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So, meeting women
CrossBuster
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'm 22 years old, and in law school. For the most part, I'd say I'm pretty well-adjusted. I get good grades, and have a decent number of friends at school.
The problem is that I'm terrible at meeting new people. When I'm at a bar or party with people I don't know, I'm miserable. On the rare occasion where somebody (male or female) actually bothers to talk to me, I'm always scared that I'll say something stupid or embarrassing, and clam up. As a result of this, people who don't know me end up thinking I'm weird or stuck up, and have no reason to give me a second thought. I've been like this as long as I can remember.
Anyway, I guess you could say I'm going through my "quarter-life crisis" (if there is such a thing). I'm finding myself consumed with the thought that I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone. This fear is irrational, but it's there nonetheless.
I've been in one serious relationship in my life, and have had a few flings. Those were definitely the exception. I haven't been in anything resembling a relationship for over a year.
Ironically, most of my friends are female. I think the problem is that I'm afraid to assert myself, and end up getting filed under "nice guy." Additionally, I'm reasonably good-looking, my friends say I'm really witty and funny, and I think, in general, I'm an alright guy. Basically, I have no good reason to be as insecure as I am. Yet, here we are.
I'm wondering if anyone has had similar problems, and how they've dealt with them, or if anyone has any suggestions on how to get over a fear of social situations.
The problem is that I'm terrible at meeting new people. When I'm at a bar or party with people I don't know, I'm miserable. On the rare occasion where somebody (male or female) actually bothers to talk to me, I'm always scared that I'll say something stupid or embarrassing, and clam up. As a result of this, people who don't know me end up thinking I'm weird or stuck up, and have no reason to give me a second thought. I've been like this as long as I can remember.
Anyway, I guess you could say I'm going through my "quarter-life crisis" (if there is such a thing). I'm finding myself consumed with the thought that I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone. This fear is irrational, but it's there nonetheless.
I've been in one serious relationship in my life, and have had a few flings. Those were definitely the exception. I haven't been in anything resembling a relationship for over a year.
Ironically, most of my friends are female. I think the problem is that I'm afraid to assert myself, and end up getting filed under "nice guy." Additionally, I'm reasonably good-looking, my friends say I'm really witty and funny, and I think, in general, I'm an alright guy. Basically, I have no good reason to be as insecure as I am. Yet, here we are.
I'm wondering if anyone has had similar problems, and how they've dealt with them, or if anyone has any suggestions on how to get over a fear of social situations.
CrossBuster on
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Decide that you are going to do something before you arrive. Something simple, something defining. An example for a house party: Bring an aquired taste liquor, and find three people willing to have a shot of it with you. You could do this through casual inquiry, announcement, wingmen - the road is up to you. All that matters is to have a goal that will inevitably involve those around you. With your mind on your task, instead of on yourself, your natural personality will come to the forefront, and people will see who you are.
Watch for the rituals of others, and join in them. Be a facilitator for the conversations and motivations of others. Be flexable, adaptable, and understanding. Your fear is their fear, and they feel it through you. If you take in what they offer, what they say or do with a good heart, then they will grant you the same leeway. If you are open, then they will be open.
Remember that people are brought together through a joined purpose. If your purpose is inside of you, and you keep that guarded, then how can anyone join with you? True delight and real purpose are found outside of ourselves. When we look to accomplish something for others instead of ourselves, then others can join with us in acheiving those goals.
In a new place, don't look inside yourself to find something others can do for you, but instead look around with open eyes to find what other people are trying to do around you and help them do it. With eyes out, you will stop thinking about yourself and how you feel, and your new friends will simply be there.
Raven said, "Good start".
Talking to some girl friends the other day, they said something I've been thinking for the past few months and it's that I've just been going out with the wrong girls and that I'd probably quite enjoy a relationship with someone that's right for me. Of course, I'm also now in the position where I'm mentally unable to sincerely relate to a girl because of the way I've been for the past five or six years and that, coupled with my nervousness in social situations and general lack of confidence with the opposite sex, is making meeting girls or perusing relationships with ones I know and like extremely hard.
I used to describe this situation as a quarter-life crisis too and people thought I was joking. But I think it's a serious condition when you're on the edge of true adulthood and you've not shaped into the person you wanted to be before being pushed into it.
At some point, though, I just thought to myself "fuck it, I'm just gonna go out with some girls, chat and talk and have fun. It's better than sitting at home all the time. I'm not even gonna worry if they call back or if they're boring."
I ended up going out with like 4 cool girls in the course of a month, one of which is now my wife. I met them all through online sites, though -- at the time, there was a free college-oriented site that also had free personals.
