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Gettin' hitched... Any words of wisdom?
saint2e
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey all,
In less than 7 weeks, I will be getting married to a pretty awesome woman. Huzzah! Just looking for tidbits of advice regarding the lead up to the wedding, married life, sex, etc.
A little info about me:
I'm 31, of the Christian faith, I have my own house/car, and a good steady job with the same company for 6 years now. I'm also a virgin, so the sex aspect is a pretty big deal as my wedding night will be my first foray into such things. I live, as my profile indicates, in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada.
My fiance is 26, also Christian, and has her own car. She's lived with her parents all her life, even through college. She will be giving up her job in Niagara Falls, Ontario and will be moving into my/our house after we're married. She too is a virgin.
I've lived with other people before, as I've travelled the world alot, and lived in the UK for 2.5 years. I think the biggest transition for me is having someone else sharing the house with me. I have everything organized the way I like, and I run the place myself. That's gonna change with my fiance/new wive moving in, so that's where I think I'll need to be patient and will need time to adjust. We've already sat down and worked out the financials, and we can live pretty well on my salary alone, while she looks for a job in town. This may be daunting, as this area is tough for her area of expertise.
She will have a lot of adjustment to make as she's lived at home her entire life. New and hopefully exciting time for her. We'll have to have some give and take on how the house is run, how we decorate, what food to buy, etc. etc., but I think that's pretty normal.
Anywho, just looking for some tips, advice from other folks who have undertaken this step in their lives. I have a lot of newlywed friends who have been a wealth of information as well, but I figure the more information the better.
In less than 7 weeks, I will be getting married to a pretty awesome woman. Huzzah! Just looking for tidbits of advice regarding the lead up to the wedding, married life, sex, etc.
A little info about me:
I'm 31, of the Christian faith, I have my own house/car, and a good steady job with the same company for 6 years now. I'm also a virgin, so the sex aspect is a pretty big deal as my wedding night will be my first foray into such things. I live, as my profile indicates, in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada.
My fiance is 26, also Christian, and has her own car. She's lived with her parents all her life, even through college. She will be giving up her job in Niagara Falls, Ontario and will be moving into my/our house after we're married. She too is a virgin.
I've lived with other people before, as I've travelled the world alot, and lived in the UK for 2.5 years. I think the biggest transition for me is having someone else sharing the house with me. I have everything organized the way I like, and I run the place myself. That's gonna change with my fiance/new wive moving in, so that's where I think I'll need to be patient and will need time to adjust. We've already sat down and worked out the financials, and we can live pretty well on my salary alone, while she looks for a job in town. This may be daunting, as this area is tough for her area of expertise.
She will have a lot of adjustment to make as she's lived at home her entire life. New and hopefully exciting time for her. We'll have to have some give and take on how the house is run, how we decorate, what food to buy, etc. etc., but I think that's pretty normal.
Anywho, just looking for some tips, advice from other folks who have undertaken this step in their lives. I have a lot of newlywed friends who have been a wealth of information as well, but I figure the more information the better.
saint2e on
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Everything else is subjective.
If you've been spending a lot of time together for the past few years, it won't be as big of an adjustment as you think.
This.
Other pointers:
Sex is going to suck at first if you've been built up about it at all. Being internet savvy you probably know this but don't expect her to enjoy it the first time and don't expect yourself to last. As protein said, communication is key...also foreplay.
Figure out what you're doing for chores, discuss this with her as it can become a conflict of you doing all the chores because she's a messier person or vice-versa.
You may want to go see your friends...possibly without her, I don't know. This is fine, just make sure you both understand this. She could very well be the same way.
...
Really it all does boil down to communication though.
Even for people who have had a lot of sex when you are with someone new it is always a little weird. It will take awhile for you two to learn how to really make each other tick, so don't let that frustrate you.
Don't ever say "I don't care."
