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would a relationship-related thread gay this place up too much? [NSFW?]
srsizzy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Warning, I think a couple of the things I'm talking about here might be NSFW? And preface: I know this is a HUGE post, but I have a LOT of appreciation for some of the people around here, and I feel like PA is a really mature forum and I've put a lot of weight onto what people say around here fairly often, so I felt I'd make the leap of faith and hope I didn't annoy anyone by posting this here. I could ask my questions in a much more cursory way (you can just scroll down to them), but the answers would be generated without much knowledge on this issue.
I have a problem with a best friend who’s trying to discover whether or not he’s bisexual and has feelings for me. There’s a HUGE back story on this, but what it breaks down to is that there is a long list of things that have gone on between us (we go to different colleges, and these things are very spaced out), many of which would affirm him having feelings for me, and many of which would make it clear that he doesn’t.
We’ve never had sex, or even seen one another’s dicks or actually sexually stimulated one another, which is a big roadblock I think in terms of how these things normally (seem to) happen (?). However, over the past two years we’ve been given literally a total of 5 weeks to work on this, both because of extenuating circumstances and both of us not approaching the other about continuing this after the first time it didn’t end well.
I’m going to put the whole story in spoiler tags, and then outline what it breaks down to.
1. He’s told me he felt he was in love with me, multiple times and under different circumstances.
2. We’ve kissed a lot, been intimate a lot, etc, and he’s always told me he “felt” that once he went far enough and broke through, he’d be able to express his real feelings.
3. When under the influence of weed, he made out with me, started masturbating, freaked out, left, and then the next day told me he was in love with me.
4. We spent some days with each other, went out of town together, but no progress was made because he was too scared to push through and felt it should be more gradual leading up to "it" or whatever.
5. Yesterday, we were fooling around, and he said he wasn’t really into it (though he felt he could go further, which doesn't mean he was into it), so the whole thing fell apart.
Now he’s saying to me that he didn’t want it to end after he said that, and he thought he should have calmed me down and told me it wasn’t over. We’re both leaving next week, and he’s going to China for a year, so the circumstances are REALLY fucked up in terms of me just being like “Okay, well, I’ll give you all the time you need to work this out.” I'm going to say: obviously I know that this isn't going to work itself out now, but I still want some advice and input from more people about it.
There have been a lot of times he hasn’t been interested in me sexually, the fact that we haven’t even engaged with one another sexually should probably say something about his feelings, and it’s been rare that there’s a sense of him really wanting me and wanting to be with me. But then there are these series of isolated events, mainly the number of times he’s told me he’s in love with me and that he “felt” he just needed to get past his fear of being gay and then would be happy committing to his feelings for me, and the couple of moments of physical intimacy we’ve had that have turned him on.
I mean, I juxtapose all the information, and I’m left with the sense that there’s something he’s not aware of as to why he’s doing all of this and what he really feels towards me. He’s telling me that he still can’t say 100% that he doesn’t want to be with me, but he’s saying that his sexual interest in me is not very strong—which he said before, but prefaced with “but I think that’s because I’m afraid.”
I ask: “You got past being afraid, didn't you? So what could be affecting you not wanting this now, if it’s not that fact that you just don’t want it?” And he says, “Me not wanting it to be true for... some reason.” If that reason isn’t fear, then I’d intellectually say I have every reason to commit to believing he’s not bisexual and does not want to be with me. What other reasons are there? Combine that with the fact that the pressure of him leaving the country for a year doesn’t seem to be, you know, making him desperately cling to what’s deeply true in his heart.
He says he wouldn’t have done this if he didn’t genuinely, 100% feel the belief that he wanted to be in a serious relationship with me. I don’t know, like I said, all of this information is really hard to reconcile. I know, totally, that from the outside it sounds pretty genuine that he doesn’t have feelings for me, I’ve known that the whole time we’ve been doing this—like, one can probably tell from reading this how self-aware he’s been of this apparent “fear.”
And so I have questions:
People who are in the closet about liking the same gender don’t act in such a self-aware, analytical manner about it, do they? Can they? That question would probably be impossible for a straight person to answer, though.
What sorts of reasons might there be that he clings to this as something that’s possible even when he doesn’t feel attracted to me the way he does with women? Why can’t he let it go? Can the feeling of platonic love be strong enough to make someone cling to this like he has for the past 2 years?
Can a person really be filled with enough internal turmoil and conflict that they don’t express their innermost desires in their actions, nor can they even know what those desires are?
