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Lost and Confused (relationship thread ahoy!)
not_that_otherguy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hello Help and Advice,
I'm glad you are here because I need both, and I feel more comfortable using an alt.
Sorry for the long post.
I have been with my girlfriend 10 years. I know that it is a long time, so we are basically married in everyway but the piece of paper.
We have certainly had our issues, but up until recently I thought we were doing okay.
We are both in our 30s.
I have been stressed at work, and consequently not paying as much attention to her as I should.
She also accuses me of being unhappy all the time, which is not always true, but I am sometimes. I can really get depressed sometimes.
Our love life has been suffering for a while now, which I truly feel is from both sides.
We just recently bought a house (1 yr ago) jointly. Our names are on the title and mortgage.
Soo... background out of the way:
During our holiday break (we work at seperate universities) I started to notice that she was texting and talking on the phone
to a new guy friend from work quite a bit.
It initially did not bother me, until we were supposed to go to a holiday party on evening.
I guess she didn't want to go to the party, but she asked if I minded her running out to do some shopping with Mr. X.
No problem, I've got an open mind, and I'm comfortable with it.
She is still out when I have to leave, so I end up going with a couple of friends.
I'm upset, but I bring it up to her about how it hurt my feelings and how we had plans.
She gets upset at me for being jealous, but apologizes. I accept it and try to move on.
During the next two weeks she continues to text and talk, 20-30 minutes at a time, and sometimes will go be in the back bedroom during this.
It is with the same guy.
I say something again, and we have a long talk that ends up with she doesn't know what she wants, and may want some time to find out.
So now, we are on a "break", and I think it is over. It seems like she is avoiding me, and doesn't want to talk.
She assures me that nothing happened while we were together.
It is starting to feel like it is truly over. I thought I could give it some time and talk about things, but she seems to want none of it.
Help!
couple of questions,
Was it wrong of me to say something about the friendship w/ guy?
How do I start to move on, or get over this?
What do we do about the house?
Is it wrong of me to want her to leave so we don't have to live together, and I don't have to see her dating? What would I give as a deadline?
Feel free to ask me anything I missed, and I will do my best to honestly answer.
I'm glad you are here because I need both, and I feel more comfortable using an alt.
Sorry for the long post.
I have been with my girlfriend 10 years. I know that it is a long time, so we are basically married in everyway but the piece of paper.
We have certainly had our issues, but up until recently I thought we were doing okay.
We are both in our 30s.
I have been stressed at work, and consequently not paying as much attention to her as I should.
She also accuses me of being unhappy all the time, which is not always true, but I am sometimes. I can really get depressed sometimes.
Our love life has been suffering for a while now, which I truly feel is from both sides.
We just recently bought a house (1 yr ago) jointly. Our names are on the title and mortgage.
Soo... background out of the way:
During our holiday break (we work at seperate universities) I started to notice that she was texting and talking on the phone
to a new guy friend from work quite a bit.
It initially did not bother me, until we were supposed to go to a holiday party on evening.
I guess she didn't want to go to the party, but she asked if I minded her running out to do some shopping with Mr. X.
No problem, I've got an open mind, and I'm comfortable with it.
She is still out when I have to leave, so I end up going with a couple of friends.
I'm upset, but I bring it up to her about how it hurt my feelings and how we had plans.
She gets upset at me for being jealous, but apologizes. I accept it and try to move on.
During the next two weeks she continues to text and talk, 20-30 minutes at a time, and sometimes will go be in the back bedroom during this.
It is with the same guy.
I say something again, and we have a long talk that ends up with she doesn't know what she wants, and may want some time to find out.
So now, we are on a "break", and I think it is over. It seems like she is avoiding me, and doesn't want to talk.
She assures me that nothing happened while we were together.
It is starting to feel like it is truly over. I thought I could give it some time and talk about things, but she seems to want none of it.
Help!
couple of questions,
Was it wrong of me to say something about the friendship w/ guy?
How do I start to move on, or get over this?
What do we do about the house?
Is it wrong of me to want her to leave so we don't have to live together, and I don't have to see her dating? What would I give as a deadline?
Feel free to ask me anything I missed, and I will do my best to honestly answer.
not_that_otherguy on
0
This discussion has been closed.
Posts
Do you want to salvage this? Do you care? (looks like no to the first count, yes to the second)
You're now effectively roommates. Get rid of the house ASAP, or arrange for one to live in it and pay the other some sort of rent. Make sure there's a written contract.
This will likely not end well, and most likely you will lose money on the house. Just do what you have to separate quickly and get out of there.
No, it wasn't wrong to say something about her friendship with the guy. I would be really uncomfortable if my SO was texting/talking to another woman for long periods of time a day. It's okay to have friends of the opposite sex, but when you feel it crosses a line (and it obviously has), then it's okay to tell your SO how you feel. It seemed like, at the very least, she was harboring feelings for this other man, and trying to be around him more, and talk to him more, which in my opinion is emotionally cheating, which is not okay.