If your significant other asks you something, just give her an answer even if you really don't care. Pizza or tacos for dinner? Just roll the proverbial dice in your head and pick one. Your significant other wants to know that you're involved with the decision making and she'll feel better about the relationship if you can manage to avoid saying "I don't care."
2. I lived with my (now) wife for a year before we got married, so absolutely nothing changed for us after we got married. Living with your wife, however, isn't any different than having a roommate. The ground rules are generally going to be the same: pick up after yourself, talk about your problems rather than leaving passive-aggressive notes, don't be a silly goose, etc. The only thing my wife and I had a problem with at first was getting used to using a joint bank account. You have to work twice as hard to keep track of your finances due to two people spending money out of the same account.
Don't bother with anything that warms, tingles, numbs or is flavoured.
And if this is your wedding night, she better be putting it in her mouth.
It's as if every thread related to relationships and sex brings idiots out of the woodwork.
I'm not really getting what is idiotic here, since it's completely true - oral makes penetration extremely simple, and avoids awkward lubing up.
"I've been married to my wife for over 40 years. The secret to keeping that relationship going strong can be answered with a question. Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?
I can say I'm the happiest man on the planet, that's about the only thing I ever got right."
All kidding aside, I'll pass on some information that will hopefully help.
1) Communicate: When you're happy, let your wife know. When you're upset, let her know. Don't ever just react - explain. Get your wife to do the same and you'll keep fights to a minimum or in a civilized state. I can honestly say I've yelled at my wife less than 5 times in the 12 years we've been together because we talk it out before it escalates.
2) Compromise: You're going to get stuck doing shit you hate, and vice versa for her. If you're willing to at least try for your wife's sake, she'll do the same for you - or at least give you some slack when you want to do your activities.
3) Show Appreciation: Doing something simple for your wife every single day sounds like a lot, but it quickly becomes a good habit that she'll appreciate over time. Tell your wife you love her before you leave her, or get her flowers randomly, etc. It sounds very anti-macho (and it is) but those little signs of appreciation earn you XP in the tolerance category - trust me. You'll be able to get away with an untidy room, spending an entire day in front of the TV or computer, or neglecting to do the dishes every so often.
That's about it for now. Remember to enjoy married life and never take each other for granted.
Communication is something that we never really have struggled with. We don't live together, but we usually end our evenings talking on the phone. It's there that we discuss things that are bothering us (ie- she has brought up inappropriate jokes that I've made that she didn't like, and I've brought up some issues I've had with her being a bit too clingy at times). So I think we're pretty good there. Quite often we'll have "relationship checks", and that's a good time to bring up any issues or concerns.
Thanks for the advice so far. Along with the working out the finances, we've also discussed household chores. Essentially we both have our respective "most hated chores", and they don't overlap, so that was a nice bonus. I hate cleaning bathrooms, and she hates anything garbage related, for example.
Evil_Reaver, the "I don't care" thing is gold. She doesn't like making decisions, and quite often the decision making process will fall to me, and 99% of the time, I'll just pick something arbitrarily. I have noticed the tendency to say "I don't care" lately due to ALL the decisions needing to be made with the wedding/reception/etc., so I'll try and curtail that. Excellent point.
With regards to sex, I'm not really expecting much, initially. Just kinda feeling things out, literally. I have heard the "lots of lube" comment before and will be taking that to heart. As embarassing as it is to mention in public forum, I've also been "trying on" different types of condoms, and have found a couple that seem to "fit better" than others, so hopefully I'm prepared in that instance.
Good stuff everyone. Keep it coming, I'd like to be as prepared as possible for the next step in my life.
Also ignore lewd idiots like Karmer. Lube will make her first time much more of a pleasant experience.
I think it's probably that whole comment on, "She better be sucking that cock!"
