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Girl thread (coworker too)
variant
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Alright, so I know this is a no-no but I went there anyways.
---we're in profession where we don't ever actually work together or even see each other @ work more than once a week----
So I started hanging out with this girl on and off for about 3 weeks while flirting a lot, then last sunday went over with a few other coworkers to her place and watch a movie, we all leave after eating at around 9, as I'm pulling in to my garage she calls me and tells me to come over for another movie.
I was game, so I head back over there and half way through the movie we started cuddling and I didn't really bother taking it farther. So we finished the movie and I said maybe I'll see her sometime this week.
I hit her up monday with just a text saying I'd be free tuesday/wednesday and we could do something if she was free...she says okay, texts me tuesday saying lets do something Wednesday.
I call her Wednesday and she gives a bs excuse so I said just forget the whole thing...she asks what i mean and I basically tell her that we're co workers and if she doesn't feel up to it then we should just drop it. She agrees and apologizes for giving off "the wrong vibes." (making me feel as if there was no mutual attraction at all, hey thanks!). Rest of the night went down the drain as did the rest of the week.
And now the problem is: I absolutely cannot be friends with someone I like, It's only been, what? 5 days? and she keeps texting me, asking me how my day is and asks to hang out (in groups). I HATE that kind of intrusion by someone after romantic rejection---Yet I'm tempted, but I don't want to be the guy sitting around waiting on a friend---so what should I really do? I can't tell her not to talk to me because then she's just gonna think I'm bitter and possibly make this all even more problematic, and I doubt there's any chance of reconciliation.
Sorry if this doesn't make any sense I kind of had to quickly type it as I've got work early and still need to finish up somethings around the house
---we're in profession where we don't ever actually work together or even see each other @ work more than once a week----
So I started hanging out with this girl on and off for about 3 weeks while flirting a lot, then last sunday went over with a few other coworkers to her place and watch a movie, we all leave after eating at around 9, as I'm pulling in to my garage she calls me and tells me to come over for another movie.
I was game, so I head back over there and half way through the movie we started cuddling and I didn't really bother taking it farther. So we finished the movie and I said maybe I'll see her sometime this week.
I hit her up monday with just a text saying I'd be free tuesday/wednesday and we could do something if she was free...she says okay, texts me tuesday saying lets do something Wednesday.
I call her Wednesday and she gives a bs excuse so I said just forget the whole thing...she asks what i mean and I basically tell her that we're co workers and if she doesn't feel up to it then we should just drop it. She agrees and apologizes for giving off "the wrong vibes." (making me feel as if there was no mutual attraction at all, hey thanks!). Rest of the night went down the drain as did the rest of the week.
And now the problem is: I absolutely cannot be friends with someone I like, It's only been, what? 5 days? and she keeps texting me, asking me how my day is and asks to hang out (in groups). I HATE that kind of intrusion by someone after romantic rejection---Yet I'm tempted, but I don't want to be the guy sitting around waiting on a friend---so what should I really do? I can't tell her not to talk to me because then she's just gonna think I'm bitter and possibly make this all even more problematic, and I doubt there's any chance of reconciliation.
Sorry if this doesn't make any sense I kind of had to quickly type it as I've got work early and still need to finish up somethings around the house
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Why did you get pissed at her because she couldn't hang out with you one day? That is a weird thing to do.
I don't see where she rejected you.
Stop being weird and go hang out with her.
but they're listening to every word I say
Seriously, it's not a stigma anymore, just don't fuck in the supply closet or shit on her keyboard if/when you break up.
People spend the majority of their time at work, we can't be expected to work our ass off at the complete expense of happiness.
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And Yeah I'm with you on the co-worker dating thing. I don't get it either---I work 56-65 hours a week the only people I see regularly are clients and co-workers, you're bound to hit it off with one or the other.
Because? Who invites you back to their house after friends leave to "watch another movie" late at night?
Someone who wants to bone that is who.
edit: maybe you blew it because you didn't take it anywhere.
but they're listening to every word I say
Did you bother to read this?
Giving off the wrong vibes, meaning "Oh sorry, I didn't mean I was into you."
Doesn't matter as that's simply not what I am/was looking for, it's just not something I do, hence I tried to set up the night out.
I know I regularly invite people back to my place to cuddle with that I am not into. Wait, no, no I don't.
