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Loneliness...having hard time finding people I want to be friends with
NightDragon
6th Grade UsernameRegistered User regular
6th Grade UsernameRegistered User regular
Anybody else have this problem?
Super-Dooper Wall of Text (my apologies)
Some general background info: I'm 23, a lady-female, just finished college, am back home with a dull local job...have been applying here and there to my dream jobs that actually relate to my field...hoping that when I can finally land those jobs, it might be easier for me to find the types of friends I'm looking for.
tl;dr - Lonely as hell, because I don't feel like my peers can relate to me at all....in experiences, maturity, world view, general skills and talents, etc. Don't really know what to do about it, as it seems I keep weeding out more people I realize are bad friends, if friends at all...without finding any friends to replace them - the types of "friends" everybody seems to talk about...friends that understand eachother, can relate to one another in multiple things, actually care about one another, etc.
To be honest part of me just wonders if the types of people I'm looking for are just really rare, and that's why I so rarely find them...and that's not something that can be fixed.
On a related note: I've been a member of Penny Arcade for a number of years, and find that you guys offer a lot of what I wish I could find in the people around me, locally. This forum has offered me hours of intelligent discussion, laughter, and kindness over the years...from people all over the world, from different walks of life, with varied experiences and a whole lotta accumulated knowledge and skills. I just wish it was as easy to find people who ran in similar circles offline as it is online. :P
Super-Dooper Wall of Text (my apologies)
Some general background info: I'm 23, a lady-female, just finished college, am back home with a dull local job...have been applying here and there to my dream jobs that actually relate to my field...hoping that when I can finally land those jobs, it might be easier for me to find the types of friends I'm looking for.
Over the years it seems I've been slowly cutting off people I used to consider "friends", once I realized that they're not the greatest friends, and/or we don't have a very fulfilling friendship at all, and/or I really can't stand them all that much but I hang around because hey, it's something to do, and I'm a social animal and these are people with whom I can interact, even if 95% of the time I feel completely excluded, sitting there in the room with them, watching them all laugh about something I find incredibly stupid.
I've kept a few friends, but even people I've really enjoyed being around (and obviously vice-versa, for them) have kinda trickled off my radar for the most part, partially as a result of me not keeping up enough contact with them, and partially as a result of me thinking that they don't really care...(because I also wonder, "why am I the only one who's trying to keep the friendship going?")
As a result now I have two "best" friends, and I sometimes struggle in trying to avoid how much parts of their personality really, really aggravate me.
I have a handful of "good" friends that I see on occasion, not very often, who offer some nice, temporary companionship. I still get a feeling that I'm not on their "important list", and we don't end up hanging out more than those couple of times over the course of a few months.
I've been cutting out more people than I've been adding, but I feel like I just can't stand a lot of people. Almost all of the people I meet fall into categories like:
• Person who likes my company because I amuse them and make them laugh, and it's entirely one-sided and unfulfilling to me
• Person who drinks for recreation and does little else (I'm not a huge drinker and I can't for the life of me understand how drinking every single weekend would be fun)
• Immature and petty, thinking their drama about "this girl looked at my boyfriend and now I'm going to fight her" is something I'd be interested in hearing
• Only talking to me because they're a guy and I'm a female and they think they can get into my pants
A lot of this is probably just due to the fact that the people I'm meeting are friends-of-friends, or friends-of-friends-of-friends, and have similar traits that link them together - I don't know.
I've often thought about how maybe I'm just not looking at the right age group - most of my good friends have ended up being older than me...but I'm faced with a conundrum when I realize that older people often intimidate me (when they're older by 3+ years). Even though I feel like I might have a better chance of friendship in an older age group, I sometimes get really shy and introverted and end up feeling unworthy of their company. I don't really know why.
I'm pretty intelligent in comparison to many of my peers who are within a year or two of my age...I'm pretty highly skilled in multiple areas - artistically, musically, academically, and whatnot. I read a lot. I've been made fun of because I use vocabulary most people don't (apparently?) when having a conversation. I'm highly motivated to succeed, and highly competitive. School has never, in my life, been a challenge to me, and I've sometimes been hated for that. The subject didn't matter, I always excelled with minimal effort. Because my peers didn't, it was extremely rare that I could voice my own frustrations without being hated for them - because the challenges I was dealing with were above everybody elses' skill levels.
I often feel extremely alone and like I just make up an elaborate façade so I can fit in with other people. "Yeah, I'd love to go to the bar. Boy, that assignment was really tough. That dumb joke sure is funny. Your petty problems are sure important, and yes, you're being absolutely reasonable in your handling of the situation".
I've also been abused, emotionally and physically, for a handful of years in my life by my family, and part of me feels like there's a seriousness in me borne from those experiences...experiences that I think gave me a larger world-view at a young age. I had to figure out and adapt to my own moral code at 10 years of age, and construct a strong, stable mentality in regards to my life that would allow me to stick through the next 8 years I knew I'd have to go through, and could not escape. A lot of people I meet who are my age have never faced hardships like that, and I feel, in part, like it distances me from them...I hear their petty stories and try to act shocked, when really, it all seems so childish to me. There are worse things out there, more important problems, and they all seem so focused in these tiny little aspects of their young lives, unable to see the larger picture.