Like she has no choice or something
Anyway, people will tell you not to go to bed angry, but I tried that once and didn't get any sleep for a month
Okay, joke over
Get used to apologizing even though you don't think you've done anything wrong -- find out why she's angry and apologize for that, then really try hard not to do the same thing again
I find that once I get to the heart of any arguments and apologize, I will usually get an apology back in kind and then it's over and you can have make up sex
The I don't care line is solid advice, something I definitely need to work on. Also the winning arguments vs. being happy is solid advice. Communication is, of course, very important. Also, make sure to set reasonable expectations, both short and long term.
For your specific situation, I'll advise you to try hard not to argue about money. I have a problem with this as well. My wife likes to buy a lot of handbags. I think that she already has too many and they're a waste of money, but in the end it doesn't matter how many she has, getting new ones makes her happy and that's worth the small price of the handbags (luckily she likes cheap ones).
edit: one more thing, make sure you use inclusive words, like us and we and not me and my. So make sure you say 'our house', etc.
I still say lube is just awkward and kinda ruins the whole emotion of the experience when you're stopping to squirt stuff on.
If he's using condoms, just get a nice lubricated one and you can ignore the lube and make things a lot more simple/enjoyable
Generally speaking, while you're making the adjustment to living together, things like checklists, notes, and other visual reminders to each other of what is expected or has to get done will help avoid things slipping through the cracks and the tensions that can bring.
While this may have been the case in your experience, it's just not true for everyone.
Besides, the "It's your wedding night, force her to wrap her lips around your cack" thing was way more offensive
Talk about religion, you're both Christian, but do you see eye to eye on things?
Talk about kids, do you both want them? How are they going to be raised? Will religion figure in their upbringing and if so, whose religion?
But yeah for people planning to marry I counsel they talk about finances, kids and religion. I also say they should co-habit for a year or 2, but if you're both religious and I'm assuming your both refraining from sex is an expression of that, I'm not sure how that would happen.
Good points. As she has lived at home all her life, she has a fair bit saved up. I, on the other hand, have a bit of debt as I bought a house last year. I'm working that down, and will be debt-free in about 1.5 years if all goes to plan. We factored that into the finances, so we know where we stand currently. We actually have a joint Savings account, which we're kind of using as a fund for wedding stuff. So we're already somewhat used to the idea of sharing money, but obviously it's not the same as sharing chequing accounts, etc..
For the most part, yes. There are a few minor things that we differ on, but nothing really major. We both attend the same denomination of Christian church so that helps.
We definitely both wants kids. She loves 'em, I love 'em. The current gameplan is to have 1, and see how she feels about another. She's gotta do most of the hard work, so it's her call. Ideally, we want a boy and girl. Religion will factor into the upbringing.
Yeah, that's the one thing I'm kinda concerned about, although not overly. There will be a bit of transition with living together, but I dont' think it's anything that will be catastrophic. We both have a lot of patience, and I think we communicate well.
It is your big day, but you can definitely make it memorable without putting yourselves in indentured servitude for the next 20 years.
Yeah, they say money is one of the biggest issues in any marriage and it's true.
I think the key is (in addition to communication, communication, communication!) to look at how much you're each spending rather than what you're spending it on. There are always things that one person buys that the other thinks is a waste of money, so I think setting a personal spending limit is the best and fairest way to do things.
With regards to chores: 1. Offer to help, and 2. let the other person help.
There's usually always one person who ends up doing a larger share of the chores, it's hard to split household duties evenly. I'm more efficient and I also notice all the little things, so in my household it's me. I used to get really frustrated with doing most of the housework, but my husband pointed out that a) when he used to ask to help, I'd say 'no' knowing that I'd get it done quicker, and b) he genuinely just doesn't see/care some of the things that need to be done (i.e. dusting or cleaning the kitchen floor). So we agreed that he'd offer to help when he saw me clean, and that I'd actually accept his help. So now instead of saying, 'I've got it all sorted' I'll find a chore for him to do. I may still do most of the chores, but there's no resentment, and he's learned to appreciate some of the things I do.
This is basic relationship advice but when she asks you your opinion don't say what you think she wants you to say because it's easier or you want to appease her.