You called her and asked her out somewhere. Then what happened? What exactly did she tell you on the phone? What context was the "wrong vibes" comment in?
but they're listening to every word I say
I didn't realize you were the girl he was talking about.
edit: at the other goose, not the OP.
edi edit: though, I don't see why she doesn't have to know you are avoiding her. Just do it.
but they're listening to every word I say
You don't. If you think there's something unclear about the two of you, confront her, or tell her that you can't pursue a friendship with someone you have feelings for and that you can't hang out with her if she doesn't feel the same way about you.
But that's where being a coworker complicates thing, if she talks about this to ONE other girl at work out of frustration or confusion, I guarantee it will reach management and I, being the guy, will get canned.
Jedus: She said something like: Agreed. It wouldn't be good. Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression too. I think friends and coworkers would be best. I'm sorry for the flirting and such.
And again about the fling thing, I've never done that, I wouldn't know how, I wouldn't be comfortable doing it either, I know I'm young and that's what people my age do but I'd rather be with a girl than just sleep with her.
It's as simple as "hey, I like you, but We're also co-workers and I don't want this to be inappropriate/awkward/whatever. Could you please refrain from talking to me. Thank you." or...something similar. If that doesn't fly, then just be polite with her around the office, and ignore her texts.
You worded your OP like you've been dating for 5 years and you two just broke up and absolutely CAN NOT BE FRIENDS OMG. Look. You've known her for like..what, a couple weeks? Just chill out, try and quell your feelings for the chick you've known for not even a month.
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While that's okay in the short-term, you don't want it to turn into a "thing". I mean, she's already invited a bunch of co-workers over to watch movies, and depending on how you handle this you could end up making things awkward for all involved. That's based on how much you value the company of the co-workers, or the groups she keeps inviting you to hang around with, but be very careful how you go about this.
You know, it's entirely possible that it's just a defense mechanism on her part, maybe she's offended or hurt that she went out of her way to come on to him and he didn't reciprocate, so she takes the route of saying well...I wasn't really into you anyway to make herself feel better.
Her actions speak louder than her words and in this case, OP may still have a chance if she's still texting him all the time. As to how to respond to the texts, that's a bit tougher, if you're over it then I would at first be pretty non-committal and as you get a little more removed from the romantic entanglement it shouldn't be that hard to move back to being good friends. Just takes time that's all.
This is the best advise so far. You didn't propose to the girl, you haven't been pining for her for years. You felt an attraction, and for one reason or another it didn't work out. Doesn't mean you have to toss her to the curb.
I agree with this assessment. OP, pro-tip... when a woman asks you to do something out of the blue like this, it's generally a scenario. She had a version of how she expected things to play out, and you didn't follow along... so.... bad end. There is no savegame.
You being intuitive enough to pick up on that, or at least interested enough in spending time with her to take her up on her invitation, was more then likely part of what she had in mind. Realizing it after the fact doesn't get you points.
I understand if you are upset, it makes sense to me. The only way to get over a crush (I've found) is to either
a) start dating someone else
b) cutting off all contact
Unfortunately since you are both coworkers, b is an unlikely choice, because you will see her often. It makes things awkward when you two were once good talking friends suddenly choose to ignore each other at work. So I guess my advice is to either suck it up and try to put the crush out of your head while maintaining a friendship, or cut off all contact and makes things awkward at work.
This is why you don't date coworkers.
I know a girl. This girl has an MO. She will go on a date with a guy. Maybe two. Be super affectionate. Nonstop touching, cuddling, very lovey. The guy will fall for her. On date two she tells them she only wants to be friends because her expectations are so insanely high, she just can't work up any interest in any guy ever. But she'll come on super strong at first for whatever neurotic reason.
She's been single as long as I've known her. 2 years now? Happened countless times.
A week.
Yeah, this is an extremely rapid cycle.
These people exists. So everyone saying "She wouldn't have invited you over if she didn't want blah blah blah". Well, you could be wrong. Because you are trying to apply logic to women.
Yeah... that's a rare case.
It's much more likely that the girl was looking for something physical (thus the cuddling on the first date) and was offended because the OP didn't take it any further. That's far more common.
Seriously. Grow up.
She put herself out there. You played along, but didn't push things for whatever reason. Then you put yourself out there, and she says she can't this one time, and you flip out and tell her you aren't interested anymore, period, end of discussion. Really?
If you weren't interested in the first place, the mature thing to do would've been to say no thanks to the initial invitation to go back and watch another movie. Or, if you're completely obtuse, once cuddling was initiated, made it clear to her that you aren't interested and that you feel uncomfortable with her being so physical with you.
We all know that you were interested, which is why you played along with her midnight show, and why you asked her to hang out again later. What we have here is a failure to communicate. She sent clear signals that you probably could've at least kissed her that night. You missed the opportunity. Oh well. She might have taken it as rejection, and reacted accordingly.
