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GPIA7RGPIA7R Registered User regular
edited August 2017 in Help / Advice Forum
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  • RadicalTurnipRadicalTurnip Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    I would highly recommend coming up with a set amount she has to pay so that there isn't any hard feelings one way or the other. Either from you saying "she isn't trying to pay hard enough" or from her saying "He's making me use all my money one rent." I haven't experienced this, however, so this may be complete bull...it's just a cerebral exercise for me.

    Also, I just recommend sitting down and coming up with some sort of budget. Who buys the food? The water? The Electricity? The Trash service?

    Also, sit down and talk about chores. Who takes out the trash? Washes dishes? vacuums? Cleans the bathroom? What if one person is messier than the other prefers to be?

    Basically, communication and planning before the fact.

    Good luck on the living-together!

    RadicalTurnip on
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited August 2010
    When she comes to hang out do you guys ever do seperate things? If not you are both going to have to get used to the fact that you'll be around each other but you won't always want to do something with the other person.

    Sipex on
    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • WezoinWezoin Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    I wouldn't say you need to sort out an agreement on who does what in terms of every little job because she might take that as you being worried she won't pull her weight, and that could lead to disagreements. I think most people have a general idea of whats a fair distribution of the workload. Another issue having defined individual chores can lead to is say you need to go away on business/for whatever reason for a weekend, and the laundry needs doing but thats one of your jobs, either she does it and then you 'owe' her one of her chores, or she doesn't do it and it doesn't get done until you get home. Make sure you do your fair share, and hopefully she'll pick up hers, if she doesn't and it bothers you then mention it to her, but defining specific responsibilities in terms of chores will make her feel like you're treating her like a child and don't trust her to pull her weight.

    For the money situation, I'd say "How much do you think you'll be able to reliably contribute to rent/utilities/other bills, leaving yourself enough for entertainment (not as big a problem if you're the kind of guy who pays for dates, not gonna debate whether you should pay for them all or whatever, but if thats what happens then she'll obviously need less for entertainment), and your other bills (cell phone/clothes)?" and if you think you can make this work with that then good, if not then you'll have to try to figure something out.

    Hopefully you know her well enough to know how cleanly she likes to live, and hopefully you're about even in that category. Also, be prepared for any little character flaws/features of her personality that might bug you a little bit to be amplified. It'll probably lead to a bit of bickering early on while you adjust to sharing a living space, and learn to ignore the small things.

    Wezoin on
  • SheepSheep Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2010
    Don't blow up over small shit.

    Don't let her money situation be a problem in the relationship.

    Sheep on
  • WezoinWezoin Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    Sheep wrote: »
    Don't blow up over small shit.

    Don't let her money situation be a problem in the relationship.

    Oh yeah, I meant to say, try not to get too much into the 'This is mine and that is yours' mentality. I don't mean you have to share EVERYTHING (like a bank account) but a big part of living together in a relationship is becoming a unit. If you're getting married/close to it then start sharing bank accounts and whatnot, but for right now it'd probably be easier to keep your money separate so that you contribute what you want to her lifestyle, and she contributes what she wants to yours, rather than her feeling entitled to your money. Once you start getting closer to equal income it'll be easier to share a bank account, but you shouldn't until you're sure 'shes the one', just because if you split up its just one more thing to figure out how to split (Do you go 50/50, or figure out that you make %x more than her so take more, etc etc.)

    Wezoin on
  • GPIA7RGPIA7R Registered User regular
    edited August 2017
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    GPIA7R on
  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited August 2010
    GPIA7R wrote: »
    Sipex wrote: »
    When she comes to hang out do you guys ever do seperate things? If not you are both going to have to get used to the fact that you'll be around each other but you won't always want to do something with the other person.

    Heh, we've joked about feeling obligated to do things together when she's over right now, and that when we move in, we'll feel more "ok" about doing our own stuff (reading, gaming, etc).

    As far as expenses go, we've decided that we can split the utilities (gas, electric, cable) 50%, and the rent to a comfortable amount (right now, about 1/3). This helps me with any extra expenses, gives me some room to save some more, and leaves her with a comfortable amount leftover for her own expenses.

    We're pretty good about chores right now. She wants to do the vaccuuming, which is nice... (She has a very expensive Dyson, so I think she enjoys it). We can do our own laundry, and just set the dishwasher/take out trash as it needs done. We're both pretty clean.

