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So im quite unattractive
Partical
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Registered User regular
I've been reading H&A for a long long time and it often strikes me how similar most people here are to myself, both in terms of age and mentality, so i thought since i had a particular problem it would be good to hear some of your views.
The title is pretty self-explanatory. I know very few people think they are adonises or goddesses but ive always been conventionally unnatractive and up until recently i never really cared. I am 21 now but when i was younger I was often teased for having disproportinate looks, the typical shy nerdy kid with pale skin, bad eyes, big nose. I didnt really take this criticism to heart, I grew a thick skin and ignored it. Things became more complicated once i got to the age where teenagers start to get together and, well that didnt go so well, infact it went pretty horrible and whereas my features before were something i could ignore it became increasingly unpleasant to have them pointed out and mocked by the other sex. I dont want that to sound like a profound generalisation, its not, it just happened to be the case that those i sought after were...less than tactful about letting me know i didnt have a chance with them. So i sort of struck out in that period of life, regardless i wasnt ever depressed about it, other than a few real bad instances which have stuck with me of, well just sheer cruelty, i always assumed it was just a phase, the growing out and into the adult i was going to be. However as it appeared during college and after thats not really the case, and ive realised i am conventionally quite an unnatractive fellow physically.
Now im not depressed about this, other parts of my life are fine, but the truth is that im not sure what to do about it, where to go from here. My personality, so far as im lead to believe, is pretty fine, but i often find people are quick to judge and comment and ignore what good qualities i have on the inside. I dont harbour any ill will towards these people because instinctually thats just the way things are, people want the best deal they can get, people put values on themselves and societal pressures are there. I also understand that perhaps im dodging bullets by avoiding these people, but i find little solace in that because there seems to be so many, or perhaps i have a warped sense of attraction
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I have alot going for me in other areas of life, so i dont want this to sound like a thread where i whinge and complain about my shortcomings, but im reaching a point where im not sure what to do, ive heard going to the gym can aid in confidence but i dont really have any issues with talking to people or presenting myself. New clothes or styles is, well its hard because i have no fashion sense and my friends are not really the best sounding board for that. I hear there are people you can hire for that sort of thing but it seems extreme...and probably very expensive.
So if in a similar boat H&A, what would you do?
The title is pretty self-explanatory. I know very few people think they are adonises or goddesses but ive always been conventionally unnatractive and up until recently i never really cared. I am 21 now but when i was younger I was often teased for having disproportinate looks, the typical shy nerdy kid with pale skin, bad eyes, big nose. I didnt really take this criticism to heart, I grew a thick skin and ignored it. Things became more complicated once i got to the age where teenagers start to get together and, well that didnt go so well, infact it went pretty horrible and whereas my features before were something i could ignore it became increasingly unpleasant to have them pointed out and mocked by the other sex. I dont want that to sound like a profound generalisation, its not, it just happened to be the case that those i sought after were...less than tactful about letting me know i didnt have a chance with them. So i sort of struck out in that period of life, regardless i wasnt ever depressed about it, other than a few real bad instances which have stuck with me of, well just sheer cruelty, i always assumed it was just a phase, the growing out and into the adult i was going to be. However as it appeared during college and after thats not really the case, and ive realised i am conventionally quite an unnatractive fellow physically.
Now im not depressed about this, other parts of my life are fine, but the truth is that im not sure what to do about it, where to go from here. My personality, so far as im lead to believe, is pretty fine, but i often find people are quick to judge and comment and ignore what good qualities i have on the inside. I dont harbour any ill will towards these people because instinctually thats just the way things are, people want the best deal they can get, people put values on themselves and societal pressures are there. I also understand that perhaps im dodging bullets by avoiding these people, but i find little solace in that because there seems to be so many, or perhaps i have a warped sense of attraction
.I have alot going for me in other areas of life, so i dont want this to sound like a thread where i whinge and complain about my shortcomings, but im reaching a point where im not sure what to do, ive heard going to the gym can aid in confidence but i dont really have any issues with talking to people or presenting myself. New clothes or styles is, well its hard because i have no fashion sense and my friends are not really the best sounding board for that
. I hear there are people you can hire for that sort of thing but it seems extreme...and probably very expensive.So if in a similar boat H&A, what would you do?
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Then, find friends who aren't arseholes and women who don't judge books by their covers, of which there are more than you think.
1. Get your body in shape. Even if your face has grown a second nose and 5 extra eyes a good body will go a long way to looking attractive.
2. Visit the fashion thread for inspiration and keep in mind that the most important thing about clothing is that it fits. See also: Art of Manliness.
3. Acne? Get rid of it any way you can. A beautician worked wonders for my dad.
I can't tell you how many people I went to high school with--who looked totally awkward and bizarre--have really matured into reasonable adults (thanks Facebook).
To give a bit more information i have a nose which looks broken, but isnt, its a family trait, very pale skin and bad teeth, again a more genetic trait i havent done anything to make them this odd. My head is too an odd shape, add in bad eyes and a few large freckles on my face scattered around and well ill admit its not what anyone would consider attractive.
