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I feel like Paul Rudd from I Love You Man (advice?)
Ant000
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey guys,
I'm just sort of bummin' out right now and figured I needed to post this... yep yep... any advice greaty appreciated. No rush
.
So a little preface... I'm 22 and in university at the moment, but the problem goes back a little ways. In my last few years of High School I pretty much abandoned the social circle I was involved in since Kindergarden; I had nothing in common with them anymore, thought they were awful, shallow people, and I just went cold-turkey one day... this went hand in hand with an embracing of my "e-friends" from WoW (Yeah... I got sucked in) whom, despite living on the other side of the continent, I connected with better than anyone I'd ever met before.
In hindsight I realize forgoeing face-to-face friendships for those online was quite an unhealthy decision over the long-term, and I'm currently suffering the consequences. As the title states, I basically have no buddies.... I'm a freaking lone-wolf at the moment, have been for sometime, and I feel like having no friends makes it impossible to make new ones. Everyone at school seems to already have long-established social networks that are hard to penetrate (especially because its a commuter school). That, and people use Facebook now as a way to get their feet wet with new potential friends, but I'm afraid to make one because if I add someone and they see that all I have are my girlfriend and maybe two other people in my friends list, they'll think I'm a loser or that I'm crazy or weird or somethin'.
A lot of people use first year university as a way to jump start their social lives, and I did try that, but because my dorm buddies were 99% international (commuter school), the friends I made are on the other side of the planet now
. Now I live off-campus and its proving pretty tough...
The urgency of my problem is compounded by my girlfriend. I met her at work about a year and a half ago, and when we started working in the same position, it only took four weeks before she asked me out! Call it immature but every guy that talked to me about girls we worked with (out of hundreds) put her at the top of the heap -- I was floored! Aside from a couple little encounters, I pretty much had no pior relationship experience. It's been almost a year now and it's been the best year of my life, bar none. I feel like I'm going to run into problems in the near future, however...
In the beginning the fact that I had no social circle was easy to hide as we were too busy being wrapped up in each other. I picked up some hobbies like motorcycling, hiking, and pumpin' iron around the same time we started seeing each other and my enthusiasm for them definitely kept her interested. We both ended up getting mono together and locked ourselves in an apartment for six weeks, just the two of us, and instead of being ready to kill eachother by the end of it, we really fell in love. Then during the summer we went on vacations together, and since it was just us two, there was no issue of my not having any friends...
But now that our one year anniversary is coming up, I feel like it's very slowly becoming an issue. We've never actually discussed it, but she knows by now that my social circle is pretty damn small (non-existant). I feel like it used to be that the mystery surrounding me and my friends (or lack-thereof) was intriguing to her. But now that she has basically figured out that if I'm not with her, I'm at the gym alone, or day-tripping on my motorcycle alone, or shopping alone, or studying alone, she asks me to hang out whenever she can't find someone else to. I feel like the default friend... the standby... and if I ever say I'm busy, she'll ask what I'm up to, and more often than not the fact that I'm doing it alone instead of hanging out with her comes across as insulting. But by being available whenever she asks, I'm pretty sure I'm cheapening the value of my time in her eyes, and I'm afraid she's losing respect for me.
So damnit, I feel stuck. Can anyone give me any tips? Any sagely advice? Anything on any aspect of this post is appreciated. Woe is meeeeeeeee, man.
I'm just sort of bummin' out right now and figured I needed to post this... yep yep... any advice greaty appreciated. No rush
.So a little preface... I'm 22 and in university at the moment, but the problem goes back a little ways. In my last few years of High School I pretty much abandoned the social circle I was involved in since Kindergarden; I had nothing in common with them anymore, thought they were awful, shallow people, and I just went cold-turkey one day... this went hand in hand with an embracing of my "e-friends" from WoW (Yeah... I got sucked in) whom, despite living on the other side of the continent, I connected with better than anyone I'd ever met before.
In hindsight I realize forgoeing face-to-face friendships for those online was quite an unhealthy decision over the long-term, and I'm currently suffering the consequences. As the title states, I basically have no buddies.... I'm a freaking lone-wolf at the moment, have been for sometime, and I feel like having no friends makes it impossible to make new ones. Everyone at school seems to already have long-established social networks that are hard to penetrate (especially because its a commuter school). That, and people use Facebook now as a way to get their feet wet with new potential friends, but I'm afraid to make one because if I add someone and they see that all I have are my girlfriend and maybe two other people in my friends list, they'll think I'm a loser or that I'm crazy or weird or somethin'.
A lot of people use first year university as a way to jump start their social lives, and I did try that, but because my dorm buddies were 99% international (commuter school), the friends I made are on the other side of the planet now
. Now I live off-campus and its proving pretty tough...The urgency of my problem is compounded by my girlfriend. I met her at work about a year and a half ago, and when we started working in the same position, it only took four weeks before she asked me out! Call it immature but every guy that talked to me about girls we worked with (out of hundreds) put her at the top of the heap -- I was floored! Aside from a couple little encounters, I pretty much had no pior relationship experience. It's been almost a year now and it's been the best year of my life, bar none. I feel like I'm going to run into problems in the near future, however...
