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I b a depressed WeTodded?
Wontgetcaught
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, this could be a long post, but here goes.
I may be retarded. Or mentally challenged, or whatever. Here's why I think so:
Now, this little conundrum may be all in my head, and systemic of something I have been MORE concerned with in recent weeks.
Could I be depressed?
I may be retarded. Or mentally challenged, or whatever. Here's why I think so:
It takes me awhile to learn how to do things.
As a very young child I remember doctors docting about underdeveloped arms and extremities, and possibly some fubaring of my fine motor skills.
For example, my Thumb tends to twitch when I try and place it inward to my palm, so I have a lack of control, there. Also three people have thought I was "Special" until I told them otherwise.
Also, when I asked my mother about this particular issue, she is mum on the point. She has mentioned that she needed an emergency C section, due to a lack of oxygen during birth. However she claims they got me out in the nick of time.
Upon graduation from high school records I learned I had an IEP, due to said motor skills. And in early -grades was in special classes with people with down syndrome and the like. In addition I had a non descending Testicle in 2nd grade, and at 23, my voice has not changed pitch. I sound like a 12 year old girl.
So, I guess what I'm curious about here is, what do I do from here? I mean, I don't know if going to my doctor and him saying "Well, you're a step behind everyone else, but it's no biggie" will get me anywhere other than sort of massaging my fucked up Pysche.
I'm curious if it may be aspbergers or something like that - especially because I'm particularly terrible at things like facial cues, picking up on social situations, and with Volume control.
I'm fuckin' loud.
As a very young child I remember doctors docting about underdeveloped arms and extremities, and possibly some fubaring of my fine motor skills.
For example, my Thumb tends to twitch when I try and place it inward to my palm, so I have a lack of control, there. Also three people have thought I was "Special" until I told them otherwise.
Also, when I asked my mother about this particular issue, she is mum on the point. She has mentioned that she needed an emergency C section, due to a lack of oxygen during birth. However she claims they got me out in the nick of time.
Upon graduation from high school records I learned I had an IEP, due to said motor skills. And in early -grades was in special classes with people with down syndrome and the like. In addition I had a non descending Testicle in 2nd grade, and at 23, my voice has not changed pitch. I sound like a 12 year old girl.
So, I guess what I'm curious about here is, what do I do from here? I mean, I don't know if going to my doctor and him saying "Well, you're a step behind everyone else, but it's no biggie" will get me anywhere other than sort of massaging my fucked up Pysche.
I'm curious if it may be aspbergers or something like that - especially because I'm particularly terrible at things like facial cues, picking up on social situations, and with Volume control.
I'm fuckin' loud.
Now, this little conundrum may be all in my head, and systemic of something I have been MORE concerned with in recent weeks.
Could I be depressed?
Here's why I think this. Growing up my family was not super huge on medical care. Yearly Checkup, but in my life I've never had a prescription for anything, ever.
I have a terrific problem paying attention to detail, or concentrating. For example I popped away from this post TWICE since starting it. Once to check Bit Torrent, and another to check my prior posts to see if I already made this thread (which I sort of did).
Also, I go through these funks, especially on Friday's where I LITERALLY do not leave my couch except to go to the store, pick up junk food, come back, smoke pot, and play video games. I'm not shafting responsiblities, just every time I make that kind of shitty walk to my local Seven Eleven for Dorritos and Creamy Ranch Dip, I kind of want to kick myself in the head.
Also, I have difficulty maintaining tidyness. My apartment is a pretty terrible mess, and I really don't care except for when company comes over. The dishes in my sink have been there for weeks. I just use Paper plates because I feel my time would be better served else where.
The big one recently is my sort of self sabotaging work habit. I work from home, and do my job marginally well, but routinely forget things like sending out an e-mail, remembering a specific serial number, and worse, I have trouble with rage.
When I'm at work, I answer the phone about 30-40 times a day. As the day goes on, every subsequent ring annoys me more and more, to the point where I'm LITERALLY spazzing out and cursing at the phone in a very loud volume. Everyone on my floor surely thinks I'm insane.
This is the only time in my day to day life where I express anger outwardly with screaming. Otherwise I'm typically passive aggressive, electing to go with the flow versus start a conflict. For example, when apartment hunting one of my room mates to be pulls out his down payment because he wants a place with CENTRAL FUCKING AIR. Now, I have to go along with this because our other room mate would be fucked in the ass without a place to live if I didn't go along with this. So versus balking at this sudden change of plans, I go with it, and spend most of today explaining how I want to feed flip-flopping room mate to be, to a dog.
All the while smiling Politely at him in person.
