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We're Taking a Break (Girl Thread)
D.T.
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
My girlfriend of 21 months made the decision that she needed a break from our relationship a little less than three weeks ago. I've been unemployed for three months, and the job search (along with a couple of false starts at potential jobs) left me pretty discouraged. She's extremely goal-oriented and always thinking of the future, and she decided that the pressure and responsibility of dealing with me ("taking care of me" as she put it) was too much, and she needed to separate for an undetermined amount of time. We're staying faithful to each other, and not dating anyone at all until we decide whether or not we can work as a couple.
She wanted the break to be about us doing our own thing, and being independent for a while. I mistook this (whether accidentally, or on purpose subconsciously, I don't know) as being that we were going to work on our personal issues and come back together somewhere down the road.
My focuses have been busting my ass to find a job, become self-sufficient and independent, and working on my emotions (one thing we agreed on was that I am a great, attentive and loving boyfriend -- basically, I'm good at the emotional stuff. But I'm not good at the "partner" aspects of the relationship; IE: setting goals, contributing in tangible ways), and finding a balance between my emotions and getting things done like an adult. She needs both of these things in a boyfriend.
I've been working really hard to better myself, and even going so far as to seeing a counselor once a week. After a really good, constructive session, I texted my girl and asked her if she wanted to meet up. I wanted to tell her all the progress I've made, and I wanted to know what she had been working on. When we met up, she told me that all the objectives she had set for herself were about her job and things she personally wanted to do -- nothing at all to do with the relationship. She said that I misunderstood the point of the break, and that I shouldn't be doing all of this for her or for the relationship, but for myself.
The conversation got heated from there. She told me that while I've been suffering without her and still trying to work hard to better myself, the past weeks have been fun and liberating for her. She said that a burden had been lifted, and she has more energy than she's had in a long time. That she needed to be "selfish" for the time being and focus on her.
I asked her if she was over us, and if she still loved me. She was hesitant, and said that she still loves and cares for me, but her love has changed. She's not in love with me in the romantic sense right now. This floored me. And yet, we're still not defining the relationship in absolutes. She believes that people can fall back in love, and we need time apart. She says it's not a decision she can make right away, but she does want to check in on our relationship and see if we can work somewhere down the road.
I realize this is already incredibly long.
I've accepted the idea that she thinks she's not in love with me because her heart isn't currently in the relationship. I relied on her a lot for the past few months, and she deserves some time on her own to be selfish -- I was selfish for a while, myself, so I understand how the break can be liberating.
What I can't figure out is how to focus on my personal goals without thinking of getting back together with her as my superobjective. Furthermore, I can't stop thinking about her, wondering what she's up to, and generally just wanting to talk to her. If we have a conversation over text or the phone, I feel closer to normal, but if we go a day or so without talking, I start to get anxious, lonely and my mind starts going a mile a minute. I'm very much in love with her, and not getting that love returned and not being with her because I dropped the ball for a few months feels excessive.
And how will we know when it's time to end the break and try again? Not having her in my life every day is painful, and not knowing when it will end is eating at me. And how does taking time away from each other help the issues with our relationship? What if this time away causes us to grow even farther apart, when we could be using this time to strengthen our relationship as a team?
Has anyone been through a break in a relationship? How did you deal with feelings of just having broken up with the person you love in a pseudo-break-up situation? When did you know it was right to approach the person about trying the relationship again?
She wanted the break to be about us doing our own thing, and being independent for a while. I mistook this (whether accidentally, or on purpose subconsciously, I don't know) as being that we were going to work on our personal issues and come back together somewhere down the road.
My focuses have been busting my ass to find a job, become self-sufficient and independent, and working on my emotions (one thing we agreed on was that I am a great, attentive and loving boyfriend -- basically, I'm good at the emotional stuff. But I'm not good at the "partner" aspects of the relationship; IE: setting goals, contributing in tangible ways), and finding a balance between my emotions and getting things done like an adult. She needs both of these things in a boyfriend.
I've been working really hard to better myself, and even going so far as to seeing a counselor once a week. After a really good, constructive session, I texted my girl and asked her if she wanted to meet up. I wanted to tell her all the progress I've made, and I wanted to know what she had been working on. When we met up, she told me that all the objectives she had set for herself were about her job and things she personally wanted to do -- nothing at all to do with the relationship. She said that I misunderstood the point of the break, and that I shouldn't be doing all of this for her or for the relationship, but for myself.