Everyone generally says that sexuality is "fluid," many people suggesting that it can't even be considered a constant -- should I take that to heart here? Are a few isolated incidents of attraction and romantic interest (and then years of regret) an indicator of a deeper emotional desire, or is it more likely a "phase" sort of thing (growing up)?
I'm gay, but I feel like I could enjoy having sex with a woman -- not necessarily have the same deep feelings for one, but just enjoy sex with them -- so should I trust that this is what he's pushing himself into? If he could enjoy sex with me, and has a deep connection with me, is there some third element missing? Some "true love" element? (Which is hard for me to accept rationally/scientifically.)
I have a problem with a best friend who’s trying to discover whether or not he’s bisexual and has feelings for me. There’s a HUGE back story on this, but what it breaks down to is that there is a long list of things that have gone on between us (we go to different colleges, and these things are very spaced out), many of which would affirm him having feelings for me, and many of which would make it clear that he doesn’t.
We’ve never had sex, or even seen one another’s dicks or actually sexually stimulated one another, which is a big roadblock I think in terms of how these things normally (seem to) happen (?). However, over the past two years we’ve been given literally a total of 5 weeks to work on this, both because of extenuating circumstances and both of us not approaching the other about continuing this after the first time it didn’t end well.
I’m going to put the whole story in spoiler tags, and then outline what it breaks down to.
The first time we experimented, we didn’t get very far before he sounded certain he didn’t want it, so I moved on and let go of it—but he didn’t, and so when I contacted him 6 months later about it, he told me he was in love with me. That didn’t go anywhere because he was too confused to respond after I tried to talk to him about that claim, and then a month later I forced him to say he wasn’t in love with me (I really wanted/needed to have this out of my life)—this was last October.
Now we’re back home for summer, and after I approach him because I wanted to know if he’d gotten anywhere in why he did what he did, he tells me he’s never gotten over it, has constantly regretted the decision he made, is still confused, and has refused to come to me about it for fear of hurting me again.
Since then, we’ve been “experimenting.” The first couple of nights, it’s just hanging out, rebuilding our friendship as much as seeing what our relationship is, and he kisses me before leaving—though always ends up regretting leaving if I feel upset and like it wasn’t going anywhere. There was a lot of pressure because I wasn’t sure if I was going to still be around once he got back from a kayaking trip, so on the last night I was pretty upset, felt like it wasn’t going anywhere, so we both got high to see what would happen.
We go into my house, he makes out with me really intensely, and then moves away from me because he’s freaked out. Then he takes 5 minutes to work up the nerve to say he feels like he needs to come to finally be sure he’s bisexual, and as I hold him in my arms he’s literally shaking, he reaches in his pants—for reasons I don’t even understand at the time—and starts, well, you know. But I don’t react much, I don’t know what’s going on, and so the whole situation falls apart and he leaves (once again, regretting it).
Then, 12 hours later, when we talk about it and I’m upset saying I won’t be around when he gets back from his trip, he tells me, AGAIN, that he is in love with me. I don’t even respond, and he says it again. So, I love him like crazy, of course I’ll go see him again after he makes that claim—for this whole time he’s been saying that he “feels” it’s his fear that’s keeping him from acting like those words are really true. Later that night we were at my house after a party, and I ask how he feels and when he doesn’t respond I have a panic attack (which I attribute to waaaaaay too much caffeine that night), then he kisses me, says he’s so horny that he “wants to jack off and come everywhere,” and then he leaves.
Those are the biggest things that have happened that made me sure he had feelings for me. Nothing much has happened since he got back from his trip. We went to San Francisco to be together and experiment, but he never took action to actually sexually experiment, and most of the time I was feeling good about it because of the intimacy between us and him letting his guard down in a personal way. But we came back, having done nothing sexual, and because of that, we took one night that had all the pressure of being his “last chance” (because of how emotionally taxing this is for me, and I had an emotional breakdown the day after we got back).
So the yesterday, early in the morning, we take our shirts off and we’re lying down and touching each other and kissing a couple times, and he says he doesn’t feel like he really wants it, and isn’t really interested in it—he says all the fears and anxieties are gone, and he’s just not feeling it. These were almost the exact words he used 1.5 years ago the first time we experimented with this. I freaked out, pushed him away, argued with him for a bit and spent all of yesterday depressed—whatever.
