoming a regular at a bar that suited my personality. I'd stop by after work, have a few drinks, and chat with regulars. Most regulars in any laid back bar will know each other and it's an easy way to get to know a whole group of people at once.
I usually only hang out with one guy that I've been friends with since elementary school. That's it.
If you're interested in a sport, or would like to be, join a recreational league. Or even go to the drop-in times.
Once you've talked to some people there a couple times, it's very easy to ask the group if they want to go out for a beer and watch "the big match."
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