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Family Matters
bestintentions
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I don't know what to do. I need some outside perspectives.
I'm an only child. So is my dad. My mother is not existent in this story - she and I do not speak, and haven't since I was quite young. I'm nearly 30, now. I moved out (from my Dad's place) when I was 19. I've lived in a city approximately 3 hours away since then. When I moved out, my Dad got married to a wonderful woman we'll call Anne, and her 3 children: 2 boys, we'll call them Red and Blue, and 1 girl, we'll call Elizabeth.
The past few years, I have not gone home for Christmas. One year it was because I wasn't feeling well, another year it was because we had someone here whom we wanted to take care of.
Our plans for this year were to go back to my partner's hometown, and hang out there. It turned out that those plans fell through (too much $$$, not enough time off).
When my Dad called in November, I told him that our plans had fell through, and he very warmly and sincerely invited us to their place for Christmas. I told him we'd talk about it and see if we could. As soon as I got off the phone, I booked the transportation needed to get over there, booked a hotel (since the house would be full), and was excited to call him back to tell him.
When I did so, I got an "Oh. Okay. Cool." ...Okay, maybe he was just busy.
The next day he calls me back and tells me not to bring any gifts, and that I wouldn't be getting gifts, because this is too late of notice. I agree, of course. I don't want any gifts anyway, and I'm broke - especially after paying for all of the transportation/hotel.
Then he goes on to tell me that some family members have "grudges" against me.
I further mentioned the fact that I am not comfortable in a big family, that I've always been an only child, and while I love and respect those people, it can not be accepted that I automatically do all the things a large family wants me to do and expects from me. I also noted that he was an only child, but has had 10 years to integrate himself -- and has done a great job -- but it's not fair to me to expect me to be comfortable and loving of people I barely even know.
Today I got an email, which brings us to this post.
He said that I had a faulty view of things. He said that he had gone to a counselor to learn how to "deal" with me. He said I was no longer invited to Christmas, and that he did not want me to call him. He said that maybe in the new year, in the spring, we could rent cabins (near his city) and get a "facilitator" in case anything bad happened. I don't entirely know what that even means. What I CAN tell you, is that neither he nor I have the disposable income to do such a thing, nor the free time.
He said he'd like to keep things text, and looks forward to further emails.
He wants us to "work on our relationship". The odd thing is, I've never felt our relationship has needed any work. For Father's day in 2009, I sent him a laptop so we could communicate more frequently, since his laptop was dying. He was very appreciative of it, clearly, and then in the emails lately he said I was trying to use material goods instead of giving him respect. I found that incredibly hurtful - especially since I sent my grandma a laptop as well, so that she could keep touch better, too. My dad was supposed to help her get an email account set up so we could email, but never did. Last year he didn't send me anything for my birthday - which I wouldn't care, I'm not a big fan of gifts from anyone but my SO, but he had ALWAYS sent me one in years prior. I didn't mention it, of course. Why would I? Every time I've asked to come visit, I've been told that the house is too full - and I'm sorry but I can't afford to get a hotel for myself every time, I'm trying to save money. I'm also going to school part time, work full time, and volunteer. I have a very busy life. My dad only has Sundays off, and whenever I've gone over before, no time has been made for me.
I just don't know what to do. At all. He thinks that our relationship is so bad that we need counseling, and I feel like the step family MUST have him brain-washed or SOMETHING. Which is sad because I did really like those people - until I learned that they were all nattering about me behind my back.
Also my grandma is oblivious to what's going on. Since our hotel & transport is already booked, we're still going over there for Christmas - I think we may just see my Grandparents on Christmas Eve instead, and do our own thing on Christmas day.
I'm totally lost, though. Help please.
I'm an only child. So is my dad. My mother is not existent in this story - she and I do not speak, and haven't since I was quite young. I'm nearly 30, now. I moved out (from my Dad's place) when I was 19. I've lived in a city approximately 3 hours away since then. When I moved out, my Dad got married to a wonderful woman we'll call Anne, and her 3 children: 2 boys, we'll call them Red and Blue, and 1 girl, we'll call Elizabeth.
The past few years, I have not gone home for Christmas. One year it was because I wasn't feeling well, another year it was because we had someone here whom we wanted to take care of.
Our plans for this year were to go back to my partner's hometown, and hang out there. It turned out that those plans fell through (too much $$$, not enough time off).
When my Dad called in November, I told him that our plans had fell through, and he very warmly and sincerely invited us to their place for Christmas. I told him we'd talk about it and see if we could. As soon as I got off the phone, I booked the transportation needed to get over there, booked a hotel (since the house would be full), and was excited to call him back to tell him.