In an ideal world i would get ripped and tanned etc but being an ectomorph with a high metabolism and little time its, well its something i cant really see happening. Add into this i have 0 idea what to do at the gym in terms of form, i see videos of squats and presses and as simple as they look i remember trying some a while back and...well it was a bit of a sight to behold im sure.
Stop this. No ones looking at you in the gym, they're looking at themself. This is your self-consciousness kicking in.
It really depends on what you want in life... i've know plenty of people who are intentionally single and have much better lives for it, they were free to pursue anything they dreamed of without the chains of a relationship hanging them down.
(One of my friends in particular is now a millionaire, who travels around the world doing all kinds of fun things, I asked him once if he ever regretted being single, and he replied not at all, he never could have done what he had done if he wasn't.)
So perhaps you might want to just forget about the whole unattractive thing and invest your time in whatever you are really blessed in?
You have parents! That means there are people who aren't turned off by your nose style
Again, I guarantee you it has everything to do with clothing & styling. Who cares about your muscles?
Honestly, there are at least as many women who don't like muscles as like big muscles, so don't worry about that. Work out for you--for health, for fitness--but the scrawny ectomorph look is in.
I'm starting to suspect that you live in a suburb or rural area, which is probably 150% of your problem.
Move to the city, wear skinny jeans, get big sunglasses. Grow your hair into a faux mohawk (OK, I would probably snicker at you if you did this, but you'd start getting all the chicks).
Are you in college now? Seriously, find a good hairstylist, or make friends with a girl, and let her "re-do" you. Go to a good hairstylist, explain the problem, and say you really want a hairstyle that will make you more attractive.
And skin&bones is indeed hard to get in great shape with, I'm in the same boat in that respect. I walk up straight, though. That helps a lot.
Yea, just get a few lessons from a gym. Are you in college?
Biking! Do you know how many of us cyclists would kill to start at skin & bones? We all start at fat and become "skinny with more muscles". If I started at 150 lbs (instead of 195! but it brought me down to 165) I'd be incredible on the bike.
Biking is a great way to gain fitness for skinny people.
That's tour cyclists. Sprint cyclists tend to be rather hot.
Think of Serge Gainsbough... Ugly mofo, but his savoir-faire and style made him irresistable for the most beautiful women of his day (BB!).
I couldn't get anything from a girl to save my life
few months at the gym and I'm doing a hell of a lot better
Well, yea, GRAND tour cyclists ;-) The rest of us are very good looking I assure you.
OP:
OK, out of college, job with little interaction. Time to find some volunteer opportunities.
It is unlikely you'll meet the love of your life at your job. A. Workplace romance B. Workplace romance.
One of the best ways to meet girls out of school is to spend a few hours here and there doing volunteer things. Keep an eye out for events being planned in your town/area. Is there a "walk to end cancer" this sunday? Call the number on the poster and ask if they need someone to volunteer for 3 hours. You will definitely meet women--and men. Be nice and friendly with everyone, start to get to know people, and you'll end up meeting that special someone eventually. Either through a friend or directly.
I think you mean the gym thing--but really, even being small, some girls will dig that. Some will dig muscles. Maybe the gym will help you build the confidence you need to get them?
I think you really will have an easier time if you go to a good store, but some nice fitted clothes (i.e. "Skinny fit" or something--dress shirts, slacks, with some color.) and get a haircut from an expensive place. Treat yourself. I guarantee that just with that one change you'll see a difference.
Yeah hair and clothes have always been "functional" items for me so far, always saw it as a bit of a waste, ill make a note to try something a bit better
I have a friend with a similar build to you, and similar dietary problems (his weight constantly hovers around "gonna die" even though he consumes shittons of food).
He has been swimming for awhile and always had decent definition in his shoulders, but he started unicycling recently and now he has the most amazing, defined core muscles.
Even if you aren't bulking up, toning your muscles and gaining some definition will do a lot for your confidence when you're naked. This will not be nearly as hard as bulking up.
Unicycling's fun, it tones your core and doesn't feel like you're working out.
But yeah, paying attention to your appearance is the big thing. I recommend against trying to adopt an "extreme" style hoping to distract from your face - it tends to backfire.
Just try to take notice of how well dressed people dressed. Try to take note of how refined and classy people present themselves. Maybe try to broaden your interests - you say that you're fairly bold in terms of talking with people, but you also need to make sure that what you're dYing is not boring or repulsing them ( people with nerdy hobbies can be pretty oblivious about proper conversation). Maybe read a book of etiquette - old school manners can go far in terms of charm.
Stay clean and well groomed. Your clothes don't need to be cutting edge stylish or expensive, but they need to be put together and properly considered.
It's not like he has to take the unicycle everywhere he goes. All I am saying is that it will give him rock hard 8-pack abs. The ladies will certainly appreciate that.
My friend looks like he's been doing HIT when he actually has one of the laziest exercise plans in existence, it's kind of amazing really.