Now we’re back home for summer, and after I approach him because I wanted to know if he’d gotten anywhere in why he did what he did, he tells me he’s never gotten over it, has constantly regretted the decision he made, is still confused, and has refused to come to me about it for fear of hurting me again.
Since then, we’ve been “experimenting.” The first couple of nights, it’s just hanging out, rebuilding our friendship as much as seeing what our relationship is, and he kisses me before leaving—though always ends up regretting leaving if I feel upset and like it wasn’t going anywhere. There was a lot of pressure because I wasn’t sure if I was going to still be around once he got back from a kayaking trip, so on the last night I was pretty upset, felt like it wasn’t going anywhere, so we both got high to see what would happen.
We go into my house, he makes out with me really intensely, and then moves away from me because he’s freaked out. Then he takes 5 minutes to work up the nerve to say he feels like he needs to come to finally be sure he’s bisexual, and as I hold him in my arms he’s literally shaking, he reaches in his pants—for reasons I don’t even understand at the time—and starts, well, you know. But I don’t react much, I don’t know what’s going on, and so the whole situation falls apart and he leaves (once again, regretting it).
Then, 12 hours later, when we talk about it and I’m upset saying I won’t be around when he gets back from his trip, he tells me, AGAIN, that he is in love with me. I don’t even respond, and he says it again. So, I love him like crazy, of course I’ll go see him again after he makes that claim—for this whole time he’s been saying that he “feels” it’s his fear that’s keeping him from acting like those words are really true. Later that night we were at my house after a party, and I ask how he feels and when he doesn’t respond I have a panic attack (which I attribute to waaaaaay too much caffeine that night), then he kisses me, says he’s so horny that he “wants to jack off and come everywhere,” and then he leaves.
Those are the biggest things that have happened that made me sure he had feelings for me. Nothing much has happened since he got back from his trip. We went to San Francisco to be together and experiment, but he never took action to actually sexually experiment, and most of the time I was feeling good about it because of the intimacy between us and him letting his guard down in a personal way. But we came back, having done nothing sexual, and because of that, we took one night that had all the pressure of being his “last chance” (because of how emotionally taxing this is for me, and I had an emotional breakdown the day after we got back).
So the yesterday, early in the morning, we take our shirts off and we’re lying down and touching each other and kissing a couple times, and he says he doesn’t feel like he really wants it, and isn’t really interested in it—he says all the fears and anxieties are gone, and he’s just not feeling it. These were almost the exact words he used 1.5 years ago the first time we experimented with this. I freaked out, pushed him away, argued with him for a bit and spent all of yesterday depressed—whatever.
1. He’s told me he felt he was in love with me, multiple times and under different circumstances.
2. We’ve kissed a lot, been intimate a lot, etc, and he’s always told me he “felt” that once he went far enough and broke through, he’d be able to express his real feelings.
3. When under the influence of weed, he made out with me, started masturbating, freaked out, left, and then the next day told me he was in love with me.
4. We spent some days with each other, went out of town together, but no progress was made because he was too scared to push through and felt it should be more gradual leading up to "it" or whatever.
5. Yesterday, we were fooling around, and he said he wasn’t really into it (though he felt he could go further, which doesn't mean he was into it), so the whole thing fell apart.
Now he’s saying to me that he didn’t want it to end after he said that, and he thought he should have calmed me down and told me it wasn’t over. We’re both leaving next week, and he’s going to China for a year, so the circumstances are REALLY fucked up in terms of me just being like “Okay, well, I’ll give you all the time you need to work this out.” I'm going to say: obviously I know that this isn't going to work itself out now, but I still want some advice and input from more people about it.
There have been a lot of times he hasn’t been interested in me sexually, the fact that we haven’t even engaged with one another sexually should probably say something about his feelings, and it’s been rare that there’s a sense of him really wanting me and wanting to be with me. But then there are these series of isolated events, mainly the number of times he’s told me he’s in love with me and that he “felt” he just needed to get past his fear of being gay and then would be happy committing to his feelings for me, and the couple of moments of physical intimacy we’ve had that have turned him on.
I mean, I juxtapose all the information, and I’m left with the sense that there’s something he’s not aware of as to why he’s doing all of this and what he really feels towards me. He’s telling me that he still can’t say 100% that he doesn’t want to be with me, but he’s saying that his sexual interest in me is not very strong—which he said before, but prefaced with “but I think that’s because I’m afraid.”