When I did so, I got an "Oh. Okay. Cool." ...Okay, maybe he was just busy.
The next day he calls me back and tells me not to bring any gifts, and that I wouldn't be getting gifts, because this is too late of notice. I agree, of course. I don't want any gifts anyway, and I'm broke - especially after paying for all of the transportation/hotel.
Then he goes on to tell me that some family members have "grudges" against me.
My step-family. Everything he said had never been told to me, some things ranging from over 2 years ago. One of the issues was that last year, I drew a Secret Santa (one gift per person), and got my step-brother Blue. Blue never received his gift.
I bought Blue a gift, and it was agreed between me and Anne that when Blue got back (we live in the same city, he & I) I would contact him and give him his gift. When he got back, I texted him. I emailed. I called. I got no response. Months past, and he wouldn't contact me. What was I supposed to do? Dude wouldn't get back to me, and I needed to see him face to face because part of my gift was a lunch of his choice.
I explained that to my Dad on the phone and wondered why Blue had never contacted me. He didn't answer that, and just kept saying that it was a mean thing to do. No one ever answered me as to why Blue wouldn't call me when he saw I'd called him.
The other thing was that at my sister Elizabeth's wedding in 2009, my partner and I showed up (3 hours away, transportation costs, hotel costs, and I was forced to buy a dress because it was demanded), we went to the ceremony and then to the reception - where we stayed for about an hour and a half before leaving, to meet some friends for a quick dinner and then catch our ferry home.
Apparently, Elizabeth was outraged that we did not stay into the wee hours of the night. I have to say right here that Elizabeth had treated me like hell in 2007 and I didn't want to go to her wedding in the first place - but did out of respect for the family.
Additionally, she was angry at me because I had not congratulated her on finding out she was having a female baby. I congratulated her when she became pregnant, but not when she posted it was a female baby. After a week of me not saying anything, she posted it on my Facebook wall. I still said nothing. A week later, she MESSAGED me. I didn't respond. I don't like her one bit, she's the kind of girl who has bought a coat instead of paying her electricity bill - I try not to show this, I'm polite to her, but I will not give a forced congratulations. Once she actually HAS the kid, THEN I feel a congratulations is in order. Right now it's just "Oh good, you had sex. Good for you." I know this may seem dickish, but the fact that she complained to my DAD about it is just unnecessary. I've posted a million things that a good family would congratulate, and have never received one.
There are the 3 big things. In any case, my Dad emailed me a few days after the phonecall, saying a lot of very upsetting things. He said I was manipulative and had used him (I've never asked him for anything - and when I did live with him, I was just ... a normal teenager.) He said that I didn't love the family, that Anne was disappointed in me because of the way I'd treated Elizabeth.
I emailed back, clearing up my side. I was not offensive, I was clear and precise, I did not accuse anyone of anything. I had 3 or 4 friends proofread before sending it. I told him to send me an email or text letting me know what time he'd like me to call him today, so we could chat.
I bought Blue a gift, and it was agreed between me and Anne that when Blue got back (we live in the same city, he & I) I would contact him and give him his gift. When he got back, I texted him. I emailed. I called. I got no response. Months past, and he wouldn't contact me. What was I supposed to do? Dude wouldn't get back to me, and I needed to see him face to face because part of my gift was a lunch of his choice.
I explained that to my Dad on the phone and wondered why Blue had never contacted me. He didn't answer that, and just kept saying that it was a mean thing to do. No one ever answered me as to why Blue wouldn't call me when he saw I'd called him.
The other thing was that at my sister Elizabeth's wedding in 2009, my partner and I showed up (3 hours away, transportation costs, hotel costs, and I was forced to buy a dress because it was demanded), we went to the ceremony and then to the reception - where we stayed for about an hour and a half before leaving, to meet some friends for a quick dinner and then catch our ferry home.
Apparently, Elizabeth was outraged that we did not stay into the wee hours of the night. I have to say right here that Elizabeth had treated me like hell in 2007 and I didn't want to go to her wedding in the first place - but did out of respect for the family.
Additionally, she was angry at me because I had not congratulated her on finding out she was having a female baby. I congratulated her when she became pregnant, but not when she posted it was a female baby. After a week of me not saying anything, she posted it on my Facebook wall. I still said nothing. A week later, she MESSAGED me. I didn't respond. I don't like her one bit, she's the kind of girl who has bought a coat instead of paying her electricity bill - I try not to show this, I'm polite to her, but I will not give a forced congratulations. Once she actually HAS the kid, THEN I feel a congratulations is in order. Right now it's just "Oh good, you had sex. Good for you." I know this may seem dickish, but the fact that she complained to my DAD about it is just unnecessary. I've posted a million things that a good family would congratulate, and have never received one.
