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Behaving Irrationally Part Deux
Mim
I prefer my lovers…dead.Registered User regular
I prefer my lovers…dead.Registered User regular
Old thread: Behaving Irrationally Part Un
A bit of background and update:
Fast forward to a bit ago, I checked my old e-mail account to find that they had written me. Olga sent me an e-mail not discussing anything we had talked about before, but wishing me happy birthday...on the wrong day. Which ticked me off because for 7 years she's known my birthday and in order to make nice, she decided to do it on the wrong day. Then Dan sent an e-mail stating he had forgotten about me but that his impending graduation made him remember me and he decided to write.
I had been good about not going on their Facebooks, but then last night I had a major relapse and found out that Olga was in a relationship with a girl and that started 2 days after she wished my "Happy Birthday" after saying she didn't want one, and that Dan had an active social life. No indications of being missed or anything. But I wasn't upset Dan moved on, or that they didn't mention missing me at all (not till later anyways), but that Olga was in a relationship.
Since finding out she was in a relationship, I've cried, I couldn't sleep and I feel like someone hit me in the abdomen with a ton of bricks. I know people suggested that I might have feelings for Olga and I shot them down initially but people in my own life have suggested the same thing. How do I know if that is what it is?
Also, how do I stop hurting and just forget about them? I don't have my facebook account anymore, I went on my sister's. I asked her to delete them but she said she wouldn't and they're not even friends, they added her after I asked them not to.
What do I do?
A bit of background and update:
Well, since the old thread, I told my friend how I was feeling around October because it has still been bothering me since my last post in the thread (which was July). I was upset with her and figured it was about her sexuality, but then a week or two after my last post my dog had passed away unexpectedly. I had posted on Facebook what happened, as it was early in the morning and none of my friends were awake. She saw that I posted that (she left a short comment), but didn't talk to me for awhile. When she did talk to me next it was about her sexuality again. No "How are you holding up" questions, just about her sexuality, which I obliged but it left me even more angry.
When she talked about me to our mutual friend, it was more about how I was dealing with her sexuality than how I was holding up with the loss of my dog. Eventually, we got into an argument about feminism, where we were basically saying the same thing but she was talking about how I didn't understand feminism and that my school didn't teach me about the patriarchy society as well as they should have. I became fed up and told her everything I was feeling. How I was angry on how she dealt with my dog's death, and her telling our mutual friend (Let's call him Dan) all these details but not telling me anything (before she found out I was having issues).
Instead, she deflected and started talking about how I was emotionally closed off and that it was my fault she didn't contact me. That she was labeless and not looking for a relationship with anyone and that her problems of finding someone who wasn't taken didn't just extend to men but women too.
Either way, the e-mail correspondence didn't end well. She started forwarding my e-mails to Dan without letting me know before hand under the guise that we "share everything", and then Dan wrote me saying that I was being overly dramatic (something he says whenever I open up to him, despite his common complaint being "You don't open up enough") and that I needed to get over, let's call her Olga, Olga not being there for me when Harvey died.
I asked to be left alone but I was still expecting her to respond to my e-mail. She then said she'd write Dan a private letter (as in one I couldn't see) but continued to share what we were talking about with him. By then, I had enough and just stopped writing.
When she talked about me to our mutual friend, it was more about how I was dealing with her sexuality than how I was holding up with the loss of my dog. Eventually, we got into an argument about feminism, where we were basically saying the same thing but she was talking about how I didn't understand feminism and that my school didn't teach me about the patriarchy society as well as they should have. I became fed up and told her everything I was feeling. How I was angry on how she dealt with my dog's death, and her telling our mutual friend (Let's call him Dan) all these details but not telling me anything (before she found out I was having issues).
Instead, she deflected and started talking about how I was emotionally closed off and that it was my fault she didn't contact me. That she was labeless and not looking for a relationship with anyone and that her problems of finding someone who wasn't taken didn't just extend to men but women too.
Either way, the e-mail correspondence didn't end well. She started forwarding my e-mails to Dan without letting me know before hand under the guise that we "share everything", and then Dan wrote me saying that I was being overly dramatic (something he says whenever I open up to him, despite his common complaint being "You don't open up enough") and that I needed to get over, let's call her Olga, Olga not being there for me when Harvey died.
I asked to be left alone but I was still expecting her to respond to my e-mail. She then said she'd write Dan a private letter (as in one I couldn't see) but continued to share what we were talking about with him. By then, I had enough and just stopped writing.
