I think I might need help

Tobaggan

I don't think I have any friends.

(There's a TL;DR at the bottom - I just like writing)

That is to say, I made friends in high school and now that I'm in college, only regularly see a handful of close friends from that period. Of course, we're all connected via Facebook, but nobody interacts with every single friend they've made on there.

I of course have work friends. On the job I'm talkative and active with all my coworkers my age and indeed, see them occasionally outside of work.

And there are the friends of friends. People I've been introduced to who generally seem to like me.

However, despite being in college, I have made very few friends under my own power. I've always had the aid of something, whether it be work or having another friend introduce me.

This is not to say I'm an antisocial dork who barely knows how to talk to other people. I've been called witty, charming, fun to be around, etc etc by the people I am friends with me and I seem to be able to reflect that to strangers, but only when I've been forced into that position. That is to say, if in class the instructor arranges us into groups, I talk a lot, articulate what I have to say well, crack jokes and am a decent group member. I work in a bookstore, so conversations with customers are frequent and I am talkative and helpful to them too.

However, in any other context, where there is nothing forcing me to interact with another person, I usually end up alone and by myself. I shy away from anyone who approaches me, usually picking out some trait with them or myself that would keep us from being good friends.

I moved to the vicinity of the college I go to in the hopes of correcting this problem and meeting people, but after nearly a year, I seem to have failed. I'm writing this alone in my room as both of my roommates (close friends from high school) are off doing things with the friends they have made.


In the end, I think I'm really scared of social interaction outside of "safe" contexts like school or work, where I have to rely on only my own social skills (even though I know full well that I have a good arsenal of them). I never initiate things on my own, I wait to be invited or for someone else to suggest getting together.

I was on my way to meet some of my friends from work at a bar to kick off a "night on the town" and my heart was beating way faster than it needed to and I had a sick feeling in my stomach - even though I know these people perfectly well and they seemed genuinely pleased when I did show up. I experienced the same feeling nearly every time I went to meet up with my last girlfriend, despite having a perfectly healthy relationship. I have to build up my courage whenever I go to meet friends-of-friends without the aid of whoever introduced me to them. My assumption is that whenever I show up somewhere, everybody inwardly groans and says "I just invited him to be nice, I didn't think he'd actually show up." (And again, there's a part of me that knows that's ridiculous and untrue)


Cripes, that's a lot of "I"s and "me"s. So, what's my problem? Or do I even have one? Am I just getting twisted up about perfectly normal things?





TL;DR: I have friends, but I'm really scared of seeing them (or making new friends) outside of safe contexts like work or class, what do I do???

ceres

You have friends in classes? Study groups. They are a nice way to get to know people but still have a largely academic purpose.

Protein Shakes

Find hobbies. Join clubs.

Seek out individuals who are "social hubs" and become their friends. They can connect you to lots of people.

Corvus

Sounds like some kind of social anxiety. But for a person with that sort of thing, you seem to have a pretty good social life going on. :^: If the anxious feelings are bothering you, try talking to a counsellor, or psych.

Hell, you're in college, they probably have free or low cost counselling available.

tbloxham

Almost 100% of friends are made using social 'crutches', ie, reasons to have you hang out while you are still just aquantances. So find an activity and join a club which does it. It's pretty much as simple as that if you are a friendly guy in a group, you just need to find a group to join. Almost all clubs love new members, and everyone likes new friends, so go forth and join groups.

chromdom

For my own reasons, I am loathe to suggest this, but it may be better for you: consider joining a fraternity? Just throwing it out as an idea to chew over.

Nylonathetep

OP: that really depends on how you define friends. I'll use myself as an example.

1) Do anyone knows the real me? Almost understands me completely? None. That's soulmate level and quite frankly I don't have one.

2) Does anyone hang out with me almost constantly? Literally go out with every week? None. That's by choice btw because I'm studying for an Upcoming CFA exam... I haven't touch liquor in a year and I haven't gone one in the last four months.

3) Does anyone have my back when shit hits the fan? I'm not sure about other settings but definitely not at work. In fact the work environment I'm in now is like Melrose's Place where gossips are everywhere and everyone at least have their own agenda. It's a pretty scary place and that's why I'm writing this exam so I can get out of there and find a better job.

4) If there's an embarrassing photo of me and I have to have another person keep it safe, outside of your family how many person can you give the photo to? One. Perhaps that one person is all you need.

5) How many people Can I socialize with? Quite a lot. I can even socialize with my co-workers if I want... but I'll have to be careful not to step on any toes, or be involved in office rumors. I can generally strike a conversation with anyone easily by finding out his hobbies, likes or dislikes... but It'll most likely not be my hobbies, likes or dislikes... In other words feinting interest.

The TL : DR version is that you do have friends... but you are feeling the loneliness in our society. You can feel lonely in crowd because deep inside your heart you aren't there. Although the simply solution is to let people inside your heart... it's a risky maneuver and I personally haven't taken this step. I think meeting up people is fine... but you really need to find a place where you truly belong and where you can be yourself without the fear of being judged or discriminated against.

Cognisseur

That sounds like mild but possibly even clinical social anxiety. Even though your functioning really isn't that terrible I'd probably recommend therapy rather than the things others suggest like clubs and fraternities. See, my guess is that you do have some social anxiety but that you're also remarkably adept at compensating for it, to the best that you can. As a result you've had friends, girlfriends, and attempts to be social. However, all of these compensations do not reduce the anxiety, they just go around it. To get rid of that anxiety, I think you should see a therapist and work on it with him/her, rather than just more quick-fixes like joining a club.