There are the 3 big things. In any case, my Dad emailed me a few days after the phonecall, saying a lot of very upsetting things. He said I was manipulative and had used him (I've never asked him for anything - and when I did live with him, I was just ... a normal teenager.) He said that I didn't love the family, that Anne was disappointed in me because of the way I'd treated Elizabeth.
I emailed back, clearing up my side. I was not offensive, I was clear and precise, I did not accuse anyone of anything. I had 3 or 4 friends proofread before sending it. I told him to send me an email or text letting me know what time he'd like me to call him today, so we could chat.
I further mentioned the fact that I am not comfortable in a big family, that I've always been an only child, and while I love and respect those people, it can not be accepted that I automatically do all the things a large family wants me to do and expects from me. I also noted that he was an only child, but has had 10 years to integrate himself -- and has done a great job -- but it's not fair to me to expect me to be comfortable and loving of people I barely even know.
Today I got an email, which brings us to this post.
He said that I had a faulty view of things. He said that he had gone to a counselor to learn how to "deal" with me. He said I was no longer invited to Christmas, and that he did not want me to call him. He said that maybe in the new year, in the spring, we could rent cabins (near his city) and get a "facilitator" in case anything bad happened. I don't entirely know what that even means. What I CAN tell you, is that neither he nor I have the disposable income to do such a thing, nor the free time.
He said he'd like to keep things text, and looks forward to further emails.
He wants us to "work on our relationship". The odd thing is, I've never felt our relationship has needed any work. For Father's day in 2009, I sent him a laptop so we could communicate more frequently, since his laptop was dying. He was very appreciative of it, clearly, and then in the emails lately he said I was trying to use material goods instead of giving him respect. I found that incredibly hurtful - especially since I sent my grandma a laptop as well, so that she could keep touch better, too. My dad was supposed to help her get an email account set up so we could email, but never did. Last year he didn't send me anything for my birthday - which I wouldn't care, I'm not a big fan of gifts from anyone but my SO, but he had ALWAYS sent me one in years prior. I didn't mention it, of course. Why would I? Every time I've asked to come visit, I've been told that the house is too full - and I'm sorry but I can't afford to get a hotel for myself every time, I'm trying to save money. I'm also going to school part time, work full time, and volunteer. I have a very busy life. My dad only has Sundays off, and whenever I've gone over before, no time has been made for me.
I just don't know what to do. At all. He thinks that our relationship is so bad that we need counseling, and I feel like the step family MUST have him brain-washed or SOMETHING. Which is sad because I did really like those people - until I learned that they were all nattering about me behind my back.
Also my grandma is oblivious to what's going on. Since our hotel & transport is already booked, we're still going over there for Christmas - I think we may just see my Grandparents on Christmas Eve instead, and do our own thing on Christmas day.
I'm totally lost, though. Help please.
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It appears that your father's family doesn't want anything to do with you, and makes problems out of little things.
If it is worth it to salvage your relationship with your father, then go for it. I would suggest that just you and your father sit down instead of having the rest of the family there. If it isn't worth it, move on. Not knowing your father's side of the story, it seems like this type of relationship is harmful. If you are being expected to do things without that being communicated, then get out. You can't live your life worrying about if you pleased your father's family via some unspecified expectations.
I would bet that the facilitator/counseling he is talking about isn't to work on the problems together as much as it is to make you change to what they find acceptable.
If you get you dad alone maybe you can change his mind, maybe.. but dollars to donuts his view wont change until they are gone and he realizes what hes done
The only thing I can recomend is to go along with this plan he has to meet and talk with a counsellor. It might even be a good step to send him an email to the effect that you don't want him to feel like the two of you have a "bad relationship" and that if he feels councelling would help you're ready and willing to do that. In the same email, I would also at least mention that you're confused about what brought this on, and further mention your financial situation and explain that this curtails how often you can visit, etc.
Sucks to hear you've been blindsided by this. I hope this ends up being a misunderstanding on his part. *hugs*
He prefers text but that can be read by everyone and manipulated in many ways. I think the only way you may actually figure out what's going on is for the two of you to have a private conversation with nobody else involved. Although it doesn't look like that will happen over the holidays.
I have to say that, yes, if he thinks we need a facilitator, he definitely sees things differently than me.