To really move on from a break up, you have to cut all contact. It sucks, but it will make everything easier and faster to get over in the long run. And it's definitely okay to ask her to leave. Sure the house is in both your names (I don't know how you'd fix that, someone else here might though), but she broke up with you, and she should find another place to stay, especially if she'll be dating other people. If this really IS just a "break", do a trial separation. Ask for absolutely NO contact for 3 months, or whatever. If the 3 months are up and she wants/doesn't want to be with you, then there you go. Though, I don't recommend that, as false hope really sucks and would just slow down the healing process of a break up, but that's just my opinion.
Good luck, man. I hope everything gets sorted out.
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You didn't do anything wrong, but you could if you don't follow the fine advice given for free by schuss.
Buena suerte.
As for advice - get a lawyer (your OWN lawyer that will represent YOU during this) to discuss the legalities surrounding the house. You may give a lawyer what you consider a large amount of money to handle an issue such as this, but it is nowhere NEAR the total potential, lasting, financial loss you could incur during a situation such as this.
Good luck and keep on keepin' on.
If not, then you're going to need to get a lawyer and begin to divide assests.
I see the thread is taking the normal H/A turn of "that cheating whore", but things like
And
Really make it sound like you're both at fault.
This isn't something that is fixed with a romantic weekend get away. You need some form of counseling and a change to both of your approaches and expectations of each other.
Totally agree, I had a hand in things getting to this point no doubt. I asked about counseling and she was very non-committal maybe about it.
One thing that is really bothering me is all of the resentment that is coming now. Like I seriously had no idea about things like us moving in together too quick (9 years ago) and other stuff.
All the while "Well I don't want to do anything to hurt you etc..."
There are those things that you know are bothering them, but man... some of this would've been nice to know years ago. (Like maybe before we bought a flipping house together.) And I really thought we talked pretty openly.
It looks like I will at lease have to refinance to get her off the mortgage (and re-qualify), and the title stuff.
Will say again, having a lawyer simply as a sounding board during a time like this is pretty important when you're dealing with a piece of property, unless she's just ready to cut it and run. Still best to be able to say things like "under advice from my lawyer" or "I will need to run that by my lawyer" is actually pretty important and subtly powerful. Please don't ask me how I know this.
Their relationship has progressed, and will probably continue to do so. The best thing for you is probably to extricate yourself, and get one of those lawyers people here are talking about, because if you don't she will. You can and should try to keep everything fair (in my opinion), but don't get taken.
I don't know if she cheated. She told me no, so I'm rolling with that. Easier for me anyways.
I do like the point that alyce & schuss said about emotional cheating. That pretty much sums up how it feels. I may not have given her all the things she needed, but at least I wasn't giving them to someone else.
I think I'm going to make an appt. with somebody for myself. (therapist like) but I can't force her to go. I suggested it, and she said maybe.
Sounds like I need to lawyer-up
Get away
And start moving on.
If any of y'all end up in oklahoma I'd be happy to buy you a drink. Thanks for the advice.
It feels good to just sound off to someone.
This is really key, here. If she was cheating BUT still cared about the relationship or your feelings, she would at least do this on the sly. As it is, she's texting and talking to some other guy right in front of your face.
The time that she's spending talking to this other person could be spent talking to you, spending time with you, but instead she's putting her energy into this other relationship. It might still be just friends at this point, and people do have friends of the opposite gender, but does she do this with any of her other, older friends? Or is she pretty focused on this one individual?
But it sounds like you're on the right path to figuring out what you want to do next.
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Otherwise in the meantime, start figuring out what you're going to do about the house and talk to a lawyer. I would also just go to a therapist on your own if couples therapy is a no go, as having a neutral party to talk to about this stuff always helps.
Difficulty now is deciding what YOU want. Cliche, sure, but crucial. If you want to continue with her, tell her that this has indeed hurt you and that you are not entirely sure how to feel or why it happened, etc... But be firm in saying that this can't go on like such. If she dips off the radar, then she has made that decision. She's an idiot, however, if she thinks that a few text messages with some dick from work is a portal to a new, exciting, or healthy relationship. Sad as it is, she is going to realize at some point all that you've done with and for her. Also, co-signing a house prob doesn't help either of you and you should talk to a lawyer inre: how to get the house in just your name if at all possible. Unfortunately, your financial well-being is now in jeopardy as well as your emotional well being. Feelings/Emotions heal, eventually. Finances can stay with you. Be proactive about that.
Good luck! Way to be a stand up guy about this all. I have always been of the opinion that if a girl is going to stray, then I wouldn't want her anyway. She deserves a little credit (but just a LITTLE) for finally telling you about it instead of just peacing out--but make it crystal clear to her that the balls in her MoFuckin' court.
Her and him were going to go get a drink. They acted surprised to see me. Nothing was happening but still. She started to say it wasn't like that but still. Told her to have fun and left.
After hanging out with my folks came home and she isn't here. But her car is ...
I'm guessing that's a pretty big sign. Thanks all. You can lock this ish up.
Good luck to you, and try and keep busy. It'll help.
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