I ask: “You got past being afraid, didn't you? So what could be affecting you not wanting this now, if it’s not that fact that you just don’t want it?” And he says, “Me not wanting it to be true for... some reason.” If that reason isn’t fear, then I’d intellectually say I have every reason to commit to believing he’s not bisexual and does not want to be with me. What other reasons are there? Combine that with the fact that the pressure of him leaving the country for a year doesn’t seem to be, you know, making him desperately cling to what’s deeply true in his heart.
He says he wouldn’t have done this if he didn’t genuinely, 100% feel the belief that he wanted to be in a serious relationship with me. I don’t know, like I said, all of this information is really hard to reconcile. I know, totally, that from the outside it sounds pretty genuine that he doesn’t have feelings for me, I’ve known that the whole time we’ve been doing this—like, one can probably tell from reading this how self-aware he’s been of this apparent “fear.”
And so I have questions:
People who are in the closet about liking the same gender don’t act in such a self-aware, analytical manner about it, do they? Can they? That question would probably be impossible for a straight person to answer, though.
What sorts of reasons might there be that he clings to this as something that’s possible even when he doesn’t feel attracted to me the way he does with women? Why can’t he let it go? Can the feeling of platonic love be strong enough to make someone cling to this like he has for the past 2 years?
Can a person really be filled with enough internal turmoil and conflict that they don’t express their innermost desires in their actions, nor can they even know what those desires are?
Everyone generally says that sexuality is "fluid," many people suggesting that it can't even be considered a constant -- should I take that to heart here? Are a few isolated incidents of attraction and romantic interest (and then years of regret) an indicator of a deeper emotional desire, or is it more likely a "phase" sort of thing (growing up)?
I'm gay, but I feel like I could enjoy having sex with a woman -- not necessarily have the same deep feelings for one, but just enjoy sex with them -- so should I trust that this is what he's pushing himself into? If he could enjoy sex with me, and has a deep connection with me, is there some third element missing? Some "true love" element? (Which is hard for me to accept rationally/scientifically.)
BRO LET ME GET REAL WITH YOU AND SAY THAT MY FINGERS ARE PREPPED AND HOT LIKE THE SURFACE OF THE SUN TO BRING RADICAL BEATS SO SMOOTH THE SHIT WILL BE MEDICINAL-GRADE TRIPNASTY MAKING ALL BRAINWAVES ROLL ON THE SURFACE OF A BALLS-FEISTY NEURAL RAINBOW CRACKA-LACKIN' YOUR PERCEPTION OF THE HERE-NOW SPACE-TIME SITUATION THAT ALL OF LIFE BE JAMMED UP IN THROUGH THE UNIVERSAL FLOW BEATS
srsizzy on
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There's more I want to type, but that really should be said.
Him and I are so analytical that we've talked about this more than it would seem humanly possible, and I would respond to that sentiment with all of this stuff he's saying now about how when he's doing these things, he's like making himself do them for the sake of figuring it our more than letting himself do them because it's what he wants.
I actually finally got him to answer for what he did when he was high, and he said the reason he started masturbating was not because of me so much as he felt like it was something he should do to reach some sort of answer, and then he started saying he must be bisexual after he started because he thought that conclusion must be true if he was doing it -- I don't know, that's really convoluted to me.
As I've mostly just explained events more than the internal thought processes he's explained to me (though, those are always difficult to take at face value), it's possible that the events would suggest that it can't be platonic more than if you actually talked to him about it -- which might not even matter. It's so convoluted, I don't know.
Still, it seems like a lot of convoluted rationalizations after the fact. I can't think of how this must happen if there's not something deeper propelling it. I'm not saying he's definitely attracted to men, but it's definitely understated to say it's just platonic.
Either he's having a hell of a time reconciling his sexuality, or he has some sort of psychological issue. I know there are variations of OCD (Pure Obsessive type, iirc) that deal with very intrusive thoughts that can lead to incessant questioning of sexuality that aren't actually genuine, but I'm in no way a medical professional, so.
Which is why I ended with the list of questions. Even though I recognize this isn't going to be resolved any time soon, I'm trying to get perspective what people think is, you know, possible for a person to go through, perhaps relating what they've gone through or situations they've encountered.
What I can say however is there comes a time where whatever someone's issue is that you just have to say "enough". Is he gay? is he straight? Does he like you? These aren't questions you can answer. You can't coax an answer out of him either. Until he can answer them with enough certainty to do something other than bizarre stoned masturbation then the relationship can't progress. Words don't really matter.
