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Share your best puns!
billwill
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
My friends and I are having a late Halloween party, since we all went on a group vacation and were quite busy on the actual day.
For it, I'm going to be the stereotypical geek that is socially awkward yet thinks he is the shit. We're all planning on staying in character as long as possible, so I would love an arsenal of terrible, hysterical, cringe-worthy puns to share throughout the night.
Perfect example? "Maybe if your stories took place in outer space they would be a little meteor."
So yeah, I would appreciate wide-open ones that can be used in many scenarios, but specific ones like what I shared above would also be useful.
Thanks!
For it, I'm going to be the stereotypical geek that is socially awkward yet thinks he is the shit. We're all planning on staying in character as long as possible, so I would love an arsenal of terrible, hysterical, cringe-worthy puns to share throughout the night.
Perfect example? "Maybe if your stories took place in outer space they would be a little meteor."
So yeah, I would appreciate wide-open ones that can be used in many scenarios, but specific ones like what I shared above would also be useful.
Thanks!
I hate you and you hate me.
billwill on
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Posts
there were no limits on the number of submissions, so i entered my ten favorite ones
i hoped at least ONE of them would win, but no pun in ten did
Webcomic Twitter Steam Wishlist SATAN
"Water" you waiting for?
I have something to "chair" with you!
I "see" what you mean!
No "guts", no glory!
In short, he likes June, but he couldn't see Bohemia like June.
I gave a scarecrow a medal the other day. He was out standing in his field.
Did you know Lenin only drank herbal teas? Apparently, proper tea is theft.
When you get sugar at a café, you'll see loads of white sugar and Splenda, but only see a few brown sugar packets. Demerara.
I bought some cheese the other day that I used to hide a horse. Marscapone.
A man pushed his wife off a cliff because she'd bought him rum. He wanted Tequila.
My university major was pastrami on rye. It was a sandwich course.
I went to a zoo over the weekend, but its only animal was a small dog. It was a shih tzu.
These puns have groan tiresome.
(Talking about WoW) Oh man, that boss fight was really dragon on, it took nearly an hour!!
(On discussing bears) Goodness, that sounds unbearable. It could have been quite grizzly!!
So Pepe and Pedro are in the desert. They've been walking for days but they're not making any progress. It's hot and sunny and they're out of food and water. In the distance, they see a tree. A tree means water, fruit, shelter... a tree means life. They let up a whoop and start running.
As they get closer, they see that this isn't any sort of tree - this is a BACON tree! Bacon hangs off its lush branches - Canadian bacon, smoked bacon, cured bacon, it's all there.
Now Pepe, motherfucker loves bacon, so he breaks into a sprint. As he gets closer, machine gun fire rings out! Pedro screams PEPE, PEPE MY FRIEND!! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!!
Pepe gasps "Run Pedro... it's not a bacon tree...
I'm not a Dungeon Master, I'm a Pungeon Master.
*Setup* We are driving down the road and see a tire on the side of the street.
Dad: "Well, look at that. It must've been tired"
Me: *Groan*
Dad: "What? It probably just didn't have a Goodyear."
Me: *commits suicide*
I love my dad. He's awesome.
That was so corny, it was nutritional.
He sounds pretty unbalanced.
The trick to being good is getting a dictionary and thesaurus and reading them on the John. And then, improv with your new found vocabulary. Any conversation, work a pun into it.
Tire pun ->
Will you ever tire? It's as if you're jacked up on something.
Don't want this tread to be locked. We don't want to plant any seeds of depunsion with ceres by dwarfing the OT.
why did the buddhist, after hours of meditation, decide to devote his life to his pet manatee?
maybe i'm streaming terrible dj right now if i am its here
i don't know, i'm no ecologist. replace manatee with some form of porpi-related species.
let's go with mereswine
maybe i'm streaming terrible dj right now if i am its here
Patrick decides to bounce this decision upstairs, and takes the china dog to his manager, he explains the situation, and asks, "Can we take this as collateral? It's only a small ornament." The bank manager replies,
"I'm sorry sir," said the flight attendant. "We only allow one carrion."
Also, there was a joke/pun thread awhile ago, and somebody posted the most epic pun I've ever seen in my entire life. It filled like six whole posts. I'll try to find it when I have time. It was about a snake in a desert.
xbl - HowYouGetAnts
steam - WeAreAllGeth
Google
Well that just takes the fun out of it.
xbl - HowYouGetAnts
steam - WeAreAllGeth
I really want to punch you.