The conversation got heated from there. She told me that while I've been suffering without her and still trying to work hard to better myself, the past weeks have been fun and liberating for her. She said that a burden had been lifted, and she has more energy than she's had in a long time. That she needed to be "selfish" for the time being and focus on her.
I asked her if she was over us, and if she still loved me. She was hesitant, and said that she still loves and cares for me, but her love has changed. She's not in love with me in the romantic sense right now. This floored me. And yet, we're still not defining the relationship in absolutes. She believes that people can fall back in love, and we need time apart. She says it's not a decision she can make right away, but she does want to check in on our relationship and see if we can work somewhere down the road.
I realize this is already incredibly long.
I've accepted the idea that she thinks she's not in love with me because her heart isn't currently in the relationship. I relied on her a lot for the past few months, and she deserves some time on her own to be selfish -- I was selfish for a while, myself, so I understand how the break can be liberating.
What I can't figure out is how to focus on my personal goals without thinking of getting back together with her as my superobjective. Furthermore, I can't stop thinking about her, wondering what she's up to, and generally just wanting to talk to her. If we have a conversation over text or the phone, I feel closer to normal, but if we go a day or so without talking, I start to get anxious, lonely and my mind starts going a mile a minute. I'm very much in love with her, and not getting that love returned and not being with her because I dropped the ball for a few months feels excessive.
And how will we know when it's time to end the break and try again? Not having her in my life every day is painful, and not knowing when it will end is eating at me. And how does taking time away from each other help the issues with our relationship? What if this time away causes us to grow even farther apart, when we could be using this time to strengthen our relationship as a team?
Has anyone been through a break in a relationship? How did you deal with feelings of just having broken up with the person you love in a pseudo-break-up situation? When did you know it was right to approach the person about trying the relationship again?
D.T. on
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When you can live without her, then you'll really know if you want to.
GT: Tanky the Tank
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You could probably win her back by acting like you don't care and somehow getting a job as an investment banker making 201k a year but at that point would you really want to?
So basically my advice is either:
fake it till you make it
or
let her go.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Yeah, I second this. My advice never seems sound, but from the post you made, it seemed to me like you were overly dependent on her, which is bad.
Yeah, I was going to lime this one too. I'm thinking it's pretty over, but you sound like you're making steps that'll help you through it.
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You have been dumped.
The good news is that life goes on.
I also agree that you should not allow yourself to be so dependent on relationship partners.
PSN Hypacia
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Discord Hypacia#0391
This is a shitty way to break up with people who haven't done more dating, because it's not always clear. She is going to want to hit you up for emotional support later on, and she will be able to use the fact that you didn't get the clean resolution you needed to take advantage of you emotionally. Do what Thanatos said, cut her out of your life for a year or two, completely. You're not going to be able to interact with her in a non-emotionally biased manner until you are completely over her. In the mean time, she will almost certainly try to use you as an emotional crutch. This is simply something people often do at this age.
And don't take her back when you get your shit together.
She basically abandoned you when you were in a rough time because it was affecting her as well. She basically left you alone in a time of need.
She'll do it again if you take her back when things are hunkey dorey.
And as mentioned above, If she contacts you for "cuddles" or "a shoulder to cry on" or whatever emotional assistance she needs, don't respond to her, because she's trying to use you.
+1
Shit is not cash when she says she wants to keep you as option "for later on", as if you're some kind of back up.
Not cool, you're not her toy.
How this didn't set off warning bells in your head, I have no idea.
Pretty much what everyone has said. Cut off all contact with her.
p.s. it seems like you have some fledgling co-dependence issues and possibly a little self-esteem damage. Most of us have these to a point, but it'd be a good thing to work on during your self-improvement because a little can quickly grow into a full-on problem. Bottom line is, if you need someone near you to enjoy life it's time to start thinking why that's the case.
This isn't necessarily true. Plenty of people feel liberated after they get out of straining relationships, even if they stay single. This particular relationship lasted almost two years, so she's probably just enjoying being single because it can feel liberating.
This.
ALSO. You seem to sell yourself incredibly short and you're going to end up with some bad relationships if you don't get your ass in gear.
At this rate, everytime something goes wrong I can see you taking it as your fault. You must've done this wrong, not paid enough attention here. In addition, whenever she does something that most people wouldn't stand for I can see you standing off going "Okay, she deserves that" or "I'll let her sleep with a guy because it's true, I haven't been pleasing her recently."
Come on.