To me, I could never just chat up random people. Too awkward, and there's enough I'm generally cynical about that I can't just enter a potential relationship with someone entirely random. For me, the online stuff established a base of knowledge that not only assured me "hey, this chick isn't psycho and bland" but also gave both of us a nice ground-level knowledge of each other's interests. The first date ends up semi-blind as you've never met the person (but hopefully seen a picture) but you're rarely starved for conversation.
Of course, in my experience that only works if you don't chat online for months, and push to actually GO OUT and meet right away.
I've been very much against online dating in the past, it just seemed a bit weird, but it has actually become normality.
Maybe look for chats that are either for people in your local area or are topic related and about things that interest you or both.
And if you find a nice girl go for phonecalls and after that meeting in person soon.
Went through the same thing when I left school. Never that popular, socially shy, but attractive, witty, etc, when comfortable. Decided to change this because 1) girls, 2) girls, 3) etc.
Essentially, I spent two years - the last two I was at school - mixing with some guys who were good at the popularity / confidence thing, and watched & learned. Then when I left school, I dropped pretty much everyone I knew (because I didn't like them much anyway), went off and made a completely new person. First experiment in this was going to the US for 6 months, where I introduced myself essentially playing a role - some popular random British guy etc etc, and it worked a charm. Getting to know people, in these circumstances, literally required walking up to groups of complete strangers on the street, or in some gathering, and introducing myself - this shat me up more than anything else in my life, but it worked. The key is to never show fear
Basic tips
Be friendly, SMILE! (obvious). If in doubt, smile more, you can rarely do too much.
If you have a quick wit, throw the usual social introductions / mores / how-are-you-what-do-you-dos to the wind. They are dull, and people switch off.
Nothing bonds two people quicker than finding a common hatred to make fun of. Keep it light though: walking up to someone and saying, 'i h8 teh blax, u?' is not good.
Focus in on an area you have in common as fast as possible. That way both of you will naturally be engaged in the conversation, and relax more. Don't be afraid to be passionate or argumentative, but don't be an overbearing bastard.
Learn to pick your targets. Work your way up. Start with those people who look fairly shy themselves, they will be desperate for someone to talk to them just as you have been. Don't head straight for the most popular girl surrounded by guys - that bear-pit that needs some practice (and by the way, is rarely worth it). Learn to observe the room without staring, learn to see when others are looking at you (tip: if you keep looking in each others direction, it's not a coincidence - go!)
Dive in! Simply walking up to a stranger and introducing yourself makes you by far the most confident person in that conversation.
Confidence tips
Mix self-deprecating humour with matter-of-fact confidence. When you are good at something, show it. When you have flaws, laugh at them. This highlights your strengths, and makes light of your weaknesses. It also shows great confidence to make fun of yourself, as long as you don't make the classic mistake of doing it too much.
When something makes you feel insecure, do that thing more. Essentially, face your fears, and they will fade.
Social confidence is solely what other people see. Having the physical confidence to climb a cliff wall is one thing, which requires you personally to believe in yourself. Social confidence just requires other people to believe in you. This is much, much easier to achieve, since they will take their lead from you. If you act confident, they will think you are confident. Once people think you are confident, you will feel more confident - very quickly it becomes self-reinforcing. You just need to make the first step.
If anyone picks on / makes fun of you, agree with them. If someone is being a prick and decides to make fun of you in some way, agree with them. Give them nowhere to go. This doesn't mean give in to them, laugh and hope they go away or let you in to their little clique. This means, in as calm but hostile a way as possible, you say 'yes...and?' to whatever they pick on. Give them nowhere to go. Act as if the thing they picked on - even if it is your single greatest insecurity - is the most inconsequential thing that you couldn't care less about. If you can, then pick up their most obvious flaw, give one comeback, then ignore them. Remember, a confident man isn't one who can fight back against any insult, a confident man cannot be insulted.
Don't be afraid to fail. This particularly applies to girls. Plenty of people simply aren't destined to become bestest friends. If you aren't bonding with someone, don't hammer it endlessly, let it go, talk to someone else. Don't think this makes you bad at socialising, etc - some people just don't click. If you really want to hit it off with that person, give it some breathing space, come back another time (preferably another day; repeatedly engaging with someone within one night or situation is a pretty sure sign you are interested in them. If you didn't hit it off earlier in the night, going back so soon will only make them distant & defensive.
In essence - in the immortal words of some bloke in Reservoir Dogs you have to shit yourself, then dive right in and swim.
Date 2Ls...