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Married Guy With a Crush (What the hell is wrong with me?)
obviouslyiamanalt
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I’ve been happily married for nearly 7 years now. I have a three year old son and a new baby coming soon. I love my family very much, and my relationship with my wife is as strong now as it’s ever been.
However, I have a huge crush on a woman I work with, whom we’ll call Josie. This is weird for me for several reasons:
However, Josie has been recently consuming my thoughts for the past six months. When I dream (which is rare, as I never remember my dreams), it’s of her. It’s not even like I’d have a shot with her if I wasn’t married; I know nothing about her personal life. Josie could be engaged or a lesbian; no clue.
Like I said, I don't have contact with her, so it's not even like "don't hang out with her" or "cut off communication" can really be effective, because there's nothing currently happening there. I wouldn't dream of pursuing anything with this woman (consciously, anyway; as I noted above, my subconscious has latched on tightly to this proposition).
Am I just being an idiot? Anyone have any advice (other than "Don't think about pink elephants)?
However, I have a huge crush on a woman I work with, whom we’ll call Josie. This is weird for me for several reasons:
1). Josie isn’t a new employee; she’s starting her 2nd year with our company, so it’s not like it’s
a “freshman year” kind of crush.
2). Josie’s cute but she’s not a bombshell, by any means. I certainly wouldn’t rank her higher than my wife. She’s nice enough, but I’ve probably spoken less than 10 sentences to her since she’s worked here.
3). On that note, I rarely communicate with Josie as it currently stands. About once a month, when I’m in her part of the building and I happen to see her, I wave and say, “Hi”. This is the extent of my interaction with her. It’s not like I’m actively seeking her out, or she’s constantly dropping by my office. I only email her when absolutely necessary (and for work-related reasons), which is maybe once a month, and that’s probably overestimating it.
a “freshman year” kind of crush.
2). Josie’s cute but she’s not a bombshell, by any means. I certainly wouldn’t rank her higher than my wife. She’s nice enough, but I’ve probably spoken less than 10 sentences to her since she’s worked here.
3). On that note, I rarely communicate with Josie as it currently stands. About once a month, when I’m in her part of the building and I happen to see her, I wave and say, “Hi”. This is the extent of my interaction with her. It’s not like I’m actively seeking her out, or she’s constantly dropping by my office. I only email her when absolutely necessary (and for work-related reasons), which is maybe once a month, and that’s probably overestimating it.
However, Josie has been recently consuming my thoughts for the past six months. When I dream (which is rare, as I never remember my dreams), it’s of her. It’s not even like I’d have a shot with her if I wasn’t married; I know nothing about her personal life. Josie could be engaged or a lesbian; no clue.
Like I said, I don't have contact with her, so it's not even like "don't hang out with her" or "cut off communication" can really be effective, because there's nothing currently happening there. I wouldn't dream of pursuing anything with this woman (consciously, anyway; as I noted above, my subconscious has latched on tightly to this proposition).
Am I just being an idiot? Anyone have any advice (other than "Don't think about pink elephants)?
obviouslyiamanalt on
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If your wife and you have a very stable relationship and are great at talking or she doesn't get jealous, have you considered talking to her about it? It'll pass. I don't really know what you're looking for advice in, you said you wouldn't want to even do anything with her so... just I guess let it pass?
It doesn't sound like you have anything to do with this woman outside of your dreams, and no intentions. As you say, you can't "cut off" anything since there is nothing there. So take comfort in that and enjoy your life with your family.
Obsessing over your dreams is not going to help you any. It's okay to have such dreams in a healthy relationship when you realize that they are just that, dreams. If your consuming thoughts of Josie are just obsessing over the dreams you have no control over, then it is something you will have to learn to let go.
This is coming from someone who has a lot of thoughts and dreams, obsessions, that are worrisome until you realize that they do not mean you are a bad person or that you will act on them.