    She's bringing her cat. I don't really want a cat, or like cats, but she loves this cat more than she loves me. :P

    We'll keep our own banks for now, until we get married, which will likely be while we're still in our 20's, but not necessarily any time soon.

    Learn to love the cat. I know people who drop their significant others like flies if they were in any way mean or hurtful toward their pets. If you let it become a point of contention you're looking at not-fun-times.

    Esh on
  • GPIA7RGPIA7R Registered User regular
    edited August 2017
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    GPIA7R on
  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited August 2010
    GPIA7R wrote: »
    Naw I like the cat, but I have allergies, so it'll be a bit of a challenge.

    She's used to sleeping with the cat, and I really don't want a cat in our bed. My compromises so far are saying "OK" to 1. The Cat, 2. The Cat Tower-thing, 3. The Cat on the couch. I'm hoping those are enough to keep it out of the bedroom.

    Ah, grab some Claritin. The cat out of the bedroom isn't a bad compromise, but you may find yourself on the end of some piteous mewing and scratching at the door for a bit.

    Esh on
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited August 2010
    This may be a key point of contention but how do you figure taking care of the cat will be handled? It's litterbox, feeding it (including buying the food if you're going seperate bills) and cleaning up the odd hairball or vomit.

    Sipex on
    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • GPIA7RGPIA7R Registered User regular
    edited August 2017
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    GPIA7R on
  • BlindZenDriverBlindZenDriver Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    GPIA7R wrote: »
    She's bringing her cat.

    A warning here based on a costly experience. Depending on what sound system you have it may or may not of concern, but if you do have speakers standing on the floor or speakers in a cat accessible location there may be trouble ahead!

    An ex of mine brought a long a cat when we moved in together and the cute little beast decided the cat tree was boring when compared to my speakers. It did a good job on the cloth and an even better job on a few of units in the one speaker - let's just say the cat and I was not speaking for a few days and I was out about a months worth of money!

    In other words - do try and think like a cat and take a good look around your place. It may not be speakers but then it could be something else. Don't panic but do make sure you notice how the cat behaves.

    BlindZenDriver on
    Bones heal, glory is forever.
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited August 2010
    Awesome, no problem at all then.

    I just wanted to make sure there weren't any assumptions on the matter.

    Sipex on
    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • DisrupterDisrupter Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    The not doing stuff together hurdle may be the toughest. Im currently in the midst of that after living with my girl for about 4 months. Fantasy football is really the first time I got out of the house all day without her. It felt weird.

    At home we are cool though, I play Starcraft she watches bad reality TV. Its just, going out without her seems...off still.

    Also, you will likely argue more. There may be a some strectch or so where you feel some oddness between eachother, talk it out, dont just let it fester. Me and my lady had that a month ago and after a few days of strangeness we just talked and everything was perfect.

    Disrupter on
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  • GPIA7RGPIA7R Registered User regular
    edited August 2017
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    GPIA7R on
  • nethneth Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    Get a decent air purifier for the bedroom. It will help you sleep better with the cat dander/fur not flying in your nose so you get stuffed up every night.

    neth on
  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 4 or 5 months now, and everything was peaches and cream before then, and I can honestly say it is now too because we talked about it ALL before hand.

    Also, let the little things go. If she leaves her clothes on the floor, pick them up and put them in the hamper, and then ask her to put them in the hamper next time. Fights don't need to be started, and tears don't need to be shed because of clothes on the floor.

    Also, if you do argue, talk it out like adults. try not to raise your voice, and don't go to bed angry.

    AlyceInWonderland on
  • MovitzMovitz Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    I will just say this, and it goes for every relationship but even more so in the beginning when you start sharing stuff.

    Talk, about everything that might be an issue. Communication is key. Even such a small thing as "I think it looks messy when the bed isn't made" is worth mentioning.

    Talk.

    Talk

    Talk
    Talk

    Movitz on
  • nuclearalchemistnuclearalchemist Registered User
    edited August 2010
    Communication >>> Everything else.

    nuclearalchemist on
    ~Eigen-fleichen
  • Dropping LoadsDropping Loads Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    Absolutely communication is the most important. We can all give you advice about how it worked for us, but you need to find a way that will work for you. Be committed to spend the time to customize your relationship. It's fun =).