If the president had any real power, he'd be able to live wherever the fuck he wanted.
Don't ban me.
So he decides to talk to the friar to explain the situation. The friar is apologetic, but says "I'm sorry for the difficulties I've caused you, but I'm doing this because I received a vision from God telling me this is my purpose in life." John doesn't know what to say to that, so he ends up leaving and hoping for the best.
Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worse. More and more people start succumbing to the temptation to get free flowers instead of buying from John, and he has to start skimping on everything but the essentials. A month later he decides to try talking to the friar again. "I understand you received a vision telling you to do this," he says, "but you're really destroying my livelihood here. This is a small town, so there's only so much demand for flowers, and when you're giving them away for free there's really no way I can keep supporting myself." The friar is again apologetic, but no matter how John tries to convince him he refuses to stop giving away flowers. After an hour John gives up and leaves dejected.
By the end of the next month John is at his wits end. He realizes he's not going to be able to pay his bills anymore, and being a florist is his life's passion and he doesn't know what else he can do to support himself. He falls into dispair, and after a few days decides to try his last resort and meets up with Hugh McTaggert.
Now, Hugh McTaggert is basically the town's thug, and a nasty one at that. He's big and knows how to fight and has lost count of how many times he's been arrested, but somehow he has a talent for not actually being convicted. John tells Hugh about the situation and asks for Hugh's help. Naturally Hugh wouldn't help anybody for nothing, so John is forced to give him the very last of his savings and a promise for more money in the future.
The next day John hears that the friar's garden has been absolutely wrecked. The flower boxes have been burned, all the dirt has been salted, his tools have been stolen, and just for good measure satanic symbols have been planted all around the garden. Rumors say that the friar even received a letter, though nobody ever finds out what it says because the friar refuses to talk about it for the rest of his life.
Naturally people are outraged over it, and Hugh is dragged in for questioning, but once again Hugh had been careful enough to not leave any evidence pointing to him so he eventually gets released. John feels bad about the whole thing for the rest of his life, but his business picks up again and he is able to discretely pay off his debt to Hugh. And on those restless nights where he can't stop thinking about it, he consoles himself with the fact that only Hugh can prevent florist friars!
If the president had any real power, he'd be able to live wherever the fuck he wanted.
I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
Urgh I think I'm starting to make myself sick with these.
This is my all time favorite.
xbl - HowYouGetAnts
steam - WeAreAllGeth
Now it's a known fact that chess is a very competitive game. And though there was no prize for first place, the players would often get into heated arguments in this foyer as to who had the better opener or who took the most pieces.
After three days the hotel manger came down, irate, and made them all leave.
"Why did you get so angry?" asked the bellhop who witnessed the spectacle.
"Because," shouted the manager. "If there's one thing I can't stand its chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
xbl - HowYouGetAnts
steam - WeAreAllGeth
"Oh this?" he would say when questioned. "This is my brother Todd. He's a head."
"You're in luck," said the lemonade vendor. "This lemonade is magic. Give it a try."
Todd, the head, shrugged, which was odd for a head, and took a drink. Magically, just as he said, Todd grew a torso. He took another drink. Poof, an arm popped out. Another drink, and like magic, an arm and a leg appeared.
This is great, thought Todd. I'm almost human again.
Todd took one last drink, for the last leg, but this time he exploded into a shower of body parts.
"Ah," sighed the vendor. "I guess he should have quit while he was ahead."
xbl - HowYouGetAnts
steam - WeAreAllGeth
Anyhoo, Although I don’t even know the proper name for a tree sap collector, my hobby has led me to having an interest in all things to do with nature and wildlife…and it was in this capacity that I recently went to watch ‘Bee Movie’ starring Jerry Seinfeld (amongst others).
Upon leaving the cinema I was approached by a rather attractive young lady who asked me if I would mind answering some questions on my opinions of the film, and as a thank-you I was to be entered into a prize draw whereby one of the stars of the movie would come to my house and be my guest, he or she would sign autographs etc, before escorting me in a chauffer-driven limousine to the Ivy restaurant in London whereby I would be treated to a slap-up dinner before going to see a West End show.
