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Problems in the Bedroom
AlternateAcct
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So recently I've been having problems maintaining an erection while having sex with my GF (i wouldnt lose it if I was actually... inside her, but it was always a race to get on the condom, lets say). Well, this seemed to go away when I stopped watching or masturbating to porn at all. I mentioned it to my Doctor and he said the reasons for erection trouble are usually fatigue or stress. I guess what I'm asking is could my watching porn really be causing me to lose erections easier? The odd thing is I don't really lose them quickly when I was masturbating. I think it might have something to do with it happening a few times, than I worry about it happening, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Although like I said, it becomes less of a problem (significantly less?) if I haven't looked at porn for 5+ days.
Also, another question: My GF can't seem to orgasm, or rather, she has me stop if I'm fingering her or going down on her because she gets overwhelmed she says. We talked about possibly going past this to see if it would lead to an orgasm, because we were both virgins before we met each other so neither of us have too much experience with this. She says that it feels like she might orgasm when we're actually having intercourse, which from everything I've read, sounds odd, as most women can get off with just clitoral stimulation? (Or am I wrong on this fact?)
Also, another question: My GF can't seem to orgasm, or rather, she has me stop if I'm fingering her or going down on her because she gets overwhelmed she says. We talked about possibly going past this to see if it would lead to an orgasm, because we were both virgins before we met each other so neither of us have too much experience with this. She says that it feels like she might orgasm when we're actually having intercourse, which from everything I've read, sounds odd, as most women can get off with just clitoral stimulation? (Or am I wrong on this fact?)
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I'd be wary of labeling anything involving your girlfriend and her particular needs as "odd." It's an unfortunate choice of words. In any case, try out different stuff. It'll probably help if she practices a little on her own
If your body associates porn with erections and sexual stimulation more than it does with your girlfriend and condoms, then yes, porn is essentially causing this. It sounds like you've already solved the problem, and since this girlfriend is the first you've had sex with you are probably still nervous around her. Masturbating is a pretty private activity for most people which also means you're under no pressure to perform -- you do it, it feels good, that's that. Sex is typically different -- you do it with another person, which is obviously more complex.
I'm not sure why it's taking you so long to put a condom on, though -- those things go on pretty fast. Unless you're fumbling in the dark with your parents upstairs, I suppose. I think for many young men, putting a condom on is less about how it "feels different" and more about the sudden realization of "Holy crap, putting this on means I'm going to have sex with another person! OMG." And then you panic and whoops. In your case, it sounds like by going without porn or masturbating for a while, your desire for sexual stimulation overwhelms that panic.
From everything that I've read, dudes stay hard wearing a condom. Seriously though, there's a pretty significant difference between "women" and "your woman." Again, this is more complicated than dudes because dudes generally get off with one type of motion (well some dudes need anal or scrotal stimulation, but whatever), whereas women have, let's say, 2.5 parts: the clitoris, the vagina, and their breasts. Some women get off with one (or 1.5), the other, both, or neither. Some women will need you to have normal intercourse and rub her clitoris at the same time, while others will orgasm with just vaginal stimulation. Some need to get themselves off, and others will get off via oral sex by itself or oral sex plus digits or a simple sex toy. Some need sex toys period.
I think for women one of the better approaches is to ask how she masturbates, and if she doesn't, then that is probably the start of the "problem." Just like I mentioned above, sex with another person adds a new layer of emotions to the mix, and she might simply not be able to get to that point with someone else there. But you shouldn't "force it" or try to get her off against her will as you're more likely to simply make her sore or sensitive than cause any good feelings.
Edit: No no no no no do not "power through" that uncomfortable feeling she gets from extended clitoral stimulation, unless she wants to. Anecdotally, I can tell you that some women do not like the sensations they will get from extended, direct clitoral stimulation. She may find that she's too sensitive for that, and prefer the indirect sensations she gets from other "activities."
