The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Ladies ladies ladies :| (relationship thread?)
altaltalt
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Hey dudes+dudettes. I have a bit of a predicament, if you will.
So I've known this girl for roughly 3 years thus far (we are both 24). She is pretty awesome. We were both in relationships for a long long time, mine ending mid last year and hers late last year. While both single, we hung around one another via group activities (one of my social circles happens to be hers as well) quite a bit and I got to thinking it would be awesome to date her. We had a few nights where we would stay up until sunrise chatting after a night out...I found myself very attracted to her, both physically and mentally. We gel very well and can talk about almost anything for any length of time. Essentially everyone in my social circle knew of my interest in her...except for her, as I never came out and tried to put any moves on her, being so recently removed from a multi year relationship and all. One month later, I find out that she is dating one of my other friends from said social circle. I don't let it bother me because hey, there are more fish in the sea, right? Friend never says a word to me about it despite the fact that I had confided in him about my feelings for her in the past. I'm a grown up, so I don't say anything and go about my business as per usual. This all happened in late February. Then til now we have hung out in group settings about twice a month and I didn't think anything of her because hey, she was in a relationship.
Mid month last month she called me up out of the blue (I don't often talk on the phone, especially with her) and we chat for a good two hours. The first hour of the conversation was general banter and catching up, and then she brought up her relationship. She essentially came out with several issues she was having in the relationship...mainly the dude being an apparent ass. He basically told her that he 'chose' her over another girl that was interested in him at the same time, and that he liked to be around her 'sometimes'...the quoted words being exactly what she told me. Immediately I'm like wtf, that's no relationship I'd want to be in...but offer some insight since i know the gentleman fairly well. It seems to me she is a pushover in relationships as her former one was similar as well.
Conversation flows for another half hour after this about random crap, we say goodnight, and that's that. I figure it will be a one time deal and that she needed someone to vent to. The next night she calls me up again and we have a very lengthy conversation about random crap. Group hangout over the weekend is normal, we chat a bit but nothing out of the ordinary.
About three of the past four weeks have been like this with phone calls and hanging out, though she doesn't bring up relationship very often. Last Friday we were supposed to chill @ her place but I had other obligations til late so i couldnt make it. She calls me up around midnight and we talk for a half hour, eventually I end up going to her place and we stay up talking til about 4am when I leave. She said she hadn't spoke to her boyfriend since the previous saturday (6 days) and didn't know if they were still dating, and highlighted particular issues with relationship once again. I try to offer some insight but want to stay out as much as possible. She did state that she still liked him for some reason. Last night another hour long conversation.
My questions to you, oh knowledgeable ones...
1) What the hell do I make of the situation? I tried to give off vibes when she was single that I was interested in her but apparently did not do so very well. I also did not expect her to enter another relationship so quickly, and as a result never really got the chance to make known how I feel. I am still very interested in her and really do not know how to approach the situation because she does not know what the hell is going on with her relationship. She even asked me if she thought they were still dating...wtf?
2) I am not a dirt bag so I have no plans to be a homewrecker of sorts. I would however like to make it known how I feel about her at some point but do not know how to go about this without having potential friendship ramifications if she does not feel the same way. I am assuming this is unavoidable, though. Should I try to initiate a 1 on 1 hangout such as dinner and see her reaction/response?
3) I do get a vibe that she has some interest in me, though it may be partially because of how I have feelings for her. I find it odd that she initiates phone conversation with me so often and for such a great length of time, though...personally I do not talk on the phone that much unless I am interested in another person as well. I should also add she is also not a phone person...I am virtually the only person she has lengthy conversation with over the phone.
Essentially, what do you guys make of the situation?
Thanks a bunch...any advice is appreciated.
So I've known this girl for roughly 3 years thus far (we are both 24). She is pretty awesome. We were both in relationships for a long long time, mine ending mid last year and hers late last year. While both single, we hung around one another via group activities (one of my social circles happens to be hers as well) quite a bit and I got to thinking it would be awesome to date her. We had a few nights where we would stay up until sunrise chatting after a night out...I found myself very attracted to her, both physically and mentally. We gel very well and can talk about almost anything for any length of time. Essentially everyone in my social circle knew of my interest in her...except for her, as I never came out and tried to put any moves on her, being so recently removed from a multi year relationship and all. One month later, I find out that she is dating one of my other friends from said social circle. I don't let it bother me because hey, there are more fish in the sea, right? Friend never says a word to me about it despite the fact that I had confided in him about my feelings for her in the past. I'm a grown up, so I don't say anything and go about my business as per usual. This all happened in late February. Then til now we have hung out in group settings about twice a month and I didn't think anything of her because hey, she was in a relationship.