    As for bills, my wife and I formerly split rent and utilities based on the ratio of our gross income (I made 40K and she made about 25k, so I paid 62% of the rent). It was a good way to feel that we were contributing "our share", and we didn't need to negotiate a new split when our incomes changed, just recalculate the ratio. We split food and gas evenly. Sure it's a bit nerdy, but you are asking for help from Penny Arcade =P.

    Dropping Loads on
    Sceptre: Penny Arcade, where you get starcraft AND marriage advice.
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  • chromdomchromdom Why do bad things keep happening to me? Oh yeah, because of the things I've done.Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 4 or 5 months now, and everything was peaches and cream before then, and I can honestly say it is now too because we talked about it ALL before hand.

    Also, let the little things go. If she leaves her clothes on the floor, pick them up and put them in the hamper, and then ask her to put them in the hamper next time. Fights don't need to be started, and tears don't need to be shed because of clothes on the floor.

    Also, if you do argue, talk it out like adults. try not to raise your voice, and don't go to bed angry.

    A lot of people say don't go to bed angry, but sometimes you have to take some time and just let the situation decompress overnight. I'm not saying if you're mad, you should sit on your anger, just that not everything has to be solved right now. Plus then you can have angry sex. :winky:

    chromdom on
  • MustangMustang Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    Communication >>> Everything else.

    This, also don't let things brood, get them out in the open early. Also don't be a sucker and pay all the bills while she has a freaky time with all her monies, some girls will do that without the slightest bit of guilt if you let them.

    Mustang on
  • ScrubletScrublet Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    That cat's gonna get on your computer desk, and anywhere else he feels like being. I'd stand your ground on the bed thing though...if I was allergic my girlfriend would hate that but you let the cat in there and you'll be dealing with your allergies forever afterwards.

    I'd say the fact you even started this thread indicates a willingness to talk and compromise, so good luck but I think you'll both do ok.

    Oh and one more thing thinking about it, vacuum every day. It seems obsessive but it will help you a ton with the cat allergies.

    Scrublet on
    subedii wrote: »
    I hear PC gaming is huge off the coast of Somalia right now.

    PSN: TheScrublet
  • Blake TBlake T Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    I am surprised no one else has mentioned this.

    You both own a shitload of stuff. It's not going to fit into one house.

    She thinks a lot of your stuff is stupid.

    You don't see the point to a lot of hers.

    You need to learn to compromise on what is on "display".

    Blake T on
  • KirbithKirbith Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    Keep the cat out of your bedroom. You don't want cat hair everywhere when you are trying to sleep. Also, once a cat has been in a room you will likely start finding cat hair everywhere.

    Also, talk about things early. If she does something that bothers you, talk about it right away. And tell her to do the same, that way little issues can be worked out at the earliest stage and not escalate into something bigger. And it's ok to get mad sometimes, but just take a step back from the situation when this happens so you can cool your head, collect your thoughts, and then calmly talk about things instead of arguing. Also, good luck! :)

    Kirbith on
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  • RadicalTurnipRadicalTurnip Registered User regular
    edited August 2010
    I've found that many people's cat allergies get better after about a month of living with/dealing with a cat. Your results may vary, but it's possible that you could "get used" to it.

    Also, cats can get playful with wires and bite them, so if you have any bare-wires anywhere, I would recommend securing them in some way (speaker wires, or computer wires). I have a cat and it's not a problem, but it *could* be, so your results will vary on that too...

    And it sounds you have a good Siamese...every Siamese cat I've ever had was chemically imbalanced or something, they were all psycho...I hope you don't have a closet-psycho cat.

    RadicalTurnip on
  • SipexSipex Registered User
    edited August 2010
    Blake T wrote: »
    I am surprised no one else has mentioned this.

    You both own a shitload of stuff. It's not going to fit into one house.

    She thinks a lot of your stuff is stupid.

    You don't see the point to a lot of hers.

    You need to learn to compromise on what is on "display".

    This is very true. She might want to make the place hers while you might want it with your stuff (since she's moving into your place). Make sure you have this sorted out.

    Sipex on
    Horseshoe wrote:
    I've got good news and bad news about 6th level, That Guy. The good news is that Forbiddance spell allows you to prevent enemies different alignment from entering a consecrated area, which is actually useful! The bad news is that the only other new sixth level spell makes lunch for everybody. Guess which one the party is going to expect you to cast.
  • nuclearalchemistnuclearalchemist Registered User
    edited August 2010
    Sipex wrote: »
    Blake T wrote: »
    I am surprised no one else has mentioned this.

