Family Troubles: How do I handle this?

Sipex

Please excuse any innapropriate tone in this post, I'm not insensitive, it just helps.

A week ago my aunt went missing, I'm not close to her at all though (last time I saw her was half a year ago and before that...over 5 years) so I didn't find out until Saturday when I read something from my cousin (her daughter) on Facebook.

My wife and I sent the family our condolences on their board as their message specifically requested no phonecalls and hoped things would turn out okay (although with this sort of thing, it's unfortunately rare).

My sister talks to me over MSN later that day and say they have found our Aunt but not sure what condition she is in. She tries to get my wife to call them (as my wife and my cousin are sort-of friends) but she doesn't because we had just given the family our number earlier that day and we don't feel as if we have the right to poke our noses in it. We do promise to let my sister (and by extension, brother and mom) know if we learn anything new.

Now, it's Wednesday, my wife logs into msn and my sister messages her with "I'm surprised I didn't see you today."

Confused, my wife asks what's up.

Apparently my aunt is dead (surprise!) and her funeral was today (Double surprise!)

Now, I'm saddened in that "I'm so sorry for your family" type of way because I honestly didn't know my aunt too well. I would have wanted to go to the funeral had we known though, you know, to pay respects to family.

The worst part is, I'm going to be painted as the bad guy here. My family (in particular my sister) will get on my case how I missed the funeral and this will just explode from there.

This isn't the first time it's happened so I know my family doesn't back off, no matter how right I might be. This usually results in me bending over backwards for them, I've grown pretty tired of this though and would like to NOT do it this time.

I haven't talked to them yet, I just got the message and am still at work so I may get lucky and they might understand. If they don't, does anyone have advice to how I deal with the situation?

Esh

How can you be to blame when no one told you? Explain that. That should solve everything right there.

Robos A Go Go

What does bending over constitute?

Xaquin

tell them you didn't know (which is true) and you'd have shown up if someone had told you.

just be polite and explain it that way.

Sipex

Esh wrote: »

How can you be to blame when no one told you? Explain that. That should solve everything right there.

That would be easy.

I bet the answer will be "I should've called someone."

edit: Yeah, I should have clarified.
Simply telling the truth will not work. My sister is both ignorant and intelligent and tends to act as the family mouth for this reason. She'll find fallacy in anything but understand nothing.

Sipex

Robos A Go Go wrote: »

What does bending over constitute?

Arguing with them then letting them have the last word (They are firm believers in last word = win). This means, while we can just pretend it didn't happen I will be expected to make up for it and the process will repeat itself later when something else blows up.

Druhim

Sipex wrote: »

Robos A Go Go wrote: »

What does bending over constitute?

Arguing with them then letting them have the last word (They are firm believers in last word = win). This means, while we can just pretend it didn't happen I will be expected to make up for it and the process will repeat itself later when something else blows up.

that's not bending over, that's being wise enough to walk away from an argument you can't win with someone who's being unreasonable

Esh

Sipex wrote: »

Esh wrote: »

How can you be to blame when no one told you? Explain that. That should solve everything right there.

That would be easy.

I bet the answer will be "I should've called someone."

edit: Yeah, I should have clarified.
Simply telling the truth will not work. My sister is both ignorant and intelligent and tends to act as the family mouth for this reason. She'll find fallacy in anything but understand nothing.

"My wife and I sent the family our condolences on their board as their message specifically requested no phonecalls and hoped things would turn out okay (although with this sort of thing, it's unfortunately rare)."

VisionOfClarity

Personally, I would turn it around and say that I'm surprised that none of them bothered to call to let me know what was happening and that I'm hurt that they would be so insensitive as to not tell me my aunt is dead. And that had I known anything I certainly would have called them right away because what kind of person wouldn't? Then I would add that I am very upset about my aunt and missing the funeral that no one had the time to tell me about. Maybe include that I feel betrayed.

Sipex

Yes esh, I know the logic is there, that's the sad part. I will still end up on the defensive.

Also, dru, yes, it is a good move usually but the end result is I just get treated badly the next time shit hits the fan because they seem to think 'Hey, I won'.

I've been contemplating the no shit tactic where I tell the truth and if they start I call them on it and cut them off until they're willing to be reasonable.

Esh

VisionOfClarity wrote: »

Personally, I would turn it around and say that I'm surprised that none of them bothered to call to let me know what was happening and that I'm hurt that they would be so insensitive as to not tell me my aunt is dead. And that had I known anything I certainly would have called them right away because what kind of person wouldn't? Then I would add that I am very upset about my aunt and missing the funeral that no one had the time to tell me about. Maybe include that I feel betrayed.

Worst idea ever. Lie and cause drama. o_O

Esh

Sipex wrote: »

Yes esh, I know the logic is there, that's the sad part. I will still end up on the defensive.