I'm a really nice person. When I go to parties, I virtually get along with everybody I meet. People really seem to enjoy my company. Some people think I'm pretty dern funny. I love being social and outgoing and talking with people.
I just have a hard time finding people I want to be friends with...and as I get older, the fewer people I seem to find with whom I even want to be friends with. The older I get, the more distanced I feel from people. I have a lot of great qualities, but I feel like a lot of other people don't match up, and however shitty I feel saying that, and knowing how egotistical that sounds...it's the truth.
So what do I do? Am I being ridiculous and too picky? Is this just what friendships are, and I'm just being stupid? So many people I know seem to find friends so easily...like many of them seem to find boyfriends or girlfriends so easily, like they have so few standards, that dozens of people will easily fit the bill. I don't know if I'm just being too picky, or if this is just my life, and I'm doomed to be lonely for most of it, because I can't find people with whom I feel I can relate.
I've kept a few friends, but even people I've really enjoyed being around (and obviously vice-versa, for them) have kinda trickled off my radar for the most part, partially as a result of me not keeping up enough contact with them, and partially as a result of me thinking that they don't really care...(because I also wonder, "why am I the only one who's trying to keep the friendship going?")
As a result now I have two "best" friends, and I sometimes struggle in trying to avoid how much parts of their personality really, really aggravate me.
I have a handful of "good" friends that I see on occasion, not very often, who offer some nice, temporary companionship. I still get a feeling that I'm not on their "important list", and we don't end up hanging out more than those couple of times over the course of a few months.
I've been cutting out more people than I've been adding, but I feel like I just can't stand a lot of people. Almost all of the people I meet fall into categories like:
• Person who likes my company because I amuse them and make them laugh, and it's entirely one-sided and unfulfilling to me
• Person who drinks for recreation and does little else (I'm not a huge drinker and I can't for the life of me understand how drinking every single weekend would be fun)
• Immature and petty, thinking their drama about "this girl looked at my boyfriend and now I'm going to fight her" is something I'd be interested in hearing
• Only talking to me because they're a guy and I'm a female and they think they can get into my pants
A lot of this is probably just due to the fact that the people I'm meeting are friends-of-friends, or friends-of-friends-of-friends, and have similar traits that link them together - I don't know.
I've often thought about how maybe I'm just not looking at the right age group - most of my good friends have ended up being older than me...but I'm faced with a conundrum when I realize that older people often intimidate me (when they're older by 3+ years). Even though I feel like I might have a better chance of friendship in an older age group, I sometimes get really shy and introverted and end up feeling unworthy of their company. I don't really know why.
I'm pretty intelligent in comparison to many of my peers who are within a year or two of my age...I'm pretty highly skilled in multiple areas - artistically, musically, academically, and whatnot. I read a lot. I've been made fun of because I use vocabulary most people don't (apparently?) when having a conversation. I'm highly motivated to succeed, and highly competitive. School has never, in my life, been a challenge to me, and I've sometimes been hated for that. The subject didn't matter, I always excelled with minimal effort. Because my peers didn't, it was extremely rare that I could voice my own frustrations without being hated for them - because the challenges I was dealing with were above everybody elses' skill levels.
I often feel extremely alone and like I just make up an elaborate façade so I can fit in with other people. "Yeah, I'd love to go to the bar. Boy, that assignment was really tough. That dumb joke sure is funny. Your petty problems are sure important, and yes, you're being absolutely reasonable in your handling of the situation".
I've also been abused, emotionally and physically, for a handful of years in my life by my family, and part of me feels like there's a seriousness in me borne from those experiences...experiences that I think gave me a larger world-view at a young age. I had to figure out and adapt to my own moral code at 10 years of age, and construct a strong, stable mentality in regards to my life that would allow me to stick through the next 8 years I knew I'd have to go through, and could not escape. A lot of people I meet who are my age have never faced hardships like that, and I feel, in part, like it distances me from them...I hear their petty stories and try to act shocked, when really, it all seems so childish to me. There are worse things out there, more important problems, and they all seem so focused in these tiny little aspects of their young lives, unable to see the larger picture.
I'm a really nice person. When I go to parties, I virtually get along with everybody I meet. People really seem to enjoy my company. Some people think I'm pretty dern funny. I love being social and outgoing and talking with people.
I just have a hard time finding people I want to be friends with...and as I get older, the fewer people I seem to find with whom I even want to be friends with. The older I get, the more distanced I feel from people. I have a lot of great qualities, but I feel like a lot of other people don't match up, and however shitty I feel saying that, and knowing how egotistical that sounds...it's the truth.
So what do I do? Am I being ridiculous and too picky? Is this just what friendships are, and I'm just being stupid? So many people I know seem to find friends so easily...like many of them seem to find boyfriends or girlfriends so easily, like they have so few standards, that dozens of people will easily fit the bill. I don't know if I'm just being too picky, or if this is just my life, and I'm doomed to be lonely for most of it, because I can't find people with whom I feel I can relate.
tl;dr - Lonely as hell, because I don't feel like my peers can relate to me at all....in experiences, maturity, world view, general skills and talents, etc. Don't really know what to do about it, as it seems I keep weeding out more people I realize are bad friends, if friends at all...without finding any friends to replace them - the types of "friends" everybody seems to talk about...friends that understand eachother, can relate to one another in multiple things, actually care about one another, etc.
