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Mom and Sister fight. I have been asked to arbitrate.
Romantic Undead
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Registered User regular
Hey guys, so here's the situation:
Mom and Sis plan to go to trip to Geneva to visit Uncle. Plans are in motion, tickets boughted, everything is peachy.
Day of Trip: Mom is stopped at airport. Her passport is expired. Boarding is denied, everyone goes home.
Sister is (understandably) upset at the sudden letdown, and has resumed working during what she had originally booked as vacation time.
Today, Sis calls me to inform me that Mom has called her, explaining that she has had her Passport reinstated and is ready to go again as soon as Thursday. Sister is upset, back at work, and kindof exhasperated at the situation. She conveyed the situation to Mom, who reacted by saying "Well, I guess there's no room for error with you!" and hung up on her.
Mother is guilt-ridden and heartbroken
Sister is frustrated and exhasperated
And, at this point, no trip is taking place, and money has been flushed down the toilet.
Neither are speaking to each other at this point and both have come to me for advice.
What can you recommend in this situation, H/A?
Mom and Sis plan to go to trip to Geneva to visit Uncle. Plans are in motion, tickets boughted, everything is peachy.
Day of Trip: Mom is stopped at airport. Her passport is expired. Boarding is denied, everyone goes home.
Sister is (understandably) upset at the sudden letdown, and has resumed working during what she had originally booked as vacation time.
Today, Sis calls me to inform me that Mom has called her, explaining that she has had her Passport reinstated and is ready to go again as soon as Thursday. Sister is upset, back at work, and kindof exhasperated at the situation. She conveyed the situation to Mom, who reacted by saying "Well, I guess there's no room for error with you!" and hung up on her.
Mother is guilt-ridden and heartbroken
Sister is frustrated and exhasperated
And, at this point, no trip is taking place, and money has been flushed down the toilet.
Neither are speaking to each other at this point and both have come to me for advice.
What can you recommend in this situation, H/A?
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If there is little extra cost, I don't see why they shouldn't go.
but they're listening to every word I say
That's the best course of action. There's always room for what "you should have done" but in the end, this is the situation you're all in, so make the best of it.
Apologizing is the least she could do.
It's not that simple. Sis had already booked time off of work and has cancelled her vacation and returned to work. She's worried about apperances should she go to her boss and say "oh, by the way, vacation's still on and I need it extended another week! bye!"
Note that trip was planned to be spent with Uncle who's in Geneva on assignment. He won't have time again until June, which is inconvenient for Mom. Basically, what that means is, if they don't go on Thursday, they can't go again until June, which may not be an option for Mom.
Your mom should apologize, if she hasn't already, but that's not really relevant to the decision.
edit: I can already read the responses about how it's unfair that she's being forced to make that decision. They're right, it is unfair. But it doesn't matter, life isn't fair. No matter how the decision is presented and no matter how her mom and uncle react this is a choice that she has to make.
Mom should have thought about that before not checking her passport then. Your sister isn't to blame for the situation, and can't be expected to bend over backwards at a moment's notice and rearrange her life every time your mom screws something up.
If this is so damn important to your mother, then she should go alone. She should also compensate your sister for the money she lost in all this.
This is the "I care more about my convenience than my relationships" response.
(I'm not arguing it's validity, just framing it. For some this is the most valid reaction.)
If that's not the case, then I can be more receptive. But, I'm still not gonna be happy that you can't get your shit together. Even if it's your mom being a flake.
Well, tough shit then.
That's a very negative way of framing it. The other response could just as well be "I'm willing to be steamrolled by passive-aggressive and exploitive relatives" if we're going to frame it like that.
Mom has no experience travelling, while my sister is a globetrotter. She's relying on my sister's experience for this, and I doubt she would go alone. I think my mom believes that if she doesn't go this week, she'll never get to go, so she's desperate to make this trip work and is taking out her frustration on my sister.
