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She might leave me, I don't know what to do
Luinmac
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
On Monday, my girlfriend of nearly 5 years called and said she doesn't feel the same, and wants to end things. After going back and forth on the phone for an hour, I convinced her to meet me and discuss it further.
She seemed slightly more receptive and slightly positive in person... offering a few hypothetical situations if we were to try something new. This gives me a lot of hope
We agreed to take a short break and re-evaluate things this Saturday. She says she isn't as happy with me as she used to be, and is more happy with her friends. I can see this, I'm not a very outgoing person, but I know I should be.
I've been planning and writing down a lot of things to say and show her on Saturday. She's the most important person in my life, and I know that we're perfect for each other if I can just make the personal changes that need to be made. I can, I just need to convince her of this.
I want to propose a plan of sorts. Something for both of us to follow... such as scheduled times for us to talk more about our relationship (she holds things in and explodes every now and then, rather than talks about things). I want to schedule times for us to be more active and do fun things together. I don't know... I just want to show her how serious I am about this. I couldn't take it if she left me, I'm already going nuts about the thought of it happening. I've been stuck in bed, haven't eaten for a few days.
I finally came into work today. I know I shouldn't have, but I left her a message this morning proposing we re-meet tomorrow instead of Saturday. I didn't mention that every day without talking to her is killing me... but it is.
Since we've been together so long, I really want to throw around the idea of us moving in together this year. I think that since we've been together this long, it's only hurting us to still be living apart. I live on my own, she lives with her mom. She'll be graduating from college this summer. I figure when my lease is up in the fall, it would be a good time to try this. I don't know if now is the best time to bring up this idea... but I really want to.
I need ideas, thoughts, advice... anything. I can't get this out of my mind, I'm probably going to have to leave work today and take a vacation day tomorrow or something... I don't know what to do.
She seemed slightly more receptive and slightly positive in person... offering a few hypothetical situations if we were to try something new. This gives me a lot of hope
We agreed to take a short break and re-evaluate things this Saturday. She says she isn't as happy with me as she used to be, and is more happy with her friends. I can see this, I'm not a very outgoing person, but I know I should be.
I've been planning and writing down a lot of things to say and show her on Saturday. She's the most important person in my life, and I know that we're perfect for each other if I can just make the personal changes that need to be made. I can, I just need to convince her of this.
I want to propose a plan of sorts. Something for both of us to follow... such as scheduled times for us to talk more about our relationship (she holds things in and explodes every now and then, rather than talks about things). I want to schedule times for us to be more active and do fun things together. I don't know... I just want to show her how serious I am about this. I couldn't take it if she left me, I'm already going nuts about the thought of it happening. I've been stuck in bed, haven't eaten for a few days.
I finally came into work today. I know I shouldn't have, but I left her a message this morning proposing we re-meet tomorrow instead of Saturday. I didn't mention that every day without talking to her is killing me... but it is.
Since we've been together so long, I really want to throw around the idea of us moving in together this year. I think that since we've been together this long, it's only hurting us to still be living apart. I live on my own, she lives with her mom. She'll be graduating from college this summer. I figure when my lease is up in the fall, it would be a good time to try this. I don't know if now is the best time to bring up this idea... but I really want to.
I need ideas, thoughts, advice... anything. I can't get this out of my mind, I'm probably going to have to leave work today and take a vacation day tomorrow or something... I don't know what to do.
Luinmac on
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Also, get out of bed and eat. Take a nice long shower and go for a walk or play a game. Something to clear your head a bit.
Also, while all this work might earn your relationship a reprieve, do you really think you'll be able to give her whatever it is she wants consistently thereafter? It's much easier to be the ideal partner when your relationship is endangered than it is to do it on a daily basis.
What I'm saying is, it might not be a good idea to view this situation solely in terms of what you want and your feelings for her, or what she wants and her feelings for you. Consider whether or not the relationship itself is sustainable and what it will require of the both of you to sustain it. Is that a reasonable expense for what you're getting in return?
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
I agree with this.
Honestly, this happens with a lot of people. Many people have significant shifts in their personalities and perspectives going from late teens to the mid 20s. I admire your desire to try and improve the situation and show how you can improve yourself - but shouldn't she need to improve herself as well? I highly doubt she is perfect and you're the only one making mistakes.
Either way, if your relationship does end up fizzling out, continue on with the changes you had planned to make to yourself. You'll be better off in the long run!
no. at least not for someone else's sake.
These aren't things you can change overnight, though, or even over a year. Realistically, i don't see how this can work unless she feels the benefits of the relationship outweigh having to put up with your negatives. Based on her actions, she doesn't.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
If you two have been together for five years and she's just about to graduate, I'm gonna guess you're both 21-22 ish? So you've been dating since you were 16 and so much changes about a person during that particular period of your life. It's about growing as a person, learning to live and manage on your own, moving out and doing your own thing, and it is possible that she'd like to be independent for a while. And honestly, you two are going to be changing even more as people in the next five years this may come up again if you decide to stay together.