Mid month last month she called me up out of the blue (I don't often talk on the phone, especially with her) and we chat for a good two hours. The first hour of the conversation was general banter and catching up, and then she brought up her relationship. She essentially came out with several issues she was having in the relationship...mainly the dude being an apparent ass. He basically told her that he 'chose' her over another girl that was interested in him at the same time, and that he liked to be around her 'sometimes'...the quoted words being exactly what she told me. Immediately I'm like wtf, that's no relationship I'd want to be in...but offer some insight since i know the gentleman fairly well. It seems to me she is a pushover in relationships as her former one was similar as well.
Conversation flows for another half hour after this about random crap, we say goodnight, and that's that. I figure it will be a one time deal and that she needed someone to vent to. The next night she calls me up again and we have a very lengthy conversation about random crap. Group hangout over the weekend is normal, we chat a bit but nothing out of the ordinary.
About three of the past four weeks have been like this with phone calls and hanging out, though she doesn't bring up relationship very often. Last Friday we were supposed to chill @ her place but I had other obligations til late so i couldnt make it. She calls me up around midnight and we talk for a half hour, eventually I end up going to her place and we stay up talking til about 4am when I leave. She said she hadn't spoke to her boyfriend since the previous saturday (6 days) and didn't know if they were still dating, and highlighted particular issues with relationship once again. I try to offer some insight but want to stay out as much as possible. She did state that she still liked him for some reason. Last night another hour long conversation.
My questions to you, oh knowledgeable ones...
1) What the hell do I make of the situation? I tried to give off vibes when she was single that I was interested in her but apparently did not do so very well. I also did not expect her to enter another relationship so quickly, and as a result never really got the chance to make known how I feel. I am still very interested in her and really do not know how to approach the situation because she does not know what the hell is going on with her relationship. She even asked me if she thought they were still dating...wtf?
2) I am not a dirt bag so I have no plans to be a homewrecker of sorts. I would however like to make it known how I feel about her at some point but do not know how to go about this without having potential friendship ramifications if she does not feel the same way. I am assuming this is unavoidable, though. Should I try to initiate a 1 on 1 hangout such as dinner and see her reaction/response?
3) I do get a vibe that she has some interest in me, though it may be partially because of how I have feelings for her. I find it odd that she initiates phone conversation with me so often and for such a great length of time, though...personally I do not talk on the phone that much unless I am interested in another person as well. I should also add she is also not a phone person...I am virtually the only person she has lengthy conversation with over the phone.
Essentially, what do you guys make of the situation?
Thanks a bunch...any advice is appreciated.
altaltalt on
0
This discussion has been closed.
Posts
I'm going to tell you to wait till she's without a boyfriend for sure and then let her know how you feel.
Esh out!
EDIT: Just because a girl has long conversations with you doesn't mean anything. Men and women can just be friends.
2) It all depends on how much you value these friendships. If you want to date the girl more than you want to be her friend or the guy's friend, then by all means make a move.
3) see 1.
https://medium.com/@alascii
I'm normally a go-for-it kinda guy and often disagree with Esh in these threads, but I agree with him this time. Take that however you will.
I dunno.
Myself, I'd probably keep it private at least until she was single. It sounds like she, for the moment at least, is more afraid of being single than unhappy with her relationship. I don't know if afraid is the right word....
Anyway, it sounds like you have a pretty awesome friendship going. If you do anything to jeopardize that, it is going to terrify her. Chances are she doesn't want to lose it as much as you do. She'll be worried about it when she's single, and you spend so much time together. She may be well aware of your feelings, and just not want to do anything to lose this amazing relationship you have so far. Good friends are amazingly hard to find, especially of the opposite sex. She already feels like she can come to you and tell you anything, and that kind of friend is something a lot of people pine for, but never get. Really, its a beautiful thing that you two already have. Its natural to want more, but its also dangerous.
If you do anything at all, wait until she's single. Don't throw the whole book at her at once, but maybe hint a little harder. Then give it some time. These things don't happen overnight. The best relationship I've been in only happened after we spent a long while as friends, and she made it very clear that we would remain that way. Then we spent a few weeks without seeing or speaking with each other at all.
The best advice I ever got with situations with seemingly no right answer was to flip a coin. Not to determine the answer, but in the instant the coin is in the air, you know what you want to do.
Just remember, from the sound of it, she kind of depends on you, and she desperately doesn't want to lose that, not for anything.
-Current W.I.P.
This is one of the best advice sentences I've ever read.
-Current W.I.P.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
I don't agree with the 'more than friends or nothing' approach recommended there, or that she necessarily is "using" the OP for support. That's what friends do for each other, I know because I heard it in a song.
I could be wrong and maybe just picking up on the OP's telegraphed hopes, but my initial reaction was that maybe she regrets the decision she made about this guy over whatever may have been developing with the OP.
