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Girl Thread: Director's Cut

altoptimusaltoptimus Registered User regular
edited June 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
I have posted a few times prior about the same problem. I have actually already taken a lot of this forums advice about it.

A Quick Rundown, Meet woman 4 years ago, fall in love, first kiss and first everything. Break up last spring. A variety of reasons on both sides.

Since the break up I have tried to be pro active. I have lost 40 pounds, finished grad school, found a somewhat decent job, been very social with friends, went on a few blind dates, got my professional license, traveled, etc.

My problem is that this doesn't seem to be getting much better with time. I still completely love this woman. To the point that if she called me this second I would take her back in a heartbeat. I don't feel bad all the time just when I am not busy. I work out almost everyday in order to keep my mind off things. The break up also really shook my confidence to the point that I second guess everything I do. I realize this is bad so I have scheduled a first therapy appointment soon. Other than these steps is there any thing else I should do or steps I can take? Will this just take even more time than has already passed?

Also, I don't contact her anymore. We tried being friends for a bit and I just couldn't handle it. I don't want to be that guy who doesn't leave his ex alone. So any advice would be greatly appreciated.

altoptimus on


  • AvicusAvicus Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Maybe you just need to keep dating. I know a couple of people that were like this up until the point where they met someone else.

    I recently went through a breakup from a 4 year relationship and I know how difficult it is. Remember that when you think of her you are probably being very selective with the memories you are choosing. Most likely you are only remembering the good things about her, forgetting the bad things , and it makes you believe the relationship was great even though it wasn't.

    Avicus on
  • Inquisitor77Inquisitor77 2 x Penny Arcade Fight Club Champion A fixed point in space and timeRegistered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Therapy might be good, but generally speaking these things just take time. It's really great that you've lost weight and done all these other things. Seriously, big kudos to you for your accomplishments. Make sure you pat yourself on the back for these things. It's important to reinforce your own sense of value and self-worth, especially since you've chosen to do things that are constructive rather than destructive.

    A spouse is an integral part of your life, and you aren't going to just "get over it" right away. The truth is, you may need to find (healthy) ways to replace that relationship. Human beings are, after all, social animals. Have you tried finding more social hobbies? Even something simple like a running club or league sports can be a really great way to meet new people and build new (and not necessarily romantic) relationships. Go out and date, too. You don't need to find a new wife ASAP, but putting yourself out there helps your brain rewire itself over the long haul - you stop dwelling on the past and start thinking about how to proceed with the future. This may also be a good time to focus on maintaining existing relationships, whether that be family or friends.

    Seriously though, just keep doing what you're doing. Be constructive, find things/goals to occupy your time, and build new relationships. You're doing great! Keep it up!

    Inquisitor77 on
  • Sir CarcassSir Carcass I have been shown the end of my world Round Rock, TXRegistered User regular
    edited June 2010
    The first love is always the hardest to get over. It probably will just take more time. It took me a year before I was anywhere near functional socially, and probably another couple of years before I was completely over her, ie didn't think about her at least once a week. I tried dating other girls, but it didn't help me. You might have better luck there, I don't know. But it will eventually fade.

    Sir Carcass on
  • TechBoyTechBoy Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    I'm in a similar situation - my 3.5 year first-love relationship ended about 6 months ago - and I can relate a lot with what you're feeling.

    Up until fairly recently I was still madly in love with her, thought about her all the time, would have taken her back in an instant, etc. etc. You and I both know it's unproductive and unhelpful to feel this way, but we just can't help it. It's a downward spiral: you miss your ex, so you reflect fondly on some memory, so you miss her more, so you think about what you would do differently given the chance, so you miss her even more, so you fantasize about getting back together and how awesome it would be, and so on until you're a barely functioning unhappy mess.

    What helped me get out of it was to just write down with pen and paper the entire course of the relationship. From start to finish, as many pages as you need in as fine detail as you want. Relive it sequentially, cry as much as you need to, get it all out there but be honest. Write what happened and how you felt, but don't distort the truth. As you write, I think you'll start noticing strains in your relationship. Things that you two disagreed on, and ultimately, things that drove you apart or the relationship into the ground.

    For me, my ex broke up with me and I felt like I had been blindsided by a truck. Our relationship was perfect, how could this happen all of a sudden. But when I went back and really thought about it step by step, and I realized there were warning signs everywhere. I had stopped pursuing my goals and given away my individuality, our communication was crummy and we disagreed more and more, things had become really routine and I didn't put the effort in that I had used to, and on and on.

    Your situation is probably different, but discover the flaws in your relationship, realize that by the end the relationship wasn't what either of you wanted. It's unfortunate that things ended this way, and you can feel sorrow and regret, but take the lessons to heart and let go of the relationship. Learn from your past and your next relationship will be better, ignore it and you'll just repeat it all over again.

    TechBoy on
  • altoptimusaltoptimus Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Thanks for the advice, it is apprecaited. Also, the idea to write out exactly what happened is really good. I will start tonight. Thanks!

    altoptimus on
  • OnTheLastCastleOnTheLastCastle let's keep it haimish for the peripatetic Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    TechBoy's advice is excellent. I am getting over an engagement ending 8-9 months ago and I can really relate to what you both wrote.

    Trying to date new people just because your lonely is a recipe for disaster. Or has been for me. Even explaining to the last girl that I feel like there's just a big hole where part of me used to be isn't really understood. That I can't imagine putting that much effort into a new relationship.

    It's just taken me awhile to understand that not being over it even HALF A YEAR or longer is normal. At 4-5 months I went to a therapist for the first time to see if I'd just lost perspective on my own life (what you said about doubting yourself all the time was 100% accurate). Now I'm pretty sure we're all going to be okay and over it eventually.

    OnTheLastCastle on
  • oncelingonceling Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    You should look at the time you stopped contact with her not the time you "broke up".

    How long has that been?

    onceling on
  • Drunk_caterpillarDrunk_caterpillar Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    This'll sound a little simplistic, but in all seriousness I found that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Especially if you're getting over "the first one." Alternatively, enjoy being single and unattached. It's not healthy to need a relationship so badly that you need therapy to be happy without it.

    Drunk_caterpillar on
  • KrubicksCubeKrubicksCube Registered User regular
    edited June 2010
    Someone who was that special to you isn't going to disappear from your memory easily, nor should she. If you don't mind me asking, why did you break up? On whose terms?

    I think it's easy to remember how beautiful and great everything was in retrospect but remember the reasons you broke up with her. Something must have been going wrong enough to break up. And just because you love someone doesn't mean you worked together. I think if you know in your heart that the relationship wasn't working and it was ended for the right reasons or if either side just couldn't do it, it's maybe time to open your mind to the idea of finding someone else. That doesn't mean you have to date for the sake of it, just means that you'd be ready for that possibility. And maybe when you feel strong enough, open the friendship door.

    It seems a waste that two people so close to each other would lose that.

    But beyond that, and as other people have said, it's OK to be single. Especially if you feel that you have to fill that gap compulsively...that's not healthy. It's OK to be on your own and wait for things to happen. Maybe doing that will help you calm down about it all.

    First love is a bitch, and don't tell yourself that you should be getting over it quicker and better. It's going to be tough, but you'll get through it. Other than that, other people have said it better than I have...hope those vague suggestions of mine actually helped!

    KrubicksCube on
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