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Am I being a silly goose? (Relationship thread)
tinyfist
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I need some unbiased opinions here, and would appreciate any feedback.
I'm in a relationship with a girl with whom we've been close friends for about 15 years beforehand. Things are going extremely well, but there's one thing that bothers me.
She always gets extremely excited whenever we hang out with my best friend. She perks right up whenever he's around and lots of times he's got his arms around her or they're linking arms. Last time we were at a party, she fell asleep like that on the couch with his arm around her. She's very engaged when she talks to him. Basically it just seems like she's way more excited to be around him than to be around me. But we've all known each other for a long time and they've always acted this way around each other.
We had a talk about it last night, and basically I told her that it makes me feel kinda shitty that it seems like she's always way more excited about hanging out with him than with me. I asked her if she could tone it down a bit when we're all out together.
She assured me that there's nothing going on (which I don't doubt and isn't my point anyway), but that it's just the way they react to each other. She says there's no way she can tone it down unless she avoids seeing him (which she offered to do). But that's not what I want, I just want the overly playful and flirty attitude to be toned down.
She doesn't want to change because that's the way they've always behaved and no boyfriend has ever had a problem with it before.
Am I being unreasonable? I'm not trying to control who she hangs out with - in fact, it would make life much worse if I had to keep trying to keep my girlfriend and my best friend apart.
I'm in a relationship with a girl with whom we've been close friends for about 15 years beforehand. Things are going extremely well, but there's one thing that bothers me.
She always gets extremely excited whenever we hang out with my best friend. She perks right up whenever he's around and lots of times he's got his arms around her or they're linking arms. Last time we were at a party, she fell asleep like that on the couch with his arm around her. She's very engaged when she talks to him. Basically it just seems like she's way more excited to be around him than to be around me. But we've all known each other for a long time and they've always acted this way around each other.
We had a talk about it last night, and basically I told her that it makes me feel kinda shitty that it seems like she's always way more excited about hanging out with him than with me. I asked her if she could tone it down a bit when we're all out together.
She assured me that there's nothing going on (which I don't doubt and isn't my point anyway), but that it's just the way they react to each other. She says there's no way she can tone it down unless she avoids seeing him (which she offered to do). But that's not what I want, I just want the overly playful and flirty attitude to be toned down.
She doesn't want to change because that's the way they've always behaved and no boyfriend has ever had a problem with it before.
Am I being unreasonable? I'm not trying to control who she hangs out with - in fact, it would make life much worse if I had to keep trying to keep my girlfriend and my best friend apart.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
tinyfist on
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That said, I really have no idea where you go from here, let's see what others have to say.
And before the wave of comments comes in, don't take the advice of "Break up with her" too seriously unless it actually feels like what you should do. I say this because sometimes we have the habit of kneejerking this reaction.
Maybe consider talking to your friend. He's as much a player in this as she is, and you know him well enough.
Every guy wants to feel like they are the number one guy in their woman's life. So when a guy gets your girlfriend feeling great and amazing, it makes you wonder why you can't make her feel the same way. Which is only natural.
Now with that said, the dude shouldn't be touching her. You need to talk to him and be mature about it. If he gets offended then something is up on his end.
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edit: beated
Why shouldn't she tone down pawing and flirting with another guy in front of her boyfriend... pretty sure she's in a relationship with the OP not their "friend"...if nothing else, the friend should respect the fact that he's hugging all over his best friend's girl. Sorry, they've been friends for a long time, but that dynamic changes when you start dating someone.
Just because I used to be super flirty with my male friends doesn't mean I still do it now that I'm in a relationship. They know the boundaries, they know I'm serious about my boyfriend, and they respect that I'm not going to hang all over them and make the same kind of flirty comments to them now, but guess what, we're still great friends.
She, in my opinion, has not made it clear that she is serious about the OP if this behavior is continuing.
But that's just how I feel.
The dynamics of relationships change when a romantic relationship starts. I feel there needs to be some mutual respect given by all parties. I feel like the best friend should respect the OP by toning down the pawing and flirtatiousness, and the gf should also respect the OP by doing the same thing.
From the sounds of things, the OP has approached the situation fairly well, with talking to the gf, and seems genuine in that he doesn't want to tell her who she can/cannot hang out with. Probably the next step would be to speak with the best friend as well and voice your feelings.
I'm not saying you should walk around with blinders on, but you've known each other for 15 years...trust is a big factor, and insecurities infer a level of mistrust.