I agree with Esh as to what to do. Whether something is between you two or not, it's the right course.
I just realized I do this all the damn time. I'll think "heads - this, tales - that" and decide one way or the other regardless of outcome. It's how I broke up with my ex (Go out drinking with her and her friends, or stay home and bury my head in the sand. I flipped and went out with her and discovered first hand how much of a bitch she really is.)
Sorry for being such an idiot.
She sounds like she rebounded on this guy, I have no idea what that says about their relationship, if it'll last or not but I would put my money on not.
You seem to be doing everything you can right now without overstepping your personal bounds (you're not an advisor/meddler, this is fine, some people are, some aren't). This'll work in your favour if/when she breaks up with her current BF too since it won't seem like you insisted she break up with the dude.
Liming the first part because I disagree with the second. I been in similar position. She's using you as a sounding board, because she knows you will listen and she'll can vent.
I wouldn't go as far as making an ultimatum though, since you are her friend and that's what friends are for. You just shouldn't read more into it than it is.
I play "Rock Paper Scissors" to decide, I ask a friend to play rock paper scissors with me, and if I win, one thing, if they win the other...then I make up my own mind.
As for what to do, I've been in this situation a few times with varying degrees of similarity. I usually was patient and waited it out, and then tried to ask her out later. This did not happen with my fiancée, we became really good friends first (like you're describing, staying up way-later than we should). We decided not to date...and then I realized I couldn't live without this woman and now I'm so happy I got her.
So, I guess I'm saying that it may work out for you, I got a few dates out of it, and she sounds like a great girl for you...but I personally didn't get lasting relationships "waiting it out". Of course ymmv...because, hey, relationships.
I'd rather a girl know i was interested and not approach the "friend zone" than her not know the extent of my feelings and me constantly be her male support structure when guys screw her over. god knows i did that enough in high school/college.
This is 100% her relying on you (using you) for emotional support. You are her "teddy bear", the person who comforts her when her relationship sucks; but frankly if she was truly interested in you, she would've already broken up with her boyfriend and started dating you. You make her feel good about herself because you're entirely willing to talk to her for hours; it's a bit of a self-esteem boost. She's using you.
Personally this is what I think you should do: Stop hanging out with her late night, stop having hours-long phone calls, continue to be her friend. If she calls to complain about her boyfriend, you should say, "Have you brought this problem up with <Boyfriend>? I think you should talk to him. That's the best way to solve things like this." You can still be her friend. But if you keep going the way you are going, you are going to get badly hurt if/when you guys start dating and she breaks up with you to go back to her boyfriend.
edit: And for future reference, I'm gonna second Makershot's recommendations: Ask the girl out when she is single! "Giving off vibes" doesn't always work - in fact it rarely works. It's much easier if one party just says, "let's go on a date" and you do that. If she says no, you can move on and not spend days and nights agonizing over whether you're reading her "vibes" correctly. This is something you should have done before this friend of yours asked her out. Now, I think it is probably too late.
The two bolded pieces seem to be in direct contradiction of each other. Little confused here. Unless you mean "for next time".
You've become her kleenex.
OP, a girl is not a fruit on a tree, waiting for someone to come by and pluck her up. She has more say on who she's dating than you, her exboyfriend, etc., and she didn't "skip" you to go to a new boy; she's just not that into you.
Ya. Your (OP's) first mistake was trying to give out "vibes" when you were both single. You like someone? ASK THEM OUT. They'll either say yes and you'll get to see if you two match up or she'll say no and that's that. But right now, she just needed someone to talk to because her boyfriend is sort of a jerk and oh hey, you're fun to talk to so that's why you're having long conversations.
Some people can be friends and then become lovers, it happens. If she ditches her boyfriend then ask her out, and even sometimes ask her out anyway. You really have to feel this out for yourself.
Another thing is that just because she is using you for emotional support doesn't mean that is a bad thing. That is what friends are for. If it really makes you that uncomfortable don't do it, but if you can handle that kind of thing then there is nothing wrong with listening to a friends problems.
One more thing, just because someone tells you their problems doesn't mean they aren't interested in you either.
Like I said earlier, these are just things you have to kind of feel out for yourself. Try to determine what is true, not just what you want to be true. There are few hard and fast rules about these things.
but they're listening to every word I say
I mean, don't try to take advantage of her vulnerability but don't castrate yourself either. when you take yourself of the board as a romantic option, more often then not, she will follow that lead.
With situations like this though, sometimes the girl just likes to have someone to talk to.
Be there for her and expect nothing out of it except a friendship.
I wish I could tell you what to do guy, but I wish you all the best.
3DS FC: 5343-7720-0490
I'm exactly the same.