Lastly, I'm not particularly happy with myself. I'm fat, but would rather be lazy than work out every day. For example I'll work out for two weeks, then either give up, or a scheduling conflict will change up my day to day routine. So versus picking another day to work out, go for walks, etc, I just give up until I get fed up again, and the cycle repeats.
I also have a 3.77 GPA and can not be more fed up with my school and work, the pressure of college loans and being able to pay for my last year of school is weighing down on me, and lots of days I sort of want to say fuck it, skip class, and just bang on the drum all day, so to speak. I see every person I know that's an asshole, or forceful, or dicks to people getting everything they want. Girls, jobs, success, friends, and here I am, trying to be a good person, and I"m getting fucked in the ass.
I don't know if depression runs in my family, but here's a brief history.
My Grandfather on my Dad's side commited suicide when he was 13. My dad grew up surrounded by sisters and married my Mom. I think he's kind of fucked up too.
One day, at a camp fire, he started chasing a friend of mine (whose also fucked up), trying to french kiss him, exclaiming he "Just wants to feel it".
There are more examples I can list, and questions I can answer, but the fact remains I feel like I should be happier and more productive than I am, and I feel like this pretty much every day.
The worst part about this entire thing is that I feel like a little bitch. I want to get up and run a mile a day. I want to clean up my sink and keep it that way, and I Just don't. I hate complaining about this sort of thing when the solution seems to be "Get up off your ass, D-bag, people have REAL problems". So I dunno, maybe that's the case.
and Yes, I've made to do lists. No help.
I have a terrific problem paying attention to detail, or concentrating. For example I popped away from this post TWICE since starting it. Once to check Bit Torrent, and another to check my prior posts to see if I already made this thread (which I sort of did).
Also, I go through these funks, especially on Friday's where I LITERALLY do not leave my couch except to go to the store, pick up junk food, come back, smoke pot, and play video games. I'm not shafting responsiblities, just every time I make that kind of shitty walk to my local Seven Eleven for Dorritos and Creamy Ranch Dip, I kind of want to kick myself in the head.
Also, I have difficulty maintaining tidyness. My apartment is a pretty terrible mess, and I really don't care except for when company comes over. The dishes in my sink have been there for weeks. I just use Paper plates because I feel my time would be better served else where.
The big one recently is my sort of self sabotaging work habit. I work from home, and do my job marginally well, but routinely forget things like sending out an e-mail, remembering a specific serial number, and worse, I have trouble with rage.
When I'm at work, I answer the phone about 30-40 times a day. As the day goes on, every subsequent ring annoys me more and more, to the point where I'm LITERALLY spazzing out and cursing at the phone in a very loud volume. Everyone on my floor surely thinks I'm insane.
This is the only time in my day to day life where I express anger outwardly with screaming. Otherwise I'm typically passive aggressive, electing to go with the flow versus start a conflict. For example, when apartment hunting one of my room mates to be pulls out his down payment because he wants a place with CENTRAL FUCKING AIR. Now, I have to go along with this because our other room mate would be fucked in the ass without a place to live if I didn't go along with this. So versus balking at this sudden change of plans, I go with it, and spend most of today explaining how I want to feed flip-flopping room mate to be, to a dog.
All the while smiling Politely at him in person.
Lastly, I'm not particularly happy with myself. I'm fat, but would rather be lazy than work out every day. For example I'll work out for two weeks, then either give up, or a scheduling conflict will change up my day to day routine. So versus picking another day to work out, go for walks, etc, I just give up until I get fed up again, and the cycle repeats.
I also have a 3.77 GPA and can not be more fed up with my school and work, the pressure of college loans and being able to pay for my last year of school is weighing down on me, and lots of days I sort of want to say fuck it, skip class, and just bang on the drum all day, so to speak. I see every person I know that's an asshole, or forceful, or dicks to people getting everything they want. Girls, jobs, success, friends, and here I am, trying to be a good person, and I"m getting fucked in the ass.
I don't know if depression runs in my family, but here's a brief history.
My Grandfather on my Dad's side commited suicide when he was 13. My dad grew up surrounded by sisters and married my Mom. I think he's kind of fucked up too.
One day, at a camp fire, he started chasing a friend of mine (whose also fucked up), trying to french kiss him, exclaiming he "Just wants to feel it".
There are more examples I can list, and questions I can answer, but the fact remains I feel like I should be happier and more productive than I am, and I feel like this pretty much every day.
The worst part about this entire thing is that I feel like a little bitch. I want to get up and run a mile a day. I want to clean up my sink and keep it that way, and I Just don't. I hate complaining about this sort of thing when the solution seems to be "Get up off your ass, D-bag, people have REAL problems". So I dunno, maybe that's the case.
and Yes, I've made to do lists. No help.
