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I don't know what's wrong with me.
Jcthulhu
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
And I don't know who I can turn to.
I'll be upfront, I hate myself, I think I'm ugly, stupid, and weak. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I cry in the shower but smile at strangers and acquaintances. I rarely approach people, they always approach me, I don't think I've ever made a friend on my own.
I have difficulty staying on task, I spend the vast majority of my time daydreaming, pretending I had gotten better grades in school, had been loved by my peers, had been a better son, had meant more to someone. I've done things I regret and I'm constantly lamenting over them, I rarely think about the future, only what could have been.
I'm 21 and I've never been in a relationship. I was closeted until I was 19 but never actively sought a partner after coming out, despite desperately wanting intimacy with someone. I avoid social situations, and will remain tethered to a close friend if I find myself in a large crowd. When I do go out, I beat myself up afterward “I should have said this or that, I should have smiled more, I should have spoken up”
I've been in the Navy for nine months. I thought it would be an excellent opportunity for personal growth but I don't feel any stronger. I'm still blending into the wall while pretending I'm someone worthwhile.
I haven't been happy in years, I really don't know what to do.
I'll be upfront, I hate myself, I think I'm ugly, stupid, and weak. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I cry in the shower but smile at strangers and acquaintances. I rarely approach people, they always approach me, I don't think I've ever made a friend on my own.
I have difficulty staying on task, I spend the vast majority of my time daydreaming, pretending I had gotten better grades in school, had been loved by my peers, had been a better son, had meant more to someone. I've done things I regret and I'm constantly lamenting over them, I rarely think about the future, only what could have been.
I'm 21 and I've never been in a relationship. I was closeted until I was 19 but never actively sought a partner after coming out, despite desperately wanting intimacy with someone. I avoid social situations, and will remain tethered to a close friend if I find myself in a large crowd. When I do go out, I beat myself up afterward “I should have said this or that, I should have smiled more, I should have spoken up”
I've been in the Navy for nine months. I thought it would be an excellent opportunity for personal growth but I don't feel any stronger. I'm still blending into the wall while pretending I'm someone worthwhile.
I haven't been happy in years, I really don't know what to do.
Jcthulhu on
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Second, there is no magic wand. When I was younger, High School age until mid twenties I battled with severe depression. I desperately wanted to be accepted, but didn't step outside my comfort zone unless forced. Fortunately for me I had a couple of really good friends that stood by me, but didn't cater to me. It forced me to mature a lot. Once I learned to look in the mirror and accept what I saw, it was a huge turning point.
No one will love you until you can accept and love yourself.
You can't change the past. Dwelling on it isn't helping. You need to learn from your mistakes and then set up a plan to do it differently next time unless you are going to build a time machine.
You should resolve to step outside your comfort zone at least once a day if possible. Comfort zones are the remnants of the boundaries that our parents set for us when we were children. It was meant to keep you safe as a child. You aren't a child anymore. Next time you go to a social event, make an effort to talk to one new person. Go up and introduce yourself to someone. Talk to them for a couple of minutes, just ask a question or two and let them do all the talking. This is a great execise to get you to do something new, talk to new people and possibly make a new friend. If you don't make a new friend, no big deal. Are you going to be on your death bed and look back on that time you are that one place and you talked to that one stranger and he wasn't interested.....probably not.
buy warhams
I'm assuming American Navy which, if that's the case, no it won't unless you're a genuine problems that can't be resolved and lead to you being a danger to others/unreliable for your job. People in intel are encouraged to see therapists when dealing dealing with problems like this.
That said, if you don't want to talk to a therapist, talk to a chaplain. And go to the MWR and see what events are going on that you can get in on. It'll get you outside with other people and might even get you in contact with other gay service members, and they can be found by anyone patient, friendly, and open, who are also possibly dealing with similar issues but more importantly are people you can be yourself around.
That plus c) you can and will feel better.
Talk to a counsellor, see a doctor, find a support group, etc. as suggested above.
I would think about what you're interested in and invest your free time into mastering it. Hobbies can be a really excellent self esteem booster - being good at a sport, or playing an instrument, or knowing a lot about a certain topic (I love having friends interested in plants and animals). They are also great conversation starters/topics to talk about when hanging out with other people.
I would strive to learn something new every day - that also allows you to share it with others.
Don't expect your environment to magicaly transform you into a better version of yourself, true change is the result of a personal decision to be diferent.
Hope this helps and just remember you are not alone with this. Just find a way to vent or talk to someone who is outside your job.
Best,
RM
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
I was Very similar to you when I was 19. I was a young gay man who hated myself, faked what ever I had to fake to make friends and basically felt like I was fail at life. I too enlisted, Army for me. At the time, I thought it was the best thing for me. It would help me to develop into a better, stronger person. The truth was, at that time, I hated it. I wanted nothing more than to get out of the military and get away from it all. It was tough as hell. Now, looking back, it was actually quite good for me. The root of my problems back then, and all the way up to that point in time was, I had an undiagnosed mental disorder. I have bipolar-mixed. It leads to deep depressions and euphoric highs. You sound like you're just depressed, and quite severely at that. Just know that there are a lot of people who really do like you. Hell they approch You!. You can get help. I'd suggest seeking an outside counciler. Try to talk to a psychiatrist first, to get on medication, and then a therapist to get help. YOu can get these services through the military. I currently get all of my mental health coverage/meds via the VA. If you pursue this via the Navy, make sure you do Not come out. You can have mental health issues and be a functioning, valuable asset, you can not be a gay asset though.