So what you need to do is figure out what you want from him, and if he can't say (AND ACTUALLY DO) something similar then you go find someone else who can actually act proper.
https://medium.com/@alascii
That said, as the whole thing relates to you, I'll second DodgeBlan completely. It's a damn difficult thing to honestly know what another person really wants. Since you are both heading in separate ways anyhow, and especially since it's easier to work out one's sexuality separate from one's feelings for a specific person, it's best for both parties that you go separate ways anyway.
As for contextualizing the entire thing and figuring out just what to make of the whole convoluted mess? Good luck.
EDIT: I tried writing a post answering those questions, by the way. I didn't feel like I could provide very meaningful responses though. Some of them are pretty psychologically dense and I just can't say for sure on most of them. It's definitely very possible for someone closeted to be so analytical and self-aware about it, though.
Also, it's just a weird thing to walk away from this with this sense of him still being unsure, just because I'm pretty terrified I won't be able to psychologically move on to other relationships. That's tied up with other issues, though, and it might be that I just haven't put myself out there socially at college enough to run into someone I'd be interested in. But because I'm so socially slow and am dealing with a lot of issues of putting myself out there, I feel like in order to like go pursue another relationship, I'd have to put myself out there in a way that felt way too purposeful and throw myself into something that probably wouldn't be meaningful.
However, I have some good ideas of how to deal with that, so that's not totally important.
Some people start analyzing and thinking about their sexuality before they experiment or develop actual feelings for someone, others don't.
Personally I experimented years before I even considered I might be bi, I was way in the closet but on the other side of the spectrum, meaning I could and did perform sexual acts with other men as well as have intense desire for them without considering it wasn't exactly straight. Took a friend telling some other friends I was bi before it dawned on me that indeed I was. That said I still remain confused about it at times and doubt myself, feeling somehow inadequately bi.
Fear, lack of confidence, self-loathing and such things can push you far in the closet, but not quite keep you there.
Sounds like he geniounly love you on some level and have some sort of attraction, however it might not be enough to be in a stable relationship of any kind, especially not with insecurities added to the mix.
Yes, very much so, I come from a pretty broken home where I learned to hide myself and that having any kind of emotions were bad and should be suppressed, I also had some early teenage experiences that left me terrified of sex and sexuality so I ended up cutting myself totally off emotionally to the point were I didn't even know my own feelings on the simplest of issues. It has taken me 7 years to even start recognizing that I have these issues and honestly a lot of what your friend does sound like something I could see myself doing under the "right" circumstances.
Basically yes he can be speaking the truth about the feelings and desires he feels and still be weighed down by insecurity, self-doubt and self-loathing but tbh that is really not something you should saddle yourself with sorting out, rather he should get some professional help as it's unlikely any actions of his or yours will convince him one way or the other. Also there is the possibility that it all comes from some other psychological issue, basically he should get help either way.
So the whole point of this..
If you decide to pursue this, tell him that something needs to happen now, because it's obvious that it's draining you mentally. And if he goes overseas before this is settled one way or another it's going to be hell on you. It might be selfish, but you need to be very aggressive about something happening the next time you're together. And if nothing happens, you should probably not talk too often anymore.
edit: when I opened this thread there were no responses, so, sorry if this is outdated.
@Kealoha: Thanks for the insight there as well. Yeah, I was laying on that pressure for the past couple of weeks we did this, but in the end I don't think laying on that pressure is the most loving or compassionate thing to do for him. I know, in terms of ME getting over it, that was what I wanted to (and did) do, but in terms of the reality of the situation, no amount of my pushing has really gotten us anywhere. There's a level to which I feel my discussing it with him has helped him process it, but demanding he make a choice when he's not ready to make the choice has never really helped this resolve, and probably never will.
Well, reading the responses after I posted, it's obvious that you guys are pretty open about how shitty the situation is. Putting myself in that situation.. I wouldn't go back to it. But, I don't have the feelings you do, so obviously easier said than done.
On the other spectrum, just try to forget him while he's overseas, and maybe in that time he'll have matured and decided one way or another what he needs.
It has personally taken me over two years from when I first started dealing with this, to get as far as I am and I still often have relapses back to being confused, although they get less severe and easier to deal with as I get more experienced and self-confident.
I DO, however, have a TON of experience dating CONFUSED people.