Josie does not have baggage that you have to deal with. Josie doesn't represent a long, detailed and perhaps at times overwhelming relationship and child (all relationships can be overwhelming sometimes, this is not inherently a bad thing). So she's an escape, like an all-inclusive vacation to Rio only with boobs.
You said you're not talking to her. Cool. She's just an ephemeral ghost of a good time. We ALL have these feelings sometimes about other people, jobs, opportunities, etc. That's why we like entertainment after all. Currently, you've done nothing wrong.
Do you have the kind of relationship where you can joke about this stuff with your wife? It takes trust, some couples have that level of intimacy and some just never open in that particular way. I think being able to discuss your inner feelings and drives with your partner is a good thing in general, but you'd both have to agree and not harbor jealousy/anger over expressions that you have the odd stray desire outside of your current circumstances.
If you were talking to her and had a feeling of growing urgency/excitement that'd be bad because it may lead to infidelity and ruining your situation, and I'd probably recommend you talk to someone and/or stop talking to Josie.
edit: Bowen beat me to it in a more succinct manner. I will have my revenge, Bowen!
It's weird that you're obsessing over her for 6 months when you don't even know her, though. What does she represent to you?
Anyway, as a quick litmus test of whether or not you could talk to your wife about this: read your post and think honestly how you'd feel if your wife wrote it.
I don't think it's that odd. He's just attached his fantasy woman to a real person, physically. The fact that he knows nothing about her is why that is doable, since she is almost a blank slate and cannot contradict his fantasy woman.
A very likely possibility is that if he did get to know her, the mystery going away would end the fantasy built on top of her.
We don't like reality getting in the way of our fantasies.
Though we do both have our "allowed to sleep with this person list." Julia Stiles, if you're reading this...
xbl - HowYouGetAnts
steam - WeAreAllGeth
Don't meet her.
He would have to get to know her a LOT more than a normal interaction to overcome the crush/fantasy. Any interaction would probably just fuel it.
Talking it out is almost always the best way to go. With your partner, close friend, therapist, etc. Once we take things out of our minds and put them on paper or into words, we deal with the feelings a lot better for some reason.
I never prescribed meeting her. I am saying the result would likely be bursting the bubble.
It's unnecessary to attempt that since it's better to realize that fantasies are healthy in an already healthy relationship.
It's funny when you have this talk and realize that your lists overlap.
Being repressed ain't the way to be! But, you know, be respectful. Everything has to be mutual.
See it isn't obvious to me what she represents because he doesn't know anything about her personality and she's a mundane co-worker - it's not like she's in a role or position that represents uninhibited freedom. It's weird not because it's a fantasy but because the fantasy doesn't seem compelling enough to last for six months the way the OP has described things, which is why I was hoping for more detail.
I wouldn't be surprised if the OP considers Josie the "most attractive" of the people he works with and, since he doesn't know anything about her, he is essentially thinking of her the same as an attractive celebrity. He knows nothing is going to happen but because of that he feels safe fantasizing about her. And the fantasies can be entirely mundane — maybe the OP drives to the grocery store with Josie in a dream, for example.
I think the OP may be bored socially and this is his brain acting out. He doesn't necessarily have to do anything about it — and if he did, I would suggest "meet more friends or pick up new hobbies that involve other people." Certainly nothing unnatural about it.
It's normal, try not to think about it, and eventually it will fade. Or not.
...as I check over my shoulder to make sure no one is reading this.
Fortunately my husband and I don't have the same taste in women.
This all sounds pretty normal to me. I'd wager most everyone has or has had something like this at one time or another. You never see her, you're not acting on it, and you love your wife, so I'd say don't stress over it.
People exist on a spectrum of pure monogamous to pure poly-amorous, and some people enjoy partner swapping, bringing in 3rd (or more) parties into bed etc.
Hell your wife might have someone in mind that she wants to drag into bed with you two and might not have had the nerve to say so
Honestly, I think he might even do better to get to know her professionally so that he might actually stop fantasizing about Josie and back to the nameless woman he's probably built in his mind.