Esh is right about men and women being friends. It's possible and many of us are in such friendships. She may be interested in you; no one is saying otherwise! But it's not a sure thing and you should probably limit your involvement with her boyfriend to advice for the time being. If they break up, you can ford that bridge then.
She may (or may not) be romantically interested in you, yes.
You are certainly romantically interested in her. Otherwise there would have been no reason to make this thread.
Whether you are interested in becoming romantically involved with someone who is already in a relationship is up to you and is not really the issue here; the issue is whether you want to become involved with her or not. Doing things like filling these emotional voids in her romantic life and going on 'non-dates' is a disservice to both of you and is virtually guaranteed to ultimately end in tears; either for her when her boyfriend finds out about your role in her life, or for you when she moves on and no longer needs an emotional crutch.
If you want to be friends, be friends. If you want to be romantically involved, tell her that and do whatever you think you need to do.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
Because you like her as more than a friend, this may or may not be a problem. If it hurts to be friend, you should probably let her know that you can't be there for her in the same way anymore. If you enjoy being just her friend there is no reason to change the situation.
If she ends up single again ask her out. In the mean time, lean your lesson and don't hesitate to ask the girl out the next time (her or someone else). There is nothing wrong with a rebound relationship as long as you aren't taking advantage of the person. I married my rebound guy.
She sees you as a friend. She is not attracted to you sexually or romantically. Yes, friends can turn into lovers (and vice versa) but in this case it sounds pretty clear cut to me. It is normal to fall in love with friends, but if something has not happened by now - after many nights staying up late, just "talking"? - then you should stop thinking about it and go after other girls.
You can tell her that you are into her, and it may turn out well. But there is a much greater chance that she will feel surprised and probably betrayed. The reason is simple: for a long time she has been revealing lots of personal things to you, and you haven't been anywhere near as honest and open.
I didn't see anyone else mention this, so I will:
Some women (and some men, for that matter) have a back-burner. I don't want to date you right now. I may have better prospects, I may think you're not good enough YET but have potential, I may just be legitimately busy with things other than a relationship (career, family, education, health, etc). BUT, I can definitely see where you and I could happen down the line, once things have calmed down or you've gotten better looking or my priorities have changed to someone who is reliable versus someone who could be a model. Thus, you go on the backburner. I'll keep the flame on, I may even stir the pot from time to time, but I'm not hungry enough to actually eat that yet.
There's nothing wrong with this...I've put girls on the backburner, I've been on girls' backburner, and both versions did in fact lead to relationships of varying success.
But the important thing is, never let being on the backburner be good enough.
I had a crush on a girl back in 8th grade, nothing ever happened (we may have actually spoken maybe five times from 6th-12th grade). I didn't lose a lot of sleep over it. Six years after we had graduated, I got a myspace message from her and responded, kicking off a decent conversation. I lived in Portugal at the time, but still made it back to our hometown (where she still lived) a couple times a year, and when I did so, we would hang out and flirt, but take it no further because we lived in other countries.
This went on for two years. Neither of us had been on more than one or two dates with another person in that time. I finally told her that, despite the significant geographical distance, I was interested. She was honest in telling me that she could see it down the line, but this wasn't the right time. I was on her backburner.
I didn't get upset, it was perfectly reasonable. We were in different countries. So I put her on my backburner, knowing that (for reasons not involving her) I was planning to move back to that hometown in the next year or so anyhow.
I put her on my backburner too. We still talked and hung out just as often as we used to...the difference was she was no longer my number one prospect. I opened up to the possibility of dating other girls. As chance would have it, I met another girl just six months before I was planning to move back to my hometown. We fell in love fast and hard, and actually moved back to the hometown with me.
There's no way to know, of course, but I definitely think I'm much happier in this relationship than I would have been if I ever worked my way off the other girl's backburner.
Long story, but here's the lesson:
tl;dr: There's nothing wrong with being on her backburner, and you CAN work your way to the front. But don't lose sleep over it. Put her on your backburner too. Still talk and hang out and whatever, but pursue other relationships like you're single, because you are. It will happen or it won't, but one way or the other, you'll be happy.
It's also my experience that, regardless of whatever genuine reason women may have for not being in a relationship with you, if they like you enough then they will find and even invent excuses (in their minds) to at least sleep with you.
Start dating again rather than waiting for her to maybe break up with her boyfriend and maybe date you.
I'm not saying to present an ultimatum, because that rarely if ever works out. I am saying to brush off her "complaining" like a bad habit, because every time she sees you, she associates her problems with you.
If you want to make an honest go at this, you need to start turning things around. You can let her vent about her problems for a bit, but don't try to solve them, just casually sidestep them and move on to more positive subject material. Start getting into her head that you = great time, instead of you = emotional support.
Above all, don't dump your feelings on her, cause right now it would pretty much get you blacklisted.