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Relationship stuff
_X_
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
This is a post asking for advice and to vent a little bit of frustration.
I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 7 months now and love her more than anything. We live together and have for a month now, I'm 21 and she's 19. Everything was great at the beginning and still is except for one area which is in the bedroom. Up until mid-October everything was fine. She gained a bit of weight though and began to have confidence issues I suppose and since then I've pleasured her maybe twice, three times tops and every now and then she will do something for me. I however like to do everything I can for her and make her feel good and would put pleasuring her above me recieving something but not being able to return it. I have become quite frustrated with trying to make her feel better and perhaps get back to the way we used to be at the beginning but my patience is wearing thin. I'm always telling her that she is beautiful, amazing and sexy because that is how I see her but she doesn't really take the comments to heart.
What I am asking PA is for things I can do to try and open her back up to things and make her feel better about herself?
I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 7 months now and love her more than anything. We live together and have for a month now, I'm 21 and she's 19. Everything was great at the beginning and still is except for one area which is in the bedroom. Up until mid-October everything was fine. She gained a bit of weight though and began to have confidence issues I suppose and since then I've pleasured her maybe twice, three times tops and every now and then she will do something for me. I however like to do everything I can for her and make her feel good and would put pleasuring her above me recieving something but not being able to return it. I have become quite frustrated with trying to make her feel better and perhaps get back to the way we used to be at the beginning but my patience is wearing thin. I'm always telling her that she is beautiful, amazing and sexy because that is how I see her but she doesn't really take the comments to heart.
What I am asking PA is for things I can do to try and open her back up to things and make her feel better about herself?
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In the least threatening way possible?
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And listen to Lanthis of course, talking=:^::^::^::^::^::^:.
i also say just sit her down and talk to her, and also maybe sugest going to the gym with her. i don't know how in shape you are obviously, but a lot of times people need to go with a partner to get over that initial fear.
also, try not to get too frustrated with her. body image can be a big deal with some girls, so just try and be patient with working this out. if you really like her, just keep trying.
Yah, I wouldn't dare to tell someone I have a relationship with how to be (more) beautiful. If she's gaining weight, maybe that is because she doesn't get enough exercise and you should drag her to go sporting or something. @_@;
Then again, sometimes people just gain weight as they grow older and they should accept that and turn beautiful with a few extra pounds on. :? Forget about how lovely you looked during prom night and focus on the future etc etc.
I dunno how to tell that to someone I cared about, though, I'm skin over bone. >_<
In retrospect, this post is a whole lot of assumptions. Maybe talk to her friends (if theyre of the non-gossiping-backtalking-asshats kind) and see if they can help her out.
well, there's a difference between being skinny and being healthy. if his girlfriend needs to lose a few pounds in the interests of her health, that's one thing. but if a "bit of weight" means going from like 128 to 135, then that's a whole other can of worms.
I think it was because she was changing from a hot teen into a woman, and she looked and felt different, less young, less attractive. She was still beautiful but had a hard time moving forward with that change in her life. She certainly didn't take compliments from me very well. I think women get kind of immune to compliments from thier significant others after a while because the nice things we say are expected as part of our role. So they are given less seriousness.
I'm not very good at woman, so I always just try to ride it out, trying to figure out everything inside of her is too much. It is easier to just be nice and supportive. One thing I found really helpful was to take her out shopping, I have a good eye for lines and aesthetics, and I bought her several outfits that were a bit different than her old clothes but looked really good on her. I made sure there were enough new things to make a sizable addition to her closet space, so it would be easy to mix and match old with new and feel like there was a whole new range of sexy, attractive clothes for her to wear. She really appreciated the time and effort we spent together making sure she felt good about herself, and I think that weighed more in her heart than just compliments.
Raven said, "Good start".
Quillblade's idea is awesome, take her shopping, compliment her, buy her flattering clothes that suit her new body.
Start going to the gym and eating better yourself, then slowly try to ease her into it: "Hey, I'm heading out for a run, do you want to come with me?" Maybe plan healthy dates, like going on a long walk and then having a picnic.