Also, dru, yes, it is a good move usually but the end result is I just get treated badly the next time shit hits the fan because they seem to think 'Hey, I won'.

I've been contemplating the no shit tactic where I tell the truth and if they start I call them on it and cut them off until they're willing to be reasonable.

If they don't listen to reason, then just ignore them. You can't argue with them otherwise.

Druhim

Sipex wrote: »

Yes esh, I know the logic is there, that's the sad part. I will still end up on the defensive.

Also, dru, yes, it is a good move usually but the end result is I just get treated badly the next time shit hits the fan because they seem to think 'Hey, I won'.

I've been contemplating the no shit tactic where I tell the truth and if they start I call them on it and cut them off until they're willing to be reasonable.

but you're being treated badly because they're being unreasonable, not because you did anything wrong
so I still fail to see how you're bending over for them by refusing to continue a pointless argument that you can't win

Sipex

Yeah, my sister would be able to tell it was a lie right off.

Thanks for the input esh, I was suspecting it was the right course but I needed confirmation I guess.

Bliss 101

Wait, nobody even told you your aunt was dead, and now they're angry because you didn't go to the funeral?

It's almost as if they or at least someone in the family allowed this to happen on purpose. Sounds like there are bigger issues between you and your sister/family that need to be resolved, but if I were you I'd leave that for later, because it's not a level battlefield right now. Right now I'd just try to get everyone to calm down, apologize profusely even though you've done nothing wrong, and let them have the proverbial last word. After the dust has settled, have a talk with the most reasonable member of your family, figure out what's causing these situations, and discuss ways to prevent them.

bowen

All I'd do is call up my mother/father (whoever's sister that was) and ask why no one called you and told you (so you could pay respects). After that, just say that you were waiting on a status update and didn't think it was that serious (because you didn't).

Sipex

Pre-emptive calling out, might work to diffuse the situation. I'll try that first.

Dru: It's not me giving in technically, no, but I call it that because it has the same end effect.

Bliss: while mature that approach won't work either. It's complicated but I know my family.

Chalkbot

I see this sort of thing happening around every funeral, although maybe not always to the same degree. People get mad at someone for little or no reason at all (or some totally unrelated thing) and make a huge deal out of it because someone died. I think it has something to do with the grieving process, but it's been a long time since my health class, so I don't know. A co-worker of mine had his entire family disown him after a funeral because of a very minor incident at the reception. In almost all cases, it becomes totally forgotten as soon as all the grief passes, so you could just politely bow out and wait for it to blow over.

illig

do you care about these people at all? as in, if there was not genetic relation between you and them (or your wife and them, as the case may be), would you care at all about what they have to say, or what they do, or what ridiculous drama they cause?

sometimes people need to look at the situation objectively and understand that bending over backwards ALWAYS just b/c it's "family" and "family is forever" and all the other similar BS adages is not necessarily the best course of action.

"family" means that they should also treat you with respect. otherwise they're just related d-bags

bowen

I was going to suggest that illig but I figured it wasn't nearly that bad. Though, I'm reconsidering that reading more of this thread.

Mugaaz

I don't think there is anything you can really do in this situation that is going to make it good. Just roll with the punches, be sincere or at least fake it, and don't escalate the situation in anyway. However, in all likelihood this will be held over your head for the rest of your life, regardless of who's fault it is. (Which is nobody btw).

Xaquin

Mugaaz wrote: »

(Which is nobody btw).

except his whole family for forgetting to tell him his aunt died maybe.

Dark_Side

Mugaaz wrote: »

I don't think there is anything you can really do in this situation that is going to make it good. Just roll with the punches, be sincere or at least fake it, and don't escalate the situation in anyway. However, in all likelihood this will be held over your head for the rest of your life, regardless of who's fault it is. (Which is nobody btw).

Man...after your performance in the religion help thread, and now this, I really think you should take a step back from giving advice.


As to the OP, this kind of stuff seems all too common now that families main means of communication is social networking sites. It sounds to me like you're already convinced you're going to be blamed. You don't know for sure that's going to happen, and sitting around expecting it to happen is only going to facilitate it. Bottom line, if your sister or anyone else was so concerned than they should have taken the initiative to call and find out themselves, you have no responsibility here, it's not you or your wife's job to act as the family mediator for members who can't get along. If someone wants to start drama about it, don't enable them in doing it by going on the defensive or trying to explain yourself. Just refuse to engage in it.

I can't even count how many mini dramas my family has had over passive aggressive facebook status and wall postings....

Druhim

Xaquin wrote: »

Mugaaz wrote: »

(Which is nobody btw).

except his whole family for forgetting to tell him his aunt died maybe.

seriously
mugaaz for worst advice