When you talk with her, ask her to be honest about what's bothering her. If it's specific aspects of your personality, or how you live, don't feel obliged to change yourself to maybe make her happy because you'll only end up subverting your own happiness.
And please please please don't even imagine that moving in together is going to magically fix any of the issues that you're having, it's only going to amplify them and make them worse because you're in such close quarters, which leads to terrible resentment and an even worse situation.
Though I'm sure there are differences, I'm so happy I'm not in that relationship anymore. It sucked royal for a couple months, but in the end, it worked out great.
(not saying you all will break up or that the circumstances are identical. Just noting similarities)
I figured that if we possibly tried moving in this fall, we wouldn't be strained with being apart all the time. I want to do more with her and her friends, and I think if we had more time together we would have opportunities to do so
I can only imagine how a girl would react...
This is so ridiculously true it is not even funny.
One thing to think about is whether you really want to be with someone who may not really want to be with you. When someone is interesting in moving on you can often temporarily change their mind or make them feel guilty about it, but it does not change the fact that they want to move on.
this happens to lots of people. don't try to force yourself back into her life, because it won't work. You'll likely get what I got: a few more months of frustrating bullshit and then another let-down. When someone realizes they don't feel the same way about you anymore, it's really not a comment on your worth as a person. This is basically impossible to internalize just from reading it on internet, of course, so I'm not sure why I'm saying it.
just try to learn from my mistakes and don't try to "fix" everything about yourself that must be wrong.
finally, you sound really codependent. recommend therapy. (for you, not couple's therapy)
OK, you have no way of knowing if she's really happy unless you ask her. And to be quite honest, she's pretty much told you she's not happy so please take this time to independently analyze the past few months together. Has she pulled away? Is she spending more time with her other friends? Do you two just sit around and do nothing when you're together?
Also, like the poster above me said, you definitely sound like you're clinging to this. Don't be desperate, even if this doesn't work out like you hope there will be other friendships and relationships in the future.
If you think it's strained now, living together will amplify that by 1000 percent. Yes, being apart may be stressful, but if she's trying to gain her independence of her parents, her school and you then living together would be a bad move. How are you going to feel when she's coming home after spending all night partying with her friends and you weren't invited?
Do you have friends of your own, that aren't also your GFs?
The old addage, "If you love someone, you've got to let them go" concerns exactly this. If she wants to leave, and decides on her own she wants you back, happiness to you. If not, you should probably respect her opinion, though it hurts. An honest breakup is a thousand times better than a dishonest relationship.
I think there is merit to the saying 'the couple that plays together stays together', and it's worth trying new things and forcing yourself to not be lazy to do so but at the end of the day sometimes it just doesn't work and trying to force it to just makes it worse. Some couples have nothing in common and make it work anyways, so YMMV.
here was my situation, me and my ex (we were together for six years) she was 19 I was 20 when we started dating. We were each others firsts in everything, she moved in with me and my roomate at about 1 and a half years together, and then we moved out into our own place. things were good but she definately was more outgoing and I wasnt. She was in school and worked part time and I worked full time.
Anyways she would take vacations without me because I couldnt get time off work, which looking back should have been a warning sign, anyways over the years she got more unhappy with the relationship but never told me and instead cheated on me when I had bought her a ticket to visit her friend in another city for her Birthday (happy birthday indeed... )
anyways at the time when things were going downhill I didnt really notice what was wrong, yea we werent having sex as often and she seemed unhappy at times but she blamed it on other things (school etc)
Your GF on the other hand came out and said she was unhappy and she doesnt feel the same way about you, that my friend is far far better than it ending poorly. You are young and probably dont have a whole lot of dating experience. Let me tell you, if you think your GF is great, wait and see what else is out there I garuntee there will be an even better match for you.
Let her go, wish her well and be happy for her you will come out a better man for it.
Moving in together is NOT a solution. I think you need to accept the fact that your relationship has arrived at a crossroads. It seems that she may have already decided the path she is going to take and it doesn't have room for both of you.
This whole situation sucks and is depressing and hurts, but it will get better. I've been through this and I thought my world was ending when it happened and I was in almost exactly the same situation you were in. Best thing you can do is to move on. Like a previous poster wrote, go ahead and make these changes you were planning on making in your life but not because you are desperately trying to fix a broken relationship. Change because it will make you a better person. I guarantee that in the long run being in no relationship is better than being in one that depresses you and makes you someone you're not.
Trust me - if your main reason for wanting to stay together is "I just know that we're right for each other!" you've got a problem.
If your only objective is to stay with her, I would make the counter-intuitive suggestion that you put on as brave a face as you can, and tell her that you agree, and that you think breaking up is a good idea. After this, do not initiate contact with her, and do not respond to any continued phone calls, emails, or texts with anything other than, "I need some time to decide whether we can be friends." Even if it's just a facade, this will communicate that you've come to your senses, that you're not clingy, and that you're more confident than she thought. If this is too much for you, at the VERY LEAST, for Pete's sake, please don't shower her with the phrases "you mean everything to me" and "I can change"; it may seem like touching sincerity to you, but she likely sees it in an entirely different light. Nothing will drive her away faster.