To be honest part of me just wonders if the types of people I'm looking for are just really rare, and that's why I so rarely find them...and that's not something that can be fixed.
On a related note: I've been a member of Penny Arcade for a number of years, and find that you guys offer a lot of what I wish I could find in the people around me, locally. This forum has offered me hours of intelligent discussion, laughter, and kindness over the years...from people all over the world, from different walks of life, with varied experiences and a whole lotta accumulated knowledge and skills. I just wish it was as easy to find people who ran in similar circles offline as it is online. :P
NightDragon on
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Also, there is a lot to be said for faking happiness and that, oddly, allows it to come more freely to you. You are probably your biggest road block here.
Even though I post like an idiot for fun on SE++, I have also been made fun of for my word choice in conversations!
I'm kind of developing the façade here at college and it's really annoying to have to interact with people on this level. My advice is not to settle for it.
EX: There are a lot of girls here. Despite my assertions, I'm don't actually have the features of a ghoul so I could easily find female companionship. I could settle for what is essentially a carbon copy of the women on Jersey Shore, but fuck that, man! When I make a joke about Otto Von Bismark kind of being a proto-hipster because he didn't care if people liked him, I want the lady I'm hanging out with to get that shit.
Just keep being you, maybe try to do some public activity things that would attract your sort of people. Good luck.
P.S. Your arts are ballin', are you still doing that?
I used to have a buttload of friends in highschool that I got along really well with, but over the last several years, those friends have dwindled down to a select few.
I didn't make many friends in college, because I just couldn't relate. I wasn't into drinking, or partying, or smoking hookah, or taking drugs (my school has at least 1 drug related death a year...), or going out every single night to talk about bullshit that I honestly didn't care about at all. I made a little bit more than a handful of good friends at college, but most of them either dropped out, or transferred to a different school. I also commute, so it's hard to be able to hang out after class without getting home really early, or costing a lot of money...
I got supremely bummed out for a while, because it seemed that I was either too picky with the people at school, or the friends I already had were not contacting me to hang out, not to mention I managed to alienate a lot of my friends due to being in an abusive relationship (he didn't want me to see my friends, and I felt crazy and lost...)
So, I understand what you're going through, for the most part. It's not easy.
This year my boyfriend (not the abusive one. Managed to get out of that one over a year ago), and I decided to try meetup.com to try and meet people who were into the same things we are (Boardgaming, videogames, movies, etc), and we managed to find a couple who are turning out to be pretty good friends! I really can't advocate Meetup.com enough, really.
If you ever need to talk, I'd be more than happy to lend an ear.
Edit: Sorry if it's a bit jumbled. Haven't been able to sleep lately!
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
Do you have close friends on the internet?
Are there any family members you do get along with?
I don't really have any answers for you. Half the time I'm a bad person with completely selfish motives and half the time I genuinely care and sacrifice time and resources for people when that much effort probably isn't needed. Sometimes I'm brilliant and sometimes I'm blindingly stupid. Sometimes I display incredible skill and sometimes I'm just useless. Basically, I think I'm damaged beyond repair and I deal with it. I have my guesses why, but the damage is done no matter how much I think about it. I accept that I enjoy the company of the people I enjoy and I don't like the people I don't like. I accept that I have a dark sense of humor that scares some people.
Sometimes I enjoy my friends and peers, but sometimes I'm just bored with them and sick of them and don't even want to be around them. Sometimes everyone seems so predictable and sometimes not.
So while I'm not as great as you say you are (and that's honest to god not meant in a bad way at all, just the simplest way for me to say it) I think sometimes I know how you feel. That's really all I've got.
The future you - (that's Alyce, who is cool and wise)
and you in the present sort of - (that's Underwhelming, who is "Not that bad at all" apparently)
...I kind of just felt like this was a giant "A Christmas Carol" thing...
Cool!
Being forced out of the comfort zone of having an established and secure social circle and into a place where you feel completely alone and need friends is really, really hard.
It's taken a lot of time to switch gears. At first, I didn't want new friends - I wanted my old ones back, before everything went to shit. Only now am I even partially willing to give new people a chance. Has it payed off? No, not yet. There are some pretty ok people but nobody I feel a connection with the way I used to. But as with everything else, you have to separate the wheat from the chaff.
The only way to meet quality friends is to take the chance of making bad ones. It's a game of numbers - just talk to people.
Do you live in an urban area, or is it pretty rural?
Basically I just started talking with people everywhere; bookstores, subways, bus stops, coffee shops. Then I started getting creative; I needed to get some life drawing gesture work in my sketchbook, so I started showing up at dojos/open gymnastic gyms/stage combat classes/etc (after discussing it with the people in charge of course) and killed two birds with one stone; plugging in sketchbook time and meeting interesting people.
I'm in a very dense urban setting, so I have a lot of options available to me at the moment. It's not the best example I know, but when I went back home to Texas for the holidays, the same tactics still worked.