Don't worry about putting on weight. You're 21 and in a year or two you'll start putting on weight just by eating normally. At least I did =(
As for what you can do, I'd echo the gym, or some form of exercise, it'll boost your confidence. I started rock climbing and have been overwhelmed with how friendly everyone involved in the sport is, from those working at the indoor walls, to your fellow climbers. Taking up a beginners course is a good way to meet people. Also I was surprised at just how many hot women climb (which I guess nowadays I shouldn't notice).
Or the alternative is you could do nothing at all, you sound pretty happy other than having some hang ups on your appearance, just roll with it and get on with life.
::Edit with what you said above in mind:: Some people, especially around that age, can be incredibly cruel. I remember in uni I was trying to make friends, I went up to a lass at the bar and started talking to her. She took one look at me and said: "Look, just get lost, you haven't got a chance with me.", then turned her head and walked off.
PSN: SirGrinchX
Oculus Rift: Sir_Grinch
And if it's any consolation I found that post university was around the time in my life that people stopped judging you on appearance and was when I eventually settled in to a social "groove".
PSN: SirGrinchX
Oculus Rift: Sir_Grinch
And not just the superficial, dumb ones! You just have to weed them out. There are plenty of intelligent, attractive women that appreciate a man with a nice body. And if you're intelligent, nice, and ripped? You'll have to beat them off with a stick.
If you were unable to gain mass through "conventional means" it means you were doing something wrong. I have an extremely high metabolism and am the definition of a "hardgainer". It's always been a struggle to put on weight. But if you use an established program and eat like crazy - and stick to it - you'll get stronger. Your self confidence will go through the roof, too.
Try the bigman thread for better advice, there are a lot of knowledgable people posting there. http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=124163 Also there's some bullshit to wade through, but this is the internet. :rotate:
This guy right here? He knows what the fuck.
You know what matters to women? Self confidence and treating them like an actual person.
Yeah there are some really superficial people in this world. It happens.
Edit:
Also, I can't count how many times I've heard a guy talk down to a girl. Those are the guys that don't get dates. "Hey yeah I just need a fuck" that sure speaks highly of the woman in question. You'd be surprised just how common that is in the geek community. Just thought I'd throw that in.
Poke around H/A for the fitness thread, it's around somewhere. Read it, live it, love it.
While I agree it's a huge chunk, it doesn't mean that he shouldn't take a long look at updating his image from $15 jeans and haircuts. Just as looks will only take you so far, the same can be said for personality.
I was a rail (135 or so) until I was about 25, then I eventually eased into my body. I'm 5'10 1/2 and about 160 now. It comes with time.
I'm with Esh and Sniperguy here. Screw the gym, getting 4 different decent outfits and a good haircut will do wonders. Everyone, every single person on this planet, can look normal to attractive by just spending that extra 15 min a day trying to figure out which clothes goes with what. It's of course a pain in the ass to learn but there's a nice fashion thread here that will help, they also look at pictures and suggest things I think.
Confidence is also really important, your self esteem seems pretty low right now though. Getting ripped might help you with that I guess but so will getting a decent wardrobe. The wardrobe takes less time but do both if you think it will do you good and you have the time/money.
Edit: If your main goal here is to find a partner, I guarantee you that the most effective thing is not to flash some great abs but rather to be a decent looking confident individual.
Point is, from the sounds of things you really just need to be able to present yourself properly. This is pretty much echoing what everyone else has said about style and haircut. Some recommendations from me which might work for you.
- Try growing facial hair, preferrably not a solo mustache. Takes a while to come in but we have November (prostate cancer awareness month) coming up which you can use as an excuse to try out some things.
- Business casual wear. It's not just for work. Try Polo shirts and khakis. It might make you look a bit more geeky but it does look good.
Your problems in highschool sound more like a social bump than anything. You were attracted to girls with more outward personalities and of course, nearly every teenager is self-consious, scared and confused so you're taking whatever advice you can get on how to survive that period of your life. This is where "Out of your league" comes from which, honestly, doesn't exist (many people will cling to this theory, even well into adulthood. Ignore them)
There's actually a good quote from the dating thread I'll post here. Also, check out the online dating thread in Debate & Discourse, lots of good tips there.
Also, a question. You've hit a maturity hump from the sounds of things and I'm curious if you're able to define what is attractive to you. I'm not going to tell you the type of girls you're attracted to is right or wrong but just make sure you're attracted to a certain type of person because you like them, not because someone says you should like them.
edit: That wasn't really a question. Oh well.
Yea, I agree with Esh: to the guy who said "you don't need to spend more than 15 on a haircut", well, yea, you're right--but, if he does get a fancy haircut once and finds that it's a good style, he can go to a 15$ haircut place and ask for the same cut next time.
I'm not saying you need to spend 65$ every time you get your hair cut, just, it sounds like this dude is starting at 0. No reason not to indulge himself and get a little make-over, see what works, and then go to the cheap places and ask for the same cut next time.