In the beginning the fact that I had no social circle was easy to hide as we were too busy being wrapped up in each other. I picked up some hobbies like motorcycling, hiking, and pumpin' iron around the same time we started seeing each other and my enthusiasm for them definitely kept her interested. We both ended up getting mono together and locked ourselves in an apartment for six weeks, just the two of us, and instead of being ready to kill eachother by the end of it, we really fell in love. Then during the summer we went on vacations together, and since it was just us two, there was no issue of my not having any friends...
But now that our one year anniversary is coming up, I feel like it's very slowly becoming an issue. We've never actually discussed it, but she knows by now that my social circle is pretty damn small (non-existant). I feel like it used to be that the mystery surrounding me and my friends (or lack-thereof) was intriguing to her. But now that she has basically figured out that if I'm not with her, I'm at the gym alone, or day-tripping on my motorcycle alone, or shopping alone, or studying alone, she asks me to hang out whenever she can't find someone else to. I feel like the default friend... the standby... and if I ever say I'm busy, she'll ask what I'm up to, and more often than not the fact that I'm doing it alone instead of hanging out with her comes across as insulting. But by being available whenever she asks, I'm pretty sure I'm cheapening the value of my time in her eyes, and I'm afraid she's losing respect for me.
So damnit, I feel stuck. Can anyone give me any tips? Any sagely advice? Anything on any aspect of this post is appreciated. Woe is meeeeeeeee, man.
Ant000 on
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That being said, there are some things you can do. First, even commuter schools have clubs. Find something you're interested in, or maybe have wanted to be interested in. Go to a meeting or two. Be friendly, ask people to do stuff away from the meeting, especially if it's relevant to the common interest, or even if it's just a study group or coffee.
As for Facebook, if you're just joining it of course you're not going to have anyone on your friends list. You don't have to be BFF's with people to friend them, I have tons of people from high school and college that are on my Facebook. It's perfectly normal.
Being in a relationship with someone, especially someone you live with, basically makes you 'default friend'. You are with that person when you are not with someone else because you both live there. And it's not insulting that you can do things on your own and don't need to ask her every time; it's healthy.
Have you talked to her about this? Has she said ANY of that to you? Because the whole thing sounds more like your problem with you than hers. If it bothers you there are clubs you can join, websites you can try, and study groups you can take advantage of where you can meet people, but your relationship will last a lot longer if, instead of trying to project your insecurities onto her, you just talk to her about it.
But I dont think your cheapening your time in her eyes, by being with her. Your time is just as valuable as hers. Some people dont have a lot of friends, some do. After being together for a year she will have figured this out.
You could always try talking about it with her.
I'm going to disagree with you on this. I'm sort of in the same boat as the OP. I have college friends, majority of whom are actually living at my bf's house for the time being but they're shared friends (as in, we all met each other at the same time). I don't have any friends of my own, including female friends (all the college friends are guys) so a lot of the time, I'm relying on my boyfriend for entertainment/company. We've talked about the fact that I usually only get out of the house to see him and it puts pressure on him to get me outside and do social things. I feel guilty as hell because I desperately want my own set of friends and not constantly rely on him but it's hard to get out there
Anyway OP, talk to your gf first and see what she thinks. Constantly wondering without even asking is going to drive you insane. I doubt she respects you less because you do things alone - in fact, I think she's probably just trying to get you out and about.
And I'm going to echo everyone by saying join a club. I joined a bowling league in college and met some nice people so the more social the activity, the better
This is sort of where this falls apart. It sounds like he's not relying on her for entertainment or company at all; if anything, he feels like SHE is relying on HIM because he's too available, or bothered because he does things on his own. If she were to feel burdened because he was as dependent on her as you describe, then yeah, that sucks. But this doesn't sound like the case at all from the OP.
OP, what I am trying to say is that there are places you can go and things you can do to make friends, but if you're comfortable with your lifestyle there's no reason to be self-conscious about it just because she does have a larger social circle. It's not a contest; if you enjoy doing those activities alone, do them alone. They're great ways to clear your head when you're by yourself. If you do want to find friends to hang out with for yourself, then do that. But don't assume that she has a problem with any of this before you've talked to her just because she's happy to do things differently.
The part in red? I was going to lime that, actually. I have to say I think ceres is absolutely right, here. And it does sound like you're making up your own problems and projecting emotions onto your GF. I mean, if you have a problem with your lack of friends, okay. That's one thing. From your post it doesn't sound like she's given you any reason to think that she thinks 90% of the things that you think she's thinking.
That was fun.
The only time it became a problem in relationships for me was later, a year or so after graduation, when I was occasionally expected to throw the odd party, and realized I didn't have a whole lot of friends.