Something I've thought about, though -- and tell me if you agree -- do you think it's a little bit odd that he invited me over for Christmas, then when I said I was coming - said "okay, cool" ... then called back later with a bunch of negativity? It sounds an awful lot to me like he had to tell someone else and was hoping that their response would be positive.
There is another part to this, too. My dad told me that Anne had broken up with him once before they got married because she didn't want to come between me and my Dad (which is BS - my entire life as a teenager was in my bedroom at the computer, and I know I wasn't unique in that - I didn't care if my dad was home or not, though he rarely was.)
But I know, because Anne told me once, that my Dad had cheated on her and they'd split for a bit. So... my dad saying that they broke up because of ME is ... well. It's hurtful. But I would never do anything to jeopardize my Dad and Anne's relationship (he'd be angry if he knew she'd told me that.) Which is also funny because he also mentioned that he felt like I'd been trying to drive a wedge between the two of them ....
it's just the weirdest thing. Every time I try to think of what to say back to him, I end up crying out of frustration or shaking my head and feeling like I could sleep forever.
Furthermore, if you play along, you're conceding that there's a problem with you and allowing them to say both how that problem should be addressed and conclude whether or not it has been resolved. If they have a bias against you, then they'll simply keep setting terms, keep saying you're not behaving correctly, and keep putting off the day when they have to accept you as an equal.
Personally, I'd just say that you want a relationship with your dad, but not the kind of relationship where you're made to feel unwelcome, or that people are doing you a favor by putting up with you. If they can't treat you well, then they don't deserve your company.
Lastly, I get the sense that the family just wants to cut you out of their lives, but can't do so without seeming cruel. For that reason, they're treating you a certain way in hopes that you'll take the hint. With that in mind, remember that even if you walk away from them, they're still the ones who are responsible for the rift. Thus, reconciliatory gestures are theirs to make, not yours.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
I'd ask your dad to put some time aside on Christmas so you can talk two can discuss the situation. I think it's weird that he wants to keep things to text and email. Almost like he wants to stay emotionally detached from you. Which is what some "facilitator" or manipulative person would have him do.
If you want to still have a relationship with his stepfamily then it will probably be hell getting them to stop being the way they are to you without changing who you are. If you want to just salvage your relationship with your father then it could be easier.
It will be tough either way. Simply because most of them are around him everyday. So if you decided to cut off contact and sever ties with the kids then it's going to only add to the problems with your father.
Like I said though try to get some time in person where it's only you two or maybe your grandparents as well.
As for Christmas - I am no longer welcome, so, unfortunately the heart-to-heart is not permitted. I had recommended that I go over on Christmas and we could speak, and was told no, that Christmas was not FOR that.
I have never expected any of them to change - Elizabeth specifically, though she had done something terribly rude to me in earlier years that I have not described - but I kept it to myself. If I had a problem with her, I should speak to her, not to her parents. But maybe that's how siblings act when they live together? They just tell their parents on the other and expect the parents to deal with it?
That's not how I act. I take on my problems head-first.
Woah, what the hell? Yeeeeeeeah, this seems fucking crazy... It's like, you're his daughter, not Germany...
That said, on first read of your post, my thoughts were simple, and blunt.
"Well screw them. I hope the guy has his own great Christmas just like the ones he had in previous years".
If you are getting stuff laid on you like "we need to have a facilitator when we meet" then that seems a bit heavy. Live your life, and distance yourself from these situations. Admittedly I only read your post through once but it sounded like you were perfectly content and a new family situation has just introduced a lot of drama? Christmas isn't the time to go head on with issues & drama, so don't bother. I totally agree with your view though, if someone has a problem, then discuss. Maybe leave it all until the New Year?
If you want to try and repair things with your Dad, you'll unfortunately have to do it through Anne and her family, which I'm afraid to say, means making an effort. It doesn't take three seconds saying 'congratulations' to your step sister on her new baby here, an 'I'm sorry it seemed like I was excluding you, it wasn't my intention' there. It doesn't matter if you don't mean it or if you're uncomfortable with saying it in the first place, at the end of the day, if you don't want things to turn more sour with your Dad, you'll do it. Because he's your Dad.
I go through similar rituals with my Mum's new husband, we're not exactly compatible with each other but I try, because that's all that matters to my Mum. And if this guy makes my Mum happy, that's good enough for me to make the effort.
t Mr V - i've been told that speaking to these relatives now would only cause further pain. That is something I suggested I do when he called the first time. When it was brought up that Blue never got his present, I said "Fine, he never got it from me, maybe he had his own reasons. I'll just bring it now." And was told no, that would be hurtful.