    You both own a shitload of stuff. It's not going to fit into one house.

    She thinks a lot of your stuff is stupid.

    You don't see the point to a lot of hers.

    You need to learn to compromise on what is on "display".

    This is very true. She might want to make the place hers while you might want it with your stuff (since she's moving into your place). Make sure you have this sorted out.

    We definitely had this problem when we moved in together. We each thought each other's stuff was stupid and that ours is far superior. Luckily, 3 years later, we have pretty much decided it was all crap from college and bought our own stuff =).

    nuclearalchemist on
    ~Eigen-fleichen
  • jedikuonjijedikuonji Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    After watching my roommate's BF move in and then move out 8 months later, I can tell you that communication is key. If something is bothering you, say something. Half the problems they had could have been fixed if they would have just said something to each other rather than bitching about it to me or their other friends or stopped expecting the other person to psychically know what they were thinking.

    I also echo the advice of letting things go. Learn to accept that there are some things that you will always end up doing even if you'd prefer that the other person did them once in awhile. For example, I have accepted that my roommate (both at one point) will never pull a full trash bag out of the garbage can and will never take the trash out. I brought it up once, nothing really changed, and I decided that rather than let it be an issue, I'd just take out the trash. It's just not that big of a deal.

    jedikuonji on
  • SkyCaptainSkyCaptain Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 4 or 5 months now, and everything was peaches and cream before then, and I can honestly say it is now too because we talked about it ALL before hand.

    Also, let the little things go. If she leaves her clothes on the floor, pick them up and put them in the hamper, and then ask her to put them in the hamper next time. Fights don't need to be started, and tears don't need to be shed because of clothes on the floor.

    Also, if you do argue, talk it out like adults. try not to raise your voice, and don't go to bed angry.

    I wish my girlfriend would realize this about her clothes. They're everywhere in piles and she flies off the handle if I ask her to do anything about it and she blames me for not doing her laundry. Even though one of the things we discussed before she moved in was that she would be doing her own laundry and I would do mine. Not to mention the clutter. Seriously, all the advice about talking about chores and more beforehand is 100% grade a advice well worth taking.

    Hope you have better luck then I've had.

    SkyCaptain on
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  • ben0207ben0207 Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Before she moves in spend an entire day in yesterday's underwear eating KFC, masturbating and playing Halo.

    Trust me, this sort of behaviour is kind of frowned upon by girls so it's your last chance.

    ben0207 on
  • DelzhandDelzhand Hard to miss. Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Esh wrote: »
    GPIA7R wrote: »
    Naw I like the cat, but I have allergies, so it'll be a bit of a challenge.

    She's used to sleeping with the cat, and I really don't want a cat in our bed. My compromises so far are saying "OK" to 1. The Cat, 2. The Cat Tower-thing, 3. The Cat on the couch. I'm hoping those are enough to keep it out of the bedroom.

    Ah, grab some Claritin. The cat out of the bedroom isn't a bad compromise, but you may find yourself on the end of some piteous mewing and scratching at the door for a bit.

    At the very least it will be a new place for the cat - if he was trying to keep the cat out of a room in a house the cat previously had access to, it would be worse. If the cat isn't allowed in the bed at night, keep the bedroom door closed during the day. The cat should have no access to the bedroom.

    Delzhand on
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  • GPIA7RGPIA7R Registered User regular
    edited August 2017
    .

    GPIA7R on
  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    edited September 2010
    don't go to bed angry.

    thsi sounds cliched but it is SO true

    always sort out arguments or disagreements, or at least finish the argument. never go to bed fuming, even if it means staying up three hours too late and being very tired the next day
    its not worth going to bed angry because you will still be angry in the morning. if you go to bed happy you will remain happy in the morning and the argument will seem silly.

    Dhalphir on
  • KistraKistra Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Dhalphir wrote: »
    don't go to bed angry.

    thsi sounds cliched but it is SO true

    always sort out arguments or disagreements, or at least finish the argument. never go to bed fuming, even if it means staying up three hours too late and being very tired the next day
    its not worth going to bed angry because you will still be angry in the morning. if you go to bed happy you will remain happy in the morning and the argument will seem silly.

    I completely disagree with this. Personally, my husband and I are much more likely to come to a useful solution to a problem if we both take a step back and think about an issue before we discuss it. This means if something comes up right before bed we talk about it in the morning or after work the next day depending on the next days schedule. Being tired and grumpy isn't useful to anyone. Don't ignore problems, but don't be afraid to say "I'm tired, lets discuss this in the morning" and follow through.