I just wanted to get this out in the open and out of my head. The close friends I have that I'd even think about talking about this are A) a guy who has cheated on every girl he's every dated and
The dreams with Josie in them are all pretty mundane: going to the movies, shopping, etc. The closest physical intimacy we shared in any of these dreams was holding hands, so that's something, I guess?
As EggyToast suggested, a major thing that makes Josie stand out as different is literal: she's at least 6'2", which is taller than me by a margin, making her probably the tallest woman I've ever had any sort of contact with, at work or out and about.
I think part of it is that I realize that as a married man with soon-to-be 2 kids, I'm never going to have that uncertainty and butterflies of dating and falling in love again. (Does she like me? When should I call her? What's her family like? etc.) I've been down the road, and there's no turning back. Not that that's a bad thing, but it's just an observation. Just like I'm never going to graduate from High School again or have a 10th birthday again. It's a chapter of my life that's over and done that I can look back on, but never really revisit. And I suppose that's a bit sad, and thinking about Josie is sort of a window to that. I'm a little too young for a mid-life crisis.
I don't know; I'm rambling at this point. I do appreciate the advice and comments that have come of this though. It makes me feel a little less of a heel.
Imagine having to tell your wife that you cheated on her.
If the thought of that doesn't pretty much ruin your entire existence then you may have a problem, but I imagine you're pretty sane and if you get that idea, it will do nicely to temper anything you feel.
As I always say: I can look at the menu, I just can't order anything.
And I don't put myself in those positions. But there are always hot chicks you may see on a regular basis. You're human.
"Oh what a day, what a LOVELY DAY!"
If by "funny" you mean "super convenient".
To be on topic, I think just writing out your post will have probably helped you quite a bit. People have fantasies, and sometimes they get hold of you for a bit, but it takes active effort to actually follow up on them. (think about how much work it would be to actually cheat on your wife. Ugh. Who needs that headache?) I'd vote for talking about it w/ your wife if that your relationship is one where you can talk about that sort of thing academically.
Don't bring it up to your wife, it isn't relevant to her and could only concern her.
but they're listening to every word I say
https://medium.com/@alascii
Everybody's relationship is different, but I'm going to go with this because pregnancy is not great for making one feel attractive, so broaching this topic right now is probably dangerously unwise.
She also has Taye Diggs on her list, and I totally get it. I'm not saying I'd have sex with him....
Anyway, long story short the problem with the "grass is always greener on the other side" is that once you're on the other side you'll probably find the grass is more yellow-green and the original side is indeed the greener. Except to get to the other side you'd have ruined your marriage, and probably more than just one whole life, and burned any bridges you used to get there.
As far as a solution goes, I'd say you can go one of two routes: Dig deep on this crush girl, you'll find something that you find unattractive and then focus on that. She'll seem less dreamy and more realistic. One time not long ago I was looking at buying a sports car (specifically an AW11 Toyota MR2 that I could get a totally sweet deal on) and imagined myself driving around in a sweet mid-engine car, then I looked at videos on youtube pertaining to crash test results and realized that my idealized dream car was nothing more than a deathtrap rust-bucket waiting to get crushed under some soccer mom's urban assault vehicle, so I stuck with my midsized sedan. Not saying that your wife is a midsized sedan or anything.
The other route is to create a more extreme negative association so that whenever you think of her you then think of something you don't want to think about. Things like that movie the human centipede or other frequently linked to internet phenomenons that I'll not mention.
Hahaha. Oh god. Me and my fiance have the same talks. It started when I introduced her to the James Bond films (I have the entire collection). We were watching Goldeneye (Cuz it's my favorite), and everything was fine until it got to the point where Xena was in her skin-tight pilot suit. I muttered "I'd totally hit that." and kinda did a double-take to see what her reaction was. To my surprise...she wasn't offended. She then proceeded to tell me the things she'd do to Pierce Brosnan if she were alone. I didn't get offended. Of course, I had to take things to the "weird" level and say "Yeah, If I were gay, I'd totally be all over him.". Silence for the rest of the movie.