If you don't think thats going to work (of course not every girl will agree to this) the talking thing is sometimes tough. I mean if you're posting here I assume you've already talked to her about it. Start going for walks and stuff with her, start eating healthier with her, go to the gym with her. Nothing is more of a confidence booster then looking on the scale and being surprised by how much weight you've lost.
Also, I would suggest if she reads a lot of the fashion/women mags to replace them with something a bit more realistic. Those things are the bane of society these days.
We had a bit of a talk last night and the most I got out of her was that she doesn't like the way she looks(even though I'm fine with it) and she said she wants to try to lose some weight. I suggested eating better but she's a picky eater and doesn't eat a whole lot of different food, which is tough for me as the cook since I like to have different things, she's not open to trying them at all. I suggested going for walks, too cold she says, going to the gym I also suggested and I thought that could maybe work because of her reaction but she ended up just getting really upset and that's about as far as I got.
I'm basically out of options right now, I've suggested everything that I could think of and that was suggested to me from you all but it's just getting nowhere. I'm going to start working out myself and going to the gym and hopefully she will just join in, that's my hope now I guess.
Honestly, what I'm picking up here is she's either looking for sympathy from you for some reason or theres another issue thats not any of those things. Or she could just be really depressed and not motivated to do anything. If thats the case I know how she feels, I went to my parents house the other day to run on their treadmill to shape up a bit and I ended up just laying on the bed about 5 feet from it totally unable to find motivation to do anything. When I figure out how to help myself I'll report back to you ;p
i think you're on the right track about going to the gym and hoping that she joins you.
Okay, here's what happened. When you suggested she go to the gym, that was, to her, the equivalent of saying, "You're right, you ARE fat . . . you fattie."
I know you were just trying to help. And I know it seems like a contrary reaction when she herself said she wasn't happy with her weight. But unfortunately weight and body image are very sensitive issues for a lot of women.
I don't have any particularly helpful advice in this situation, other than to keep being supportive. Also, getting dual gym memberships is a good idea. When you ask her if she wants to go to the gym, always make it sound like a fun couples thing, not "let's go to fix your PROBLEM*." She wants to lose weight, but being reminded of it all the time will just make her upset and defensive again.
* Not that I think you would phrase it like that, but she might interpret it like that.
She's been coming up with some ideas of different foods she wants to try out so it's starting to head in the right direction.
Awwww. Thats sweet. Sure, I'll help out with that.
Hunh. Y'know, he says she's beautiful, amazing and sexy, but he can't say it without adding in a qualifier, the ol' "that is how I see her". So not that hot then. Got it.
Damn! Poor dude. I love getting laid. Everyone I know should get laid as well and as often as possible. What seems to be going wrong there, bud?
Sorry, come again?
So he would, but he doesn't, because he'd just be giving it away without being able to give it away? What? What does that even mean? Let's just make some random substitutions, sometimes that helps.
Wow. Thats awesome. Generous lovers are a rare breed. So the problem would be then he's just not getting enough opportunities to do what he loves?
Okay, but you just said that's the way you liked it. So whats the deal? Why are you so concerned?
Oh right, helping the girlfriend, the original reason I signed up for this. So what seems to be the problem?
Hunh. Well, to be honest, that sounds more like your problem, rather than her problem. But no worries, it's all good there guy, I'm here for ya.
Coupla things off the bat. First, you can't make people feel stuff. You can bring them to situations in which they feel what they are going to feel naturally, but as far as interjecting your own forcible will onto someone else and twisting thier emotional thermostat in the way you want it to go, not so much. It's impossible, so getting frustrated trying to do that would be what you feel naturally after bringing yourself to that situation. See what I did there? It's not just to be unbearably clever, but also point out that it is you who is frustrating yourself, so when you lose patience, lose patience with yourself. Your girlfriend would be the 'innocent bystander' to your emotional drive-by here.