I have physical relationships with female friends - meaning huging, linking arms, carrying, wrestling, cuddling on couches, having them fall asleep on me, and even rubbing the tops of heads when that happens. Not all of my female friends are this way - only some.
I've also been married for 4 years and in a relationship w/ the wife 3 years prior to that.
Shes often in the room when these things occur, though sometimes shes not.
attack your insecurities head on:
Understand that you covet something..in this case it seems like you want her to act like for YOU how she does around him...understand what actions she does around him that you want.
Talk together....ask how she feels around him...what makes her feel that way.
Then start to emulate...try and provoke responses based on the behavior you want. You're going to find that making this problem better will involve changing yourself rather than changing her.
Hope this helps.
I don't know..part of me keeps thinking to that cliche saying that no guy really wants to be friends with a girl-they're just bidding their time.
Have you asked your gf how she would feel if the situation was reversed?
You clearly have issues with this, but the thing to keep in mind is that they are YOUR issues. You say yourself they've always been like this, you have no reason to distrust either of them, so what you are really grappling with her is your own insecurities.
Those are more important for you to deal with right now, because frankly, insecurity is a huge turn off and a quick way to end a promising relationship.
I disagree with this approach. This is between the OP and his gf. Suppose this guy hears him out and agrees not to be so touchy with her? How has that actually changed anything? Again, this seems to be addressing a symptom while possibly ignoring the root problem.
All you can do is talk with your lady and your friend and see what kind of arrangement can be made. Maybe get them both in the same room and just be frank but friendly about it. It's almost always better to be direct than secretive about these sorts of things.
And if your relationship is kickass, then it might be worth it to compromise on this one point. Changing behavior within the context of a pre-existing relationship is a big deal, and I'm not sure the reward of making you feel less insecure is in proportion to the work involved. Granted she could take small steps to make you feel better, like decreasing physical contact with your friend, but that won't get rid of your fundamental insecurities about her chemistry with him. Furthermore, if she has to start monitoring her behavior around you, it's going to create all kinds of tension.
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You are within your rights however to end the relationship if you do not like it.
That being said, there are certain people who are very very outgoing and "touchy" around girls. I have a buddy who girls cling to and laugh with and act like BFFs with. Yet usually they have zero actual interest in him as anything more then a friend.
Not everyone can be the center of attention / extrovert.
Plus, she sees you a lot more then him. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that.
Basically, your jealous about him and her getting along too well, which really doesnt matter. What matters if whether or not you and her have a good time together. Its going to be impossible for you to be as "refreshing" as an old friend she doesn't see as much.
But they could cut back on physical stuff...theres a bit of respect there that neither of them are showing you.
I've friendships that are more outwardly chummy or flirty then others, it is not an indication that I like/trust these people more then other friends with whom I have a more outwardly reserved relationship.
Which is why I said it's not a question of whether his feelings are right are wrong. But it's also a faulty assumption on your part that she doesn't care enough about him if she chooses not to change her behavior with this friend.
I can definitely understand this jealousy, but it's not really fair to ask her to change. You need to realize that you two have a different relationship than they do. As you're the one dating her, I'm sure there are things that you two do that she won't do with your friend. If you'd like your relationship to be more like theirs then that is something you and your girlfriend need to work at. Trying to make their dynamic change so that it is less exciting than yours won't help anybody.
The OP has to deal with these feelings however they may be rooted but at the same time his girlfriend should tone down on the touchy-feelyness...at least when the OP is in the room.
This way the girlfriend still gets to act this way (just toned down) and the OP isn't fully disregarding his own feelings for hers.
Don't go behind her back. You told her how you felt, and she told you how she felt, and if you go talk to the other guy now you're just going to look like a big jerk who doesn't trust her just because she's the same person she always was. She's not changed, he's not changed, you have.
I agree that their relationship is not really the problem here... yours is. You feel like you don't get the attention he does, or neglected in his presence, or something like that. Address that issue, because that's something you can talk about and not sound unreasonable. Stop making it about their friendship, because it's not about that. It's about her relationship with you.
I like this, it sounds like it could actually be your problem.
It also opens an avenue to a solution where you could get this solved without her having to change how she acts with friends.
Win win.
edit: Sorry, it was never said at all times.
The proposed solution (theoretical here) might be his girlfriend makes sure to give him a little bit of extra attention when around this particular friend. IE: Every once in a while (I don't have time metrics here, so let's not get picky about this) she just lets him know that she loves him or she hugs him randomly or gives him a quick kiss.
