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Am i totaly crazy (life advices)
purple sword
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Well, I am a long time lurker of the help and advices forums, always been a little afraid of posting. Lately I have been reflecting on my life and doubting myself, so I guess I need some help and advice and who is it better to turn to than perfect strangers? This is probably going to be a long story, I’ll write a quick recap at the end.
I am a 32 year old male, I wouldn’t say my life suck, but in the past few months I slowly became aware it was lacking, and had a lot of regret, and I have always been afraid to take risks, to make it short, here are the few problems I am confronted with:
1) I still live at home, while I have totally great parents, they are still my parents, and well the “comic book guy still living in his mom basement” is hard to forget, and hard on morale, I have slowly been looking to find a condo to purchase and move out, but I tend to be the type of person to overly plan everything he does…and since it’s a massive investment…it make me totally crazy scary.
2) School issues, I’m 32 year old, since middle of high school, I have been having on and off academic problems, crappy grade, basically quitting school twice(once while attempting to get an associate degree, and once while working on my bachelor). Since then I have found most of my academic problem was related to a medical issue: pituitary tumor that was pressuring both my brain and my optical nerves. The tumor was only diagnosed two years ago, which left my with a ½ completed bachelor degree and an awful academic record. Since then I have been working on completing it part time (my GPA before the tumor: bellow 2, after: above 3.85).
3) Career, this is one of the great part of my life, I have a great career, I joined 4 years ago (28 year old, kind of old to start a career) and since then I have had 3 promotion and I got to admit my salary is well above the average the area I live in, I totally love my job, and without it, I think id be fully lost.
4) Weight, this is a big issue, since I have started to have academic problems, I have pretty much taken fast food as an escape, getting fat and totally out of shape. Last January when I step on the scale I’ve read 340 pounds….while I’m still 6 foot 1, 340 pounds for a non athletic guy, is still massively obese. Since then I have been making effort in losing weight and attempting to work out, it has been partially successful; I am now down to 280 pounds. I still have to lose a lot I think (I’m still not very happy with my body, I can’t tell if ill ever be…I’m actually tempted to post picture to have opinion but kind of afraid to become the laughing sock of the web!).
5) Friends: Since I was pretty much a kid, I was always mostly a loner never had a ton of friends, a few there and there, it never bothered me or felt bad about it, I was content with it. Since my teenage years coinciding with the rise of the internet, my social life pretty much entered the cyberspace, slowly transferring my few friends to a few cyber friends…again I was totally fine with that and did not feel lonely or alone. While I wouldn’t say I’m shy, I am kind of introverted and not very good at conversation, especially when it comes to initiate it. On top of that, I am nearly terrified to initiate conversation with woman I find physically attractive.
6) Relationship: this is where it stings…a lot, I have never been really in a romantic relationship in my life, it never bothered me much, until today id say, when I came to realize that in my whole family everyone of my age now have a significant other except myself… outside of my parents, I am basically close to no one in real life. And I’m starting to crave having a partner to share my life with and maybe even create a family.
The only “romantic” relationship I had in my life is basically a platonic relation with a woman much older than me in online games; we have been playing games together for over 10 years, but have only met once in real life. I believe we are extremely close, I even think I really love this person, but I often find the relationship lacking some physical contact (if you haven’t noticed yet, I don’t have the biggest sex drive ever!)
I feel my life is going nowhere, and every time I try to make a step forward, I end up taking two step backward at the same time, I feel my life is totally slipping by and no matter how much effort I do it’s never going to be enough, I went back to school, I try to lose weight, I’m even trying to find people to share my life with, it just doesn’t seems to work(I’ve tried to sign up to Eharmony to see if I could meet people, and after filling all their questions, they tell me they cant find matches for me…talk about rejection, they wouldn’t even take my coins!)…I guess I need some life coaching to help me figure out how to do thing rights.
I guess the main issue currently brothering me is the lack of relationship, I’m not sure how to find out tho, over all, I'm a quiet guy, ugly, fat and kind of dull (long work weeks, long school week (electric engineering so not the best place to meet girls) and the few hobby I have are not the most interesting one for the other sex (online games and Science fiction), and on top of that kind of afraid of them…
In Short:
-32 year old, Fat, no friend or lover, working full time and trying to finish a bachelor degree and figure out how to find a lover needs a lot of life coaching!