Second, and hold on to yer beanie, time moves forward. You can't go back, leastways without a flux capacitor. So any energy you spend trying to do so would be like beating your head against the brick wall of time. You will never get back what you had, so give it up, cuz the only thing in your future is Something Different than it was before. Always.
But back to this girlfriend thing; let's discuss a few options around bringing her to a good place in her life where she can feel good about herself, thus allowing you to want and get more action. What have you tried so far?
Ah, y'know, there's that qualifier again. You know those indicate a lack of complete honesty, right? And if you're not being completely honest about saying those things, its a very short hop to figuring out what you really mean. Tell you what, aside from using those words, how would you describe your girlfriend, physically?
So a bit of a dog then, eh? Sort of goes against that whole 'wowyouresoamazinglysexyandbeautiful' thing we're going for, though. I should tell ya, people are incredibly difficult to fool over the long term. In the short term, a few weeks maybe a couple months, no problem. But in close quarters? You'll be pushing hard to stretch out an untruth to three months. You said y'all had been dating for about 7 months, maybe all the bullshit is just wearing thin. Does she know you feel this way?
Well, y'know, kudos to you for convincing her that she's the one with the problem. Play your cards right and she just might try to change for you. Nothing beats that free lunch, now does it? Of course, how far she's willing to go on that depends on how badly she wants to stay with someone who doesn't find her all that attractive. Change requires energy, and there needs to be a reasonable chance that that energy will be given back to her. Generally how this thing works is you suggest a change, and she'll decide whether or not your relationship and yourself is worth that personal investment. If you are, she'll do it, if not, you'll get an excuse. What sort of things have you discussed so far?
I suppose trying three things counts as an attempt. That last one is truly amusing. Do you have an idea how much energy going to the gym takes? About five fucktons more than the sex you're not getting. Would you work that hard every day for someone? Would you really? Give them an hour and a half of unadulterated sweat, work, and attention every day?
I guarentee you if you put that much energy and work directly into the 'Things I Can Do for My Girlfriend' catagory of your life your bedroom problem would be solved and then some. In fact, you could pour that much energy directly into "Things I can do for my Girlfriend in Bed" and it would also solve the problem and then some.
But you never really would would you? The idea, the very concept that you would is so unbelievably unbeleivable that it made your girlfriend cry. Cry because if that's how much energy it takes to keep you interested, she is completely fucked. Is she? Is she completely fucked, and are you or are you not building your skills and physical appearance in order to be better so you can find something better? If the energy to change dips below the energy required to maintain the status quo, then change will occur. The good news is that these levels are negotiable. Often there is a suitable compromise that, while not ideal, can relieve the pressure enough to allow continued maintenance rather than all out abandonment of the status quo. Has there been a counter offer?
Well that does seem to be a very reasonable and accurate representation of the personal investment being made on both sides. I like her, she seems nice. And has your number, which is good to see as you apparently go insane every once in a while and start believing your own bullshit.
"Helping" involves giving your time and effort up to someone else, investing in them, doing as they desire. In reality, you are asking your girlfriend to do stuff for you. To help you. For you.
You wanna help your girlfriend? Help her. Ask her what she wants from you. Anticipate her desires. Fufill her needs. She will open up to you if she knows that it will help you actually help her. So far you are just requesting her time and effort, so of course she's limiting the supply. Wouldn't you?
Learn to give freely without immediate reward. Invest in your relationship, and that relationship will grow. Take from it and create unrealistic expectations and it will wither.
Good luck.
Yes Sarcasto's post was confrontational, but i think there's a lot of good relationship advice in there you should take to heart _X_. If it doesn't apply, it doesn't apply, but if it doesn't apply, you don't need to get upset.
I think its important to recognize that you want a happy confident girlfriend who also loves having sex. What hetero man doesn't want that? I'm sure your girlfriend wants a happy confident boyfriend who is patient and supportive.
If there's a problem in a relationship it is by definition a problem for both people. Any denial of such is a relationship problem.