I don't think anyone should need to change in this situation. I asked my Dad many, many times what I could do to make things right - or if he could give me an example of how I could be a better family member - and he just kept saying "value and respect them". None of these people have ever done anything for me. Blue, I used to invite over constantly to hang out. He always declined. Elizabeth got invited to one of the most important things, and accepted because she could go shopping in the city it was taking place. She made no secret of this. Anne was supposed to come to this important event with her - and then Elizabeth invited her boyfriend. When I told them I would not pay for the extra person (as it was a private event - but he was welcome to pay for himself), she flipped out, refused to come, and then Anne refused to come too and stopped speaking to me. And trust me, at the time, it was a REALLY important event.
So I, uh, yeah. As much as I have explained this, I just keep being told that I have a faulty viewpoint, because those two people are upset so I must have done something wrong.
Well, that's fine. But I'm upset too. So how do you figure that one?
PS: I am not a good faker - I refuse to put forth efforts that are not deserved or welcomed, which is most certainly the case in this position. I'm talking to a brick wall.
PPS: My big problem now is that, we still plan on going to that City for Christmas. We are going to visit my Grandparents. My grandparents have no bloody clue what has gone on. - but I still want to see them, obviously. Me arriving at their place on the 24th, will definitely get a "see you tomorrow?" -- and I'll have to say "No". If I say "No" or "Maybe", they'll know something is wrong - but it is probably not my place to tell my Dad's parents what he is doing to me.
I am also thinking of baking a bunch of cookies and putting them in a tin with plain cards for each family member - just "merry christmas, love bestintentions". Simple and good gesture? Does it seem mean? Any bad way to take that?
I do want to make a small effort. I don't have the time to stay there for a week, or even more than a day, really.
It seems pretty bizarre to me that you aren't willing to say 'congratulations on your baby girl' considering what is at stake. Also elements of your story make me think that maybe your connection issues with this other family aren't as minor as you are making out/think.
Regardless of this, your problem is intereference from the step family weakening your relationship with your father. The only solution that has any chance of working is eating humble pie and submitting to what Anne and her family think is the correct way for you to act.
The question is, are you willing to do that?
See this is a warning siren to me. What you consider 'faking' I'm guessing is to most people just common courtesy. I can tell you all of the people in our extended family who my mum dislikes, yet she will still do the facebook best wishes or whatever. And about the sister's boyfriend thing? If you invite someone to some sort of meal, you generally can't exclude SOs unless its a gender specific event or something.
https://medium.com/@alascii
By submitting, as Robos said earlier, it would mean admitting that I have been the bad guy - and I do not think that is the truth. I think there is just a big misunderstanding here.
I have even said to my Dad, "Can we wipe the slate clean, and start over? Since apparently there are a lot of miscommunications going on, and people are hurt - and that includes me."
I was told no.
If I submit, down the road, they will just keep saying that I'm at fault - they slash my face with a knife, I get blood on their shirt, and I'M the bad guy.
I am willing to consider it - but I don't even know what to do, since I was told not to do anything. I asked to write letters to each person, as well. Should I maybe just DO that WITHOUT permission?
Yes you will continually be told you are at fault. Yes they will continue to be the massive dicks they appear to be.
The thing as, they don't want to be your friend. They want you to tick all the necessary boxes and fulfill the various niceties a family member is supposed to. So maybe Blue doesn't like you, but he still wants a present and doesn't understand why he should have to see you to get it. I'm not saying that this is okay, but it's shit you will have to put up with. As you are new to the whole extended family thing I can see why you would think that proper friendships are how this is meant to work. But the fact is heaps of people don't really like their extended family at all. You just have to play nice with them because that is the price paid for keeping the family together at all. EDIT: and in your case it's going to be much worse because they have all the power, and none of the years of history to encourage them to be nice to you.
So instead of thinking of these people as friends, you should view it more as a business relationship. If you want to stay in the company (your father) you have to be cordial with your colleagues. Writing a letter to each person is something you would do with your friends, and these people aren't your friends.
So yeah, stop thinking about these people in terms of a proper emotional connection and just think about them as douches you need to keep happy to be with your father.
https://medium.com/@alascii
You don't have to say "Congrats on the baby girl" I think. It's not going to switch things around and you've already said "Congrats" on her being pregnant. Do you have to congrat her every time something happens? "Ooh, the baby kicked!" "CONGRATS!" ? No. Your step-family hasn't attempted to reach you and connect with you or come to important events in your life but you're expected to do the same? I wouldn't do that as it is extremely unfair to you.