If you could step up and not be an emotional pansy, maybe you could get rid of all the clutter and actually, you know, start going out. Or at least you would know where you stand. Ask her out clearly. Tell her you are interested, and ask her when she's free. Give her a chance to say yes. If she flakes for whatever reason, then ask her again, and make it clear that she can say no if she isn't interested and your world won't end. If she says yes again, and flakes again, then chalk it up to real life getting in the way and move on.
What's with all this other crap you're whining about?
No, it was pretty shitty of him to do. It seemed like she only gave an excuse once, and really, it could have been legitimate. Now, if she did that two or three times, then I could see someone being like "forget it", but once? Come ON. People generally have lives that can't always be catered to yours, OP.
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In this case the best advice is to be open about their intentions. Fearing for their job in some kind of reprisal sounds like more just taking things to an extreme place. Again.
Do not engage the Watermelons.
But I will remember that next time.
As for the texting, I messaged her earlier this morning and said maybe we should hang out in a week or so, she said okay and hasn't said anything else all day, so I think it should be okay from here on out.
Alyce: she was already off work and said she just wanted to be by herself. I interpreted that as a total lack of interest. And often times I've been blown of once...and then again, and then again, I don't know about you but a lot of girls think that it's better to blow someone off than just tell them outright that you're not interested, so I was being preemptive as well.
You should have ended it right there. She was very clear about her intend; this isn't some girly nagging BS.
I've been in similar situation before and it can get very ugly. Rumors can spread like wildfire in the office. In fact there could already be rumors about both of you RIGHT NOW. Don't take it wrong thou. You feelings for each other is completely mutual, but unlike other crazy chick she got the sanity to say no because chances are it'll ruin both your careers.
You just have to respect what she wants at this time.
Office dating can get really really ugly if shit hits the fan. Unlike your other ex's you can't just dump her if the relationship is over. There's no place to hide if you work in the same floor every day and chances are you'll run into each other through Monday to Friday. It can get really awkward. However there's some crazy stats out there that states that 53% of couples meet at their workplace so it can't be that bad.
If you really desire to pursue this make sure you check on a few things:
1) Does your company allow co-workers to date? Some company have HR policies that are directly against this. Even if it isn't state clearly there still can be some unspoken code in the office about "dipping your pen in the company's ink". The best way to do this is to check on precedences. i.e. are there other co-workers currently or previously dating each other in the office. Also check if there's any conflict of interest.
2) Check if there's any other co-workers having an interest on your girl. People will sink to unfathomable, juvenile depths and will do anything... I mean ANYTHING to cock block you and put you in your places if you are messing around with their secret crush. In their perspective, they saw your girl first but didn't made a move because it's the whole co-worker thing. Suddenly you showed up and did the unthinkable and stole her right under their nose. They won't be civilized.
You just want to be on everyone's good side anyways so if anything happens your co-workers will have your back.
3) If 1) and 2) works out well... you can move on to part 3) . Talk to her about it and convince her to work something out. Play it smart and keep it under wrapped, especially from fellow nosy co-workers. Remember to always be professional at work. (no nookie at the supplies room or the empty board meeting room, no matter how tempting it is.) Try to bring the relationship outside the office and NEVER talk about work when you two are together. Also start looking for another job. Stuff like this tends to leak out eventually and the best thing to do is to move on to another job before then.
Good Luck Variant. Just remember if it doesn't work out, there's plenty of fishes in the sea...
Do not engage the Watermelons.
What if she was upset and wanted to be alone? What if she wasn't feeling like company, especially company she was interested in? What if she was having woman troubles? There's a number of reasons why that excuse wouldn't be bullshit.
I'm not trying to dwell on this, but your attitude is just confusing to me. You were interested in this girl, but the moment she shows interest, it almost seems like you are angry about this and looking to punish her or something.
Personally, I've had times when I just wanted to chill out by my self at home for a number of reasons. hell, her face could have broken out or something, and maybe she didn't wanna go out like that, she could have had cramps, or stomach issues. It's a valid reason for not wanting to go and do something with someone. I'm not attacking you here or anything, I'm just letting you know that maybe next time you should give the girl the benefit of the doubt the first time before you think it's bullshit. Just sayin'
but it seems like you already came to realize that, so that's cool!
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I had exactly the same kind of situation happen not too long ago except it wasnt a co worker and we actually fooled around and the next day it was like oh we need to talk ---lets just be friends.