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Expensive first date?
Waldo
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hi H/A, sorry to bother you with another (sort of) girl thread, but this one shouldn't be too painful.
Background: I've had a crush on a girl for a little while, now I think I might have seen a sign or two of interest recently (or I'm inventing them in my mind), so I'd like to ask her out (since unlike so many others at our college, I don't think we're the type to get drunk and "hook up" etc at a party, even though we go to many of the same ones). Further background, we're both sophomores at a university, in the Boston area.
Also, we met freshman year, but have been hanging out more as our group(s) of friends have become basically one and the same. So I ruled out a quick lunch date, seeing as we're a bit past being acquaintances. Even so, I'm not completely sure what all her interests are, so I figured a decent awesome-for-everyone date would be a trip to the Boston Museum of Science, which I've heard good things about (or the aquarium, but we've both been there already, technically together in a group last fall semester, I think it's where we first met). So maybe the museum this weekend afternoon or whatever, and a little lunch afterwards if things go well (let me know if you have other suggestions).
Alas, the MoS costs $20/person, or $25 with one imax show included. I don't really have a problem with paying this (since I'll be the one asking her), and also for any lunch I guess (and maybe T fare?), but the thought occurred to me that is this a bit much for a first date? I don't want to seem like I'm some high roller or anything and scare her off, because I'm not that type of person who spends just to seem cool (I'm just frugal enough with my summer job money that I have enough to do something like this). Obviously none of you (or I) know what her reaction will be, but do you think that a $50+ first date is a bit too much? I would be willing to go dutch if she asks I guess, I only assume I'll pay since I'll be asking her. Sadly, my university doesn't get any discount on the museum like Harvard does.
Uh, also, this would basically (or completely) be my first date, since I didn't really do that in high school. All suggestions for other cool things to do around here, and/or good and cheapish places to eat are completely welcome. Any special tips for first (and first ever) dates are also cool.
Sorry for the long post and thanks in advance!
Background: I've had a crush on a girl for a little while, now I think I might have seen a sign or two of interest recently (or I'm inventing them in my mind), so I'd like to ask her out (since unlike so many others at our college, I don't think we're the type to get drunk and "hook up" etc at a party, even though we go to many of the same ones). Further background, we're both sophomores at a university, in the Boston area.
Also, we met freshman year, but have been hanging out more as our group(s) of friends have become basically one and the same. So I ruled out a quick lunch date, seeing as we're a bit past being acquaintances. Even so, I'm not completely sure what all her interests are, so I figured a decent awesome-for-everyone date would be a trip to the Boston Museum of Science, which I've heard good things about (or the aquarium, but we've both been there already, technically together in a group last fall semester, I think it's where we first met). So maybe the museum this weekend afternoon or whatever, and a little lunch afterwards if things go well (let me know if you have other suggestions).
Alas, the MoS costs $20/person, or $25 with one imax show included. I don't really have a problem with paying this (since I'll be the one asking her), and also for any lunch I guess (and maybe T fare?), but the thought occurred to me that is this a bit much for a first date? I don't want to seem like I'm some high roller or anything and scare her off, because I'm not that type of person who spends just to seem cool (I'm just frugal enough with my summer job money that I have enough to do something like this). Obviously none of you (or I) know what her reaction will be, but do you think that a $50+ first date is a bit too much? I would be willing to go dutch if she asks I guess, I only assume I'll pay since I'll be asking her. Sadly, my university doesn't get any discount on the museum like Harvard does.
Uh, also, this would basically (or completely) be my first date, since I didn't really do that in high school. All suggestions for other cool things to do around here, and/or good and cheapish places to eat are completely welcome. Any special tips for first (and first ever) dates are also cool.
Sorry for the long post and thanks in advance!
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If you went to a weekend movie, the tickets would be around 25-30. Then add 10 bucks for popcorn and drinks and you would be looking at 40 bucks for the movies. So I think you're fine.
Just relax and have a good time, there's no secret formula to a good first date except being you and enjoying her company.
-$50 is not an expensive first date, at all.
- Get a part time job, srsly.
Its a first date.