Also, and I don't meant to be offensive or jump to conclusions so I'll spoiler it
If your father can't get on the phone to talk to his daughter about why he's suddenly flipped out, then I wouldn't find him worth talking to. You seem to have done tons to connect to this family. Blue should've spoken up as to him not meeting you to get his gift instead of just laying it on you. Anne shouldn't have told you that stuff between her and your dad (though as I am a spiteful person, I would tell him she said that if it turned out she was trying to drive a wedge between your father and you).
See your grandparents and maybe they have some knowledge you don't that could help. I'd hold off on talking to your dad till the new year.
And yes, your first statement is correct.
I don't know that it's right to tell my grandparents any of this. I don't want them to see the family any differently.
Also, Dodge: that's incredibly depressing, to think of a family as a business relationship. As I was an only child and always wanted a big family, thinking they were all best friends and the idea of having a best friend as a mom was definitely appealing. And hell, Anne and I were best buds for a long time - but she'd ditch me in a moment if one of her kids were upset at me.
I don't believe in being a fake insincere person for the sake of relationships, either. Maybe it's because I've never had a family that I never thought this was a good idea - maybe it really is a HUGE part of a family and I'm just unaware. I can't say "Oh, Elizabeth! What a BEAUTIFUL baby! I'm so happy for you." once she has the kid, because for one, I don't like babies, and for two, she is immature and has poor priorities, so I'd be more scared for the kid than anything else. The most I could honestly say would be "Hey, good job on the giving birth. I hear that's tough!"
I know that's referred to as "emotional intelligence" - but I'll leave that for the workplace, not for people who are supposed to love me unconditionally, as I have them. Even if I think they are somewhat stupid about things, and I dislike one of them as a person.
Also, Mim, I have wondered - they are all partially Catholic (as far as I can tell ... there are "God" things written in places and they had a Catholic wedding) ... and I'm an Atheist. I don't know if that'd ever have any play in anything, but who knows.
These matters are not about right and wrong, or fact and fiction. Unless there are serious issues of abuse, neglect, etc., these things are almost always about perspective and perception - you doing something mean or unforgivable to someone else and not realizing it, and vice versa. Until everyone involved is willing to go to a place where they forgive and move on, there's really not a whole lot you can do. You need to ask yourself if you're willing to put in the time and emotional toil it's going to take to maintain these relationships until things can move forward. It's not something that you can force on other people. The only other real option is to just start cutting them off (suddenly and overtly or by "drifting away") until you no longer have any real, meaningful relationships with these people. It sounds bad, but the truth is that families don't always keep in touch and stay together. Social bonds require time and effort, and if people aren't willing to put it in then those relationships disappear.
I have friends - good friends - who will go for a year or so without talking to me (or I them) and then we start chatting again one day and nothing has changed. Why would it? We're the same people, we're just busy.
I guess there's no good way for me to say "No, I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not in order to keep these people happy" and keep my Dad, huh?
In my family, most of us are pretty cool and chill, and anyone who is NOT, we just don't associate with. Don't like it? Tough titties. THEY can make the effort to be nice if they want to include me in the family. The onus is on them, not you.
However, this is really the nuclear option and I know it's not easy for anybody. Definitely talk to the mediator beforehand to make sure they are actually a professional and not "your dad's friend." Also on the money issue (since you will prolly have to rent your own cabin and pay travel fees), your father might actually be hoping that you can't oblige him because you don't have very much, and then he can go back and say everything was your fault. From what I have read, I wouldn't put it past him.
Also, HELL YES let your grandparents know something is up, if only by saying, "no, I won't see you tomorrow. Ask dad about it." Sounds like they are on your side and can talk some sense into him!
Well, yes, actually. Most of us grow out of it though. Obviously your stepsiblings have not.
Don't try to play this game though. They have decades of experience with it and you do not.
What you can do is stop being so passive. Stop playing this game at all.
Don't go to see them. Stop apologizing. Forget this cabin/facilitator bullshit.
There are two separate things going on here. Your relationship with your father and your relationship with his wife and her family.
Your dad says he "wants to keep things to text." Okay then. That's all he's gonna get. If he can't get past what his wife's children think about you then he doesn't get to see you at all. I know that's not what you want. I sincerely hope that isn't what he wants either. Because it may the only leverage you have.
Your dad says your stepfamily complains that you don't respect them. They're projecting. Because they obviously don't respect you. If I were you I would throw that right back at them.
They won't even talk to you directly! This is all third party passive-aggressiveness. They are using your father to hurt you and that is a bullshit move.
You're an adult and you have your own life. If nothing you can do is going to please them then they are not worth worrying about.
Go see your grandparents, and if they ask, just tell them you had to make other plans for Christmas day. Yeah, they're probably going to suspect something is wrong. And if they don't hear it from you they are likely to hear it from the other side the next day. But you run that risk whether you go see them or not.