I am a 32 year old male, I wouldn’t say my life suck, but in the past few months I slowly became aware it was lacking, and had a lot of regret, and I have always been afraid to take risks, to make it short, here are the few problems I am confronted with:
1) I still live at home, while I have totally great parents, they are still my parents, and well the “comic book guy still living in his mom basement” is hard to forget, and hard on morale, I have slowly been looking to find a condo to purchase and move out, but I tend to be the type of person to overly plan everything he does…and since it’s a massive investment…it make me totally crazy scary.
2) School issues, I’m 32 year old, since middle of high school, I have been having on and off academic problems, crappy grade, basically quitting school twice(once while attempting to get an associate degree, and once while working on my bachelor). Since then I have found most of my academic problem was related to a medical issue: pituitary tumor that was pressuring both my brain and my optical nerves. The tumor was only diagnosed two years ago, which left my with a ½ completed bachelor degree and an awful academic record. Since then I have been working on completing it part time (my GPA before the tumor: bellow 2, after: above 3.85).
3) Career, this is one of the great part of my life, I have a great career, I joined 4 years ago (28 year old, kind of old to start a career) and since then I have had 3 promotion and I got to admit my salary is well above the average the area I live in, I totally love my job, and without it, I think id be fully lost.
4) Weight, this is a big issue, since I have started to have academic problems, I have pretty much taken fast food as an escape, getting fat and totally out of shape. Last January when I step on the scale I’ve read 340 pounds….while I’m still 6 foot 1, 340 pounds for a non athletic guy, is still massively obese. Since then I have been making effort in losing weight and attempting to work out, it has been partially successful; I am now down to 280 pounds. I still have to lose a lot I think (I’m still not very happy with my body, I can’t tell if ill ever be…I’m actually tempted to post picture to have opinion but kind of afraid to become the laughing sock of the web!).
5) Friends: Since I was pretty much a kid, I was always mostly a loner never had a ton of friends, a few there and there, it never bothered me or felt bad about it, I was content with it. Since my teenage years coinciding with the rise of the internet, my social life pretty much entered the cyberspace, slowly transferring my few friends to a few cyber friends…again I was totally fine with that and did not feel lonely or alone. While I wouldn’t say I’m shy, I am kind of introverted and not very good at conversation, especially when it comes to initiate it. On top of that, I am nearly terrified to initiate conversation with woman I find physically attractive.
6) Relationship: this is where it stings…a lot, I have never been really in a romantic relationship in my life, it never bothered me much, until today id say, when I came to realize that in my whole family everyone of my age now have a significant other except myself… outside of my parents, I am basically close to no one in real life. And I’m starting to crave having a partner to share my life with and maybe even create a family.
The only “romantic” relationship I had in my life is basically a platonic relation with a woman much older than me in online games; we have been playing games together for over 10 years, but have only met once in real life. I believe we are extremely close, I even think I really love this person, but I often find the relationship lacking some physical contact (if you haven’t noticed yet, I don’t have the biggest sex drive ever!)
I feel my life is going nowhere, and every time I try to make a step forward, I end up taking two step backward at the same time, I feel my life is totally slipping by and no matter how much effort I do it’s never going to be enough, I went back to school, I try to lose weight, I’m even trying to find people to share my life with, it just doesn’t seems to work(I’ve tried to sign up to Eharmony to see if I could meet people, and after filling all their questions, they tell me they cant find matches for me…talk about rejection, they wouldn’t even take my coins!)…I guess I need some life coaching to help me figure out how to do thing rights.
I guess the main issue currently brothering me is the lack of relationship, I’m not sure how to find out tho, over all, I'm a quiet guy, ugly, fat and kind of dull (long work weeks, long school week (electric engineering so not the best place to meet girls) and the few hobby I have are not the most interesting one for the other sex (online games and Science fiction), and on top of that kind of afraid of them…
In Short:
-32 year old, Fat, no friend or lover, working full time and trying to finish a bachelor degree and figure out how to find a lover needs a lot of life coaching!
purple sword on
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2. You seem like you are working on school, keep at it.
3. Your job seems to be okay, the fact that you like your CAREER is awesome.
4. You have already lost 60 pounds! CONGRATS! That is no small achievement. Look at the weight loss thread here and consult with online sources. Also consider getting a personal trainer if you have the extra coin. Biggest thing, keep going and be PATIENT. Its a long road.