Say what you want to say.
If you don't you'll eventually come to resent her and she'll be none the wiser about it.
This is great advice!
-Get some lubricant (KY or astroglide or something) for the first night. It'll help things go a bit more smoothly. You're probably both going to be nervous and it can be hard to get properly self-lubricated when you're nervous.
-Just because she's a virgin and is expecting it to hurt, it shouldn't hurt that much, so go slow and be careful, and don't be afraid to back off and take your time. Do not, under any circumstances, "just go for it because it's supposed to hurt." I kinda made that mistake when my husband and I got married. Made the next several days of the honeymoon less fun than they could have been. Enough said.
-Right now is a good time to find out if you or she has an allergy to latex/lubricant/etc. If you haven't handled any of the sex products you'll be using, do so and see if there's a problem. There are way too many stories of "I found out I was allergic to latex on my honeymoon." Don't be one.
Living together:
-There aren't little fairies that come and keep house while you're sleeping, so pull your share. Talk to each other about what each person's tasks will be and divide them up as you see fair. Make sure you do your own jobs in a timely fashion. Having to nag someone is just as horrible as being nagged - no one likes it.
-Keep your eyes open. Notice the things she does for you, even if it's just routine stuff. Don't be afraid to say "Thanks for doing the laundry" or whatever. Let her know that you notice what she does for you and appreciate it, that can go a long way.
-Learn to say you're sorry. Arguments are going to happen, that's life. Being able to apologize is important, and it opens up the avenue for communication.
On finances:
-Discuss budgets. Talk about how much should be spent on household things, how much should be spent on toys together, how much should be spent on toys for yourself, etc. My husband and I each have our own little "entertainment budget" just for us that we set aside to spend however we like - anything from games to books to special chocolate treats, etc. We also have a joint budget for entertainment that we spend on movies, games we both want, and so on. Your plan should be whatever works best for you, but have a plan.
-Discuss payments. Decide who is going to be responsible for paying the bills. Even if it's all coming out of the same bank account, someone has to be the one to make sure the payments are made. Make sure you have worked out who does what - maybe one of you will handle all of the bill paying, or maybe you'll each handle some, whatever is fine, but make sure you know who should be doing what.
Most of all, just remember that you love this woman, and never let yourself forget why you married her in the first place. Best of luck to you.
The "I don't care" point is especially valid during wedding planning. I know you don't give two shits about what font the dinner menu is going to be in, but if your significant other gives you a choice, just fucking pick one :P
Also, the best advice I can give you about the wedding?
Elope and spend the money on a huge reception/party for friends and family. My wife wanted a traditional wedding. We spent months planning it. A week after the wedding... she admits that we should have eloped. Planning a traditional wedding is hard work and the payoff is so small. Go to Vegas, have Elvis marry you, be done with it. It's for the best.
Hahaha, bit too late for that. The in-laws-to-be would kill us.
I figured as much, but it's an obligation for all married folk to say it.
Oh, if your wedding planner (if you're using one) is any good, she'll have everything at the reception planned for you down to the minute. Because of this, you can expect to not eat at your own reception. You'll get to watch everyone else eat your food, but the most you can expect is the cake your wife will smash in your face. Obviously there are exceptions to this rule, but most of my married friends had the same experience my wife and I did in that you just don't have time to eat at your reception because you're too busy talking to guests and doing all the traditional wedding reception stuff.
I think "don't go to bed angry" is a good idea, but keep in mind that when you're tired, the argument will (sometimes) end up having you. Make sure you can figure out what you're actually arguing about. Ask that question directly if you can't answer it. Often it has nothing to do with what started the argument (I want to buy a poncho -> we are not communicating effectively). Sometimes it won't have anything to do with anything that one of you can change (you left a spoon in the sink -> I'm frustrated at work and inadvertently taking it out on you) -- if you recognize this is the case and you're the instigator, apologize, if you think this is the case and you're the recipient, ask, don't assume.
