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how to anonymously find help with someone qualified
anonymooose
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
i think i am a psychopath and pathological liar. i will not delve into the specifics of my manipulation, but suffice to say the frequency would make a normal person sick. as for the lying, i have always done it, whether to get out of my responsibilities, or to make myself look better in front of others. i also have trouble with emotion. i am described by people as extremely stoic; for this very reason, my aunt called me and only me when she suspected she had breast cancer because she thought i wouldn't care and therefore not tell anyone.
i feel that i don't let anyone see the real me, and for that reason i create a fake version. i'm always wearing that mask of lies whenever i leave my house or interact with someone.
there is of course a chance that my self diagnosis is wrong, and this is another reason why i would like to talk to someone. i'm hoping i'm wrong and that outside perspective will help clarify things.
anyway, my question is, are there any anonymous ways i can seek help? i am disgusted with who i am, and i can't speak about this face to face with anyone, ever. this is, in fact, the first time i have shared any of this with another soul, and even here i can't stand to fully reveal how fucked up i am.
i feel that i don't let anyone see the real me, and for that reason i create a fake version. i'm always wearing that mask of lies whenever i leave my house or interact with someone.
there is of course a chance that my self diagnosis is wrong, and this is another reason why i would like to talk to someone. i'm hoping i'm wrong and that outside perspective will help clarify things.
anyway, my question is, are there any anonymous ways i can seek help? i am disgusted with who i am, and i can't speak about this face to face with anyone, ever. this is, in fact, the first time i have shared any of this with another soul, and even here i can't stand to fully reveal how fucked up i am.
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So Kudos.
There is going to be no way easy way out of this. You are going to have to talk to someone about this, in person, for this to get any better.
The fact is you're probably going to have to pay someone, which unless you're independently wealthy you'll want to do through insurance, and once they have your insurance info they'll know who you are.
True for the most part. Harm to self or others is the most common one. If someone discloses that they are abusing a child/vulnerable adult, or a judge subpoenas the therapist (or their notes), the therapist has to break confidentiality.
In other cases, a therapist may be receiving supervision because they may be working towards state licensure, and may need to consult with their supervisor regarding treatment. All of this is typically disclosed at intake/first appointment.
So, talk to your doctor and get a good recommendation to a psychiatrist. Then discuss with him if you need a therapist.
That said I am not a doctor but I don't recommend anonymous shit. If you want to solve your problems you need to put yourself out there and take a risk. Anything worth doing it worth hurting yourself over. It's not like they will judge you for it, they understand it's how your brain works, it's how your perspective sees things from. They don't see it as right or wrong, or good or bad, it's just from one angle or another to a psychiatrist. Just more or less healthy. He would just want to help you become more healthy, if that makes sense. All this self-loathing begins and ends with you.
Some therapists will do it, not all, so you'll want to call and ask over the phone.
Seeking help is difficult for me, mainly because of my shame, but also because of my finances (I am a student in college) and a distrust I have with therapists. Elaborating on the second point, when I was 14 and in high school my mother found some porn that I had saved on the computer. It was of the hardcore variety, which worried her greatly, and she sent me to a therapist for a few sessions. I did not open up to him outside of the discussion of the porn, but I did discuss as to why I looked at it (which was curiosity), something that I had not previously discussed with anyone else. Now, before that first session, he specifically iterated that everything would be 100% confidential, and he said the same thing a few times during and then again after. During the second and last session, while we were talking he revealed to me that he had spoken to a specialist on porn down the hall about my case and was wondering if he could have her talk to me. I also discovered that he talked to my mother about what I had said. What happened to complete confidentiality?
That experience sort of shattered my trust in therapists, and thus makes me a little hesitant to speak to one face to face again.
Also, never self-diagnose. It's not worth it. Really. If you feel like something is wrong, you're almost certainly better off talking to someone.
Go to your schools counseling center and talk to someone. If you don't like the first person keep trying until you find someone you feel comfortable with. The only time you will have to worry about them talking to other people is when it comes to stuff like academic eligibility and the like, which doesn't sound like it would be a concern here.
Your other option is to sit on your ass and do nothing, which would allow you to avoid the discomfort of talking to someone but not do anything to fix whatever it is is bothering you. Plus, if you do decide to get help sometime in the future you'd have to shell out for it, as opposed to using the free student counseling center while you're still a student.