My mom's been looking forward to this trip for some time now, and is incredibly frustrated at the prospect of not being able to go due to an oversight on her part. She is trying to take steps to rectify the situation, but is now finding herself stonewalled by my sister, who is also frustrated, and now feels like she's having the rug pulled up from under her. Mom is worried that she is losing perhaps her only chance to ever travel to Geneva, and is taking out her frustrations on my sister, compounding the situation.
Good point actually. My advice should obviously be weighted against how your mom is going to react, how it will affect your/your sis's relationship with her, and how important that relationship is.
That said, I stick by "mom should go alone" at this point if the timing is so damn important. It's her fault they weren't able to go when scheduled, and your sister can't be blamed for not rearranging her life a third time in short order just to accomodate her.
:?
She should go alone, as it's unlikely your sister will be able to reschedule her vacation on short notice.
I wouldnt really call what she did/forgot to do as an oversight. When travelling abroad you really only need two things:
1) valid plane/train/bus ticket
2) valid passport
Your mom apparently had a passport prior to this trip so she should have known 1) how long it takes to get a new one, and 2) how necessary it is to have one thats valid.
When I traveled to Europe the first time my family made sure we had our passports well in advance of when we were supposed to leave just to make sure if there were any issues with them we could get them fixed. The second time we flew to Europe we made sure that they were all still valid. Its not like its that difficult, they tell you when they expire (I think its 5 years?).
Your mom, in my opinion, is clearly in the wrong, but is it not possible for her to go by herself?
Well, you see, we kinda, you know, care, about our relationship with our mom, and when she is hurt and shuts us out, it hurts us too.
And now your sister is out money, exasperated and up to her elbows in crap because of your mom's behavior. You admit your mom is queen of the guilt trips and if no one ever calls her out on her childish behavior it's never going to stop.
I care about my relationship with my mom as well, but we have an adult relationship where she doesn't pull this kind of shit and expect me to just deal with it because she's mom.
I was reading down this thread screaming at people waiting for someone to say the sister should have gone sans Mum. If your Mum is so wrapped up in herself that her mistake is worth ruining your sister's chance at the trip, then that's not your sister's fault. At all. I would have just gone. "OK, well, my ticket is good, so you just come on a later flight when you can." If your Mum took offense to that... well... that's just the way things go sometimes. She can't hold you to emotional ransom on reasonable things. No-one has the right to do that.
I agree with the sentiment that this trip is over, and everyone should just get some distance for a while. Your sister has every right to be upset, Usagi is right that if she asks for time off again it will make her appear to be a horrific pain in the ass at work and is 99% to be denied anyway.
The thing to do is tell your Mum the trip is over. If you have to, lie and say your sister asked for time off and was denied (but I'd avoid lying if possible).
I traveled from the US to Europe alone when I was 20 and I had never traveled before. It didn't require a travel-experienced chaperone.
Your sister is entirely in the right.
All you should do is tell your mom you understand that she's upset and that your sister is upset but that you don't want to get in the middle and that they should talk to each other about it.
I think the lying about the boss saying that she couldn't go idea is a good one to take care of this.
I'd put it to your mom as "it was your mistake that messed up this time, and there's a limit to how much sister can do regarding moving vacation time around at this late a time... if it's that important to go with sister, then maybe you have to figure out how to work around whatever you had planned in June"?
Obviously your mom may have something more important in June, but that's what I would say - it's your fault that this trip didn't work out, and while sister can try to make some sacrifices to get things to work out, it's now going to be up to you to make bigger sacrifices
Your mother is free to go now. Your sister can go in June if she still wants to and your mother can't.
It really, really sucks and it is basically your mother's fault. I can tell you that if I were your sister I would want a heartfelt apology from Mom for basically wrecking the trip. It sounds like your mom doesn't work, or hasn't in a long time, and I say that because she seems to have no concept of what it takes to book vacation time.
IF you choose to get involved, which... maybe you shouldn't if they just want to be mad for awhile and don't actually want advice, I would advise your mother to apologize with a for realsies apology for not making sure her ducks were in a row before she left, as opposed to a "sorry for the trip blah blah blah now we can go, right?" She should also try to make it right. There's a little time... since it was her mistake, perhaps she can put effort into trying to make sure they can go together in June? Or find some other way to make it up.