Remember that "don't go to bed angry" doesn't mean you have to resolve the argument, you just have to be okay with each other. If you've got to the point where you're not angry but you still have a disagreement or a discussion, put it on a shelf to pick up the next day or whenever.
Seems like the hall's plan is to have speeches in between courses at the meal, so I'm cautiously optimistic that we will get to eat something, but the realist in me doubts that very much.
You're not the first to have suggested this, and I think it's a wonderful idea. The plan is to take a 5 minute walk at the photo area while the photographer either sets up or takes pictures of the wedding party/family without us.
Barring that occurring (the whole day will be on a tight schedule), we may slip out during the reception for about 5 minutes and relax.
They were recently married, maybe two months at this point.
She said "I want to lose some weight, will you help me?" He answered "Sure."
A few days later she asked "Will you get me the chips from the kitchen?" He answered "No, I think you should get them yourself."
This led to a huge fight. The fights got worse and she moved out. Why, you may think, over such a small issue? It's because they weren't understanding what was being said.
When she asked for the chips she was saying "I'm an adult and I've decided I want a snack, I'm busy now, will you please help me out?"
When he said no, he was saying "You asked me to help you lose weight, I'm being helpful by making you get up from what you're doing, ensuring that you really, really want those chips."
She heard "No, I'm treating you like a child instead of an intelligent, adult woman."
Thankfully, they went to counseling and are still married 6 years later. But yes, even tiny little missed signals can lead to huge bad feelings.
And I feel a bit differently about moving in with someone. When you live with someone you find out lots of annoying little habits that each of have, that are perfectly normal to the person that does them. And the annoyance may not be entirely "rational" to you.
For example, I always put away cookie sheets in the oven, that's the way my grandma did it because the cupboards were always too small. I moved in with a friend of mine and she blew up over this. Why? Because he grandma did the same thing, but she didn't have fond memories of the woman so it brought up bad thoughts in her. I started storing the cookie sheets in the pantry. The problem is, she didn't tell me this right away. She just moved my cookie sheets without asking. This annoyed me and I would move them back. She didn't tell me WHY until we had a fight over it. If we had talked about it at the beginning it would have saved us both some resentment.
So the answer to that is still talk, but the advice is - If your wife does something that you find upsetting, ask her about it. Work out a compromise. Don't expect the compromise to always go your way, either. Encourage her to do the same thing. Periodically, I'll ask my husband if I've done anything lately that's annoyed him, and sometimes he'll give me examples. (My husband is very passive, he doesn't bring up a lot of things voluntarily.)
Don't forget to be romantic, even after years. My husband will pack my lunch periodically and sometimes he slips little love notes into that lunch. Brightens my day right up. Or I'll surprise his with his favorite meal when he gets home from work, already plated and ready to eat. Little gestures men a lot, don't forget that when the new wears off and things start to get routine.
I could talk more, but I have chemistry homework to complete. Congratulations and remember to relax, it's not always going to be sunshine and puppies, but it'll always get better if you keep working at it.
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If you want to eat then sit down and eat damn it. I've never been to a wedding where the bride and groom didn't eat and this includes both buffet and plated dinner receptions. Any good wedding planner will make sure you're able to sit down and enjoy the meal you picked out and paid for.
I've been helping my sister plan her wedding (June 12 2010 , yep, the one that's 11 days away) and one of the biggest things I've made clear to her and my future BIL is that they will be eating dinner or I will force them to sit and do it. A busy wedding day is tiring enough without skipping dinner.
You won't be beating anyone anywhere :P. The worst part of the day, by far, is the time with the photographer. It just takes so long and doesn't really have any point.
Do you have any groomsmen? If so grab one and say "fetch me a plate of food that I'll like." Sorted. i suppose you could be more tactful about it if you like.
If your wedding is sans groomsmen you can likely enlist almost anyone to do this for you.