Go talk to a professional. No one here will be able to give you any better advice or help than that.
All I really have to add to this at the moment is hopefully some clarification on confidentiality, and to say that whilst it IS possible that the therapist maybe spoke more than he should have and broke privilege, its just as likely the opposite, and don't let your faith in psychologists and therapists get crushed completely, because you may be basing this on a misunderstanding, or a mistake from a single silly psychologist (there are hacks in every field of everything).
Good luck in finding help.
Please shoot me a PM if you add me so I know to add you back.
And like everyone else said, if you were truly psychopathic you wouldn't care that you are. I understand how others can misread you and think you don't care; people think I don't care or I'm angry simply because I have a neutral face when I'm working or just out. I understand putting on a mask when you go out, if I didn't I wouldn't have a job.
I also understand lying to an extent. I didn't tell my first therapist for a long time about something my past even when confronted with it. I lied about it a lot for a lot of reasons, but they're there to help you and if you ever want to get past it, you'll have to tell the truth.
School therapists are shit, man. A lot of them work in schools because schools have extremely good unions under which it is almost impossible to be fired, so they get to abuse tons of children over decades where any private or sane government practice would fire their stupid ass. In highschool my best friend was prescribed Prozac. In the fucking 2000s. If he pulled that shit in private practice and confronted for it, there would be a good chance he would be asked to resign.
If it makes you feel better, sociopath-ic stuff is mostly just, like...Anti-social, and you sound more anti-social than psycho. The psycho side would be a total lack of empathy, need for control, lack of guilt, etc.
You seem like a good guy, I really...I just hope you can see passed this history. A good therapist can do wonders.
When I talk about lying, in everyday scenarios, it's more spontaneous than carefully planned. For example, if a co-worker is talking about his girlfriend and asks if I have one, I'll lie and say I do. Back in high school, if someone asked me what colleges I got into, I would lie and tell them really nice ones, and then make up reasons as to why I didn't get in (financial aid bullshit, etc). So I don't sit at home and say "Ok, so if someone asks me what colleges I was accepted to today, this is what I say". It's more I'm too scared to let anyone see the real me, the one that wasn't accepted to Berkeley or is too "lame" to have a girlfriend.
As for the manipulation, I find the majority of it happens when I'm bored, and it's just for my entertainment. I regret it after the fact, but it doesn't seem to stop me from doing it. No matter how many resolutions I make, sure enough, the next time I have the night to myself, I concoct some weird scheme.
This manifested first in the beginning of high school. There was this guy that was a douche to me and my friends, and long story short, I wrote a love letter to the school's most popular girl and framed him. I even made up a riddle that she would have to decipher to get to his identity, which took her and her friends a good week or so to crack. The point is, I got an enormous high from that. I don't know whether it was the control, or the badness of it, or what. I just remember it being incredibly exciting knowing that here she was, conducting interviews around English class, wondering who could have possibly written this mysterious letter, while the guy who did it was sitting not five feet away. Over the years this has evolved into more complicated schemes, but I won't bore you with them here.
And please, don't think I'm writing this with pride or boasting. I am honestly ashamed by all of this. It's just that, in the moment, I don't feel any regret or remorse...all that matters is the fact that I'm in control. It doesn't register that these are people's lives I'm fucking with, not an etch-a-sketch.
Concerning my school's counseling sessions, yes, they are free, but a friend of mine went there concerning mental health problems and was literally laughed at during the sessions. This, along with a few other issues, has left me with a rather jaded view of my school's counseling services.
Are there any self-coping mechanisms that may help me? Writing this out for the first time does make me feel better, so would maybe starting a journal be beneficial?
EDIT: Just a quick note, I don't manipulate to harm anyone else. Even with that first case with the framing, it was all taken very light-heartedly at school (as I knew it would be), so it's not like I did it to make the kid kill himself out of shame or anything. That same thing applies today. I don't ruin relationships or what have you, I just do these things because I enjoy the control, I guess.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6i33V2EcVlY
Tapping.