My advice to you is "Don't." I realize that his head is all a-muddle right now, but life is really too short for this stuff. You seem to have a pretty good handle on what you like. Go find it. He will (intentionally or otherwise, the result is the same) jerk you around like this pretty much indefinitely, and from the sound of it you've actually become something of a security blanket for him; as long you take this from him, he'll never have to decide what he wants because you'll always be there playing doormat. This has been going on a really long time, and it sounds really unhealthy to me.
If he needs to go find himself or whatever... he should go do that. And in the mean time, you should move on.
Whatever the case you're clearly getting jerked around by this guy (and not in the good way :winky: ). He loves you, he doesn't love you, he wants to experiment, no wait he doesn't. Break it off with him . . . or at the very least, make it clear that you are not going to be exclusive to him while he's away in China.
cross the bridge when you come to it
It's very clear he doesn't know what he wants, so you should just walk away and try to move on with your life.
My advice would be for you to get over him. It sounds like whether he is gay or bi or straight he isn't in the right place to be in a relationship right now with anybody.
Really it sounds he needs to find a guy he doesn't know and just date him.
You two have baggage and it sounds like he is confused by it.
Tell him to figure himself out sexually and come back to you if he is still keen.
Satans..... hints.....
I think the problem is that society has said that emotion and sex are necessarily connected when they aren't. Could be that he just thinks you are a really great guy and is very emotionally attached to you, and this makes him feel like now he has to get sexy with you because society said so. Or maybe he is really into guys and doesn't want to get sexy with you because society told him not to. Damn society.
Either way, I think you should move on to something else and tell him to let you know if he figures it out.
but they're listening to every word I say
It's really hard for me, obviously, to think of ejecting him from my life at this point. The last time I did that, I grew so distant and so resentful of him that most of the time I saw him this summer, I saw him as a completely different person than who he really was and completely forgot my friendship with him.
But I guess it's out of my hands. I don't even think we'll have a solid opportunity before we graduate in 2 years to work on this thing again anyways, which is also really terrifying. This is something I've wanted since I was 9 years old, and the idea that he might have the feelings buried away but they're there makes it feel impossible to let go of.
I think I was a lot better off when I had come to believe that he didn't have feelings for me. I mean, with all this knowledge I'm gaining about how it's totally possible that he does, I feel like I'll just go move on with my life and always have this bit of knowledge in the back of my head gnawing away at me, which would affect any other relationship I was in, and life in general. Sometimes I feel balanced enough about this emotionally to keep him in my life as a friend, and check in with him and keep the dialog open, but there's so many facets to that that seem self-destructive and unhealthy, of course.
And I've shared all this information with him, and he's still saying he can't let go of this -- despite knowing he doesn't feel any intense attraction to or desire for me, and he can listen to the ways I feel towards him and know he doesn't feel the same -- he was actually considering going to China saying we're in a relationship AFTER realizing this is nothing like a relationship and that would be absurd. It's just so unbelievable that someone can be so cognizant of an issue but somehow their brain is so fucked up and twisted that they can't break through to what the intense desire/feeling is that makes them not let go of something like this.
But like you're all saying, it doesn't matter, I have no choice. I mean, even though I know that, I obviously can't just shut my mind off about it, so whatever. I kind of just hope he'll go to China, and after a few weeks of thinking about this realize that it wasn't really anything. After all my experiences with him, though, I can't ever make myself believe that will happen.
Like someone said above, I don't really know how to deal with the idea of not understanding one's own sexuality. I do have an example of a fear-related issue that's affected my life in the same way, I guess. I mean, I'm really insecure about making friends, and so I rationalize the fact that I don't make friends to mean I don't like people, and in the moment I tell myself things about people and about what I want that aren't completely true, and it has taken me two years to both admit that and do something about it...
So I guess I really can't blame him. I never really made the connection because I'm not really doing anything that hurts anyone with my behavior, it's totally personal, but I guess when it comes down to it, working through these things is 100% in one's own head...though it seems there have to be SOME external situations that help break through fear-related issues. I mean, people reaching out to me helped me a lot to make friends, and all it needed was one close friend telling my RA that I needed friends. I don't know what kind of support he would need to understand this though (the idea of him experimenting with another guy makes me really jealous and upset) -- I've tried everything I could.
Oh well. C'est la vie.
In future, don't let people treat you poorly. It sets a bad precedent for everyone involved.
You go to college right?
They usually have counseling for this sort of thing, and in my experience it is very, very good. Everyone I know that has been to the college counseling people has come back better.
but they're listening to every word I say