You just really gotta make an effort to go meet people. I'm actually very grateful I didn't have the luxury of having a robust college population with thousands of student bodies to chat with, because now I can start chatting up with new people in any situation without sweating it out too much.
I don't want to say to lower your standards on what you expect in a friend, but in the beginning it's better to aim broad and chisel it down as you get better and have more options available.
Wait, why am I modding again?
Well anyway, it sounds like you've been through some shit, and I've been there, believe me. I don't know much about people, and the more I know the less I think I want to... but I do know one thing: You don't make friends by being skilled with music or doing art good. You can be the most talented person in the world and still be a fucking jerk.
You make friends by being nice - by going out there, and talking to everyone and hanging out, and yes, sometimes listening to their melodramatic bullshit. I'm not talking about going to a party and acting nice, but about actually being nice. Not because it's fun, or because you think it will land you an entry in their book of friends or whatever, but because to them it's not bullshit. It's their life and it's happening to them and that makes it important to them. If you care you just do it, and that makes it less of a bother, and anyway to them that's what you sound like. It's always good to have some perspective about these things - like the fact that your issues are only more important to you - something that hanging around with no one but people just like you can rob you of.
Here's something else - and I'm just going to point this out - your post leaves a heavy "I'm better than everyone around me and no one here is cool enough, why can't I make friends?" vibe in its wake. It's important to have people you can talk to who understand you and what you do, and your professional aspirations and all that, but that's not what makes a strong friendship.
I have a very good friend I've known since high school (good lord, 15 years now). We have very little in common... he's an artist, in fact, while I wouldn't know what to do with a pencil if I was being robbed and it was the only thing around to stab with. He doesn't know anything about all this polymerase stuff in the research I'm always on about. He is my best friend. We've seen the absolute worst of each other, and also the best of each other, and we forgave it all a long time ago. We can talk so easily now because we know all the crazy. I think that's what it's really about, and you can't really predict where that meaningful friendship will come from because building it takes a tremendous amount of time. If you'd told me in the first 4 years I knew the guy that it would come from him, I would have laughed in your face and then probably punched you because we REALLY didn't get along.
I guess what I'm saying is, don't burn bridges because you can solve math problems or play the viola and they can't. Don't dismiss someone out of hand because you feel like their problems are boring and stupid. Those things have very little to do with the kind of friendship you describe, and if you want to find it you should probably put that stuff out of your head. You say you're a really nice person, and then go on to say that no one you meet can really match up with you because they find meaning in different things... there's an inconsistency there, and the sooner you learn to recognize it, the happier you will be.
Kazaka - YESSS, exactly. Kinda comforting to hear other people have the same issues, heh. Also, thank you!
Alyce - Thanks, mang. That's good to hear that you've had success from Meetup, I'll try it out! I'm also happy to hear that you're doing well - I remember reading about your struggles with that D-Bag, and everything else that happened around then...so I'm glad to hear that things have improved
I feel like a complete idiot and worthless around people I think are superior to me...and sometimes, even with people I think are equal to me. When I think about a hypothetical situation in which I met the ideal person I want to be friends with - or even go out with - I realize that I'd feel unworthy of their company, even if our skills were perfectly matched, and we were equals through and through. Again, I'm not sure why I think like that.
I guess I have some "close friends on the internet", but I feel like I don't matter to them, for the most part, because we're not friends that see eachother in person on a regular basis, if ever.
There's only one family member I have who I get along great with...who I know cares about me, but she got married last year and moved to the next state over, and I don't really hear from her anymore...which makes me feel like again, I don't really matter that much.
Godfather - I live in the suburbs, 15 minutes from a major city (and Yale). The only reason most people even go to the city, though, is to get drunk at the dozens of bars there. Spending the money to head over there to "socialize" seems pretty pointless to me. There's a couple of local places to hang out, but in all seriousness, everybody knows everybody in my town, and most people my age who haven't yet moved away (or are still in college)...have not moved away because they don't know what they're doing with their lives. So those seem to be the only new people I meet.
I think it's also just disheartening to meet a bunch of people, have a handful of them be really interested in starting a friendship with me, and me just not pursuing anything because it's already obvious to me that it's not going to work out (for any of the above reasons I mentioned), or...they just want to get in my pants. It's like...I wish I could have people get to know me first, and my personality, and then meet me in person. I feel like that would weed out a lot of creeps.
Also people you don't necessarily like or think you might like can very well surprise you. 3 of my best friends I disliked and they ranged from disliking me to just not noticing me at all when we first met, but now almost a decade later we are best of friends. Also none of these 3 people are in anyway close to the same kind of person I am, but they bring a lot of interesting variation to my life, sometimes they can be annoying but most of the time they are awesome.
Basically I met one through a common interest and after months of interacting through that we discovered we meshed well, was introduced to his friends and after a few years of interacting through the common friend I learned to love these two additional friends too and now we form an inseperable group of 4 friends who hang out a lot and always have fun.
Took years before we got to that level, I honestly disliked everyone of them when I first met them (and they me), not because of what they were but due to how I percieved them to be which was stupid, constant party guys, I am by all of their own words by far the most intelligent in our group but that doesn't mean anything to the friendships really, they all have wonderful aspects that I love about them aswell as things that annoy me, same goes the other way.
