Baby name question

Hedgethorn

My wife and I lost our first daughter a couple years ago. We're expecting our second in just a couple months, so we're now trying to decide on a name.

One idea we've been considering involves giving our second daughter the same middle name as her deceased older sister. (The name also has some connection to my wife's family.)

Our worry is that our daughter might eventually be bothered by this. What do you think? Would you find it weird or uncomfortable to share a midde name with an older sibling you never knew?

Mojo_Jojo

No, I think it's fine. Middle names typically have some family relevance, so this seems perfectly normal.

THEPAIN73

No I wouldn't mind.

I think it would be a neat tribute.

I'm sorry to hear about your first daughter also.

Forkes

I think this is actually quite tricky.

I can see her being kinda upset about during the ages of about 9 - 13. After that I can see her being cool with it, but kids that age can over react about a lot of things.

I'm not saying don't do it, just be ready for her to resent it for a period of her life.

My condolences.

VisionOfClarity

To be honest, some people would be ok with it other would be weirded out by it. Personally, it's not something I would want or would do.

Asiina

Yeah, there's no telling how your daughter would react. Personally, I would really not want that. It'd make me feel like some sort of replacement. I say better safe than sorry and not give her the same middle name.

Sorry about your first daughter.

Mim

Though she might be weirded out by it, why not give her two middle names so that way she has something that is *just* hers? That might be nice to do.

I plan to give all of my children two middle names to reflect my ethnic heritage and my boyfriend's heritage.

Also, sorry for your loss.

Figgy

Why not just not tell her until she is old enough not to overreact? IAbout the middle name, anyway) A young child might see it as her being a "replacement," but as she gets older she could see it as something special.

Really, there is no way of knowing for sure how she will react.

defreak

Figgy wrote: »

Really, there is no way of knowing for sure how she will react.

Because this is so true, I think it's best not to do it. I wouldn't risk it even it was only a 5% chance she might have negative feelings towards it.

While I would agree with the other posters that with most people, her feelings about it would change with age (for example feeling like a "replacement" to "special"), but you could also end up with a kid that'll feel negative towards it no matter how old she gets.

Again, there's no way of knowing. Don't risk it.

Nylonathetep

There's this story about a young child and her make-believe friend along with a single mother living in an apartment. When the mother leaves her child alone pots and pans ends up clashing onto the floor, or there will be drawings with red crayons drawn on the wall, always a girls (one taller in height) holding hand with a smaller girl. Any time the mother confront her child she would say her make-believe friend did it. The mother thought nothing about it at first and just punish the child, however the misbehavior keeps getting worse and worse. Tables would ended up being overturned, vases fell onto the floor and shattered, Chairs being broken, until one day she got so overly fed up that she beat her child horribly.

The mother felt sorry afterward and tried to talk to her now sobbing child, explaining why all the things she did was bad. The child, uncharacteristically insist that her friend did it and and in that conversation the young child let it slip that girl that was with her all this time was named Stephanie...

That was the named of the mother's first child that didn't died shortly after being born. She was still very suspicious of it and the name could have been just a coincidence. None-the-less she kept closer attention to things and found some of the things to be almost unexplainable. She also would something catch a shadow just darting out of her eyesight. Some nights her baby girl would cry in her sleep, screaming about someone not taking her away. The Mother ended up sleeping with her girl, but when she would hold her child as she sleeps, the mother would felt another pair of cold hands wrapped around her.



Then one day the whole thing completely stopped. Her child behaved perfectly and there's no more further incidents of any misbehavior coming from the child... except...

The little girl calls herself Stephanie now...

mooshoepork

Nylonathetep wrote: »

There's this story about a young child and her make-believe friend along with a single mother living in an apartment. When the mother leaves her child alone pots and pans ends up clashing onto the floor, or there will be drawings with red crayons drawn on the wall, always a girls (one taller in height) holding hand with a smaller girl. Any time the mother confront her child she would say her make-believe friend did it. The mother thought nothing about it at first and just punish the child, however the misbehavior keeps getting worse and worse. Tables would ended up being overturned, vases fell onto the floor and shattered, Chairs being broken, until one day she got so overly fed up that she beat her child horribly.

The mother felt sorry afterward and tried to talk to her now sobbing child, explaining why all the things she did was bad. The child, uncharacteristically insist that her friend did and and that the girl that was with her all the time was named Stephanie...

