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Compassion for family (that don't deserve it)
CindyLouWho?
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Apologies in advance, this question requires a bit of backstory.
My Dad and stepmom met when I was 5 or 6 and have been together ever since. She never made it a secret that she hated me and my Mom. She didn't want my Dad to have anything to do with me...and for the most part she's succeeded for the past 20+ years. I lived with them for 3 years which was utter hell. My Dad missed all of my games, recitals, plays, concerts, even my college graduation because of her.
I moved far far far away from home a few years ago and my Dad, I think, has come to the realization that there's a good chance that I'm never coming back and he's only going to be able to see me maybe for one or two days once a year. In that realization, he's been trying to get more connected to me...email, texting, FB, twitter, skyping, etc.
Fast forward to today...He sends me an email detailing my stepmom's recent battle with depression and anxiety. He wants me to talk to her or text her more often because "She loves you like a daughter and really loves hearing from you" and he thinks it will help lift her spirits.
I myself have dealt with depression and social anxiety for most of the last 10 years....largely on my own. I didn't have family doting over me, friends calling to make sure I was OK, nothing. I locked myself in my room for almost 2 years coming out only to eat and go to work. My Dad certainly never made any effort to let me know I was important to him during the worst of it or that I was loved or cared about... Yet he wants ME to be there for his wife.
I know when I was in my worst times, having something as simple as a text from a friend or a loved one telling me they loved me and missed me would have meant the world to me. I remember just praying for someone to notice what I was going through... and now this horrible woman who has all but destroyed the bond between my Dad and his ONLY child needs that same care... and I don't know if I can do it. I resent this woman so much that I just want to tell my dad to take a flying leap and take her with him. But again... I know how she feels right now, I know how much it hurts, and I know that sometimes just one tiny "I care about you" can make the biggest difference. I wished and prayed for someone to care about me when I was going through it...and now I could give what I never had to someone else feeling that way...but my disdain for her and all the bad blood makes it feel impossible to show her compassion.
I know my Dad would be lost without her and that's the only thing that is making me feel bad about the situation as a whole. I know I should care and show the kindness that I wish I would have been given...but I'm not sure I can.
TLDR; Stepmom who destroyed my relationship with my Dad is now dealing with deep depression and anxiety. Having gone through the same, I know the power kindness and support could have on her situation, but my resentment and hate for her is baring me from actually wanting to help or show her any compassion.
I know there's not a specific question...but I don't know how to deal with my hate for her but my love for my Dad. I want to do right by him and help be supportive of her, but I feel like she deserves to fester in the same lonely miserable pit I was left in for almost a decade. I know I would have wanted to be treated with kindness and compassion, but got none...so I feel like maybe I should be the better person and show her what I was denied. I don't know.
My Dad and stepmom met when I was 5 or 6 and have been together ever since. She never made it a secret that she hated me and my Mom. She didn't want my Dad to have anything to do with me...and for the most part she's succeeded for the past 20+ years. I lived with them for 3 years which was utter hell. My Dad missed all of my games, recitals, plays, concerts, even my college graduation because of her.
I moved far far far away from home a few years ago and my Dad, I think, has come to the realization that there's a good chance that I'm never coming back and he's only going to be able to see me maybe for one or two days once a year. In that realization, he's been trying to get more connected to me...email, texting, FB, twitter, skyping, etc.
Fast forward to today...He sends me an email detailing my stepmom's recent battle with depression and anxiety. He wants me to talk to her or text her more often because "She loves you like a daughter and really loves hearing from you" and he thinks it will help lift her spirits.
I myself have dealt with depression and social anxiety for most of the last 10 years....largely on my own. I didn't have family doting over me, friends calling to make sure I was OK, nothing. I locked myself in my room for almost 2 years coming out only to eat and go to work. My Dad certainly never made any effort to let me know I was important to him during the worst of it or that I was loved or cared about... Yet he wants ME to be there for his wife.
I know when I was in my worst times, having something as simple as a text from a friend or a loved one telling me they loved me and missed me would have meant the world to me. I remember just praying for someone to notice what I was going through... and now this horrible woman who has all but destroyed the bond between my Dad and his ONLY child needs that same care... and I don't know if I can do it. I resent this woman so much that I just want to tell my dad to take a flying leap and take her with him. But again... I know how she feels right now, I know how much it hurts, and I know that sometimes just one tiny "I care about you" can make the biggest difference. I wished and prayed for someone to care about me when I was going through it...and now I could give what I never had to someone else feeling that way...but my disdain for her and all the bad blood makes it feel impossible to show her compassion.
I know my Dad would be lost without her and that's the only thing that is making me feel bad about the situation as a whole. I know I should care and show the kindness that I wish I would have been given...but I'm not sure I can.
TLDR; Stepmom who destroyed my relationship with my Dad is now dealing with deep depression and anxiety. Having gone through the same, I know the power kindness and support could have on her situation, but my resentment and hate for her is baring me from actually wanting to help or show her any compassion.
I know there's not a specific question...but I don't know how to deal with my hate for her but my love for my Dad. I want to do right by him and help be supportive of her, but I feel like she deserves to fester in the same lonely miserable pit I was left in for almost a decade. I know I would have wanted to be treated with kindness and compassion, but got none...so I feel like maybe I should be the better person and show her what I was denied. I don't know.