5. For now focus on reaching out with people you have contact with all the time anyway. Make an EFFORT to be social whenever there is a chance and you have the time. I had somewhat of the same problem and just making a concerted effort and keeping in mind that they wouldn't be hanging out with me if they didn't want too, helped a lot. The key for this is baby steps. Nothing all at once. Just say try and be social 4 times a month. Once you find a group you will start meeting more people. and so on.
6. Keep relationship concerns on the back burner for now. The worst thing could be trying to get a girlfriend just to get a girlfriend. That will not end well. Take care of yourself. Make it to where you genuinely love who you are and what you are doing and number 6 WILL take care of itself. Trust me.
Also, it seems like you may be a bit down on yourself, and I don't mean anything bad by this, perhaps you should consider talking to a therapist. They are trained to help you with stuff like this.
In summation, don't get to wrapped up with where you are RIGHT NOW. Life is not like a video game where you must level up at certain times. Everyone, EVERYONE has a different path. Be patient with yourself and keep trying.
Good Luck!
I'm 6'4" and started this year around 280 myself. Through watching what I eat (but believe me, I'm not starving myself by any means, pizza and I still get along quite well, I just try to behave fairly well on weekdays and slack a little on the weekend) and regular time at the gym, I'm down to around 237-240'ish. Weight loss on the scale you and I are looking at is a long term thing. Some people manage to pull off truly astounding amounts in truly astounding periods of time, but keep in mind that rapid weightloss itself can be unhealthy. The objective is to do it safely, consistently and in a fashion that's sustainable.
So keep at whatever works for you! For me it's mostly how/what I eat (as noted above) and hitting the cardio part of the local gym for an hour 4-5 times a week after work. It's been a lifestyle change that isn't always easy, but results are starting to show. Obviously they're showing well for you, and while 280 isn't where someone our height wants to be (funny thing, I'm 30, so we're in very much the same boat on a number of levels), you're doing so very much better. Just focus on that. You don't need to be a svelte X pounds today, just keep your eye on the ball. You've proven you can shed the weight, now it's just a matter of time.
Why the therapist bit?
Yes, the OP does have some obstacles, but he seems to be working on them. Isukalel hit much of the points right in the gear, specially the condo part. I'm curious, you said you make good money. What is keeping you from just renting an apartment now?
I think he should see a therapist because he sounds depressed and talks about himself like this "I'm a quiet guy, ugly, fat and kind of dull" which is not a healthy mindset. A therapist can help him work through these feelings and become happier with a much higher self esteem.
I definitely think moving out will be a huge help. Just find a place to rent and do it, you don't have to buy if you aren't ready to do so. For me, living at home was a cause of gaining weight. While I never got really overweight, I did carry more than I wanted, and it was mostly because my parents cook large portions of heavier foods. They both work physical jobs and needed that, I work in an office and dont. Moving out allowed me to take control of my own meals and it made the world of difference. And that doesn't even take into account the self esteem bonus of being older and not living at home.
Try not to focus on relationships at this stage though. As you improve other areas of your life your self esteem will improve, and you'll find opportunities in that area will present themselves.
That was me two years ago since then I had a catalyst of change but overall I give thanks to one thing, going to the gym. I had no plans to look buff but feel good and get energy but something I didn't expect to get was being happy (endorphin!). From that I started grad school 3.8gpa, got an awesome career, my friends love my new me, run a non profit and now I am buying a house. I don't dwell on the relationship issue cause I am still working on myself Plus I am enjoying life right now to be tide down.
I feel your heading in the right direction.
Also tell your parents your plans so they become supportive to your cause.
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
I know a thing or two about making bad food choices though, and about losing weight only to regain it, so if you end up losing focus on it you need to be aware of a few other things. Most of all that some choices may be irresponsible in some way (fiscally, socially) but extremely rewarding in their ability to instigate change. You can wait a few years for a down payment on a place, or you can just lease an apartment. While renting isn't as responsible in the long-term financially, the losses are more than made up for by the fact that you can do it sooner rather than later. This is not a "someday" possibility, it's a possibility for you in October. While waiting longer than a month is certainly optional, I think you should start thinking in the short term rather than long term here.