Anyway, what i'm trying to say is...use humor? I dunno what I'm trying to say haha. Give talking to her about it a shot. Let her know how it's bugging you and how it makes you feel. I'm pretty sure you'll get some laughs out of her if she's a light hearted person!
https://medium.com/@alascii
But yeah this is perfectly normal, it's an infatuation that will pass.
This doesn't work.
I agree with the latter part at this point, but the first part of this post is not true in the least.
What gets me though is that the OP doesn't even really know this girl. They aren't friends. So the only thing he has a crush on right now is an idea - not a person. I am rather in favour of striking up a conversation with her, as to destroy the fantasy of what she COULD be.
Mind you, there is always the opposite side of that, and she ends up being the perfect girl for him. Either way, better to find out and deal with it from there. It doesn't really change anything if he 100% wants to stay with his wonderful wife.
I think you can safely label yourself a master of introspection.
I've felt the same way. I still feel the same way sometimes. As others have said, you're just putting your fantasy on to a blank slate, that happens to be a real woman. As for advice, I'd say avoid her on the off chance you get that 'click' when you started talking to her. And remind yourself that if you got to know her as well as you know your wife she'd have just as much crap and eventually be just as mundane (no insult to your wife, you know what I mean).
On your overall point I think you are spot on, I'm in the same boat as you are, family wise. It is great, we love our families, but most likely we'll never get to feel that giddy, mysterious, chaotic, 'in love' experience again and that is a bummer that monogamous spouses get to deal with.
Edit: And no, don't bring it up with your wife, lol.
No. He's happy now with his wife and he has young children. This isn't the time in his life he should be rolling the dice to find out how strong his hormones are and risk setting fire to everything he loves.
Now, if he was married, miserable, with no kids? I'd probably tell him to talk to the lady.
Edit: Unless he has a will of iron, there is always the chance they would hit it off. His minor thoughts of a simple life slowly turn more lustful as the flirtation gets heavier, then they start greeting each other at work with little hugs and hands on shoulders, all innocent, right up until they're drunk at the Christmas party shagging in the closet. Now he has a horrific STD and she wants to raise his mentally disabled love child but it doesn't matter because his wife murdered him.
Of course, this could go really bad and you could fall madly in love with her. Then you should move to Antarctica and wrestle polar bears.
Impregnate her and you'll lose all interest is my advice. Or just get to know her like Hoz suggested and most likely get the same benefit.
If you find yourself wishing you weren't in a relationship so you could pursue someone? Might be a problem, because you're recognizing that there's something you want or need that you're not getting. Then you'd need to figure out what that is with your wife and try to fix it.
Who says you can't? Woo your wife again. Get creative. Surprise her. Lord knows if she's pregnant and stressed out, you might make her day, which in turn will help remind you why you're in this new chapter
No polar bears in Antarctica :P
But, the real reason I quoted this post is the first part; it is the advice I came in here to give.
It might be terrible advice for some people, but I've been married for almost 8 years now and she is still my best friend. I've had crushes, some of which I've talked with my wife about, others didn't seem to have a point. I will say this though, every crush I've had, the more I've gotten to know the girl, the more the crush went away.
This is probably because I have still yet to meet another girl that clicks with me, like I do with my wife; but the more I get to know anyone I've had a crush on, I either just see them as a friend, or how stupid/annoying they actually are.
On the poly/threeway note, its something we've also talked about, but I don't think thats ever going to happen. For it to work, there would have to be a third party that we were both attracted/not threatened to/by and that third party would have to be attracted to both of us. Honestly, finding someone like that is super rare. I don't know how all of this talk of threeways on advice columns and magazines ends up going down because it seems like most people have a hard enough time finding someone who clicks with just them, let alone two people.