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Friends are telling me it's bad...is it?
Gandalf_the_Crazed
VigiloConfidoRegistered User regular
VigiloConfidoRegistered User regular
There is a lot of history in this situation, but if I told you the whole story, it would take me a month to type this post. So I'll just describe where things stand now and if some additional information becomes necessary, I can present it at that time.
I have a friend, we'll call her Penny.
1. When we lived in apartments about 30 ft from each other, we would often spend late nights chatting over coffee or sometimes just studying at a table together so we'd have someone else in the room breathing. This was initiated by her just as often as it was by me.
2. Not once in the 4 years we've been friends has Penny remembered my birthday; I'm not even talking about a present or anything, just that she never even acknowledges the day itself. I have always remembered hers and given her something...a book, or a CD, something small. When she was abroad, I had a cheesecake delivered to her dorm room so she would have some Western sweets. She seemed to appreciate these things.
3. Penny takes offense when I send multiple small e-mails instead of one big one because as you know, thoughts don't always come together all at once. She uses GMail, so all the e-mails enter her inbox as one item anyway -- it's not like the multiple e-mails are filling up her space. (This happened once. I avoided letting it happen afterward.)
4. Penny often ignores things I say, not answering texts or e-mails as simple as, "Hey we're playing a boardgame Friday, want in?" She expresses annoyance at even these single messages.
Now, the question:
My friends are telling me this is a terrible friendship, that Penny is "a taker", and that I should stop putting effort into that friendship. Are they right?
I have a friend, we'll call her Penny.
1. When we lived in apartments about 30 ft from each other, we would often spend late nights chatting over coffee or sometimes just studying at a table together so we'd have someone else in the room breathing. This was initiated by her just as often as it was by me.
2. Not once in the 4 years we've been friends has Penny remembered my birthday; I'm not even talking about a present or anything, just that she never even acknowledges the day itself. I have always remembered hers and given her something...a book, or a CD, something small. When she was abroad, I had a cheesecake delivered to her dorm room so she would have some Western sweets. She seemed to appreciate these things.
3. Penny takes offense when I send multiple small e-mails instead of one big one because as you know, thoughts don't always come together all at once. She uses GMail, so all the e-mails enter her inbox as one item anyway -- it's not like the multiple e-mails are filling up her space. (This happened once. I avoided letting it happen afterward.)
4. Penny often ignores things I say, not answering texts or e-mails as simple as, "Hey we're playing a boardgame Friday, want in?" She expresses annoyance at even these single messages.
Now, the question:
My friends are telling me this is a terrible friendship, that Penny is "a taker", and that I should stop putting effort into that friendship. Are they right?
Gandalf_the_Crazed on
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If it's not bothering you, than why do you care what your friends think?
Do you have reason to believe anyone thinks you are attracted to her?
If it were me, I would probably continue to be what sounds like acquaintances more than friends, only I'd actually treat her as I would an acquaintance. Her birthday would get a 'happy birthday' and nothing more, and I probably wouldn't bother going out of my way to email her or anything.
Also, the inbox thing is weird, I'll grant you that. But that just brings up the question of why you two don't text instead of small emails?
Yes. Was and am (it is weirdly persistent), but we accepted that fact a long time ago and decided to be friends anyway, and I've continued to look around for other people I'm attracted to. Nothing's worked out yet, but you know, I'm on the lookout -- as opposed to just mooning around waiting on her.
1. Deep down do you hope that she will come around and be with you?
2. Does any attraction you have to her, cause you to do this stuff for her?
3. What do you mean by you recognized it and agreed to remain friends?
Here is my read of the situation, based on the very little information provided. Since you have stated you are still into this girl and she knows you are into her at least on some level it is very likely that you are doing and taking these actions in an attempt to get her to come around. She can recognize this and it probably makes her uncomfortable , but she doesn't know how to address it.
Advice:
1. Politely cut off contact with her for a while. You have to get her out of your system
2. Do something to keep your mind occupied.
3. REALLY look for other women, instead of being "friends" with this girl. It is holding you back. I am not saying you can't be friends one day but right now it could be hurting you.
Example
I was in the same boat, cut off contact radio silence, met ex gf, 3 years later me and the girl are actual friends with no remote feelings. We laugh about it.
I think that question answers itself.
Agreed. lsukalel nailed it with their bulleted list. To me it sounded like you're attracted to her, and she's trying to ignore it/hoping you back off.
Multiple emails is something you do with people you like, ditto with buying gifts unless it's common with all friends.
I don't see anything being a huge glaring problem. Have you tried talking to her about it and see why rather than take what a friend says at face value? I often get annoyed at getting 4-5 emails about small things, I'd rather get talked to face-to-face about stuff like that, or, if it is a habit of someone, write it down and send them all at the end of the day or something. As for single one line texts, maybe she doesn't like texts, maybe she prefers phone calls?
Just seems more like a "you differ from my friends and I and they think you're terrible." sort of situations rather than anything being really wrong about it. If we account for the birthday thing as a "I feel bad, but I'm broke sorry, and I think you'd be offended by just a card" then there is pretty much nothing wrong other than a personality difference there.
That's my not so humble opinion, anyways.
lsukalel advice is some grade A stuff, I would take it to heart.
It doesn't sound like she's a "bad person" but she definitely doesn't seem as invested in the friendship as you seem to be.
This. She isn't your bff or your girlfriend or even a close friend. She's a neighbor you have coffee with and that's it.
2: Have you ever told her this upsets you? Yea it sucks to have a friend not acknowledge your birthday but you sound more like neighbors/acquaintances than good buddies and it sounds like you're going overboard on her birthdays. After the first year she didn't get you something why are you still buying her gifts? Just tell her Happy Birthday from now on and move on.
3: It happened once, get over it. Seriously. People have pet peeves, you now know this is one of hers and you haven't done it again. Why is this an issue?
4: And get over her not getting back to you. She doesn't like getting random 'Let's hang out' texts and you know it but you send them anyway and get annoyed when she doesn't respond? If you really want to hang out with her call her, but stop doing something you know bothers her.
This is the type of situation where if you actually want to / could be friends, it probably wont really happen until after you've moved on. You need to stop focusing on her. The fact that you're even worked up enough about the situation to ask for advice tells me shes on your mind too much. You probably need to drastically reduce if not completely eliminate your contact with her for a few months or so.
Really, until you dont care about how shes reacting to your efforts, she probably wont react the way youd like. Your attraction to her is skewing this thing both ways. She doesnt want to be the object of your desire and as long as she is, shes not going to really open up to letting you in as a friend much.
Pretty much this.
Also a non-response to an invitation to a group event is generally a no.
How many messages do you send her? I can see reason to be annoyed at a lot of little messages when one larger one would do.
Short. To the point.
Also, this:
...is wonderfully cynical.
Regardless, I think I see the general consensus and know what I think now. Thanks guys.
Sorry! It's just easy because lots of people use it. Although I will admit, I hate the term myself and here I am using it.