This is the attitude that's holding you back. It's like you have some sort of internal ranking system that places people in order of quality, and you can't see outside your place in it. Then you go on to assume that everyone else has that same warped view of the world.
Stop it? Maybe get some therapy? I know people love to jump to the therapy answer around here (as well as all over it), but seriously, this does not seem an out-of-place suggestion here.
I'm not trying to be difficult or anything, but I knew it would come across like that to some people. It's extremely difficult to talk about myself like that, with any measure of confidence, because saying anything positive about myself ends up sounding egotistical to me. I don't mean to say that people need to be exactly like me for me to get along with them or like them, or even that they have to have the same skills I do. I'm not saying that I'm "pretending to be nice"...I'm saying that I'm pretending to have a good time, I guess. I am genuinely nice to people, I don't put on a smirk and act nice...but talking with people about things I think I've grown up from, or moved on from, does not provide a fulfilling interaction for me. I understand it is important to them, but that is the exact reason it makes me not want to be friends with them. I don't like to be friends with people I find aggressive and close-minded.
To be honest, though, when you say "understanding you and what you do" is not something that makes a strong friendship, I couldn't disagree more. If somebody doesn't understand me, I don't know how I could possibly develop a strong relationship with them. Everybody I've ever had a meaningful relationship with has understood at least a huge chunk of who I am.
I don't want you to get the impression that I see myself wandering through a sea of idiots, waiting to find somebody who is worthy of my time. That is completely far from the case. I interact with a bunch of different types of people, and I love that, and I love that I can do that. I'm nice, we can have a conversation, I can enjoy myself, we can laugh over something. But I don't feel, in the end, that it was ever that substantial. I've tried talking about stuff I care about, or about more complicated subjects, or about something a bit more involved and most peoples' eyes just glaze over. I can't have a meaningful relationship with somebody I can't connect with on more than a surface level. Again, I'm not saying "everybody is like this"...I'm saying that it also just might be that the people I'm interacting with are regularly from the same groups of people (interlocking circles of friends), and maybe the people I'm looking for are just outside of those circles.
I do not assume that anybody else I meet views others like that. That's entirely in my own head. They could be enjoying themselves, and I'd internally be worrying that I'm acting stupidly or weirdly.
I guess if you believe that I think I'm vastly superior to everybody else, there's no way I can try to explain myself to change that, after that OP...but yes, being better than a bunch of people at a couple of things has made me feel like an outcast. Being worse at anything with anybody I meet makes me feel bad.
[edit] and yes, I could probably benefit from some therapy. I'm not at all saying that my world view is perfect or the ideal or "totally, irrefutably correct". However, the issues I have with meaningful communication with other people is very, very real, and not a made-up problem that could be fixed if I just "stopped it" and "stopped thinking about myself so highly". I know there are millions of people out there who are better than me in a million different ways. But yes, I have skills, skills that are above-average, and I'm not going to pretend that they don't ostracize me to some degree from other people...because they do, and that's not something I made up in my own head.
The answer is yes. You are being ridiculous and too picky. Nobody has a dozens of wonderful close friends around them at all times because they have low standards. They have a few close friends that they tell everything to and do each other's hair or whatever, and then they get together and socialize with all those other people. They hang out and shoot the shit over video games or sword-fighting or makeup. If someone makes a lot of drama or never looks like they're having fun or whatever the case, they stop inviting that person because the goal isn't to get to know fifty people intimately, it's to kill time with other people, because they are social. You are looking at shadows on the wall but missing the substance, which in this case is that there is none.
The people with whom you truly connect will be incredibly few and far-between in your life, and it's the same way for pretty much everybody. If you want to hang out with people because you are social, hang out with people because you are social. Search out that meaningful friendship, but don't expect to find it around every corner, don't think that doing something differently will make you find it around every corner, and don't think that anyone else finds it so often, either. It's not sad. It's not bleak. It's what makes those special friendships special.
If you find yourself constantly annoyed with your own failures, and trying to hack down at your own faults to be the most successful ever, you will lose some of your ability to forgive others, especially those you have no commitment too. When you are in control of your mind you feel like you are always making conscious decisions and that you are always choosing A over B, but if you are in your head about this stuff you are blotting out certain information you could be taking in, for instance how other people are actually seeing you when you think they aren't understanding you.
I have no doubt that you are nice to people, or that you make friends that fizzle and fade out because you let them. I have no doubt that you arent judging people when you feel like you dont click, but I feel like you are loosing the spark because of the way you feel about yourself. You can not fix this by making more friends who think like you, you have to fix this by working through it.