CindyLouWho? on
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She's pretty clear that she left because of this:
Which I would call her father destroying their relationship well before she moved.
I understand how difficult a situation like this can be. The temptation to say "get the fuck over it, I did, no thanks to you" is overwhelming.
You could simply say to her, "Hang in there. It's tough, but you can get through it. I know, I've been there myself." You don't need to fake any positive emotions towards her.
Agreed.
I would explain to your Dad politely that you don't feel comfortable talking with your stepmother about these issues as you've never connected on a personal level with her. And maybe in the future you'll be more connected to your Dad and then you can hash out the issues you had growing up, but I don't think it would help anyone to lay blame (no matter how much they deserve it or don't)
And I do want to tell him to fuck right off...but the past 2 years that I've been gone he's actually made that effort to be in better contact with me...and honestly it has meant a lot. It's fucked up and fodder for an ENTIRELY different thread, but despite what a dumbass he is, I do love my Father. I've gone to therapy, I've dealt with a lot of shit, granted, yes, there's still a lot of ill will harbored towards my step-mom.
Caramel, that's the road I feel like I should be taking, but it makes me so angry that I just want to spit. I know it would have meant the world to me if my Dad (or anyone I knew) had taken an interest in helping me get better when I was at my lowest.
I like that statement though, shows some thought, but it's not overly engaging.
Additionally, you know that the abrasive nature of the relationship is going to erode what relationship you have with your dad. So in the interests of keeping things civil with your father, don't talk to her. If your dad can't accept that you're not talking to her, then that's his problem.
Well, I probably wouldn't tell him that he could shove it. I would, however, calmly explain to him that he failed to show even a little bit of the compassion for you over many, many years in your depression (at her behest, no less) that he is asking asking you show her now. I would also be honest and say that you're pretty hurt that he shows this much more concern for an emotional hiccup in her life when he ignored the entirety of his own daughter's because this same woman showed you nothing but disdain, so no, you do not want to call her or talk to her ever.
I will also point out that I am honest with my feelings to quite a fault, and my tendency to say what I feel is not always the most diplomatic way of going about things.
For God's sake, he couldn't even CALL you to talk about this. He EMAILED you. Lost without her, still can't pick up the phone for you. You actually have the option of waiting for him to call and saying "Whoops, must not have gotten that one. What's new, Dad?"
I mean, you don't need to go to her house to point at her and laugh because she's sad, but you are also under no obligation to make small talk with a woman who made your life miserable.
I'm with Caramel G.
Cindi, you said before that a little gesture in a time of need can mean a lot. You've been there, you know how horrible a place it is, why not help shine some light in her dark days?
Just wanted to chime in and say that I could not disagree more with these two posts.
Probably better to pretend you didn't get the email, IMO.
Yep. Sorry, but while people do change, its very slowly over a long period of time. To me this is more like, "Wow, hey, I'm feeling really down. Know what'd make me feel better? Kicking a puppy."
If you really love your Dad, do it for him. Not sending her a 'How've ya been?
Do what makes you happy. they're far enough away where the mother can't make you miserable, but you only get one family.
actually some of us get two or more, so dropping the bad ones isn't too bad an option
Total agreement with limed comment.
You don't owe this woman a relationship. Nobody "owes" anybody love, especially when they've been sowing dischord and shit for this long. It's perfectly within your rights to see if you can salvage a relationship with your dad and not seek to pursue one with your stepmother. Send him this email.
She doesn't owe anyone anything, but at her discretion she could exercise compassion.
A few phone calls wouldn't hurt.
If the stepmother is still rejecting and hurtful, the OP should not continue to make contact, but there is an opportunity for reconciliation here.
Why exactly should she want to reconcile with her stepmother? Why open the door on bad memories and possibly new and more exciting forms of painful emotional torture?
It really is OK to say "I realize that you're related to me but no, I don't want anything to do with you."
There you go, it might even help her stepmother out of the depression and anxiety she's in now by accepting responsibility for her past actions and moving towards healing.
True, in which case the OP would have to tell her Dad that she was willing to recieve a phone call from her stepmother (otherwise the stepmother won't know her call will be answered)
Then after hearing from him sparsely for months she gets a lovely message about how awful she is, what a fuck up she is, how she'll never do anything with herself, how she is a disgrace to the lord (which really upset her because she is religious) and more. She wishes she never let him back into her life in the first place because going through it all over again after putting it behind her is incredibly painful.
1) Tell your dad exactly how you feel, and how completely absurd it is that he expects you to take emotionally painful steps to support a person who has shown you nothing but disdain and irrepairably damaged your relationship to your family.
2) Because you're NOT a small, petty, vindictive bitch - do it anyway.
I'd leave it unsaid that #2 is what distinguishes you from the horrible person he's asking you to help, though.
This is probably the most responsible course of action.
Normally I think that VoC offers good advice, however the OP sticking her head in the sand will not be of service to her in this matter.
And to be frank, sometimes an apology (even if it is sincere) isn't enough to be able to move-on and have any kind of relationship with that person.