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Don't want to hang out with a cheater
futility
Registered User, ClubPA regular
Registered User, ClubPA regular
My roommate has been seeing this girl. When they first started hooking up, she was cheating on her boyfriend and continued to do so for about a month and a half whilst promising my roommate that she'd break up with him. Now that she's finally broken up she's seeing my roommate.
I'm personally disgusted by the act of cheating and my problem in this is that I feel incredibly uncomfortable when this girl is around.
When all this started I had already spoken with my roommate about the situation and he was pretty understanding about my feelings whilst she was cheating on her last boyfriend... Now that the two of them are going out (and he's fucking her all the time) she's around a lot more.
He's renting his room from me and I don't feel I can tell him that I don't want her around. I feel like I'd be a dick to do so in that I'd ultimately dictating whom he should be with. So instead, is there anything I can do to make myself feel not disgusted by her when she's around?
I'm personally disgusted by the act of cheating and my problem in this is that I feel incredibly uncomfortable when this girl is around.
When all this started I had already spoken with my roommate about the situation and he was pretty understanding about my feelings whilst she was cheating on her last boyfriend... Now that the two of them are going out (and he's fucking her all the time) she's around a lot more.
He's renting his room from me and I don't feel I can tell him that I don't want her around. I feel like I'd be a dick to do so in that I'd ultimately dictating whom he should be with. So instead, is there anything I can do to make myself feel not disgusted by her when she's around?
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Two days later he came back because his girlfriend was a golddigging whore and dumped him when he asked to move in with her. He resented me for a while, but he later found out his girl never left her husband. Yes, husband, the man she said she was only dating for a couple of weeks before she met my brother-in-law.
The Raid
Basically, we all have to respect each other or everything will go to shit. People can be 100% wrong about everything, but they still have a right to exist, and the right to exist entails the right to date your roommate. The thing is, as much as you might want to say "hey, I really hate cheaters, so your girlfriend has to phone you when she's outside our apartment and you have to leave and meet her outside so I never have to see her," that's not cool, because everyone has people who they don't like and we can't force those people to stay away. I think it's wrong to eat meat, but I don't get mad when I have to hang out with non-vegetarians. Pro-life people think it's wrong to have an abortion, but they don't try to evict pro-choice people from the apartment next door, and vice versa.
Basically, all you're being asked to do is not exclude someone entirely from society for something that you think is wrong. Keep in mind that plenty of people don't think it is wrong to cheat on someone under certain circumstances, and although obviously you don't have to think that yourself, just realize that you're not the only person on Earth whose opinion matters.
I would just be honest with your roommate. Don't tell him that he can't have her over. Just explain that you don't like her and that you're not going to be her friend. I'm not saying be a dick to her, be civil. But limit your interactions with her. She'll get the message and give you your own space.
Also you should learn to not hold everyone to your own moral standards. Because a lot of people will not meet them and that's life. And i actually agree with you, i think cheating is morally reprehensible.
Edit: Or just read the above post. Its sums up my view far more eloquently.
But yeah, as others have said, just try to limit your interaction with her and when she's around just try your best to be civil.
You've told him how you feel about her? If you own the house/condo where you live, he should probably be a little respectful of your feelings and not have her around as much (though I'd draw the line at telling him she can't come over). They can hang out at her place. If you don't own the place, then you really don't have any say.
Do you have any issues with her beyond that she "cheated" on her ex? There are often strange circumstances. Maybe you should try to bridge the gap a little? We all make mistakes.
Satans..... hints.....
It seems like it's a frequency thing. OP didn't like her before but didn't have to see her that much. Now that they're officially together, s/he has to see her a lot and is struggling to deal with still not liking her.
I dont get the 'begone from my eyes you cheating harlot' attitude. You are quick to judge in my opinion. To quote the bible: Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? You might have personality traits which others dont like.
Anyway if you have a problem with this and dont want this in your house, say it now. If you wait, you will be the one suffering while your friend is fucking the days away.
read this goddamn post. You are way way out of line. I could add things but they wouldn't be as nice.
EDIT: I did think of something I could add:
If you found out that your mother or father had cheated on someone they had dated in their life would you want them banished from your sight?
What about if you found out that a sibling had cheated?
https://medium.com/@alascii
Uh, they are roommates and each have the right to their own personal space and mutual respect in the shared space which it doesn't sound like the other roommate is violating. You're reacting pretty... emotionally. I'd step out of the conversation. edit: because it is not good advice to counsel the advice seeker to start equating her actions with some hypothetical family member doing something horrible. He in no way has to condone her actions, he just has to ignore her.
I agree with Esh's advice so refer to that.
I didn't mean to sound emotional as much as incredulous. Wanting someone out of your house because they cheated on someone is patently ridiculous. Cheating, although something that causes incredible pain is a pretty garden variety element of relationships and does not warrant vilification. Wanting nothing do with someone because they have cheated is immature because it fails to acknowledge the complexity of relationships and peoples tendency to hurt eachother.