And then your sister can choose to accept that or not, but your mother has done what she could. It sounds like mom has some understanding that this mess is due to her carelessness. You also need to advise your sister to be reasonable and accept an apology if she gets it. Nobody's denying the mom fucked up big, but that's done now and if Mom really tries to make it right, Sis should put aside her hard feelings.
This is assuming they have an otherwise good relationship. If they don't, my advice to you is not to go near that mess.
It's just a vacation, there will be more of them in the future. Hell, your mom is already trying to make it good and schedule another. It's not your mom's fault that your sister is too worried about appearances to even ASK her boss for a vacation switch and instead wants your mom to somehow magically fix a problem in ways that aren't actually possible.
Tell your sister to chill the fuck out about the whole thing and get your mom to give a real apology (not over the fucking phone, christ) for screwing up everyone's plans. She made a mistake and she's sorry. She's family, forgiveness for something like this should pretty much be a given.
And everyone is pushing to Mom going alone if Sis is denied vacation time. Isnt that like rubbing salt on a wound? Your sis decided to cancel her trip when Mom couldn't board the plane, now Mom is going on her own? Ouch.
How is the real problem beyond emotions when neither one of them wants to talk to the other? That sounds purely emotion driven to me.
And it sounded like to me that the sister was too worried about saving face to even ask for the changed vacation time, how would she look like a jackass if she explained the situation?
Working where you do must be nice. I would absolutely be considered a jackass even for asking.
Mom is 100% in the wrong for not offering a sincere, heartfelt apology for blowing the trip, followed by compensating the sister for every dollar she lost (depending on Mom's financial situation, of course). Then her choices are to rearrange her schedule so she can go in June, or accepting that she ruined the trip for everyone and that while she shouldn't have to take shit for this, she also can't expect her daughter to accommodate her new schedule.
edit: I wouldn't have to demand the money, my mom would cut me a check. I'd do the same for her if I was driving her car and I dented it. In my family if we cause financial harm to each other we make restitution if we can afford to do so.
If my mom fucked up a vacation and caused me to lose $900 out of pocket, I would absolutely want compensation.
If you are going to the trouble to plan a four-figure international trip STEP NUMBER ONE is to open your passport and make sure it's valid. It actually blows my mind a little that the woman never once thought to do this, and if she did, that she thought she'd just be able to waltz through the line unheeded with an invalid passport. Traveling without taking that step was incredibly irresponsible and wasted large sums of the sister's time and money, so even setting aside the implication that that she should think nothing of risking her employment to accommodate a woman who can't be bothered to check her passport, I would be absolutely furious. To then have this same woman tell me that I should do so because she might be busy in June and make a very snide remark when told it wasn't possible, when the whole thing was her fault in the first place, would quite simply find me without words. Even with a really good apology, I'd need some space from the idea for a while. Without one, see you next Christmas if I can get around to it maybe.
Yea I know right... A good family would have a mom that offers the money when she fucks up a vacation.
Personally I would have gone without her. This way no one is out of money. And the more I think of it the more sense it makes, your sister could have jumped on a plane and your mother could have followed three days later by paying for an expedited renewal of a passport.
OP your mother messed up and she's upset. She is upset and has a bunch guilt. She knows she is the one that messed up and is probably punishing herself pretty harshly over. (or if she isn't, you should gently point out that this is one of her responsibilities)
And your sister is frustrated about being dicked around. But you know what? She has bills to pay. She can't just waltz up and get a new job like that. She probably needs to stay there.
You need to explain to your mother that she needs to accept that she can't go on the trip that she dreamed of and that's life. Now she needs to make a choice, travel alone or not at all, personally I know what I would choose.
Also point out to her the only time your mother she will be alone is when she is on a plane. And it's not that hard to get on one of those.
Satans..... hints.....