Wontgetcaught on
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Posts
How long have you felt like this? Have you contemplated suicide or imagined how you would do it?
It could be a lot of syndromes. Get tested
One little nervous tick I do have, which scares the shit out of me, is that if I recall something I did in the past that I perceive was me acting like an idiot, or being annoying or stupid, I'll pantomine putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger, sometimes, but that's just sometimes.
To be honest the thing that triggered this, I think, and got me thinking about it, was Halloween this past year where this guy was dressed up as Patrick Bateman, from American Pyscho. He was super hammered and drunk, and told me the story about how his room mate had a conversation about how they don't make the Berry Captain Crunch anymore, walked into his room, and shot him self. It still bugs the shit out of me. Just the confluence of events.
Othertimes I just clench a fist, or shake it or something, or make a kind of grunty noise. This is normally in private. Though one or twice i've kind of got lost in thought on a bus and done it in public.
Here's what I'm worried about. I see a doctor and get a perscription: am I changed person? Personality and all?
Also, would my parents know since i'm on their insurance. If my mom were to find out I was depressed or ADHD or something, I'm pretty certain she'd force my ass back home, which is the worst thing for me, I think.
Klinefelter is kind of rocking my world right now. Especially the youthful appearance part. I look about 17. And Tooth Decay.
In my casual observation even though people aren't satisfied at all with their life they are stuck in it and there's something safe about using it as an excuse, perhaps? Being on medication or getting treatment "removes that excuse." Psychologically speaking. Maybe this doesn't apply to you, but as I hear over and over, the fear of change will seem so ridiculous once you seek treatment and feel better. It will probably improve your mindset, which seems overly negative right now probably due to stress from depression and such.
Just to logically think about how ridiculous it is: if you're depressed you aren't showing your true personality. And yet you aren't overly worried about your personality having changed due to depression. Why be worried when you're trying to have your body correct itself.
Also from your story, don't be afraid to disagree with people. You don't have to choose only two options: steeped in rage or going with the flow. You have a lot more choices.
Yes, shit like that is going to affect you a lot deeper than it just bugging the shit out of you. Did you get any counseling after that event?
No, he talked to someone who knows someone who killed themselves.
Also, just being on an IEP means nothing. Lack of fine motor skills is something, along with speech problems, that many children get placed in special education for. The IEP is required in these cases only because a school has to place a child in order to provide services such as physical and occupational therapy or speech therapy.
I kinda do this, but just psychically cringe instead of doing the gun to the head thing.
I was also a little weedy at the age of 23, christ I'm still getting carded getting into pubs/clubs and I've hit the 30 mark. Are your parents short/small as well?
You say you're doing some sort of tertiary education and passing, while getting stoned and not putting any effort into study? I went to HS with people who struggled to pass their years, but the were not retarded, just stupid.
Sounds to me like you're just depressed and feeding that depression with your negative thoughts...
I'm pretty sure you're not retarded.
Yeah, you write really well, too. you should probably see a psych and think about medication, like everyone else said. Also try to throw your resume out there and look for a job that doesn't make you want to tear your face off. Or, if you like your job when it's not making you scream at the phone, try some deep breathing exercises to calm down...
Make some appointments as soon as you can. You'll feel so much better for tackling it.
has it occurred to you that he was very likely bullshitting?
So, when it comes to seeing a doctor, what do I do? Do I just call a regular Doctor and say "I feel depressed?" My experience with medical professionals is VERY limited. Do I talk to a psychiatrist?
Pretty much yeah.
Usually this kind of thing (or always has for me anyway) starts with a General Practitioner. You call up to schedule an appointment, and when they ask what about you just say "Issues with some depression". When you show up the nurse will weigh you, take your vitals, and all that, then the doctor will walk in and say "Depressed eh? How so?" and you just sit and talk about it for a bit. Then they prescribe you something with the warning that types of anti-depressants are hit and miss, and you may have to try several different variations before finding one that works.
Don't worry about it changing you're personality, the doctor doesn't want this either
Yeah and it is a complete joke too..
Hey doc fellin kinda down
"Here have some pills"
Im not sure about insurance but I would at least look into it if you can. If its someonething you need they should be willing to pay.
Don't listen to this. Help is help, and chemicals in your brain can effect your moods.
you've got to really do this.
Just tell yourself: "screw you body I'm doin it"
Do something simple before you try anything else.
Unless you're already doing it. Then move on to diet. But don't do diet till you do sleep. One step at a time.
Doc: That's right, twenty five years into the future. I've always dreamed on seeing the future, looking beyond my years, seeing the progress of mankind. I'll also be able to see who wins the next twenty-five world series.
Mom freaked out. "Are you sure you want to be on....Medication?". This concerns me greatly.