Wait what am I saying!? All cheaters are always cheating all the time and they are the scum of the earth.
https://medium.com/@alascii
That said, I'd just avoid her. If she's around an unreasonable amount, discuss with your roommate about maybe going to her place / out.
I disagree with you on so many levels. People do learn from their misstakes. People can have lasting serious relationships after having cheated on someone.
Also stereotyping/judging in general on 1 misstake/attribute/feature/whatever is plain wrong.
I think all people who do this are assholes.
See what i did there. I called myself an asshole.
I'll also add that there are circumstances when cheating is absolutely acceptable and/or the morally right thing to do.
I don't want to turn this into a D&D style argument about ethics here, and I have no idea the specific circumstances under which this girl cheated, but as a quick example, when in an abusive relationship. Many women (men too) in abusive relationships stay in them because they feel as though they NEED a partner and the abuser makes them feel as though nobody else will take them. Cheating on someone who has done such a huge amount of harm to you can hardly be considered morally unjustifiable, especially if it serves to help you escape that abuse by showing you that you have other options for partners. Admitted, that's a fairly extreme case but claiming it's indefensible is just plain wrong.
Really, my best advice to the OP, would be just accept it and avoid her when you can. Later if I can find it I might post a link to a thread about problems with my brother's relationship that turned out pretty badly for our relationship.
And futility, I re-read your post a little more closely. You've already told your buddy how you feel and you know that you can't bar her from the apartment, so it sounds like your only options would be to make yourself scarce while she's around or suck it up and deal.
I assume that your friend is neither your legally dependent minor nor are you responsible for his well-being. Allow him to make his own choices. I really don't understand where the anxiety over cheating comes from. At least in my experience "cheating" tends to be par for the course in more than a tiny minority of situations. It doesn't sound like she's trying to game the system, and has been open and honest about her actions from the start.
Are you seeing someone? Because I smell jealousy.
Yes, it would be. But for those who feel as though they depend on them it could help break that illusion and make them capable of dumping them.
Anyway, the solution that has (mostly) worked for me with respect to my brother's girlfriend who I've had... disagreements (thats just a kind way of saying 'she tried to cheat on him with me, I turned her down, she told him I raped her, and he tried to kill me.') with has been to just stay out of it entirely. Sure, she comes over here, but I ignore her almost entirely. If she's here for dinner I sit, eat, and avoid conversation with her. If she asks me a question I answer, but I do not ever engage conversation with her. My brother and I get along a lot better this way, and if she's found someone else to cheat on him with, not my problem. I tried to warn him and he got violent - my duty is beyond satisfied by now.
If you really want to help your friend, casually while watching a movie or something just ask something along the lines of "Didnt _________ cheat on her last boyfriend?", and when he says yes follow it up with "Doesn't that make you wonder if she might cheat on you?" He might still get annoyed by it, but it seems like the most diplomatic way to figure out his take on the situation.
I can totally commiserate however, having someone who you can't stand in your house sucks. you come home from a trying day at work, and they are sitting in your living room watching TV, you just want to explode. But unless she is there constantly (like, "should be paying rent" constantly), i do think you are overreacting a bit.
So okay, the OP's bullshit detector has gone off, and indeed, immature relationship handling and the cornucopia of consequences and complexities it creates is a sewage ridden social labyrinth that is undoubtably best left alone.
There is some bullshit there; it's natural to not want to wade through it, sit next to it on the couch, or listen to it banging your roomate. That's a pretty normal thing to feel. But pretend you have to deal with it. Tips on lessening this particular stench:
Compartmentalize. Okay she was banging two guys at the same time, one didn't know, the other probably did and doesn't care enough to dump her for it. Your involvement is only with the person you know. Does she cheat on your friend? If not, then it was just a jump- the ugly bit at the end of every non-lasting relationship. The part when you know things arent working out with person A but you have an investment and someone to watch shitty movies with and bang instead of study etc. Not everybody makes a clean slice and starts anew elsewhere, in fact that pretty much never happens. Relationships in transition are ugly little bits of rationalization and moral compromise and ain't none of it is going to look good in the light of day. So don't look at it. Look at relationship A, or relationship B, and try to ignore the stuff in the middle.
Limited exposure. Been covered, good stuff.
People are who they are, and if its not directly involving you, put your judgements on mute and try to get along- covered beautifully by Tycho.
Last up off the top of my head is 'don't look too deep'. If this girl is nice to you, is interesting and treats you fairly then take it as it is. Who they were doesn't matter. Where they were doesn't matter. What matters is how they are treating you right now. And if thats good, there's no reason to be upset. You don't have to dig deep into a character bio and realize there's something ugly there; all god's chillins got some ugly shit buried deep inside them. All of them. If it's something that will never affect you personally, let it go. You do you, that's really all that needs doing.