Tofu wrote: Here be Littleboots, destroyer of threads and master of drunkposting.
This isn't a break. It's clearly a break-up. She's just not willing to be honest about it with you about the end of the relationship. Regardless of whether or not she and you agreed to a break, it's obvious that it's gone well beyond that, in her view. And you need to deal with that.
Having been through a divorce and several long-term relationships that ended with break-ups, the best advice I can give you is to stay busy. Find things to do, whether it's going to the gym, volunteering, or hanging out with your friends. Doing nothing is the enemy. That's when the self-doubt, depressive thoughts and loneliness kick in.
Look at this as a great opportunity to figure out your life and eventually find someone more compatible with you. From what you've said, you two had very different views of how to conduct yourself in life. While that's not always bad, it appears that in this case it was just a bad fit for her (and I think you'll find that when you look back on this later, you'll see it was also a bad fit for you - particularly because when life got tough, she was willing to walk away).
I know is probable that you're going to come back to this thread and say we're wrong, it really isn't over, and that it is just a break. But, it really is. You can live a lie thinking that it isn't, thinking that this woman and you are meant to be, that if only given time that it will work. Most of us have been right where you are now (maybe not jobless too but in a similar relationship situation), and have thought those things. In the end, you end up being her pawn that she moves around, keeping you at just the right distance to be there when she needs you but to not be there when you need her.
It really is over. Cry. Drink with friends (don't drink alone and don't drive anywhere). Take your time figuring out how you can be an independent person that is happy and confident with being himself and not relying on others for your self-esteem. And stay busy.
/me echos just about everything else in this thread.
For me, getting away from my last trainwreck of a relationship consisted of deleting her number, blocking facebook and burning our pictures/letters/so on. It was damn hard to do but the next day I felt good knowing that I could not run back to her in a moment of weakness.
I made the huge mistake of keeping in touch with an ex fiance' once... we had been around each other so long, it seemed we should be friends...let me tell you, that it was nothing but a year of having my heart ripped out every time he told me about all the things he was going out to do people he was seeing, and basically how great his life was ... without me.
You do yourself no favors hanging on to someone that just wants you waiting in the corner for when she's done playing with her new toys.
To me, the only real way I could move on was when I finally accepted that me and the girl would never get back together. Deleting the numbers, not reading emails, etc. all work to reach this point quicker. If you have mutual friends, it's probably a good idea to evaluate your friendship with them, as well.
Think of it as a gunshot. There is no point in sewing up the wound and trying to heal when you still have shrapnel inside. All it does is get infected and become something ugly.
Remove the shrapnel and heal your wounds. And remember, EVERYONE goes through this at some point.
Look, if I punch you repeatedly and say "I'm not punching you" each time I do it, it doesn't mean I'm not punching you. It means I'm trying to get away with it. She told you she wanted a break, she wanted to focus on her job and not have any responsibilities with you. What makes you think she's now going to suddenly think everything is better?
When normal people in healthy relationships have something bad go down, their bond becomes tighter and they work together to solve the problem. Think of it this way -- you're in the woods with her and suddenly a bear surprises you. What you should do is work together. What she did was trip you and run off, leaving you as bear food.
Wait what? That isn't how they treat gunshot wounds at all.
For the sake of the metaphor, assume it is. :P
She's hedging her bets. This whole "take a break" thing is a side-bet in case she's not as happy outside the relationship as she was in it. Obviously, it's working out for her.
She's trying to leave you on the hook emotionally for her while she is probably not thinking or giving a crap about you or your life.
I'm sure you have very real feelings for this girl, but as an outside observer it's a pretty fucked-up thing for her to do. She really wasn't kidding when she said she was going to be selfish. I'm really sorry man
Be true to yourself. You don't want to marry somebody who would divorce you when things get tough.
This is a person who is driven by her own selfish needs and desires.
I agree with what everyone else has said. You won't be able to remove her from your thoughts, but you need to physically remove all other aspects of her from your life and try to move on as best you can.
You might want to make the relationship work. But she can't even be bothered with it. That is insulting to you. And you have the right to feel angry about it.
Go call up your friends that you haven't seen for two years tell them what happened. They will be there for you, because she is too lazy and too selfish to care. You can then go out and get drunk and do all the things that she hated you doing. (I know this is ridiculously petty, but in all honestly it works) Also if you want the ultimate it pointless revenge be the first person to say you aren't in a relationship anymore in facebook.
Satans..... hints.....