I think this is a terrible plan, however. You are both so young, and I find it quite likely that you've just grown in different directions. You are terribly clingy, and fairly needy. I would guess that, in the long-run, you and she will both be better off going your separate ways. You sound like the sort of person that would benefit from the confidence and stability gained by learning to appreciate yourself, and being alone. It may not seem it right now, but there are probably hundreds of thousands of women out there that will make you as happy -- or happier -- than she did.
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If this is something that she woke up and decided you have a better chance than if it's something she's been thinking about for a while, but these aren't overnight changes you're talking about making, and people going through major life transitions like she is getting ready to do... well, often they just want a fresh start. There's nothing you can do about that, and honestly I think that you probably shouldn't try because if this is the case you're either prolonging the inevitable or about to make your breakup that much more miserable.
Give her the space she's told you she needs. I understand what you're going through, I really do; I've been there. I can tell you that if you don't give her the time she asked for you're making it much more likely that she's going to just end it. For every hour early you call and for every aspect of this you try to plan you add a percent chance to an already poor outlook.
Everyone says it about dating: you have to know yourself before you get to deeply know another person. It's almost impossible to really know yourself before you've even graduated college, let alone high school.
But ... I bet if you do let go, you will find out a lot of things you never knew about life. And, let me tell you, it is no fun staying in a relationship when the other person is only there because they don't have the balls to cut it off and want to give you a chance so you feel better.
My life started after I got out of that relationship, and I became an adult. I imagine the same would be true for you, friend.
Think about what you're asking her to do. You're asking her to put her life on hold while you get your act together and do the kind of self-improvement you should have been doing already, without the threat of losing your relationship. That's not fair to her, and even if she does stay with you (which you might be able to talk her into... this is difficult for her as well and I'm sure she cares deeply about you), it'll only breed resentment in the end.
You need to learn who you are without her, and how to live on your own as a full adult. It really sucks at first, but it's vitally important. It'll turn you into a more confident person who is happier with himself, and you'll be able to have more amazing relationships in the future.
You are not who you date. Though it may seem callous to you right now, no one needs to have a significant other in their lives, we choose someone to complement the whole person we already are.
Your girlfriend is striking out to become her own person, and for you to make it through this, you need to do the same.
To relate to myself: I love my wife dearly, and would be devastated if I ever lost her. However, if she ever decided that she needed to move on with her life and leave me behind, as much as it would hurt I know, deep down, that I would be ok in the long run, and that's what, I hope, you can learn from this.
This is me. I completely agree with everything mully says.
I just want point out that really, if she no longer feels that way about you, perhaps it would be best to let her leave. You love her, but if she's lost that then you can't force it to come back, it will really be up to her. Living a lie won't make either of you happy.
It might hurt (a whole, gut-wrenching, bunch, when it happened to me) to think of it that way, but after a little while, I realised it was actually good that we broke up. It helped me to grow into my own. You might find something similar.
EDIT: Wow, late, and looks like this happens a lot. Needs to be renamed the '5 year itch' or something
Now, I've done more growing up in the last 2-3 years than I did the whole time I was with him. I'm a totally different person and a better person for it.
Some times people just need to grow up, to move on, and to live their own lives. Would you rather have her regret letting you "get away" or would you rather her possibly grow to resent you for not letting her spread her wings?
There was one moment, after she left for the last time, that we were in the car, both crying because it was so hard, that she would have come back home with me. I often think about that moment that occurred when I was dropping her off at her parents place after a "date" when we were trying to figure out what to do. If I had just said "Come home", she would have. And, maybe it would've been another few months of marriage that would have been fairly miserable for both of us or maybe we would've lasted years. Either way, I told her that she should think about coming home overnight and see how she felt the next day. After reflecting on it, she asked for a divorce.
There are moments that you look back on in life that are branches or intersections. That was one of them. I still get occasionally sad about it, but I know that I would not be who I am today or as happy as I am today if I had asked her to come back home with me.
This is going to hurt and you may never love someone the way you love your first and only. But, you may also miss out on becoming the person you can be by becoming the person someone else wants you to be. And that's not a sacrifice you can live with easily.
If you do split up, do not talk or see each other for awhile. It'll only serve to hurt you.
My best advice: Go out, do things with friends, find new friends, figure out who you are and what you want, and live your life.
This so hard. I made that mistake for like three months before I cut off ties. I thought it'd be easy, but it so isn't.
Wounds heal quicker if you don't poke 'em.
this is an almost perfectly ubiquitous experience (I've been on both sides myself) and it pretty much always ends the same way
But as previously mentioned by well EVERYONE, the relationship is pretty much done. It is going to suck , its going to hurt but move on.
I still love my ex, but I love the woman that she was when we met. She is different now, I am different now and its the same with you and your girlfriend.
Making plans, proposing solutions, it never works. I've done it all. Now I just face the end of relationships as I would a layoff, well, something between a death and a layoff. There is nothing you can do. Grieve for it properly and move on.
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