Takes all of 2 minutes at most.
What does his girlfriend think about it? If he doesn't have one, perhaps that'd be a good way to say how it kind of is weird.
I mean friends react to each other in different ways -- some are huggy, some are very touchy, and others don't like physical interaction. The constant touching is weird -- to me. But I feel weird tapping people on the shoulder. The two of them might find it perfectly normal and friendly.
Except the OP said that they've always acted this way around each other. He knew what their relationship was when this thing started.
It's not fair to tell her to change, no, but it's also not fair just to tell the OP to completely disregard his own feelings because she started doing this first.
Sometimes people should come to terms with their own feelings and realize that the world does not revolve around them. Perpetuating those feelings by pressuring the partner to reach a consensus is not mature behavior. At the end of the day, who is the girl in a relationship with and who is she sleeping with? That's all that matters, in my opinion. Once the OP grows secure in that knowledge, he can get over his jealousy.
He is entitled to some of her attention when they're out and about if he wants. You're allowed to ask for things you want in a relationship. She's also allowed to say no, but then you hit a roadblock like the OP did.
It's a question of precedent - If you as a couple like to split up at parties and meet back when you're ready to leave, then that's what you do. If you like to spend the party mostly together, then that's what you do. If you both want different things, you compromise. Maybe they switch on and off nights, maybe she makes an effort to spend some time each get-together with him. Either way, it's meeting in the middle somehow.
I had a similar problem, and every couple times we went out, my girlfriend would choose to sit and enjoy the activities with me. Mind you, it wasn't even 50/50 (maybe 1/4), just every once in a while. It really made me feel awesome those nights, and it helped me through the other ones (especially with overlapping crowds and friends.) I think what helped me the most was that by leaving it up to her, I knew she was CHOOSING it, and not simply "well, it's my turn this night."
This puts the control with her, while at the same time easing your... I don't know what to call it - jealousy? It sounds bad, but it's a healthy craving for attention from your loved one. It's like, you want her to not just give you attention when you're the only option (alone at home). You'd like her to CHOOSE you occasionally. It's an ego thing, and you shouldn't be afraid to admit to having a healthy ego.
I agree with some people saying nothing's to be done, but I'm offering my advice from someone who still couldn't just let it go. It's really not the end of the world to try and work on things as long as she's willing.
What she ISN'T willing to do (and rightfully so) is change her current behavior around her friend.
You notice things in different ways, both over time and as your relationships with people change. I've done a lot of things I didn't think twice about until someone mentioned it to me. I had no clue how to separate whites from an egg (nor why you'd want to), and then my wife bought a tool. Then someone mentioned how you can do it in the shell, as well. For a less abstract example, I love the feel of soft skin -- faces, stomach area, upper thighs -- and will often touch my wife in these places to show affection.
After doing this for years, she finally got really pissed off at me and told me that she hates it when I touch her stomach. I told her from the beginning that I'm a touchy-feely guy but she said essentially that she can't change her feelings about it. It doesn't matter that it's how I've always felt and that with my past girlfriends it was never an issue, and it didn't matter that it hadn't been a problem for the first years of our relationship.
Shit changes. These 3 people have been friends for 15 years, which I assume means starting in childhood. Just because you've always done something doesn't give you a free pass to keep doing it; relationships change, emotions change. Maybe no other boyfriend made a big deal about it, or maybe it's the reason her ex boyfriends became exes.
I'm usually all aboard the self-actualization train, but this time I think it's a bit more than just his perspective at fault. The general nature of relationships implies a certain level of exclusivity, and if the lady is not following that then there may be a problem. Now, I'm not saying she shouldn't do whatever she wants, but if she knows and understands the anxiety she is causing her boyfriend, one would think that most people would tone it down a bit for the sake of her partner and their relationship. It's a respect thing.
It's also not possible for people to have feelings for another person when they are in a relationship.
There is more to a relationship than just sleeping together.
Bottom line is this: if the OP is uncomfortable with something his girlfriend does, he should talk to her about it. Period. That's what you do in a relationship, whether the problem is silly or not.
He did that! That's great. She offered a solution, but the OP is uncomfortable with said solution.
So, it seems to me that the real problem is that the OP doesn't know what he wants. He is uncomfortable with her current behavior, but is also uncomfortable with her actually changing her behavior for him.
Looks like he has to decide what he really wants and proceed from there.
Is this supposed to be sarcasm?