There are a lot of stupid ideas around tapping, but extremely reputable doctors are starting to look at it and the possible sciences around it. What we know is that it a) Does actually work and b) can help you tackle phobias and bad habbits. This is something you can do alone, once, twice, or three times a day in your spare time, and if you did, it could not only help you cope with lying, but speaking with your doctor about seeking help from a therapist. Take the meat, spit out the bone, and all that.
I would approach it similarly to hypnotism, a lot of people in the scientific community thought that was dumb, and stupid, and, not-so-ironically, those people were actually very dumb and very stupid because they ignored scientific method (observing methods and results). So, try it out for a week, see how it works for you, and definitely consider everyone's advice alongside it.
I don't know if you're talking about high school therapists or what, but this is a pretty poisonous over-generalization to make and you really, really should not do it again.
Bad advice! Pseudoscience is not generally well regarded around these parts, except for some Atkins enthusiasts. "Exteremely reputable doctors" etc. is a ridiculously vague statement. Tapping is generally regarded as only being beneficial because of the normal therapy components of it, combined with a placebo effect. In order for it to work, you'd still need a therapist, since the counseling portion of it is the only thing with any real benefit.
But there isnt any magic cure for your problems. If you really want help, grow up and go get it. Otherwise, live with it.
*edit* oh and if youre worried about what a therapist is going to think about you, stop. You are far from the most fucked-up person he will have ever met. He will have most likely talked to people who like to eat their own shit, or who fantasize about raping kids and stuff like that. Chronic lying and mild psychopathy is pretty menial when it comes to mental disorders a therapist will have dealt with.
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I kind of agree, but psychology is a very complicated science and, well, hypnotherapy isn't exactly well understood, either, but we know it does work, so we use it. So, while I understand your concern, it's not really worth throwing the baby out with the bathwater, and if the method works, you might as well just ignore the pseudo-science written around it (and not buy the stupid books and money grabs built around it) and try out the method, see if that works for you. It can only help.
Well, I live in Canada, and I don't mean to argue but this is a real problem here. I'm not sure where you guys are but it's very frustrating as someone who's interested in psychiatry to see people who aren't capable of running practices use schools as crutches. Weirdly, it's not really an over-generalization, especially in Canada, where school unions are so strong that even if you're incompetent you can't be fired by much short of sexual or physical abuse, and good therapists would rather work where they can better help kids, in private practice or in hospitals, though some find their way to schools. I understand if you want to keep that infraction, but I really want the OP to understand that highschool therapists are an exception, and not the rule, and that they can trust those people, especially one recommended by their family doctor.
Holy generalizations, Batman!
First, prove that school counselors abuse students? Yeah, that's what I thought. Usually, people go into school counseling because they want to help kids. Not to mention the training, background checks, finger printing, etc etc. Are there bad school counselors? Sure, just like there are bad -insert profession here-.
Also, school counselors don't prescribe medications . Only an MD can prescribe meds.
And that tapping nonsense? God I'm not even going to touch that with a 10-foot pole (yes, I actually looked into it, yes I think it's a bunch of bullshit).
This is not up for further debate in this thread, and I don't want to see it again.
Drop it.
You sound like you could use help, but probably are not a psychopath. You would not be ashamed if you were. Psychopaths can be non-violent and well adjusted but just don't *care* about others feelings. Ever.
As in your pain versus my pain? Apples to Celery. You sound like you care about the fact you hurt other people - but just not in the moment when you can get a high from deceiving them.
Not that I know that much about these types of issues.
If so, they are highly likely to have a psychology clinic, in which the patients get to help psychology graduate students refine their counseling skills.
This is different (usually) than the student counseling center. The one that I went to was open to all members of the community and charged for counseling based on a sliding scale that depended on income. I was unemployed at the time and paid not more than $5 for an hour's session.
If the student counseling center on your campus isn't up to par (and it sounds as though it isn't), the psychology clinic would be a good place to look for help. The counselors there are training to be psychologists and are mentored by actual psychologists, so the likelihood of sub-standard care is low. Doctor-patient confidentiality laws do apply to psychology clinics, though your sessions may be recorded (if you give consent) so that the grad student's faculty mentor can review the sessions with the grad student and give them advice on what they could have done better.
They will help you ferret out the insecurities that prompt you to lie to impress people. What you do with those insecurities is, of course, up to you. (And it helps if you are honest with your counselor)
I highly recommend looking into your university's psychology department clinic.