    Kistra on
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  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Kistra wrote: »
    Dhalphir wrote: »
    don't go to bed angry.

    thsi sounds cliched but it is SO true

    always sort out arguments or disagreements, or at least finish the argument. never go to bed fuming, even if it means staying up three hours too late and being very tired the next day
    its not worth going to bed angry because you will still be angry in the morning. if you go to bed happy you will remain happy in the morning and the argument will seem silly.

    I completely disagree with this. Personally, my husband and I are much more likely to come to a useful solution to a problem if we both take a step back and think about an issue before we discuss it. This means if something comes up right before bed we talk about it in the morning or after work the next day depending on the next days schedule. Being tired and grumpy isn't useful to anyone. Don't ignore problems, but don't be afraid to say "I'm tired, lets discuss this in the morning" and follow through.

    The cliche is really just short hand for "don't try to ignore something that's bothering you." If something's upsetting you but you're trying not to make waves, a little problem can fester into a bigger problem than it needs to be. But yes, if it's two o'clock in the morning and you're angry about something, you're allowed to go to sleep as long as you can promise to yourself that you'll take the first available opportunity to have a mature discussion about it with your partner the following day. This is doubly true if being angry means you're more likely to say something mean and immature to vent your frustration.

    SammyF on
  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    SammyF wrote: »
    The cliche is really just short hand for "don't try to ignore something that's bothering you." If something's upsetting you but you're trying not to make waves, a little problem can fester into a bigger problem than it needs to be. But yes, if it's two o'clock in the morning and you're angry about something, you're allowed to go to sleep as long as you can promise to yourself that you'll take the first available opportunity to have a mature discussion about it with your partner the following day. This is doubly true if being angry means you're more likely to say something mean and immature to vent your frustration.

    This is exactly what I meant. I mean, It's always good to not go to bed while absolutely raging on the inside (I personally can't sleep when something is bothering me anyway), but if you need to put it off until the morning, and step back a bit, then do so. Just make sure to bring up aggravations, and such you have with her as soon as possible. It's a bit of a big deal to be able to talk to your girlfriend (and her with you) like a mature adult. Not everyone knows how to do that, but make sure that you two are the ones that do. It's very important.

    Also, try not to get too worked up over her looking over your shoulder. I have a habit of looking over my boyfriends shoulder when he's on the computer, not because I'm snooping or anything, but because I'm genuinely interested and curious as to what he's doing, whether it's a video game, or work. Try not to take it as being nosy.

    AlyceInWonderland on
  • THEPAIN73THEPAIN73 Shiny. Real shiny.Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    Me and Kirbith's computers are right next to eachothers.

    It makes it hard to hide things haha.

    THEPAIN73 on
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  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    On the topic of privacy, resign yourself to the fact that at some point in the future, she's going to hear you poop. Not a delicate poop, either. An "I shouldn't have eaten that" poop. You're also going to hear the same thing from her. Both of you should try to get comfortable with this idea.

    The first time this happened to me and I couldn't retreat to a bathroom out of earshot, I ran the shower for twenty minutes and pretended to be bathing. After the event was over and the ungodly, inhuman and humiliating noises had subsided, I hopped beneath the shower head so that my hair would be wet when I walked back into the next room, toweling off. Little did I know, "All You Can Eat Buffalo Wing Night" hadn't finished having its way with me just yet, and I had to either accept the fact that I couldn't keep up the charade or try to explain why I sometimes take multiple showers every night.

    There's all sorts of similar things that you should just sort of accept now. You will, at some point in your future, handle a pair of panties which she happened to be wearing when she got her period two days earlier than expected. She will discover that sometimes if you can't sleep, you masturbate until you're too tired to stay awake like it's mother nature's Ambien. There's all sorts of stuff you didn't know about your partner before; just try to remember that all of it was still true even back when you were first falling in love.

    SammyF on
  • hatedinamericahatedinamerica Registered User regular
    edited September 2010
    I have nothing of value to add regarding human relationships because I am hermit, but I can tell you something about cats:

    Cats fucking hate vinegar. If you have a plant or a desk or whatever that the cats likes to mess with and you want it to stop, just put a little vinegar water in a spray bottle and spray it on that thing. The cat will likely never touch it again.

    hatedinamerica on
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