I would be tempted to give the grandparents a concise summary of the situation myself, just so they know what they're walking into. But only if I could do it without getting too emotional and without badmouthing anybody. Because you sound like you want to keep your grandparents out of it, and if you make it seem like a big deal (even though for you maybe it is) they're going to want to get involved.
This post may be a bit reactionary because this situation made me mad. No family should ever treat one of their own like this.
See, the only reason I want you to tell your grandparents is because they'll hear it from you and understand your confusion if you explain things properly. If you don't tell them and they get the sense something is wrong (and they will), they'll ask your dad and his wife and her kids and it'll be a chance for them to bad mouth you. Then you no longer have a safe place or family to call your own because of these brats.
And yeah, I'm definitely mad for you too.
If they say, "See you tomorrow?" Say, "No, I was told I wasn't welcome."
And I really appreciate that you all seem to be taking on the "angel" and the "devil" on my shoulders - I (hopefully clearly) didn't come in here expecting to be told only the things that make me not have to do anything. I appreciate the viewpoints of folks saying "suck it up and be the perfect family member they want, even if it's hard." I also appreciate (because it makes me feel like I'm not so terrible) the "they're not worth it"s.
Aurora - Your post made me tear up. Granted, I'm overly emotional, but you pretty much said everything I've been feeling about this.
Re: grandparents - i can't say "i had to make other plans" because it sounds like I just decided at the last moment not to go. I figure all I can say is that "i've been told that it won't work for the family this year - but I'm here to see you, and i'm really happy to see you - so how have things been?" so it isn't dwelled upon. (haha, Ringo, totally agree with you, as you can see..)
This is particularly difficult for me because I grew up with an emotionally and verbally abusive (and sometimes physically abusive) mother whom I left when I was 14. I already have a lot of trust and abandonment issues, so my Dad is all I really have left -- and this terrifies me. And my Dad KNOWS what I've gone through, so it's even more of a mystery why he's treating me like this. Or maybe he feels due to the way I was treated before, that I suddenly NEED this huge load of family guilt?
It makes it more difficult for me to figure out what my OWN thoughts are -- should I feel like running away because this is what has worked in the past? Or should I bend to every whim because I'm family-fearing and need to just crack?
Because this whole talk about a "facilitator" and going out to some cabin sounds..disturbing
Alright, but still this talk of a "Facilitator" instead of a a therapist or a counselor makes me unsettled.
1) You value your relationship with your dad more than you mind having to kiss these people's asses. So, you kiss some ass. I would show up for the "facilitator" thing, but just be ready to walk away from it if it turns out to be total bullshit (there is a high possibility of that). Try to stay in touch with the stepfamily, do nice things for them or whatever (it's not like posting on someone's Facebook wall every once in awhile really takes a lot of effort).
2) You really don't have the patience to put up with having anything to do with these people. If this is the case, you write your dad an e-mail along the lines of "listen, it's not you, it's them, but I just don't want all this fucking bullshit drama; look me up again if you ever get divorced," and try and maintain a relationship with your grandparents (but know that it's not likely to happen).
3) The "third way" if you will; this is pretty likely to end up with the same results as option 2, but there's an offhand chance it will work: You write your dad an e-mail explaining to him that you really don't consider his wife and stepchildren your family, that you feel like they treat you like shit and have no interest in having anything at all to do with them, but that you understand that they make him happy, and that you want him to be happy, so you would like to maintain a relationship with him without having anything at all to do with them. It means not coming over for Christmas or Thanksgiving, but maybe coming out over a weekend to see him a couple times a year, going out for dinner or to hang out or whatever.
Like I said, I would really expect option 3 to have exactly the same effect as option 2, but you can probably pat yourself on your back and tell yourself you're being the bigger person.
Also, really, really don't try to drag your grandparents into the family drama, there, or force them to take sides. That's a total dickhead move.
as for the other stuff - dropping notes on FB, emailing, inviting folks over - it's a bunch of stuff i used to do and typically got ignored. Anne & I used to email quite a bit, until her and my dad would have a fight or one of her kids were angry at me or whatever.
this is where i'm unclear - i don't even know what's being asked of me. the clearest thing i've heard is "dont do these things that you did", even though they were completely justifiable. i have no clue where my dad thinks i'm "manipulating" him, and even when i ask, i get no answer. I write a clear and precise, friendly, non-offensive (no name calling or accusations) email, and am met with a "you need counseling" type email.
i value the hell out of my relationship with my dad, but i'm looking for answers and getting nothing. i think a facilitator is necessary on his behalf because he doesn't know how to answer my questions as to WHY i'm in the wrong. HOW have i manipulated him. WHY does he think i not value him?
hell, back in february, my SO & I were sneaky as hell and set up a great birthday for him. we talked to Anne, and got her to take him to the ferry to come see us - and took him to do something he'd ALWAYS wanted to do. took him to that, took him for dinner, showed him the city, took him hiking with us. great quality time. and then he left and we never really heard anything.
it was right after that period (like, a week or 2 later) that my dad called me and told me "Anne said to call all of you and let you know that we are going to get a divorce."
