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GFs Moody Roommates

Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
edited November 2010 in Help / Advice Forum
Has anyone had to deal with a significant others moody roommates? My girlfriend's have gone from liking me to trying to break us up.

They're all highschool friends and since they've been here, they've failed to make any long term friends because, well, all they do is hang out with their highschool friends. And my girlfriend likes them and everything, hangs out with them when she has the time (rower, lots of practice time/commitment) and is probably the sweetest, most mellow person I've ever met.

Recently they've tried to get in between us by trying to cause rifts and create confusion between us. My lady and me had a fight, I stayed over and she left early for rowing practice. We'd done this before with no issues. This time they were trying to kick me out early (I couldn't find my keys, but I understand that without her there I really didn't have business being there... though I was just sleeping in her room.) I found them finally, went home and had some friends over. They later came by unannounced and bring my HDTV i let them borrow and some of my other personal things I was letting them use. I wouldn't have had issue with this if I had heard anything about them bringing this stuff over, after all they had seen me just a few hours before.

Now my girlfriend and I were still arguing at that point. But, we had decided to simply take a break. She was a asleep when they brought all this crap back. Neither of us had any idea this was going to happen. Later that night I was texting her and told her that things would be ok, not to worry. We were conversing, no arguing and all of a sudden she stopped. I figured she fell asleep or was busy. Next day I found out the ring leader of the other three took her phone away for the night.

I understand wanting to help a friend out and have them not think about what's troubling them, but when they pulled the crap before by bringing my stuff back unannounced it felt like they were making it known I was no longer welcome over there. That's fine, I haven't been back since.

She came over a few days later, we talked everything out. She tells me that she had no idea that they were going to bring my stuff back until she woke up and it seemed fishy to her, too. We worked things out and went about things.

Now over the past few days she's stayed there and they've been abrasive. She has to go to sleep early to wake up at 5 for rowing practice. They know this, two of them used to be on the team until they quit. Despite this they're needlessly loud later in the evening.

I feel bad because it seems that since they didn't succeed in breaking us up they're just going to be shit heads to her. At the same time she's paying rent to live there and I don't want her to just stay at my place all the time because she'd be wasting money. It's a bad situation for her and I just want to do whatever I can to help her and move past this situation. However, I can't be the other people and make them stop being so childish either.

Any past experience with a similar situation? By no means is this urgent or hostile, just some girls trying to create high school-esque drama to college and it's an annoyance.

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Posts

  • John MatrixJohn Matrix Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    This is a communication issue. Your GF needs to just sit her roomates down and address what exactly their problems are with you. Once she knows their issues, you and your gf can begin to address them. During the conversation that brings up their issues, she could also use the time to address the noise levels during the week.

    Also, just talk to her on the phone, don't text for a serious issue such as this. Not talking it out seems to be a contributing factor in this problem as a whole.

    John Matrix on
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited October 2010
    People suck, but to be honest this doesn't sound to me like it's actually about you at all. It sounds like they have issues with her, and there's not a ton you can do about that except offer to do your place more often.

    One of the main things that makes me suspect that this is about her, and not about you as a person or "you" as a couple is that you mentioned the fact that she is still on the rowing team of which, for whatever reason, they are no longer a part. When you get people who are very clique-y and also kind of vindictive and immature working together, you might see this sort of thing. They might be jealous that she hasn't quit, they might be angry with the team, or the sport, or who knows. Or they might just be incredibly thoughtless. But if that sort of intent is at work here, making her tired for practice doesn't have anything to do with you or her relationship with you and there's not much you can do except offer her a safe place to be when she needs to get away.

    ceres on
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  • MachismoMachismo Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    Roommates sound like terrible, immature people. Offer shelter and support for your partner.

    Just a thought, but talk to her about that 'taking of the cellphone' stuff. That is a big red flag. The kind of stuff a controlling boyfriend or husband does. It removes her ability to seek help and support and forces her to rely on the roommates, particularly the ring leader.

    Just warn her about that. She should keep it on her person at all times, making it harder for it to be an opportunistic event.

    Machismo on
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  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited October 2010
    Yeah, this isn't so much about you as it is about these "friends" deciding to be dicks to your girlfriend. If they are trying to "break you two up" because they think you're bad news, well, they should mind their own business. This other weird stuff about returning your things and being bad roommates is all in your girlfriend's court. You can support her decisions but, uh, do you expect to ride in and fix things?

    Sounds like she needs to sit down with them, not you two sit down together. Don't conspire; communicate.