If you really want to make friends, that's something that's easy to do at any weight. People are going to push organized sports on you here, but this is a video game messageboard; a lot of us are only a step or two removed from where you're at I think. Most nerds I know understand this and have a soft spot for social misfits. Find some organized nerd activity in your area and take part; people in nerd culture are usually friendly and social and they won't judge based on weight or where you live. More than any of that they'll encourage you more than anyone to get out of your house and change. If losing weight is the most direct route to getting what you want, making friends will be the easiest. You seem more interested in romance than platonic male-friends, but if you fall into a group of people, like losing weight, everything else that you want will follow if only because you have people pushing you out of your comfort zone. So join a D&D group, LARP, get into Magic the Gathering or even just find out what Warcraft server a group of cool people in your area play on and join them. You can turn these relationships into experiences which will progress your life.
I think you should rent somewhere and live with some people ASAP. It might suck at first (or it might be great!), but you will learn a lot and meet new people, and have a better idea what your ideal living situation would be.
Anecdotally, I can refute this claim. I'm currently living in the only apartment I've had since I moved out. Living on your own is perhaps the greatest self esteem builder and indicator of growth that there is - it forces responsibility, independence, and maturity on the individual. That can only help the OP's esteem issues.
I mentioned that the OP should see a therapist because it's effectively what he is doing here; laying bare his life and asking for advice or guidance. There are also some obvious signs of oncoming depression or other issues he just needs to get resolved. He had a tumor in his brain - I'd be a wreck if I had that happen to me. The OP doesn't mention if he's free in the clear, or if he is vulnerable to a relapse.
It sounds like moving out, and then going to the gym are going to be the first two steps to making a happier OP. Good luck to him!
With that said, I wanted to throw a word of warning, and mention that you shouldn't expect your weight loss to change everything immediately. That was a trap that I fell into, thinking that it was my weight that was holding me back (surprise, it wasn't) and that once that dropped my life would automatically be better. When I lost the weight, and things hadn't changed it was a pretty big blow to me and forced me to rethink why exactly I wanted to lose the weight in the first place.
If you're a fat shy nerd living at home and you lose a ton of weight, that just makes you a thin shy nerd living at home.
That might sound harsh, but it's the truth. Yes, losing weight will probably make your self steem and confidence go up, and probably make you more attractive to the other sex, but you should still be able to go out and make friends right now and start other changes in your life.
No one says that you've gotta find someone else to be happy. This is really about who you wanna be when you grow up - I'm 31 and I still haven't figured that question out.
This is about what you want out of life and honestly approach the question. Generally, we're culturally influenced to want the standard big house, white picket fence, 2.4 children, spouse w/ choice of pet addon. Problem is that some people can't stand big houses, some people hate the color white, some people abhor children, and others are so allergic ridden that they'd rather eat a pet than have it around.
So its about self-realization first, and then achievement second. Its hard too.
Do I what I always recommend...sit down and take an entire day to think on this question. Get out a pad of paper and start making a list. List everything you want out of life - Want to be Skinny, Want a Ford Fiesta, Want a Ferrari, want to climb Mt. Everest. Doesnt matter - whatever you actually want...don't just willnilly it, ask yourself why you want it and if you really want it, and then put it down if it passes muster.
Once the list is complete, you've done it. You've just plotted out the rest of your life. Next step is to make plans to make each of those items to happen. Some of them are easy, some of them are hard - but all are worth it, if you were honest with yourself.
This will let you experience being on your own without a huge commitment of resources, and if you end up hating the place? You only have a six month lease.
You will be amazed how much easier all the other things (relationship, friends, weight, etc) are when you aren't living with your parents.
i did live on my own for a year in the past and it was not really a problem, so i think i can do it again.
overall, i don't think I'm depressed, cant say I'm a very cheerful guy, but i am not seeing everything dark.
I definetly appreciate all the advices and the different point of view, it helps me a lot to put things in perspective, which is something I'm not very good at.... i gotta stop being a chicken and make the plunge to do something with my life!
I'm not willing to say if you are or you aren't, but that isn't really what depression is. depression can be a lack of motivation, a desire to keep putting things off, etc. It doesn't mean just feeling sad.