OP, it's been gorgeous in Boston lately, take advantage of that! The walk along the waterfront down by the Aquarium is wonderful on a warm day. Alternatively, if you have a library card you can get museum passes for free/cheap from the Boston Public Library. There is a wait period sometimes but it's worth checking out. The MoS will take you a long time to get through, that alone is a good date, don't worry about the movie. Personally, I would avoid the movie because you're just sitting there not talking to each other during it, do something where you can interact. Do the museum and if you after hit Harvard and grab some ice cream or something simple like that.
If you asked me out on a date to the movies, would I have a right to not be impressed if you didn't pay for my ticket? Or would I be expected to pay for yours as well?
Non-issue, I can't think of a single reason why I would want to ask you out anywhere.
Also OP, I totally forgot this but the Metro can be a great source for finding out what's going on around town. So grab a copy (they're free!) or check out their website: http://www.metro.us/us/news/boston/
Wow. . . ouch. Dsmart brought up a good point, you know.
Also, women who demand that men pay for everything amuse me. Way to continue the stereotype that women need to be looked after and sheltered, VisionOfPatriarchy.
The burden should be on whoever does the asking. Clearly, in this situation, the OP does the asking, so he should be the one paying.
The language VoC used is "If a guy asked me to a movie and made me pay, that would be a big turn-off" which is quite a reasonable stance to take.
If she's worth it, she won't expect you to pay for anything outside of your own entertainment.
Women are not some frail creatures who cannot work, and honestly, the practice is rooted in sexism. It would be different if you exchanged paying for dates, but for a first date? Please. If she gets upset about that she isn't worth it.
Except that's not what she said at all
She said, if she was asked out on a date there's reasonable expectations that said gentleman would be paying for the date's activities, which I think is a fair assumption unless some other agreement was come to
And name calling is such an excellent rebuttal
That expectation is stupid in the 22nd century and reinforces inequity between the sexes.
I mean, if you want to chase that kind of girl, be my guest, but a reasonable adult shouldn't even be surprised if a guy does not pay for their meal or movie ticket when going on a first date.
Robman is right, too. Movies are bad first dates since you're sitting in the dark not talking.
Grab an inexpensive meal somewhere or a cup of coffee. A museum is a great idea too.
Fairly certain you're missing the point.
If X asks Y out, the expectation is that X pays, regardless of X or Y's genders.
Check her second post.
Actually it's pretty gender neutral. If a guy asks her out, he should be the one paying, because she's the one being asked.
So the OP should either wait for the girl to ask him on a date, figure out somewhere cheaper to go, or pony up.
If I ask a guy out, I'm gonna be fully prepared to pay for our date. If he wants to offer to pay for his part, great! But I'm not gonna ask him out and then expect him to go halvsies.
If a guy asks me out, I'll expect him to be ready to pay for the whole date. I'll probably OFFER to pay for my part, but if he EXPECTS me to pay for my part, that is a HUGE turn-off.
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And a reasonable adult has a right to be thrilled and feel special when someone takes them out on a date, which may include them paying for movies, dinner and/or museum tickets
Most public libraries in the area carry a couple tickets. My family always uses the Newton Public Library. You need to check in advance, though, as there is usually a waiting list.
It really isn't gender neutral when traditionally, in the past, the women were not in a position to pay for the meal because they weren't allowed/expected to work. Women still don't approach men and ask them to go out on dates (there are exceptions) because of this history.
You can't assert a point that ignores history or how these roles were developed. If I ask a girl on a date, it's a way of saying "I want to get to know you better" not "I want to buy a ticket and a meal so that I can get to know you...pay 2 play!"
What a ridiculous notion. Dating involves two parties. I mean, if you want to date a person who expects "certain things in life" that's great and I wish you all the best, but personally I have no time for someone who feels entitled to being bought dinner and a movie.
Except that these days that no longer applies, many women earn significantly more than their partners and choose to court them in a "traditional" manner by paying for dates. Does that make me a terrible person? Does that make my bf less important because I enjoy taking him out to dinner? Not at all.
You are asserting an exception to the rule as the rule.
Women still earn less than men on average.
Women still aren't as forward as men on average, without being perceived as "bitchy."
I bet the amount of men who ask women on dates far surpasses the amount of women asking men on dates.
I think it's stupid to assume that asking someone on a date is saying anything other than "I want to get to know you." <---this is what I am saying - none of your other conjectures.
And before I get jailed...I'll end on that note.