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  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    I guess the question is did you actually like break up with your girlfriend during that fight? Like mean shit was said and both people ended up leaving with no resolution and the future of the relationship up in the air? Then I could see the taking away of the phone and the bringing of your stuff back as more reasonable, since it's possible they were just trying to be supportive and help their friend find her way out of the relationship.

    If it was a just a simple fight and they were tying to intervene well, I mean I guess it's possible they don't like you and were trying to chase you off. I know I was pretty icy to my college roommate when he got back together with a girl who had cheated on him in a really awful way, and I certainly looked for ways to keep them apart.

    But, if it's really like you paint in the OP, I'd suspect this is more of a "they're jealous of not having your gf's time with them and are acting out because of it" kind of thing. Nothing you can really do, as it's up to your girlfriend to tell them to butt out and grow up, and they either will, or the friendships will disintegrate as high school relationships are wont to do when people move on to college.

    Dark_Side on
  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    We didn't break up or anything during the course of that and yea I agree that it's pretty shitty on their end.

    I don't expect to intervene and try to fix this, because it's out of my hands really.

    The thought that they're still jealous about her being on the team makes sense. I don't see it from the other girl, but the ringleader seems like that'd be her motivation for being a bitch. She doesn't really need an excuse to be a bitch but she has one now.

    It's kind of straining us right now, not being able to rotate nights with each other if we so desire but it's not a big deal I don't think. But again, frustrating that if I wanted to I can't stay the night with her without someone getting all pissy.

    Penguin_Otaku on
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  • ZeonZeon Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    I dont think its fair that 3 people have to accommodate 1 person getting up at 5am. How are they being "needlessly" loud into the evening? Are they bashing pots and pans, cranking the stereo up to 11, blasting foghorns outside her door? Or are they simply making noises that an average 20 something would make past 9pm?

    As for the rest of it (well, all of it, but we'll split it into 2 points), i think youre being overly sensitive. Your girlfriend was probably saying how she was going to break up with you, and saying she didnt want all your crap in her house. Then when you two got over it, she was saving face. Thats way more likely than her roommates gathering up a bunch of awesome stuff they could have kept and trucking it over to your place, and all her roommates magically starting to hate you, unless they suddenly realised that you actually are a terrible person and are bad for this girl and theyre trying to "protect" her. But i dont know you well enough to decide that, so im going to go with the theory theyre helping their friend, rather than theyre illogical dicks.

    As for taking your girlfriends phone away... well, is she a child? This generally doesnt happen to adults (there are exceptions but im assuming her roommates arent all psychopaths). Again, she probably got tired of arguing with you and made up a story later to save face.

    Zeon on
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  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    That's not a theory, that's assuming quite a bit there. I appreciate your input but you've taken the hypothetical to an extreme there.

    And I don't think it's unreasonable. Different people have different schedules in a place occupied by college students. They know she has rowing in the morning and the others have early classes. It was assumed that there'd be another girl waking up for rowing too, but now because she quit it's unreasonable to expect the same understanding?

    Penguin_Otaku on
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  • ZeonZeon Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    As someone who often has to wake up at 4am to go to work and has had roommates for the last 7 years, yes, i think expecting roommates to tiptoe around like mice after youve decided to go to sleep is unreasonable. If theyre making reasonable noise (watching television, having conversations, listening to music at a reasonable volume, receiving phonecalls, showering, etc) i think its unreasonable to ask them to sit silently in their room. If theyve decided, hey, its 1am, time to invite the band over for practice, then you might have a point.

    I dont know you or any of these people, so i can only base my opinion on what youve said and the way youve said it.

    Zeon on
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  • Chases Street DemonsChases Street Demons Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    I'm curious. Why do they dislike you so? Surely you have an inkling.

    Chases Street Demons on
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  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    Zeon; no one's saying that they had to be completely quiet. She understands people are going to make noise when they're doing things around at night. She has no issue with this and has never had problems with it until after this incident. She's not a complainer so for her to say anything to me says that they were probably (ringleader at least) going out of their way to be loud.

    AS to why they dislike me? I think it's just because Olivia (ringleader) feels that she has to have control over everyone in the house. The other two roommates are her high school friends that she already intimidates into doing whatever she thinks is best for everyone. Olivia throws herself at all my friends she meets or any guy for that matter and can't get anyone because she's clingy. Then after she gets rejected she goes back to hating men (me) and anyone associated with them. I think she just has little man syndrome, honestly.

