[Girl Thread] How long is too long to wait?

Legionnaired

So I dated this girl for a year. I'm 23, she's 20.

You may recall that over Christmas time, I was looking for a necklace for her. The necklace was well received. A week or so after christmas, unrelated to the necklace, we both kind of realized "shit, this person's pretty cool, and this relationship is pretty serious."

She realized she wasn't ready for that kind of thing and broke it off, very explicitly leaving the door open for a part two down the line, but not making any promises or anything like that.

This was hard to hear, after having priced out rings and houses, but hey, that's the way things go. I'm still here and managed to not fuck up my life getting over the shock of it.

Anyway, I've talked to her a couple of times since then, and she says timing was the only reason we broke up. Basically, for various reasons it wouldn't have made sense for us to date for any longer than a year, year and a half more without getting married, and she wasn't ready for that.

I have a feeling her parents getting an ugly divorce when she was 7 plays into this some, but hey, that's just speculation.

Friends are saying that she had a lot of fear about it, the situation... I could tell something was on her mind for a couple weeks beforehand, but she really wouldn't say much.

Anyway, it's been three months since the break-up now. I go from feeling 'over it' to realizing that when I make a list of what I want in a woman, she's it. Having had the door left open, just 'not now, and no promises for later' isn't really sitting well with me.

So what, exactly, do I do? I know that I can't count on getting back together with her again, but at the same time if I'm not waiting for her, I want to be able to pursue other women. Intellectually speaking. Right now I can't even stomach the thought.

TL;DR, serious relationship ended 3 months ago - what now?

Esh

Don't pursue anyone. Live your life. :P

Sooner or later you'll wake up and be able to move on. There's no overnight cure.

Elin

I don't see this working out well for you at all. Really. I would just move forward and if she tries to come back into your life, take it with a grain of salt. She could be completely sincere, and just has commitment issues, but that still leaves you high and dry. People don't just get over that sort of thing in a month or two normally.

ceres

The shitty thing about bad timing is that there isn't much either party can do. I ran into this with my high school sweetheart... I just wasn't ready. The timing was completely off for me for the kind of settling down he wanted, and as terribly badly as I loved him, I knew it would be a mistake. It was a hard thing for both of us, and we both managed to move on.

The kind of funny thing is that he ended up marrying someone who people mistook for me in pictures at first, and sometimes in some lights in some ways my husband reminds me a TON of him. So I'm pretty sure that if we'd met and hit it off about ten years later than we did, we would have been completely inseparable. But if the relationship had continued at the time the way it was, it would have been an epic train wreck because I just was not ready for that kind of commitment.

Javen

Even if she's the nicest girl in the world, she's putting you in a shitty position. She wants to try and find something else without closing the door on you two in case things don't work out. Just because she's not ready doesn't mean you have to sit around waiting.

I'm also a little apprehensive about her 'it doesn't make sense to date for a year and not get married and I'm not ready for that' comment. It seems like she is her own boogeyman, if you catch my meaning.

Esh

Javen wrote: »

Even if she's the nicest girl in the world, she's putting you in a shitty position. She wants to try and find something else without closing the door on you two in case things don't work out. Just because she's not ready doesn't mean you have to sit around waiting.

I'm also a little apprehensive about her 'it doesn't make sense to date for a year and not get married and I'm not ready for that' comment. It seems like she is her own boogeyman, if you catch my meaning.

My guess is that she only told him that "the door was still open" just to let him down easily. Which is still not the best of things to do, but I honestly think she has no intention of ever getting back together with him.

Eat it You Nasty Pig.

So presumably you would both have liked to keep dating, but "it didn't make sense?" /boggle

Anyway all you can really do is move on. Maybe she'll figure it out and come around, maybe not.

RocketSauce

Women don't seem to get how thickheaded men can be about getting dumped or let down. I think they literally need to start breaking bones for guys to get it through their heads and have a lasting reminder that "it ain't happening" because so often within the passage of a day or two, guys have forgotten about what getting dumped felt like.

She dumped you, bro. Move on.

AlyceInWonderland

You're going to have to move on. You can't put your life on hold for someone when there's no guarantee of them ever coming back.

The very last thing my ex said to me the evening he broke up with me was "If I'm wrong about this, I'll come back."

...fuck that noise. Besides the fact that he was a total douche, I'm not going to wait around for some dude who broke up with me when I could be out doing something fun, and meeting new people. And LO AND BEHOLD...I met someone who is totally awesome, and the rest is history. If I had waited around like a retard (not calling YOU a retard), I would have never met my boyfriend, and I would have been absolutely miserable, instead of really goddamn happy like I am now.

Now, I'm not saying she isn't worth waiting around. You said she was totally awesome, but again, she broke up with you. Waiting around isn't going to do you any good, and you might meet someone else who is totally awesome.



Go out, and meet some chicks, dude.

LadyM

Basically, for various reasons it wouldn't have made sense for us to date for any longer than a year, year and a half more without getting married, and she wasn't ready for that.

What . . . what kind of reasons would those be? o_O

I would move on.

Bionic Monkey

There's no rule saying people have to get married 2.5 years after dating. This girl either had other reasons to break up with you, but didn't have the spine to tell you, or she has some mental issues. Either way, you're better off just moving on.

Perpetual

Bionic Monkey wrote: »

There's no rule saying people have to get married 2.5 years after dating.

Perhaps not a "rule", but I think dating someone for a fairly long amount of time (several years) and moving in together and living together for a while before getting married is a good idea for lots of reasons.

You wanna get married after 6 months of dating someone? That's your choice. Plenty of people do it and a lot of them end up happy. But there's also a big risk: don't be surprised if the person doesn't turn out to be who you thought they were, or that you weren't as "destined to be together" as you originally thought.

Infidel

It's been said but it's really imporant.

"How long is too long to wait?"

Any length of waiting. Don't wait. Putting your shit on hold is never a good idea, even if it means you might miss out on someone in particular, if you wait you'll miss out on everyone in general.