Also to your point eggy toast: It's not necessarily taking me a while to put on a condom, but we've had some problems getting in (not as easy to feel) after I put the condom on. Maybe we should be having sex with the lights on so its easier to see? I don't know.
If she says "ugh, this is frustrating -- let's just see what happens! Don't stop!" then you should do what she says. That's just common bedroom courtesy. ;D
Why is it dark? Do you not like what your girlfriend looks like naked?
Seriously though, more to your specific situation it seems like you're easily stimulated visually -- you enjoy porn, you can get hard with your girlfriend, you arguably like seeing her take her clothes off, etc. Now you say that it's dark and you can't see to actually begin having sex. It sounds like you're just a visual person, like a lot of people. Having the lights on so your girlfriend can see you might help her out as well.
Eggy has some good advice in that you should ask how she gets herself off, and then go from there. Definitely communicate and have her tell you what works and what doesn't.
Definitely leave the lights on so you can see what you're doing down there, there's nothing more likely to turn Mr. Happy into Mr. Frowny they trying to find your way around down there.
When she's "overwhelmed" is she getting flushed, and breathing heavily? that sounds like the point right before orgasm, and i've heard that can scare girls the first time. (hence the power through advice i imagine)
if it's a pain thing, definitely stop when she tells you to, or you may find yourself not getting any while she ices down her lady bits.
Porn allows you to not worry or think about the erection, so you dont lose it. Eventually you will become more and more comfortable to the point where losing it isnt an issue. With my first partner it was similar. Heck I just had a bacherlors party where I couldnt really get a boner with a lapdance because I was way too nervous and felt awkward.
Its a catch 22 though, because until the problem starts going away, the first thing your going to be thinking is "OMG I gotta get this condom on and my penis inside her before I ruin this!" Which, isnt the most fun way to have the sex.
Does she "help" you out? Or is it just boner-condom-vagina?
It may help if she gave some attention down there, but at the same time if you ask for it youll likely get even more focused on maintaining it, and might lose it quicker.
Then again, I could be way off and it could just be stress. But, in a young man, I doubt its physical, and its likely mental.
All you can really do at that point - if it's the same thing - is let her take over on herself, or apply more pressure and see if that helps at all. It's not your fault that it's happening, you aren't doing anything wrong, it just happens -- and it's frustrating for those of us that it happens to!
Potentially your body might be used to rising quickly and finishing promptly through your porn habit. I'd cut back. Also - foreplay is your friend.
Foreplay is a really useful tool for both your situations. There's absolutely no hurry remember. If you're all "lights off, under the covers" try mixing it up. make sure the room is warm, get some candles and start... exploring. The longer you prolong it and the more you get turned on the better it gets. Remember, with foreplay if you're new, it's about figuring out what each other likes and responds to. A learning experience, so communicate throughout and have a laugh while enjoying it.
Re: Her.
As started above - sex is so much more that either clitoral or penile stimulation. Use foreplay to figure out what she likes and remove all pressure on her to come. I had a GF that found it hard to orgasm, she was really worried about it. I just smiled and said "Awesome. I'm going to have all kinds of fun helping you out. And if it doesn't happen, then darn - we'll try again another time..." She found it really easy after that - and I know of women that had to "learn to orgasm". Listen to her, and never assume you know more about her than she does. In sex, very little is "normal" or "weird".
It's not a myth when people say the largest erotic organ is the brain. If you concentrate too much on the physical, then you might encounter these kinds of frustrations.
EDIT: Some women don't dig direct finger stimulation. Some love it, some find it too rough. If she's a virgin, she's probably quite sensitive and it might be uncomfortable. Try oral, and try slowing the movement down.
As others have said before me, "overwhelmed" is a vague word to go on, but it's not uncommon to hear from women that the feeling write before orgasm is uncomfortable (the pre-sneezing feeling is a good comparison) and if that's what it is then pushing through it, carefully, may do the trick.
Obviously if "overwhelmed" is physical pain or chafing, that advice doesn't apply.
