Am I wrong?

LeCaustic

I recently started dating this girl (read Cancer - mother with terminal cancer, if interested) and things started turning out good. I was trying to be nice because of what she was going through and not be the selfish ass I tend to be. Three weeks ago, things turn weird. I don't know what the hell happened, but after meeting her family, things turned. Her family told her they liked me, but it felt different. I went on vacation recently with my family and she finally told me, via chat (of course), that she has an issue with how nice I've become. How I try to make people happy and how it's made me a different person. She also spoke about how I had no confidence and changed. Okay, I figure it's probably due to my past (which I refuse to explain - tldr recent bad divorce) but I try to remain objective - am I being too nice? I realize I tended to not care about criticizing her actions because I enjoyed being with her, but I didn't think anything wrong with it. I was also trying to be nicer to everyone because I didn't even talk to everyone during my marriage. I made it explicitly clear that if I was being annoying/obtrusive, let me know. She did. Recently, things have become... frustrating. Ex 1 - Before my vacation, we arranged to have her pick me up from the airport when I returned from Florida. We arrived at my place and she only parked, not even wanting to come inside ( mind you - it was only to give her what I got her, nothing physical) saying "what, I'm not giving you enough attention?".

IMO - that was strike 1

I decided to brush it off (insert - be mature) and try to do something with her, which finally happened. We hung out and all there was -was constant attacks between the both of us. I was trying not to be as nice, but it seemed like a contest of who was meaner. That and her birthday was coming up and she flat out told me that she was going with a friend she didn't like, to a wedding she didn't want to go to. I tried to question it, basically reaffirm my belief that she was being a hypocrite. She was unwillingly going to something with someone she didn't like on her birthday - why would she do that? She definitely confirmed my suspicions - imo she was being a hypocrite - doing something she didn't want to do and not speaking up for herself only to make her friend happy. She only did it because she didn't say no (Actually, she did, but her friend booked a reservation for the both of them). Two things came to mind at this point -
Probably pertinent - she recently got a dog which has kept her busy
one - I wanted to hang out/do something awesome and asked if she wanted to come relax at a beach in Michigan. She refused to basically come with me for the weekend to relax on a beach with her because of her dog. I was fine until she told me about the wedding thing she was going to with her friend and no mention of the issue with her dog
two - She said no to the plans, and said she had prior arrangements with her friend to go to that wedding. I basically gave her a "get out of jail free" card and go to a fucking beach and relax. I even said the place would accept pets but she refused. Her answer? She would always choose her friends over a guy saying that if I couldn't handle it, I didn't have to be with her. Imo - probably the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

So, recently, I avoided talking to her for a couple reasons - research/work and because I didn't want to deal with her "high school" attitude. I finally talked to her, albeit briefly, to ask her if I could come over to bring back my 360 (need netflix) for the weekend. I didn't talk to her much, and promptly left with the 360.

End - She asked me what was up and why I wasn't talking to her much and I told her I was mad at her after I left. I told her I didn't want to talk about the situation via text. She flat out called me a jerk for it and didn't have time to deal with it until after the weekend (now).

TLDR - READ HERE What now? My reason for being nice is because of her situation and I feel she's taking out whatever frustration out on me. I suppose I can deal with it, but I can't deal with her hypocrisy. If someone wants to call me out on trying to be too nice to people, that's fine. But don't act like you're not doing the same thing, especially when that person is more blatant and has no legitimate reason. I don't want to handle the situation wrong, but I feel that I'm not doing anything wrong. I didn't insult her, I just told her I was mad at her and wanted to talk. I didn't talk to her for a while because I didn't want to say anything I would regret. Her friend comes off as someone who blatantly tries to bring her other friends down to her level and ruin their lives for her advantage. She's constantly dragged her (my whatever) to occasions to basically help that friend (bitch) get her goals (sex, whatever). So, am I basically in a situation that reeks of "high school" drama with immaturity at its finest? I will talk to her, but I don't want to say something due to her situation (mother with terminal cancer). She's a hypocrite and a coward, imo, and I can't stand that she takes her frustration out on me and tells me not to do something she does on a regular basis with her friends.

