Single parent, dating, introductions etc

Improvolone

My son is 2.5 and I haven't dated much since being separated from his mother. In my last relationship I kind of freaked out about her meeting him, but then laid out some ground rules of "nothing physical between us in front of him". She was fine with that, they met, and it occured to me, "oh, he meets new people all the time, why the fuck was I worrying about this?" They met several more times, they played a bit, it was neat. That relationship ended and it doesn't seem to phase him because hey, he's 2.5 and only saw her as a new person I guess.

I'm in a new relationship now and we're coming up on "hey meet my kid time". I'm going to stick with those same rules as before, but I'm not quite sure that's even helping or if I'm just being paranoid. Granted, as much as we try we will never not fuck our kids up, but I get the feeling that holding hands or kissing someone (not making out of course) could kind of be weird for him and cause issues. I guess I don't want him to see me in multiple relationships for fear that this could do something bad somehow.

So um... how do I not fuck up my kid while still maintaining a healthy adult relationship with someone else?

Lucid

You will not fuck up your kid by having a healthy adult relationship.

Improvolone

Affection, that's the word I couldn't think of! I'm worried that showing affection in front of my son to other people that probably won't be around all the time will mess with him.

Inquisitor77

The fact that you care this much bodes well. Might want to get the opinion of a developmental psychologist/psychiatrist on this one? IANAP, but my first inclination is to tell you to just keep doing what you're doing, and to take things slowly. Also, don't push the development of a relationship between your significant other and your son. Let things develop naturally, and let them develop a relationship on their own terms. What you probably don't want is for them to form a strong bond too early (e.g., she foists all her maternal instincts on him in an attempt to make you like her more), only to have it completely disappear should your relationship with the woman falter. Your son has a mother - he doesn't need a replacement. What he does need is you, which it sounds like he has. Everything else is secondary.

And to Lucid's point - as long as you display a healthy relationship with your significant other, and you are mature and honest with your son (to the extent that he can comprehend such things), that's probably best. Kids learn about relationships almost entirely through example, and their most intimate ones are formed to a great degree by watching their parents and how they interact.

OnTheLastCastle

Seeing people engage in normal affection, i.e. a hug, a kiss, smiling, laughing, light touching (shoulder, hand, etc.), is how children learn social skills.

Don't you think it's more damaging for someone to not see an example of a healthy normal relationship their entire lives growing up than to see their father and a woman hug, smile and maybe every now and then kiss once on the lips in greeting.

I get being protective, but I am trying to give you another perspective. You are bringing in baggage when all the kid at that age will see is this is how people interact and show they care. Note: I tried to be very clear, but just in case... I am not advocating for massive PDAs.

edit: Yes, it is a good thing that you care. I'm not trying to come down on you. You sound like a good dad. I'd talk to someone professionally even briefly because I think they will back this up. A house should be full of love and a kid could pick up on it unconsciously if you're always acting off when there are women you're dating around.

Dr. Frenchenstein

as long as you aren't having makeout sessions right in front of him, i can't see him being negatively affected.

Kids are pretty resilient. Friends of mine have walked in on their parents as young children and they are healthy as the next person. As long as he understands that you and mommy aren't together anymore and it's ok for this new mommy to kiss daddy. that's the only issue i could forsee is that he feels the new lady is screwing up the chance of getting mom and dad back together. But he seems to young for that anyways.

dispatch.o

OnTheLastCastle wrote: »

Seeing people engage in normal affection, i.e. a hug, a kiss, smiling, laughing, light touching (shoulder, hand, etc.), is how children learn social skills.

Don't you think it's more damaging for someone to not see an example of a healthy normal relationship their entire lives growing up than to see their father and a woman hug, smile and maybe every now and then kiss once on the lips in greeting.