I am an adult homeowner who has a roommate I get along very well with who's new girlfriend I happen to find disgusting as a person (they did something recently that I find to be direct conflict with my personal morals). As a mature adult I've chosen to try and be cool about a situation externally but internally I am still pretty appalled by this woman.
What (if anything) can I do to at least try and ease my internal feelings of revulsion while I am at times forced to be around this person?
In that he gets to fuck her all the time... sure. I'm happy for him for that, but it doesn't really provide me with any sense of relief as when we talked he's expressed the concern that she'd cheat on him... but it's a new thing and they're banging so it doesn't matter much at the moment.
If your friend had made this thread, I'd ask if there were any signs that she would be cheating and if he had talked to her about these concerns. But you aren't dating this girl.
And really, your friend knew she had a boyfriend but he was fucking her anyway. He's not exactly a saint either and the fact that she disgusts you but you have no ill will towards your roomie says a lot about how weird your morals are.
I mean, you've got this moral justification all laid out for being appalled and revulsed by a particular set of actions. You haven't mentioned the person or personality, you're attaching moral outrage at an action to a person as a whole. It's the same (presumably faulty) reasoning used to justify hating 'teh gays'- or any group of people who do things in a way one doesn't agree with.
If one continues on with that line of reasoning, then one of the more successful approaches would be to try and see this girl as an individual, a person with thoughts and feelings, drives and insecurities, going about their life in the best way they know how with the tools and situations they've been given. Make a direct and specific effort to quit painting her with the generic 'cheating hoebag' brush, and actually find out who she is.
You obviously have some pretty severe and generalized feelings and assumptions about 'cheaters'. Set that aside, and learn about Mary. Mary has a story, Mary has parents and a home life, she has a way of thinking and perceiving, she has reasons behind her actions. Stop assuming that you already know what she's like, and actually find out what she's like. Odds are you'll be surprised, just like pretty much everyone who makes blanketed judgements about of group of people and really gets to know an individual within it.
For example:
OPs morals are fine. Someone cheating is a lot worse then someone being the other person. The OPs roomate didnt make a commitment to anyone, isnt lying or betraying anyone. He is simply putting his own happiness ahead of a strangers, which is sort of shitty, but not really anything horribly bad. So its perfectly normal to find the act of cheating to be horrible and gross and not find the act of being the other person bad.
Still, that being said, its ok to not like your friends girlfriend. Its ok to be worried about him. But this whole thread seems to be a bit of an over-reaction. You really cant control who your buddy dates and nor should you want to. Youve expressed your concerns, and thats really all you can/should do. As for putting up with ehr being around, just dont focus on it. Chances are the only way something like this will bother you is if you let it/want it to. If you three are sitting watching a movie, theres no reason you should be focusing on "this lady is a horrible person, she cheated on her boyfriend!" you should likely just be enjoying the movie...
The flip side to everyone's advice that you should live and let live is that you don't have to worry yourself overmuch when his personal life is an impending train wreck. Your role as a friend is to offer support. You might point this out once - though he already realizes the risks, so not much point in harping about it.
Cheating isn't healthy but usually isn't a sign of malevolence but of emotional immaturity. Or a more cavalier European attitude about taking lovers that you and I don't share. Can you explain more about wh cheating brings up such bile in your throat (and posts)? Identifying more specifics is a good first step towards reconciling your feelings.
My point is that now she isn't doing the thing that is annoying him so theoretically she shouldn't be annoying him.
The OP has also not covered why she cheated on her boyfriend. Maybe she was stuck in a shitty relationship where she honestly didn't believe she could do better because he treated her like crap and when she finally met the OP's roommate she didn't break up with her boyfriend because she didn't have enough confidence. Or maybe she just really likes screwing different dudes. There are different seriousness of cheating as well.
Finally back to my original point. The OP is judging someone for a single action, it would be unfair to judge the OP for a single action he did a while back as well, especially since he is not directly effected by it.
Satans..... hints.....
This
Also, if you're operating under the assumption that your other friends are squeaky clean in this respect you're way off base - cheating is a thing that happens to and/or by the majority of people at one point in their life or another
I would suggest learning tolerance and reevaluating the dichotomy of your morals
Part of what might help is realizing that this appears to be a fairly common phenomenon. It may also help to realize that humans seem to have some traits that suggest we did not evolve as a monogamous species. It may be in our natures (at least for some of us) to have multiple sexual partners, and the pressure to be monogamous is a social one. When social pressures conflict with natural pressures, it shouldn't be too surprising that at least occasionally our animal desires take precedence. With something as strong as the drive to reproduce, it shouldn't be surprising when that desire takes precendence quite often.
You're a child.
Also, about the OP problem again. It doesn't make much sense why he should care who the girl is or what she's done. It's not his business in the first place. Sounds like jealousy to me, not any kind of righteous moral stance.
People cheat. Some for months, some for years, and usually the people who could be hurt in the process will go to their deathbeds never knowing about it. There are much worse things that happen every day.