That was the named of the mother's first child that didn't died shortly after being born. She was still very suspicious of it and the name could have been just a coincidence. None-the-less she kept closer attention to things and found some of the things to be almost unexplainable. She also would something catch a shadow just darting out of her eyesight. Some nights her baby girl would cry in her sleep, screaming about someone not taking her away. The Mother ended up sleeping with her girl, but when she would hold her child as she sleeps, the mother would felt another pair of cold hands wrapped around her.



Then one day the whole thing completely stopped. Her child behaved perfectly and there's no more further incidents of any misbehavior coming from the child... except...

The little girl calls herself Stephanie now...

what the fuck are you talking about?

To the OP. I wouldn't find it uncomfortable at all. Then again, I don't really remember what it was like to be a kid.

EggyToast

You don't know how your future kid is going to react to any name you give it, first or middle. Name your daughter what you want, and what feels right to you and your wife. All children invariably ask "why am i named this" and I'd argue it's worse to say "well we were going to name you [x] because of this reason" than to simply say "we did name you [x] because of this reason." She might feel she's a replacement because of the name -- or she might feel she's a replacement because she's the 2nd daughter. She might be a teenager who hates you or a teenager who loves you regardless of what you name her.

I have the same middle name as my dad who has the same middle name as his dad. Although I don't really identify with it, I like that it reminds me of my now-deceased grandfather. When my dad passes away it will serve to remind me of him, as well.

Rainbulimic

My mum gave me the same initials as my Granddad as a tribute to him. Maybe something like that would be better for you as well.

The only thing you really want to avoid is the 'replacement' idea that might come with giving her the same name. That would probably feel like the worst thing in the world, and she'd just come to resent the name.

bsjezz

Figgy wrote: »

Why not just not tell her until she is old enough not to overreact? IAbout the middle name, anyway) A young child might see it as her being a "replacement," but as she gets older she could see it as something special.

Really, there is no way of knowing for sure how she will react.

i'd go the opposite way. i think if it's a story that the kid knows about, has always known about, growing up she'll understand it and respect it, rather than, as an older kid or young adult, being dropped a bomb that really is changing what part of her identity means

i think it's a nice thought, but it can present perils. make sure you're going to be comfortable talking about her sister even when she's quite young. i think that's the least you can do by so directly bringing that part of your family history to everyday life

Natas_Xnoybis

wow.. pretty heavy duty...

damn man.... I think it is a fitting tribute....IMO don't tell her what her middle name comes from until she is 16+

Ritchmeister

I know a boy who has the same name as a dead older brother, i think it's pretty creepy and he generally gets mocked and called "Derek 2"

ceres

Honestly... I would not do this. It's less of a big deal because it's a middle name you're talking about, but even so.

I don't know what name you're dealing with here, but have you thought about using a variant of the name, or changing a few letters so it sounds different? Like Ella/Ellen, Kirstin/Kristina, Kaitlin/Katherine. Perhaps think of it as though you were naming the older girl's twin, and these two girls would need to exist in the same space. Because really in a way they do, and while it's only a possibility of course, the last thing you want is for your daughter to feel like she's expected to meet some unfulfilled potential never met by her sister.

I think it's better to tell her about your older daughter and what the name means to her family. Chances are good that she will decide to use the name for a daughter of her own, to honor the sister she never knew as well as the family name.

Raneados

this is absolutely fine

The Black Hunter

I'd say it is a beautiful tribute, but it would be a difficult moment once the girl finds out, give her a day or two and it'd be a bit of a badge for her though

3drage

Since it's a family name, perhaps focus on the origin of that aspect and leave the other history for sometime when your child is an adult, or when you're ready to talk to them about your previous child. My parents lost their first child to SIDs, and we learned about it when we were failry young. None of us carried like names, but even at a young age we understood that we had an older sister that passed while a child.

SwashbucklerXX

I don't think it needs to be difficult for the child at all. It's all about how you present it, and is especially easy to talk about if you believe in an afterlife, i.e. "You have the same middle name as your sister, who is in heaven now. She loves you very much, just like we do." Emphasizing that having that name makes your child special creates a positive connection. Little kids aren't weirded out by death unless you teach them to be weirded out by death, and unless you're always comparing her to what her sister could have been (which is seriously bad parenting, and I wouldn't assume the OP would be like this at all), it's not going to bother her when she's older either.