    Penguin_Otaku on
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  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    There's not a lot to be done in situations where the roommates don't like you because as Ceres pointed out, it's not actually your issue. It's an issue between the girlfriend and the roommates. Since there's not a clear distinction between your girlfriend's right as a rent-paying tenant to invite people that she likes over and her roommate's right as a rent-paying tenant to feel comfortable with who is in the house, they have to figure out how to resolve that themselves. You actually have no say in this matter.

    If you'd like, you can try to get back on the roommate's good sides by being casually friendly with them in very small doses. This will be easier when you recognize that you're actually just a bit player in whatever drama is happening between your girlfriend and her roommates. Accept it, take it in stride, and move on.

    Also: try to like the roommates. To be perfectly honest, the tone of your posts makes it sound like you don't have anything positive to say about these girls in the first place, particularly Olivia. You can't expect someone to like you if you clearly don't like them, either.

    SammyF on
  • VisionOfClarityVisionOfClarity Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    To be honest, Zeon said exactly what I was thinking. This is all sounds really fishy and I can't see a single reason why she is now constantly staying at your place. Buy her her some earplugs and send home to deal with her problems like an adult by talking with her roomies.

    VisionOfClarity on
  • Chases Street DemonsChases Street Demons Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    The thing is, I can see how it might be an issue with him and them - they might have cause to dislike him and not want him around.

    or these girls could just be catty, mean and childish. :)

    Chases Street Demons on
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  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    SammyF wrote: »
    There's not a lot to be done in situations where the roommates don't like you because as Ceres pointed out, it's not actually your issue. It's an issue between the girlfriend and the roommates. Since there's not a clear distinction between your girlfriend's right as a rent-paying tenant to invite people that she likes over and her roommate's right as a rent-paying tenant to feel comfortable with who is in the house, they have to figure out how to resolve that themselves. You actually have no say in this matter.

    If you'd like, you can try to get back on the roommate's good sides by being casually friendly with them in very small doses. This will be easier when you recognize that you're actually just a bit player in whatever drama is happening between your girlfriend and her roommates. Accept it, take it in stride, and move on.

    Also: try to like the roommates. To be perfectly honest, the tone of your posts makes it sound like you don't have anything positive to say about these girls in the first place, particularly Olivia. You can't expect someone to like you if you clearly don't like them, either.

    I'm not trying to resolve anything, I'm not trying to get in the middle of this. Just from my standpoint, I want my partner to know I'm supporting her and want to be there for her when her roommates are being shitty. I've never really been in a situation like this and so I'm asking not for advice on how to "FIX THIS" but instead how to handle it appropriately.

    I really don't care for Olivia, no. But it's never gotten in my way when I would act civil towards her. I'd always been friendly, mindful and respectful. Even before this incident though she'd make comments while I was there that felt like she was just trying to start something. I'd brush them off and move on. That, however, was when she was just saying stuff to me and all.

    It really wouldn't matter to me if I ever went back over there. Not worth the time or the effort considering who it is. I would like to make this as easy for myself and the lady though. She's not really a person who's going to say anything to any of them unfortunately and I don't want her to have any more complications than the workload she has. Just trying to figure out how to help her and us take their cattiness as it comes.

    Penguin_Otaku on
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  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited October 2010
    Unfortunately beyond simply listening and providing a shoulder to lean on, I'm not sure there's anything you can do to help her deal. As other's have said, it's her issue, I would do your very best to not get dragged into the middle of it any more than you already are as a boyfriend.

    Dark_Side on
  • Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited October 2010

    It really wouldn't matter to me if I ever went back over there. Not worth the time or the effort considering who it is. I would like to make this as easy for myself and the lady though. She's not really a person who's going to say anything to any of them unfortunately and I don't want her to have any more complications than the workload she has. Just trying to figure out how to help her and us take their cattiness as it comes.

    This here is the problem. You can't change the status quo by not speaking up. Really she has three options. Talk to them or move out, or keep on doing what she is doing which isn't much.

    Blake T on
  • Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    Just an update to their douchebaggery, the ringleader (Olivia) took her brother into the apartment without consulting my girlfriend. Now he's living there until he can get his own apartment because he decided to drop out of military school.

    I'm kind of disappointed and upset that she's ok with this guy just living there and not contributing but it's her decision I guess.

    Penguin_Otaku on
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  • UsagiUsagi Nah Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    So how is this your business?

    If your girlfriend doesn't care enough to make a stink about it then it's moot

    Usagi on
  • John MatrixJohn Matrix Registered User regular
    edited November 2010
    You're right, it's a moo point.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLwYpSCrlHU

    John Matrix on
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