I have a friend who I love dearly, who cares about little else over hockey, boobs, hockey... boobs and beer. I have surprisingly found my self caring about hockey (not the boobs) and he plays fallout now. IF I hadn't met him, I would not watch hockey, If we stop being friends, I dont think he'll pay as much attention to video games. We are friends just because. We talk about stuff but its not deep cosmic conversations, we are still friends, though I'm not sure how somtimes. Still, memories I would't trade for anything. I do have a closer best friend who I do have long engaging conversations with, that would glaze the eyes of my hockey friend, but it doesnt minimize that friendship.\
Ceres actually makes a far better point with this. I feel like you feel like you should be able to have more "shallow" relationships, But you cant view connections as shallow. Not every manor of friendship will be the same, or feel the same. You can intelligent yourself into any argument of making it okay, but social people will sniff "I dont see this friendship working out in long term, I want you to care about what I'm saying but I don't think you understand me, but I think I understand you." on you like bad cologne. I only think you project it because of how in your head you are. Being nice is not the same as being genuine, and thats what people are looking for.
While I can see what you guys are saying, and I've certainly developed relationships with people I was surprised to do so with...it also seems that a lot of these people were people I developed friends with over a verrrry long period of time (of course. I mean, nobody becomes "best buddies" with anybody else in a week). Like, years.
I guess I don't know what to do with all these people I meet who could become good friends like that...because I am completely incapable of keeping up super-solid friendships with that many people. I am definitely a social animal, but I also find joy in independence. I didn't keep in contact with a whole bunch of people in my first year of college because I knew I would transfer soon, hadn't gotten to know any of them extremely well, and couldn't see myself being able to keep up all the connections. I've seen some people that seem to have 20 "great friends", and I guess that means they keep in contact with those 20 people regularly enough to call them such. If I don't hear from somebody for a long while, it definitely seems to me like something between us has diminished, at least a tiny bit.
There is no magic to it, the way to keep in touch and have many friends is to put an effort into keeping it touch and having those friends. If you want to keep up with 20 people do it. I know "do it" isn't advice, but if we arent hitting any point about how you know you interact with people, there really isnt much else to say. You are a good nice person with the potential to be friends with awesome people. Awesome. Do it. Whats the problem?
If theres a problem though, then focus on you. I'm not asking you to see my point or where I'm coming from, I'm saying figure out where you are coming from, and why you feel lonely and why you asked the question in the first place. You don't feel lonely because you dont have friends, you feel lonely when you feel worthless. I have had many friends and I have had few, but when my anxiety was bad no amount helped.
But in particular, the most relevant, specific part of this to your main stated question about making friends: there's a strong vibe I pick up from your posts that, while here you are now out of college and fully into the adult world, part of what's unsettling you at this point is that you just haven't quite yet reached a comfortable "real world" aptitude in social skill.
(I have to disclaim for a moment here: people commonly take any negative judgment on their social skill as a personal insult. It's not. Social skill grows with experience like any other skill, it's not something that is written in stone deep down in your spirit.)
Friends are made naturally when you are young, and in school, and always have been, and around other people in that same general situation. There is so much shared experience to relate to, you bond over it without knowing at that time how you're doing it, and then you are also naturally going to continue to be around those same people for years which in itself strengthens bonds of affection that grow fairly deep.
But in the "real world" you will have to start over, and you will have to really learn how to forge connections in a way you haven't known consciously before. You'll need time and experience to adjust to being more adaptable to dealing every day with a far wider variety of different perspectives and interests - and the big reason why to work at adjusting and adapting to people even if you don't feel greatly hopeful about connecting with them, is that by doing that, in time you will gain an altogether new ability, to see past those different perspectives and interests and right down to the core of what's really going on in human social interactions.
This sense of human spirits interacting, and the ability to at least feel intuitively how that works independent of particular interests is a sense that I feel strong indications you have not fully developed, from your posts. But you will. At this point, frankly you'd be ahead of the curve if you had it down already. The most significant key to moving forward with this is simply that you have to keep providing yourself social experiences to experiment with and learn from. And taking those one at a time.
Steam: badger2d
progress
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Badger - I think you make some great points in your post, so thanks for that. That certainly makes sense!
edit: If you'd ever like to just talk on AIM, I'm usually around (not this moment, as Im going to bed) and don't worry about bothering me. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
I'm a pretty social person too, and right now I have 2-3 good friends. That's it. One I see all the time because I live with her, the others I get to see maybe twice a month because they're in the military. Don't get yourself so worried about how you're holding people to too high of a standard or whatever; I do the same thing, you just gotta keep looking until you find people that don't annoy the crap out of you :P
I can empathize with a lot of what you're saying. I've dismissed more than one social outing because it was 'a waste of time', or I just didn't feel comfortable going. I find it difficult to talk to people I feel are superior to me. And, for the most part, I haven't completely resolved these problems. In a way, though, I've been extremely lucky, because having gone to a selective high school I've managed to meet up with a few people who think the same way I do.
As far as I can tell, it seems impossible for one person to maintain more than a maximum five or six strong friendships at a time (as opposed to regular friendships or acquaintances) and generally the probably of you running in to someone you connect with on that level is fairly low. So obviously, interacting with more people will increase your probability of finding one of them. I know this sounds obvious, but for a long time I was just interacting with the same people I didn't really get along with, and it wasn't until I worked up the courage to start going to places I'd never been before that I started discovering entirely new social terrains.