Edit: Also, why are you guys only doing it in the dark? Is there an actual reason?
I've dated two girls who felt "overwhelmed" by oral sex, in the sense that someone described above. They were never quite getting to orgasm, but were becoming more and more sensitive, to the point where it was no longer pleasurable. I guess this is a good place for OP to talk it out with the girlfriend to see if it's just pre-orgasmic build up, or a signifier that without penetration she's going to have trouble orgasming and will want to switch activities.
As far as I've talked with my GF about what overwhelmed means, its that shes getting very sensitive down there, not pain, but to the point that it usually becomes uncomfortable. I've tried going down on her as well and that has the same "problem", she really likes it, but it doesn't get her to orgasm. I also haven't been putting any pressure on her (or so I think), we've just been trying to figure it out gradually like some of you have said.
On a different note about the porn: Does anyone know of any good porn blocking software? I want to keep myself from being tempted to look at it.
Some girls have all kinds of mental barriers between them and their first orgasm. Does she masturbate?
https://medium.com/@alascii
Haven't asked her, but I doubt it.
Some women can orgasm easily via masturbation, but have a much, much harder time with a partner, just because the sensation is completely different.
It is natural for her not to achieve orgasm until her mid 20s. Even then, there could be a trick to it. Some women can only climax through intercourse, cunnilingus, fingering or whatever else you can come up with. As her body matures she will unlock the orgasm achievement, she can communicate what floats her boat to you and then you can go to town.
If you are having problems keeping it hard with a condom on, try other condoms.
Gonna add on: She shouldn't feel like she isn't adequate or that her body is not performing. It is not something you can force, it will come out on its own. You might have to work with her and support her if she starts feeling depressed about it. Being comfortable with your own body goes a long way in a relationship.
If it is taking too long to 'get it in', is it a lubrication issue? Use lube if you aren't. Some girl's natural lubrication isn't slippery enough, even if it seems like they are soaking wet, and particularly when using condoms. Is it an issue of 'finding the hole'? Try having her guide you in.
1. Stress
2. Medication to control high blood pressure (Hypertension)
3. Low Testosterone
4. Physical damage to the penis (trauma, being kicked by Bruce Lee down there, etc)
5. Poor diet
6. Age (A decline in sex drive is observed in men over 40)
7. Religion
8. Uncontrolled High Blood Pressure (Hypertension)
9. Alcohol
Watching porn is not a cause, but could make you see your partner not as attractive as Teagan Presley
It absolutely can be a cause. You can pretty much desensitize yourself to anything but porn. It's not like we're saying watching porn = erectile dysfunction all the time.
10. Diabetes
edit: To the OP, just take it slowly for her first orgasm. Sometimes it can be kinda scary, you don't necessarily know what you're feeling or what is happening. Also you need to get your girl to relax and not think about it - overthinking is the best way to kill the feeling and lose the potential to orgasm.
I've certainly heard that a lot of women at the very least, have particular difficulty achieving orgasm until their 20s(probably was indeed Loveline), but that could be because the parties involved just don't have a lot of experience with sex at that age.
There are plenty of studies where people who watch porn get a warped view about sex and how they view their partners. Also remember in some psych class in college porn can make you self conscience about your body that you loose interest in actual intercourse. The only thing the amount you watch varies as what's considered harmful
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-out-your-mind/201009/watching-porn-the-problem-must-not-be-named
They may allow their viewing patterns to become a barrier between themselves and their partners or may risk their financial security by viewing pornography while on the job.
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
I think there may be some misremembering here with regards to vaginal orgasms and clitoral orgasms. I don't know about a specific age statistic, but most women will never achieve vaginal orgasm through intercourse. That's just how it is.
You hear that almost every show on Loveline (I listen on the way home from work and hear it constantly) because there are so many callers concerned with not being able to reach climax that way.
I can say that my girlfriend was able to reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation as young as age 16.
Edit: That was nine years ago. Just to clear up any gasps that might occur.