Making new friends as a grown up is so godawful complicated compared to doing it when you are a kid, but you are still in university, so you're exposed to hundreds of potential friends a day. Use that, but make sure not to make your sweetie feel like she's playing second fiddle to your quest for socialization.
I'd start with guy friends, I mean, you've got three of the badestass guy hobbies ever, hiking, motorcycles and pumping iron, what about the gym? In my old age (27) I've found the gym is actually not a bad place to strike up a conversation with people.
Just gotta randomly talk to people about stuff. Friends spring out of the ether when you're willing to talk to anyone about anything for any reason.
I'll caution you though, OP. Don't be the guy that goes up and talks to someone about their pokemans or whatever, when clearly that person doesn't care. Just don't do it. Gauge reactions, act accordingly.
but they're listening to every word I say
Also, check out Meetup.com. When I moved to a new city this proved a lifesaver. I went from knowing no one and spending weekends alone to actually having a good number of friends and an active social life. You already seem to have diverse hobbies, so capatilize on them. Join a motorcycle club, a hiking group, etc. Don't make the mistake many of us do/did and just try to get "geek" friends. Those are nice and all, but a varied group of friends are even better.
More importantly, you're going to have to put yourself out there.
Separate from that, if you want to meet new people, join clubs like other people have said. But do it for yourself - not your girlfriend/relationship.
The only strain that ever occurs is that sometimes she wants me to leave the house and do stuff with her more then id like. I feel like if she had a lady friend to get out of the house with it would completely eliminate that issue.
So I suppose, be a bit warry of that. It isnt remotely a major issue in my case, just a minor inconvenience. But
But, in your case, does she have a group of friends? I mean, chances are she has some guy friends, or perhaps ladies with boyfriends. Its hard to make friends without an in, but you DO have an in. You have her. I think its common in couples for friendships to develop between the signifigant others of two friends.
So lady A and lady B are BFF, they are dating man A and man B, man A and man B become friends.
This is what I did. I started playing baseball again, and I've met a bunch of neat people that I enjoy hanging out with. Of course, you can insert any group or club for sport.
hrm, if that's the case then, the OP is probably worrying about nothing. I would be ecstatic if my bf was available more often since I currently am only able to see him on the weekend
Either way, OP has to talk to the gf. Only way for that mess to get cleared up
I think you're projecting your own insecurities into what she might think about you. I would bet if you are confident and secure in yourself and your independence, she will think it's pretty cool. A lot of cool guys keep to themselves and don't act like they live in a beer commercial.
Try a new hobby or take an extra-curricular class of some sort, is my best advice. I met one of those two best friends I mentioned taking a random foreign language class that I was taking on a whim. One of my other best friends from college I met simply because someone asked me whether I'd like to come along to an audition for a play, which I hadn't considered doing, and I spontaneously decided to say "yes" instead of "no." It's kind of crazy to think about now, but a decision that I considered for less than one second resulted seven years later in me giving the best man's toast at this guy's wedding.
Don't think about it too hard -- just give something new a try and be open to meeting new people, and chances are you'll be surprised by who you're still friends with seven years later, too.
If you want to make friends, really all you have to do is go out and do the things you do in public with other people who like those things. I like to play and listen to music, so I've posted and responded to ads on craigslist for people to jam with and have made friends that way. I've also gone to concerts to check out bands and have made friends there. I also like to play soccer. So I've found regular pickup groups in my area and have made friends there. Hell, I like to drink, so I've made friends just hanging out at the neighborhood bar. My girlfriend likes to read. So I convinced her to join a book club, it was not so great at first, but eventually she met women that had her taste in books and were fun.
So basically, just go do what you like to do and meet people who like to do what you like to do.
When I go to a bar, unless its with people I already know, I mostly end up not talking to people and getting drunk.
"Hi, how are you random person that I don't know who happens to be at this bar? I like fish! Also, igloos. Yourself? Hey, why are you leaving?"
Saying "Go to public places and it will happen" may be true for some, but definitely not for others.
For myself, the only way I made friends beyond my high school/college ones was through work. If you ever get invited to go drinking after work, don't say no. Best I can say.
I was worried that he was weirded out, and I guess almost worried that I have very few friends around where we live. I commute to school, so my college friends never want to travel 1.5 hours to come to my place, and if I stay too long after class, I get home hella late. And all of the friends I had around here moved to Vermont, or Buffalo, or North Carolina. They're spread out, and I don't see them often, so nights around here consist of my boyfriend and I hanging out playing games, watching movies/shows, or trying to entertain ourselves around here. I never had a problem with it, but I was nervous that my boyfriend did.
Meetup has been really helpful, though. We've made friends with a couple who seems to share hobbies with us, and it's been a lot of fun hanging out with them. Maybe try meetup.com, if you're concerned with your lack of friends.
Otherwise, I believe you're making an issue out of a non-issue. Talk to your girlfriend to ease your worries a bit.
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