I get being protective, but I am trying to give you another perspective. You are bringing in baggage when all the kid at that age will see is this is how people interact and show they care. Note: I tried to be very clear, but just in case... I am not advocating for massive PDAs.

edit: Yes, it is a good thing that you care. I'm not trying to come down on you. You sound like a good dad. I'd talk to someone professionally even briefly because I think they will back this up. A house should be full of love and a kid could pick up on it unconsciously if you're always acting off when there are women you're dating around.

When I was little my mom was a single parent. Her attempting to hide her relationships from me actually hurt me a bit, don't make out in front of the child, but let him see two people being happy.

When he's older, explain the adult stuff.

noir_blood

Maybe I'm naive, but I figure long as he don't find you fucking, you're fine.

Reverend_Chaos

noir_blood wrote: »

Maybe I'm naive, but I figure long as he don't find you fucking, you're fine.

Classy.....

Coming from OP's same position, I advocate keeping a little distance in the begining, but there is nothing wrong with him meeting a girl that you are dating. I just don't think that it has to be a first date sort of thing. There is no point in introducing him to a series of women that you might date just a few times, but not get serious with. That's my two cents.

Thumbs up for caring. Most single parents I have met are way too self involved.

DodgeBlan

I am 100% sure that he is better off seeing you show some affection to a couple of different ladies than no affection to any ladies.

So yes, I think your son should see you holding her hand occasionally or whatever.

Bliss 101

DodgeBlan wrote: »

I am 100% sure that he is better off seeing you show some affection to a couple of different ladies than no affection to any ladies.

So yes, I think your son should see you holding her hand occasionally or whatever.

Yeah, definitely. Kids are very good at knowing when adults are hiding something from them, and over time they'll figure out exactly what it is you don't want them to see. You don't want to teach him that there's something shameful or wrong about basic affection.

Katherine

When I met Adam he had recently separated from his long-term girlfriend/the mother of his child. His child, which we will call Tim, was three years old.

There were rules when Adam and I were dating; but I think the most important thing was that I always knew Adam as a parent, and I always knew Tim as an important part of his life. When I started hanging out with the little guy we took it slow; I was careful not to fall into some sort of "baby sitter" zone in which I would be "fun" but not authoritative. I also made sure that all big decisions were made by or overseen by his father. (You want a cookie? Sure. You want to get your nose pierced? Ask your father. )

By the time Tim was five he was living with Adam and I. Adam and I had been living together for over a year and we had Tim during the school year. Everything went swimmingly.

Adam and I were married three years ago, everything is still great for everyone.

I guess my advice is to be honest with any girlfriends about your son. Some women don't want to date guys with kids... but then again you don't want to date those women! There are a lot of gals that have no problems with dating guys with kids. Furthermore most women know how to act properly; if something bothers you bring it up.

Also don't feel pressured to find "the one" just because she has met your child. You are still human and you may have a swing and a miss. Your child will understand that your friend will no longer be coming over, keeping any parental responsibilities away from your mate will lessen the blow if the relationship does go sour. It is a balancing act between maintaining a casualness in front of the child and also inferring that the new adult should be respected.... it is tricky but people do it every day.

I hope that my story helped; do not worry about showing affection in front of the child. Adults showing affection will not harm anyone! It is the line between 'daddy's friend" and "my new parent" that you should keep an eye on. So go ahead and hold hands! Kiss even! Keep it above the belt, use common sense.

Figgy

I'll echo the sentiment that you want to expose your son to healthy adult relationships. We don't grow up simply knowing how to interact socially with the people around us. We learn from our parents, peers, etc.

You already know what the obvious lines are not to cross, but don't be afraid to kiss, hug, touch, etc. It's not like you're bringing a new woman home every week and your son is going to think that's how things work.

Improvolone

I can always expect Internet strangers to tell me I'm being a total goose about things, thank you. I did not shy away from affection when she came over last night (well, no kissing) and things went great.
D'uh! Thanks again guys.

OnTheLastCastle

Good for you! Huzzah.