Just try to be strong and know that there are people who care, and that you too can get through it.
I think you're crazy.
...
CRAZY AWESOME.
Seriously, when it comes down to it, only telling yourself something like this and believing in it will change your outcome. Wishing you did better, said something better, or whatnot is something we all do, regardless of situation, education, gender, or sexual preference. We all have regrets and worries and feel like nothing more than furniture in the rooms we hang out with our friends in. And are they our friends at all? Are they just people who happen to tolerate me? What if they hate me? What if none of them know who I am. What if they are just pretending to like me... etc etc.
We all have this. The trick is getting over it. Super secret that no one tells you: You are what you think you are, whatever you think you are. If you think you are meek and worthless, then you will be. Conversely, if you want to be more confidant, self assured, extroverted? Then do so. Pretend as hard as you can as often as you can, and before too long you will be that way regardless of if you are pretending. No one is born extroverted or introverted, we grow into it. But just as we grow into it, we can grow out of it.
I think you'll find that, deep down, everyone around you feels the exact same things you do in their own way. The only difference is if they let themselves be crushed by these insecurities, or choose to fight them tooth and nail until they master them. I had to do the same thing when I was younger. I got over my worries by telling myself over and over: "Who cares if they think I'm strange, weird, or crazy...
...because they're right. I'm Crazy Awesome!"
But whatever it is, yes: you definitely have to talk to a professional about this. It sounds like you've been suffering for a long time, and I think if this was something that was going to go away on its own it would have by now. If I'm right, your reflex will be to blame yourself for the way you're feeling, and then punish yourself for the choices you've made. The reality is that nobody would choose to live with these feelings if they could help it. Your challenge now is to admit to yourself what lots of people in this thread can already tell, which is that you need, and deserve, real help. That will be hard for you to do because of your self-critical pattern. But you need someone else who you can trust and who can undermind these unrealistic negative beliefs you have about yourself.
I'm still not exactly sure how to go about seeing a therapist though, two people in my barracks went to medical for psychiatric help and ended up getting discharged, although I don't know the details.
If they were discharged it was either because they wanted to be or they had serious problems that meant they couldn't do their job. If you really do want to get therapy you can either go to medical or the chaplain.
Do you get personal time? If so best way to find someone who will keep patient confidentiality
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
You are very young. You have a very long time to figure things out.
You also aren't facing a choice between the navy and home - save your active duty money, work out like a fanatic, and learn your job and when your enlistment ends you should have money for a car, some kind of place, and the basis for a job. Hell, buy a small rv or a van with a bed in it when you get out, drive around, and find a place for yourself.
You've got a long time in the world, and there's a lot of great world.
I host a podcast about movies.
Secondly, I had a relationship issue that affected me and all around my home town, memories of that person would crop up. I was lucky enough to get a new role at work that involved travelling to new countries. This scared me to death at first (if you search my posts on H/A you might see some old ones about it) but anyways, it got me into meeting new people and being much more outgoing. 4 years later, things are so much different, because I really tried to concentrate on doing the things I thought I was bad at (i.e. making conversation, eye contact, and just general interaction with strangers)
After my relationship broke down, I was constantly self reflecting on what I did wrong and how turning the clock back would be the best thing ever. I was really choked about it for at least a year, and couldn't get the past out of my head. Once I changed my job... after 18 months of travelling, I ended up meeting a girl who lived on the other side of the world. 2 years later, she is living with me having moved over, and I am happy. I often think about the way I was before (always looking back) and I realise how self destructive it was. You have to break that cycle by totally changing your viewpoint, which is a difficult thing to do, but you have to do it!
I read your first sentence, and I see that you think you are ugly, stupid, and weak.. That's a pretty harsh self assessment, but these are all things that are in your control to change. At the basic level, change your hairstyle, get new clothes, try new styles... If you think you are stupid, why do you think that? What things do you consider yourself bad at? Get some books, use the internet, *learn* things... Drive yourself to investigate the things you don't feel good at, and learn more... If you think you are physically weak - research gym regimes, and start to work out. Don't feel self concious about the gym. Just think about what you want to do, get yourself in shape, you'll feel physically better, you'll feel good about yourself... Channel your negative thoughts into working out, use feeling bad as a fuel... If I'm feeling down or annoyed or angry, I try and take that with me and run really hard to get rid of it... it's a win-win situation for you.
I'd have to file a special request to go anywhere on my own, and only on the weekends. I'm in training at the moment, if I miss class I'll get set back.
I'll just see what medical can do.
Next time you catch yourself putting yourself down, try to make an effort to end it right then and there. I've been depressed and I have been to therapy and medicated for it n the past. The best thing you can ever do is STRIVE STRIVE STRIVE to think positive. Sometimes what would help the most is going out for a run or some other exercise. Vent those feelings into something positive. But please, try and find someone you can talk to about these things.
I don't know you and I likely never will, but I hate this for you and hope you get to feeling better very soon.
edit: And their ain't nothing wrong with you to answer the question. You just have a big challenge ahead of you.
FC, I've been stationed in great lakes since July.
I won't lie, this command has only made matters worse. Having to juggle between whatever mass punishments they've cooked up at school and the barracks is taxing.
When you finish your term there and move on you will see that commands greatly improve in almost all respects.
If nothing else you have something to look forward to and getting help for your problems will be a lot easier with a better command.
One thing that helped me was to remember that no matter what base I ended up at, I would at least have 1 thing in common with everyone else there: we're in the Navy. That's a place to start when meeting new people in the Navy, common complaining if nothing else :P