Sometimes you need to throw yourself in to doing something you don't want to do. If you think you might not be getting anything 'productive' out of going to a party, remember that life experience, and even just having a new story to tell, can be a really valuable thing too. Even if I didn't end up enjoying a particular party, I almost always have some sort of story to tell by the end of the night, and maybe even a little more insight in to a world I don't really know anything about. If you haven’t found the people you’re looking for in the places you would usually go, then it makes sense to try looking somewhere that you’ve never looked before.
Remember that academic intelligence isn't the only form of intelligence there is, social intelligence also has a lot of value. You'll need to be dealing with people all your life, both the ones you want to deal with and the ones you don't, so try and learn something from your interactions. One of the most ‘intelligent’ things you can do is to keep an open mind, and consider viewpoints other than your own. I try approach each new person with the certainty that they know something that I don't, and then do my best to draw this out of them by showing that I'm genuinely interested in what they have to say. By the time I've finished a conversation with someone I'm new to, I generally try and make sure I've learned either something about them, or something from them.
My approach for talking to people to people I feel are 'superior' is generally to try and encourage them to do as much of the speaking as possible. Not only does this make me feel less uncomfortable, but it gives me a broader range of topics I can speak about without feeling like a dunce. Again, simply showing that you're interested in what someone has to say will probably be enough to get them to warm to you.
I think I might be just rambling now, so I'll cut it short here. It seems like we might have very similar minds, so I know how difficult this can be to deal with. I know you’re an awesome person, so just keep working on it and I’m sure you’ll find people just as awesome!
Hey, I can relate to this completely.
I moved around a lot when I was little. While I wasn't making friends, I was watching a ton of TV instead and getting all these unrealistic expectations about everything in life, including relationships. I'd go out into the real world wanting those kinds of relationships and situations and when things didn't happen exactly that way for me, I'd be disappointed.
Don't think something must be wrong with you because you're comparing your circle of friends to someone else's circle of friends. Of course they won't be the same. That's ok.
Anyways I might kind of sound like an elitist or an asshole, but you just have to put up with people. You aren't going to find people like the ones on the internet, especially since many people on the internet present themselves differently than how they would in real life. Not saying anyone is purposely misrepresenting themselves but they will be different in real life. You just need to try and fit in, its basically what I do. Although I am fine sitting in my room on a friday night.
It would be nice to get a solution for this, it makes hanging out with people awkward because all I can think is "How long until you don't want to hang out with this person anymore?".
I totally agree that it's important to have people around who understand your goals and ambitions, and who you can relate to - one of my friends once said (paraphrased) that his life 'got a lot better when he stopped trying to like the stuff his friends did just because they were his friends, and instead tried to become friends with people who were already doing things that he admired'. Putting the hobby before the horse, as it were. So if you can get over your nerves issues when around people you consider admirable, you might find yourself with more of a comfortable social circle. This is probably something proactive that you can start working on now. And once you've got a proper 'art' job - and you'll definitely get one, I have absolute faith in that - you'll probably find yourself coming into contact with more people who you can relate to. This is basically what Flay said, I think, but most of the time in adult relationships, you first find a social circle you like hanging out with, and then out of that loose group you might find a few really strong friendships. But the important thing is to first find a group you like hanging out with!
I don't think I'm telling you anything here that you don't already know, so all I can really say is: it will get better. I've moved between cities and countries several times, knowing no-one each time I've landed, and each time I've had to make friends anew, and it can be tough. But first I find a group I have something in common with - art, music, the ability to speak english - and then within that group I have always found people I just enjoy being around, and have made a few really close friends who I know I will always stay in touch with. The first step is the hardest.
also, people have radically different interpretations of what constitutes a 'great friend'. One of my very close friends, I haven't seen or spoken to in over a year (we live in different countries, and he doesn't 'do' email or social networking sites). But he's still one of my best friends, and always will be - it's not about how often we see each other, it's about how we feel when we do manage to get together. There are other people I speak to every day who I would probably not consider much more than acquaintances. You'll never really know the depths of other peoples relationships with each other, and if you worry too much about it it will eat away at you and erode your self-confidence.
Nothing really changed between us. Originally I thought a rift had occured between our friendship because of the timing and circumstances, but nope, still strong as ever despite all the hang-ups.
There are people I see all the time who i'd still categorize under the "acquaintance" category, and there are ones who I don't see for eons who i'd take a bullet for. A lot of them are people I never thought i'd be friends with in the first place.
Be creative. Step far outside your comfort zone and meet people. They're not going to come to you, you've got to come to them, even if it means putting yourself out there to get rejected time and time again before results start coming in.
You said you lived in a rural environment? I had that problem back home in Texas; everything requires a car and a lengthy drive to get to, and I still made something work. You've got to play the field as it lie, because there isn't much you can do to change your locale circumstances. I'm sure if you make the best with it you'll be a-ok!
My opinions on games are often very different from the norm, and one of my favorite activities is discussing games in detail. Finding other people with a similar level of interest is rather difficult, and finding one that agrees with me enough to talk with at length is even harder. On top of that, I view most things with the eye of a critic and will quickly begin to point out all the flaws and design decisions I don't agree with in a game even if my overall opinion of it is favorable, leading most people to assume that I'm a huge pessimist. I also hate large groups and socializing casually ("small talk"), so the only way I'm going to talk to anyone for very long is if I have to or if their personality or interests catch my attention right away. I'm trying to work on the previous sentence, but for now it still applies.