What the fuck?

FeatherBlade

I'd say... back off.

It sounds like she doesn't want to spend time with you, at least right now. So the best thing you can do is respect her wishes, as articulated by her body language and standoffish attitude, and not press your company on her.

You can do it subtle-like and slowly reduce the amount of time you spend with her and her family, or you can do it all abrupt-like and cease interactions with her that aren't work-related.

Despite your good intentions, you cannot fix her, nor should you try. When one looks at another person as a project to be completed, or improved, one will begin to do things to fix them, or rescue them from their predicament. This is asking for trouble. Don't do this.

When one comes into a bad situation and helps a person out of it, then turns around and asks for a romantic relationship, one comes off as manipulative and as a person who takes advantage of emotionally vulnerable people. This is asking for trouble. Don't do this.

Just back off and let the girl have her space.

If she asks you why.... just say that you thought she wanted to see less of you, and you are trying to accommodate her. Don't give her the silent treatment, and don't be rude, just treat her courteously, like you would any other co-worker.

LeCaustic

FeatherBlade wrote: »

I'd say... back off.

It sounds like she doesn't want to spend time with you, at least right now. So the best thing you can do is respect her wishes, as articulated by her body language and standoffish attitude, and not press your company on her.

You can do it subtle-like and slowly reduce the amount of time you spend with her and her family, or you can do it all abrupt-like and cease interactions with her that aren't work-related.

Despite your good intentions, you cannot fix her, nor should you try. When one looks at another person as a project to be completed, or improved, one will begin to do things to fix them, or rescue them from their predicament. This is asking for trouble. Don't do this.

When one comes into a bad situation and helps a person out of it, then turns around and asks for a romantic relationship, one comes off as manipulative and as a person who takes advantage of emotionally vulnerable people. This is asking for trouble. Don't do this.

Just back off and let the girl have her space.

If she asks you why.... just say that you thought she wanted to see less of you, and you are trying to accommodate her. Don't give her the silent treatment, and don't be rude, just treat her courteously, like you would any other co-worker.

Thanks. It seems like the more mature response than pointing out why I'm angry with her.

ceres

Maybe question how much you want the relationship. Neither of you are in a good place right now for different reasons.

Also, I understand that you're trying to be nice because of stuff going on in her life, but if that's not you and she wanted to date you, she might be trying to tell you that she liked you better when she thought you were being yourself.

Giving someone space and waiting for them to ask why (only to say "it seemed like you wanted space") is pretty passive-aggressive, as well. Just ask her if she needs the space. If she says yes, give her space. If she says no, maybe see if you can narrow down what the problem is. There is a chance that there's nothing at all wrong with you, she's just frustrated with her situation and she's taking it out on you. She may not even be aware of it, but it's really hard to yell at cancer and get a rise out of it, or pick fights with it in the secret hope that it will yell at you so you can yell back with a cutting insult and call it names and watch it cry.

streever

I would just tell her that you feel like the butt of her frustration and rage. Ask her what's wrong with being nice? Tell her you are nice because you have an expectation that she won't dump on you and vent her rage at you. Tell her you understand that she's going through a lot and you were willing to put up with some backlash but you definitely don't need to be criticized for putting up with her stress.

Tell her you understand her situation & think that both of you need some time off to cool down & resolve your problems.

Bionic Monkey

Normally, this would sound like a cut & run situation, but considering the situation with her mom, she going through an incredible amount of stress right now, and might not be thinking super clearly. Give her the space she's clearly indicating she needs, and make it clear that when she's ready (within reason, not talking months away here) you're there for her.

This is of course assuming you want to continue the relationship. Giving her some space shouldn't mean becoming a doormat for her. Just accommodating her during a very emotionally tumultuous time.