I do think that having a middle name with links to the family is pretty special. My middle name is my dad's first name, and I've always loved it for that reason.

SideAffects

I think it's fine.

Sometimes parents choose their child's name after people that have passed through their lives that they have loved dearly. In most cases, the names come from grandparents or aunts or uncles or even best friends. Sometimes children are named after characters in movies or books that the parents found important. In this girl's case, the middle name came from another child. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. I think it's touching.

If she ever gets upset, say that the choices were Han Solo, Chewbacca, Boba Fett, or XXXX.

Kae

In all honesty . . . I think I would find it uncomfortable. It would make me feel as if my parents had me as a replacement for the other child. I know that other people might not react the same way and she might be okay with it, but I would be cautious about naming her after her sister.

KyleWPeterson

I think it's a great way to honor someone in your family. Middle names should be important like that (as long as you're not making it her first name) and I actually used to date someone whose family did this exact same thing.

Eat it You Nasty Pig.

I think it's a little bit creepy. That is to say, if I found out I had a deceased older brother who had the same name as me, I would be creeped out.

Muse Among Men

Okay, so she is getting her own First Name, but the same Middle Name as you deceased daughter's Middle Name?

If that is the case, I think it is fine. You intend to use her first name on a daily basis, right? If so, I don't think she should react badly, especially if you present it gently.

mully

My mom's middle name and my middle name are the same, which is my granny's first name. I do not find this offensive, I do not think it was "laziness", I just feel like it was a tribute to a portion of my family that I did not get to know very well.

I'd say it's fine . It will, as always, depend on what the kid thinks of it once she's old enough to comprehend it.

Feels Good Man

Middle names are otherwise meaningless, and it's not like you'll be calling her that name so it's not as if you are mentally "replacing" her. It's fine.


(Also, it's the superior naming option as well -- my family has a tradition of naming the first son "William." I, my father, and his father all go by our middle names. All it does is establish confusion when our official names are used, hah)

Hedgethorn

Muse Among Men wrote: »

Okay, so she is getting her own First Name, but the same Middle Name as you deceased daughter's Middle Name?

Exactly. The idea is, our first daughter's name was something like Abigail Joy (just an example), and the name up for consideration is something like Samantha Joy (again, just for example).

You intend to use her first name on a daily basis, right?

Yes.

Also, thanks to everyone who has replied so far. You've given me and my wife plenty of fodder for discussion.

Forkes

Hedgethorn wrote: »

Muse Among Men wrote: »

Okay, so she is getting her own First Name, but the same Middle Name as you deceased daughter's Middle Name?

Exactly. The idea is, our first daughter's name was something like Abigail Joy (just an example), and the name up for consideration is something like Samantha Joy (again, just for example).

You intend to use her first name on a daily basis, right?

Yes.

Also, thanks to everyone who has replied so far. You've given me and my wife plenty of fodder for discussion.

Ohhh, OK, yeah that is different that what I thought. I thought it was more along the lines of Abigail Joy and Samantha Abigail.

Now that I get it, I can see nothing that may upset your daughter in the future.

ceres

Yeah, that's not quite as bad.

Although even so, it's different naming two kids the same thing who are from the same generation of the same nuclear family from naming a child after a parent or grandparent.

But yeah, definitely slightly more palatable the way you describe.

Feels Good Man

Forkes wrote: »

Hedgethorn wrote: »

Muse Among Men wrote: »

Okay, so she is getting her own First Name, but the same Middle Name as you deceased daughter's Middle Name?

Exactly. The idea is, our first daughter's name was something like Abigail Joy (just an example), and the name up for consideration is something like Samantha Joy (again, just for example).

You intend to use her first name on a daily basis, right?

Yes.

Also, thanks to everyone who has replied so far. You've given me and my wife plenty of fodder for discussion.

Ohhh, OK, yeah that is different that what I thought. I thought it was more along the lines of Abigail Joy and Samantha Abigail.

Now that I get it, I can see nothing that may upset your daughter in the future.

honestly I don't even see this is as a big deal at all



as long as it isn't like Abigail Nancy and Abigail Sue I don't really see how it would bother anyone really

PolloDiablo

I've got a younger brother and cousin with the same first name as my middle name. It gets confusing but nobody really cares. I mean, we're all alive, but I think it would be about the same. I don't see a problem with it.