The weight thing has been covered pretty well. Are you in a big city? Look at Meetup.com, pick a couple things you're interested in and go meet some people. There will be women there. Talk with them--not with a view to "get a girlfriend", but just as people with similar interests--the same way you talk to the guys there. Maybe you'll make some awesome friends. Cyberfriends are fine--I have some too--but real life friends will help your social skills more.
It sounds like you're a cautious person, a "planner." Sometimes you just have to make a leap of faith, take that risk and put yourself out there.
You need to get to meet new people. Being enrolled a university, this is a great time for you to not only lose weight, but start meeting new people. Slim down using your university's gym (most are open late night so after work should be fine) and bolster your confidence. As you do get involved in as many clubs or organizations that match your general interests. Finding good friends, or lovers, is all about meeting people and finding someone that you make a connection with. If you don't meet people, that won't happen.
Also, losing the weight and being more physically attractive certainly helps you chances, but being an Adonis doesn't mean you will find a nice person to be a companion. Don't look for love, look for a group of coed friends that share your hobbies and want to hang out. Anything else that happens will develop from there on their own.
But looking for love itself will always lead to heartbreak and depression, or worse, another person looking for love itself. Relationships based on this are usually shallow and based upon mutual insecurity, rather than mutual respect, common interests, and companionship.
Also, it's not the end of the world being fat.
You can work on either of them or neither of them... really confidence can sometimes just come by accident.
My advice? If you have a "career" job where everyone has these completely focused life of kids and families and careers you might want to volunteer someplace or pick up four hours on the weekend at a wal-mart or target or fast food place.
Sometimes it just takes a change of scenery to break habits and get to know all new people. from there small steps brings big changes. might meet a future roommate (though I will say I had roommates up to about 30 then moved in with my girlfriend who is now my wife... i do miss the oppertunity to live completely alone for once in my life) might meet a girl who's sole idea of fun is to help you get into shape and who knows she might even come with cute friends.
The biggest disaster is to say "if only I was thin..." or "if only i had a place of my own" if you are already sliding towards depression. The reason is if you achieve it and nothing else changes then you might just fall completely in depression.
If it's just about getting out of your parent's house, I'd almost suggest a roommate. With enough searching you could probably find a decent studio or one bedroom, and if you can keep some of your stuff at your parents (or visit them if you need space) a tiny apartment will be enough. If your choice is between buying in a market that is still overpriced/may still go down in the next few years and renting a family-sized apartment with a roommate, I'd pick roommate.
If you can tell us the general city/region where you live, I can give you a bit more information about the housing market there. Otherwise it's easy enough to google.
Edit: Oh yeah, also check Craigslist and other less formal sites when trying to find a place to rent. With the horrible economy a lot of people who own houses or apartments and have had to move are renting them for a steal because they can't sell. Two of my friends rented a townhouse in VA for $200 less a month than they were paying for an apartment that was about 400sqft smaller.
Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
I actually love apartment life, when the complex is nice. It's good to live on your own, but for your first place I would seriously rent rather than own. Having to offload real estate in a hurry is not pretty at the moment.
edit: Please note that I'm pretty biased against buying property unless you're really in a settling-down kind of place. It sounds to me like you're in the exact opposite of a settling-down kind of place.
Anyway, for the rest of your post, I'm doing the One-Step Forward, Two Steps Back thing in rearranging my life as well. When you're unhappy, and finally making changes to address that unhappiness, every setback just feels like another twist of the knife. What I think the deal with that is you just need to calm down and remember not to panic. Setbacks are a part of life, and while the thing you may want most in the world is to escape this unhappiness, it's not some horror movie monster stalking you through the house. There's no do-or-die time limit on finding happiness, no matter how old you are. So if you take a tumble and twist your ankle, it's not the end of the world. Just relax, take a deep breath, and hobble along. That ankle will get better eventually and you'll be racing towards happiness again in no time.
If none of the preceding made any sense, my apologies. I am zonked on sudafed but this topic seemed so in line with my current struggles I had to reply.
My advice is actually this. Read your OP.
You quite concisely summed up points in you life that you are unhappy with. If you take a slightly different slant on it - it reads like a roadmap for you. So, here's where I say that you need to just start making changes. If you're really waiting for some external event/advice/guidance - It's not going to happen. It's a cliche, but nobody will do this but you. Take a deep breath and just start making changes. It won't be easy, but once you do it - you'll feel better.