Somehow, despite all that, I managed to find a girl who I connected strongly enough with that I recently married her, and currently know two other guys who I can talk with for hours about games without them looking at me funny. If you're also the type with a strong main interest, you just need to find out where other people with that interest are likely to be and force yourself to pick random people to talk to (one of the guys above is a Gamestop employee who I just happened to start talking to recently after going there a few times).
I'm also guilty of judging/dismissing people very quickly, but while trying to fix that I've noticed that most people, myself included, are not going to drop the basic social mask everyone has until you give them a reason to. That mask is often what you're initially reacting to, but many people are going to hide the really interesting things behind it until you bring it out of them by revealing some things about yourself too. Obviously you can be good friends with people who have completely different interests as well, but that's something that just happens randomly and there isn't a lot you can do to try for it other than being social in general.
BTW, most people will have a ton of in-jokes that sound completely stupid to outsiders, but are funnier to those involved due to the memories attached to them. I consider myself an intellectual, but there's plenty of things I've done and said with friends that would give any observer the impression that I'm just another random idiot. Try not to judge people too harshly for random stupidity between friends unless you really don't see anything else behind it.
Also, just to clarify in case I've worried anyone, I do have other interests besides games. There just aren't that many of them and they haven't been the basis for any friendships I've had except for my minor interest in philosophy and "big questions", in which case the guy is also a gamer.
I apologize for the wall of text. I never seem to be able to write small posts, since I only post when I feel I have a substantial amount to say.
Unfortunately for me, mine are strung across the planet.
I've also never been comfortable in large groups with any amount of people. Give me a group of about 5 or 6 tops and I'm happy.
This sounds pretty narcissistic. You make it seem as though your "friends" are beneath you and their lives and interests are so provincial. For your own sake you should get over yourself. Being hung up on your unappreciated awesomeness is a recipe for loneliness.
Get their numbers at the party and call them to hang out.
I don't think she's really bragging about it. Confidence is great if you can back it up. Her work says that she can. Take a look.
She's just pointing out the gap in interests and abilities which is what she thinks is part of the problem.
I kind of agree with this, but not so much in that you have unwarranted self-importance, indeed you do seem very intelligent. It really seems like you want to meet someone exactly like yourself, well, that probably isn't going to happen. I can relate to the academic aspects of your post, but something bothers me. You say everything came so easily to you, well, did you ever try seeking out harder classes that would challenge you or did you purposely take the path of less resistance, because it sounds mightily like that to me.
Also, another thing that irked me was how easily you trivialize people's problems. Are you mad at people who haven't had a serious life crisis? I am very happy for my friends who have not experienced what I have experienced in my life and would never wish something bad on them or their families just so I could "relate" to them better. If I had your attitude I wouldn't have one of my best friends to this day who is admittedly not as a high achiever as myself, not as determined as myself, not as "damaged" (for lack of a better term) as myself, but he is a great human being, funny, and goofy and I shouldn't hold that as a grudge against him.
My advice is to stop having such ridiculous standards for people. Don't demean them, either. Honestly and sincerely try and get to know and understand someone. Obviously, there are some really shallow people out there, but not everyone is as paper thin as you think they are. Stop discounting their ideas and feelings just because they aren't as talented as you or you really will be lonely.
Think about it. You're doing the same thing to other people that you fear older/more talented people will do to you (IE think you are unworthy).
Bother me on steam: kabbypan
Which is totally weird since you define being a nice person as glad-handing them at parties and not sneering when they have the temerity (heh, yeah, I'm a reader 8-)) to complain about things without having been a war orphan or even a child soldier.
I wasn't suggesting that she was 'bragging', just that she seemed self absorbed and that can have a major negative impact on your social life. Confidence is a good thing, but patronization won't make you very popular with the unwashed.
I'm not familiar with her work, and it doesn't really matter. Judging by the above I would guess she's either an artist or a musician that hasn't advanced so far in her career that it's appropriate to look down on her common, less successful friends.
Yes, and I was just pointing out what might be another part of the problem.
Bolding the two parts I have a problem with.
1) Looking at society as the "unwashed" only compounds any problems you already have. Whether you realize it or not, it subconsciously reinforces the idea that other people are your inferiors.
2) It is never appropriate to look down on a person.
Second off, can we please stop ganging up on the OP in her own thread? Calling the OP a narcissist based off of two paragraphs you read from her on an internet forum is so far into hyperbole they should start naming trigonometric functions after you. Please, knock it off. I got offended after hearing that kind of language, and I don't even know this person!
Plenty of people have problems keeping friendships without them being narcissistic. Not to mention, the OP isn't being narcissistic, she is stating facts. It's pretty clear that she was making a concerted effort to NOT sound the way you guys are trying to make her sound.
Oh yeah and let's not forget, there is a marked difference between how people communicate on an internet forum versus in real life. Many people on these boards sound pretentious and arrogant because that's the culture that this forum propagates. That doesn't mean the same people sound pretentious and arrogant in real life social interaction.