Suffice to say – I didn’t think I stood a cunt’s chance of winning, so you can imagine my surprise when I was called and informed that I was one of 6 people that had won! Woo etc! I was then placed in another draw to find out which movie star would be my guest etc. The list was…
Bee Guest:
A. Jerry Seinfeld
B. Renée Zellweger
C. John Goodman
D. Matthew Broderick
E. Chris Rock
F. Patrick Warburton
I could hardly breathe with excitement as the draw was made… (It was a conference call thing with the other 5 winners on the line). I wasn’t really bothered who I got so was overjoyed when it was revealed that I was going to see Guest D - Matthew Broderick.
As the big day approached, I thought of all the questions I would ask him…’What was it like filming Ferris Beuller?’, ‘Did you have creative input in Godzilla, and if so, why was it such utter armpit?’, and ‘What’s it like being married to a horse faced moomin-momma?’ (Actually, they were the only 3 questions I could think of!)
The day finally arrived and all my family were round my house waiting to catch a glimpse of Matthew. I was in my best suit and although I’m not normally star struck, the moment I heard the knock on my door I thought I was going to faint.
But of course, as these pages have shown, the anticipation never matches the experience. As I opened the door, there he was, dressed like a mong and looking miserable ‘Let’s get this thing fucking over with’ he said.
I introduced him to my family who politely asked for his autograph and were promptly told to cock off. He stayed for about 3 minutes before saying to me, ‘Right, let’s get to the restaurant you cuntbag’
I was crushed, I was desperate to show him my tree sap collection and impress him yet here he was...acting like a proper wankbasket. I wasn’t going to give up though; I filled my suit pockets with a couple of my favourite jars, just in case the conversation cropped up later.
The trip in the limousine was awful. Matthew didn’t even acknowledge me; he just sat sniffing lines of coke and downing scotch like it was water. I couldn’t believe that this was ‘night of my life’ I had looked forward to so much.
When we arrived at the restaurant, He went straight to the bar and didn’t wait for me to catch up with him. As we were informed our table was ready, he mooched over, spilling his drink before demanding that some other people give up their tables for him, because he said he was ‘worth more than these useless fuckers’. I was so embarrassed…and seething with anger.
As he sat down we were each presented with a massive steak and two razor sharp knives. As I fantasised about ramming my blade into the shortarsed cumsponge’s eyesocket, Matthew slipped with his knife, slicing through his arm and severing his arteries!
Everybody screamed, and Matthew slumped over the table unconscious as his bodyguard uselessly shat bricks.
‘Somebody call an ambulance’ I cried, in secret shame as I had wished for this to happen. As guilt overtook me, I thought about doing something to help him – any kind of first aid must be useful – the man was dying!
Suddenly remembering my knowledge on tree-sap and its possible healing properties, I reached into my pocket, pulled out a jar and smeared the gloop over his gaping wound as it pumped blood like piss from the veins.
Miraculously, before my very eyes, the wound began to heal. The bleeding stopped, the flesh began to re-appear and the skin began growing to accommodate where there had previously been just a hideous gory mess.
In just a few moments, it was as if the accident had never taken place and Matthew was fully healed and conscious. Not only that, he was sober and clean.
Fair play to him, he was quick to be thankful and apologise.
“I’m so sorry, I was such an asshole to you, and you saved my life!” He said, “How can I ever repay you?”
“Don’t worry about it”, I said, being humbly heroic.
We finished our meals and went to the show, but Matthew was a changed man. Keen to hear about my sap collection, bright, cheerful and generous, we had a fantastic time and became close friends. He has even paid to fly me in Hollywood, where I stayed at his and Sarah’s house where he took me out to see his A-list buddies and introduced me as his ‘saviour’.
The other day, I received a call from Matthew.
“Pooflake ol’ buddy” he said, “I can’t get over how great that stuff was that saved my life that day. You should bottle it and sell it as a miracle healer”
He was on to something…I had stumbled across something that could change mankind forever…and make me a fortune in the process! All that was missing was the name. I wanted to Include ‘Matthew Broderick’ in the naming of the creation but was advised against it by his lawyers. So I thought long and hard. What could I call it that somehow honoured my friend but didn’t name him?
…and then it came to me.
…
I called it ‘My Bee Guest ‘D’ Sap ointment’
A bear walks into a bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender says "Sorry, but we have a policy about not serving bears". So the bear says, "Gimme me a drink or I'll eat that lady sitting over there". The bartender refuses and the bear eats the lady. So the bear lumbers back over and says, "Now gimme the damn drink". The bartender replies, "Sorry pal, but we also have a policy not to serve drug users". The bear, confused, asks "What the hell are you talking about? I'm not on drugs".
The bartender replies