I told him i was sorry to hear that, that i hoped he was okay. He didn't want to talk about it, just said it was civil. The next day, I sent him an email saying if he ever needed help, or a place to stay, that our place was his - and if he wanted to hang out, I would, any time. I asked if he was going to live there for a while, and that i hoped it wasn't too awkward if that was the case - asked if he needed help finding a place to stay.
In my email recently, i asked if this was what he thought was me "driving a wedge" between them. My dad never responded to that email until a month or so later. He never said that he wanted to hang out or anything. I didn't even know that they had decided NOT to divorce afterall until less than a month ago.
I have a feeling this also is a big part of the puzzle, because this is when my dad's attitude started changing. And his first email states that "now i know that i need to work to make all of my relationships work: my marriage, my life, my family"
PS: Yes, I know, Thanatos - thank you, I am taking all pieces into consideration. I'd never let any ONE person make a decision like this for me - I am just thankful for all of the comments helping my sort through items. Some things have been said that I hadn't thought of.
Honesty usually works best in many family situations.
but they're listening to every word I say
Sounds from this like your stepmom and her family be crazy and are manipulating your dad.
Unfortunately for you people tend to do what their SO wants regardless of other family obligations.
I am sure he is confused and trying to make sense of things, and in order to preserve his marriage he is doing whatever he can. She is probably using these "things you did" against him in their marital arguments, and so he is shunning you in an attempt to fix it.
I think the cookie plate sounds like a good idea. Just send that with a generic Christmas card with nothing on it.
but they're listening to every word I say
Someday he might decide that he wants a real, honest relationship with you, and hopefully at that point you'll still want it too. It may never happen, and I'm willing to bet that would hurt considerably, but I'm also willing to bet that so does not only bending over backwards to kiss ass you know is going to crap on you as soon as you do, but also being expected to as a minimum requirement for a "hello" from a father who says he loves you. Especially so when you aren't allowed to ask for a shred of decency or consideration in return.
To me, this sort of "family" dynamic has always seemed toxic at best and emotionally abusive at worst. I watched my mother go through it with her family (and there wasn't even a step-family involved there), and I decided at a very young age that I was never going to be willing to put up with this from family. I have very limited communication with any of my family, and you know, I'm really not social anyway, so this suits me just fine.
I'm also with everyone who says that you shouldn't hide why you won't be there, but you also should absolutely not try to stir anything up with them, either. It sounds like you have a loving relationship with your grandparents - that's what worthwhile family should be like. While you're there, you can help your grandmother set up that email account yourself. I would take joy in that relationship, enjoy your holiday with them, and if all your dad wants is a series of terse emails from you, that's all I'd give him.
and then suddenly it's more like
And i'm sorry but, uh, what the hell? one day you're his buddy, the next you're toilet paper ? And what with his totally creepy plan with a "facilitator" ? what the fuck is that anyway? some kind of counseling bullshit where you go because you don't even have the cojones to speak for yourself ? ugh!
Maybe one day, he and you will talk again. But certainly not on HIS terms. If he wants to talk to you, he just have to take the phone, end of story.
Yeah, this is definitely weird. It sounds like your dad's new family is poisoning him against you.
Pro-tip for the future if you are invited to any more weddings. Many people consider it EXCEPTIONALLY rude to leave the reception before desert. It actually sounds as though you left before dinner, seeing as how you grabbed some with your friends.
You should probably apologize to Elizabeth for that if going forward you desire to have any sort of relationship with this family.
Because seriously, if you put 'oh and also there was this three months i went to rehab' in any one of bestintentions posts, the rest of it makes sense.
If that's not the case, it's very likely the perception, because her dad is painting by the numbers here, and this particular portrait is about lifestyle choices and passive enablement. Because its lifestyle related, bestintentions doesn't see it as inherently negative, but her alt/family does, hence all the negotiation/ limited contact and exposure, text only, etc.
Everything else is just a symptom of this root-cause ideological/lifestyle difference. So what is it?