Also, paying for your date and throwing down a fat stack of cash on the first date are two very different things. If you're worried about doing "too much" on a first date, tone it down a bit. Start with the museum, and if you guys are feeling food afterwards, go for it. If you decide you can't afford it when it's brought up, just say so. "Oh I wasn't expecting to get food so I only have $X on me." Maybe she'll offer to pay? Who knows?
And I'm the one pandering to gender issues?
These assumptions are neglecting one very important thing: that the individual experience is based on what you as a man/woman/somewhere in between decide to get off your ass and do.
That has got to be the lamest excuse ever. Might have worked 20-30 years ago, but everyone has a credit card now and damn near every food joint will take a credit card.
Only expecting it on the first date is an improvement, but still an undesirable dating standard. By asking a girl out to dinner and a walk in the park or something, and that's part of the request, I don't see why the man should be expected to pay. The woman knows what activity she's agreeing to, so she knows whether she can afford to pay.
If it's a situation where the activity is particularly expensive for a typical date, I absolutely expect that whoever made the request, should be willing to pay if it turns out that the other person can't reasonably afford it.
Now, going to a museum, despite its high price, doesn't strike me as "high-roller" in any way. If the primary concern is coming across as being spendy, I wouldn't worry about it. If it was a very expensive 4 or 5 star restaurant, I would consider that too much for a first date.
The burden of facilitation is on the person who initiated the date.
And this behavior completely transcends dating, too.
If someone asks me to a party, even just a friend, I assume they have most of the kinks worked out, though not necessarily who's going to pay. But if a friend suddenly expects me to give them a ride I'll be at least a little put off, because they're the one who initiated.
Some girls actually like going out with guys of the mindset to pick up the check, hold the door, and offer them their jacket when it is cold. While other girls are horribly offended by these social conventions. Neither one is "right" in any meaningful sense of the word.
If you ask a PERSON out on a first date, you should be prepared to pay for both halves unless you plan to say "Hey, want to go do this really fun thing I thought up with me? Oh yeah, but we're going dutch" and are completely okay with hearing "Sorry, I can't afford that right now so I don't think so."
If you really like the person you can try to come up with something cheaper on the spot or have a plan B, but s/he has already said no to you at this point. The association is already negative because your initial request was made without regard to this person's financial situation. Pressing the matter is a precarious thing. It's a first date. It's YOUR idea to do this fun thing. YOU pay. If she offers to pay for herself, great. If not, no big. I have paid for first dates when I asked, and been paid for on first dates, and usually what would happen is that either after that we'd go dutch or switch off, which usually works out just as well.
Anyway OP, this sounds like an awesome first date and one I would happily go to. If you can easily afford it, it's not too expensive. You're not buying her a dozen roses or anything. The only suggestion I have for you is not to mention the movie unless she expresses an interest in it, because as it's been pointed out movies are not really great first-date kind of things.
It is a bit much in cost for a random first date, but since you kinda know the girl a little, I think it's okay. Without getting into a debate about who should pay, it's important to always be prepared to pay, unless you discuss it beforehand. Otherwise, you might find yourself in an awkward situation when a bill comes, or get frustrated. Whether or not you want to pay, go dutch, or have her pay for everything is up to you. But try to stay within your means when dating, it's easy to get carried away trying to impress someone.
I will add, however, that if you ask her to the museum (better than a movie) and pay for it, and then she suggests you go eat, that it is totally ok at that point to discuss payment for the dinner rather than feel pressured to also pay for that (or assume that she will pay for it).
I didn't make it clear I guess, I'm nowhere near broke, I can afford the tickets (like 50 times over) and a meal if we get that far. I was just trying to make sure that I didn't look like I was trying to show off how much I could spend (since most people know how expensive the MoS is). The question was more due to my lack of experience with dating, and what kind of impression it might give off, but it's not really that much money anyway, I'm just a bit nervous! Thanks for the advice. Letting her her pay her T fare would probably help that too, great idea.
One more question: How should I phrase the asking to make sure she knows it's a date, not some trip I'm planning with our mutual friends? I was thinking of just straight up "If you're free, would you like to go to the science museum on saturday?"
I'm just not sure if that's not really clear, if i should say "come with me to the museum" or what. Like I said, would be my first real date (and last time I asked a girl out--awhile ago--), she immediately asked who else was coming, and I had to stammer "uh, heh, just us!." But I don't think she was interested anyway :P )
Thank you all (and again in advance)