Fast forward to a bit ago, I checked my old e-mail account to find that they had written me. Olga sent me an e-mail not discussing anything we had talked about before, but wishing me happy birthday...on the wrong day. Which ticked me off because for 7 years she's known my birthday and in order to make nice, she decided to do it on the wrong day. Then Dan sent an e-mail stating he had forgotten about me but that his impending graduation made him remember me and he decided to write.
I had been good about not going on their Facebooks, but then last night I had a major relapse and found out that Olga was in a relationship with a girl and that started 2 days after she wished my "Happy Birthday" after saying she didn't want one, and that Dan had an active social life. No indications of being missed or anything. But I wasn't upset Dan moved on, or that they didn't mention missing me at all (not till later anyways), but that Olga was in a relationship.
Since finding out she was in a relationship, I've cried, I couldn't sleep and I feel like someone hit me in the abdomen with a ton of bricks. I know people suggested that I might have feelings for Olga and I shot them down initially but people in my own life have suggested the same thing. How do I know if that is what it is?
Also, how do I stop hurting and just forget about them? I don't have my facebook account anymore, I went on my sister's. I asked her to delete them but she said she wouldn't and they're not even friends, they added her after I asked them not to.
What do I do?
Mim on
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3DS FC: 5343-7720-0490
I'm 22. Dan is 21 and Olga is 22.
And before anyone advises "Her sexuality has nothing to do with you" I KNOW this. I tried to steer the questions away from someone being able to respond in that manner, but it still comes up.
This continuing problem seems to be growing out of control if you are crying so much you can't sleep.
3DS FC: 5343-7720-0490
And have you stopped the antidepressants recently? Because reaction to withdrawal can exacerbate a lot of these depressive and anxious feelings, especially if you stopped cold and without a taper-off period.
So yeah, get thee to a counselor you trust for as long as it takes, good luck.
I don't want to claim that I am a completely stable individual now, because that is something that takes effort. It's not easy to move on and there are always things that might remind you of your past (as I wrote this sentence the eyes of someone I used to love flash before my mental eye for a second). Moving on is easier said than done and there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help for these kind of things. I didn't, people I know did... in the end a shrink is someone who can help you and if you can afford it you might as well give it a shot.
Also, keeping active and meeting new people is probably the only long-term way to stop yourself from thinking about your past. There ought to be something in the present or in the future to keep you from thinking about the past.
I think THEPAIN73 has the most sensible advice and please don't see my post as anything other than the point of view of one individual.
*e: if you have trouble applying yourself to therapy you should try to get help from others to force you to keep going. Family, friends, neighbours or co-workers...you don't even have to tell them what's up exactly, just ask them to keep reminding you to visit the sessions even when you don't feel like it.
but everyone is right, you need to stick with therapy just like anti-depressants, and work it out with the doc how to wean yourself off.
No, I haven't stopped anti-depressants. I just remember someone mentioning that in a previous thread.
Well, beyond forgetting them (if only the machine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind existed!), how do I know if I did have feelings for Olga or something else?
I'm trying to not dwell, but I am. I'm just really hurt, and this is frustrating. I don't want to be homophobic and I might be equating homosexuality with abandonment/change in personality for the worse. Because that is what happened when people came out of the closet. But at the same time, this is the second time this has happened and the first time it happened it was with someone I liked. I'm still unsure why its happening again, which is why I asked how do I know if I liked her in that way.
You go see a trained professional who are experts at figuring this kind of thing out. Obviously H/A advice didn't do you that much good if a simple email has set you off again.
As for you, yes this is an excuse for you to rationalize your abandonment. Frankly, and I mean this in the kindest way I can put it, move on. She's going to live her life and your going to live yours. Focus on what makes you happy and eventually you'll come to terms with it. Seeking professional help is good, especially if it helps you indentify what's really bothering you.
Oh, I don't talk to them anymore. They e-mailed me but I didn't respond and my sister left her facebook account open which was how I was able to see their accounts. I keep asking my sister to de-friend them considering they're not friends and Dan added her after he and I stopped talking, but she refuses.
Oh, fake edit: Sister finally deleted them and let me watch. Though she bet $200 that I'd become friends with them again. But considering they don't even miss me, and I'm possibly going through a sexual orientation crisis (if that is what this is) I think I'll win that bet.