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Lost and Confused (relationship thread ahoy!)

not_that_otherguynot_that_otherguy Registered User regular
edited January 2011 in Help / Advice Forum
Hello Help and Advice,
I'm glad you are here because I need both, and I feel more comfortable using an alt.

Sorry for the long post.

I have been with my girlfriend 10 years. I know that it is a long time, so we are basically married in everyway but the piece of paper.
We have certainly had our issues, but up until recently I thought we were doing okay.

We are both in our 30s.

I have been stressed at work, and consequently not paying as much attention to her as I should.
She also accuses me of being unhappy all the time, which is not always true, but I am sometimes. I can really get depressed sometimes.

Our love life has been suffering for a while now, which I truly feel is from both sides.

We just recently bought a house (1 yr ago) jointly. Our names are on the title and mortgage.

Soo... background out of the way:

During our holiday break (we work at seperate universities) I started to notice that she was texting and talking on the phone
to a new guy friend from work quite a bit.

It initially did not bother me, until we were supposed to go to a holiday party on evening.
I guess she didn't want to go to the party, but she asked if I minded her running out to do some shopping with Mr. X.
No problem, I've got an open mind, and I'm comfortable with it.

She is still out when I have to leave, so I end up going with a couple of friends.

I'm upset, but I bring it up to her about how it hurt my feelings and how we had plans.

She gets upset at me for being jealous, but apologizes. I accept it and try to move on.

During the next two weeks she continues to text and talk, 20-30 minutes at a time, and sometimes will go be in the back bedroom during this.
It is with the same guy.

I say something again, and we have a long talk that ends up with she doesn't know what she wants, and may want some time to find out.

So now, we are on a "break", and I think it is over. It seems like she is avoiding me, and doesn't want to talk.
She assures me that nothing happened while we were together.
It is starting to feel like it is truly over. I thought I could give it some time and talk about things, but she seems to want none of it.

Help!
couple of questions,
Was it wrong of me to say something about the friendship w/ guy?
How do I start to move on, or get over this?
What do we do about the house?
Is it wrong of me to want her to leave so we don't have to live together, and I don't have to see her dating? What would I give as a deadline?

Feel free to ask me anything I missed, and I will do my best to honestly answer.

not_that_otherguy on

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    schussschuss Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Honest opinion? She's cheating on you, at least emotionally if not physically.

    Do you want to salvage this? Do you care? (looks like no to the first count, yes to the second)

    You're now effectively roommates. Get rid of the house ASAP, or arrange for one to live in it and pay the other some sort of rent. Make sure there's a written contract.

    This will likely not end well, and most likely you will lose money on the house. Just do what you have to separate quickly and get out of there.

    schuss on
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    AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Wow, man, that sucks and I'm sorry things are hard at the moment. To me, personally, a "break" is the same damn thing as a break up, and I'd treat it as one.

    No, it wasn't wrong to say something about her friendship with the guy. I would be really uncomfortable if my SO was texting/talking to another woman for long periods of time a day. It's okay to have friends of the opposite sex, but when you feel it crosses a line (and it obviously has), then it's okay to tell your SO how you feel. It seemed like, at the very least, she was harboring feelings for this other man, and trying to be around him more, and talk to him more, which in my opinion is emotionally cheating, which is not okay.

    To really move on from a break up, you have to cut all contact. It sucks, but it will make everything easier and faster to get over in the long run. And it's definitely okay to ask her to leave. Sure the house is in both your names (I don't know how you'd fix that, someone else here might though), but she broke up with you, and she should find another place to stay, especially if she'll be dating other people. If this really IS just a "break", do a trial separation. Ask for absolutely NO contact for 3 months, or whatever. If the 3 months are up and she wants/doesn't want to be with you, then there you go. Though, I don't recommend that, as false hope really sucks and would just slow down the healing process of a break up, but that's just my opinion.

    Good luck, man. I hope everything gets sorted out.

    AlyceInWonderland on
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    DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Shitty situation. No, you were not in the wrong by bringing up her relationship with her new guy coworker. I would be raising some questions if my girlfriend was going into the bedroom to frequently talk to some dude I've never met. About moving on, I echo the advice given above. As for the house.. well that can be a little tricky. Talk to her about the house and what her plans are for it, and if they don't line up with what you expect out of it, I'd maybe consult a lawyer (generally you can ask a lawyer some questions for free) to see what your options are.

    Demerdar on
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    NeadenNeaden Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    You really need to talk to a lawyer, after being together for 10 years and owning a house together depending on where you live this might essentially be a divorce with possible alimony/splitting of resources.

    Neaden on
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    FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Settle any financial issues, prepare mentally to forget this cheater.

    You didn't do anything wrong, but you could if you don't follow the fine advice given for free by schuss.

    Buena suerte.

    Fantasma on
    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
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    harry.timbershaftharry.timbershaft Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Yeah, relationships are tough and people suck. I feel for you.

    As for advice - get a lawyer (your OWN lawyer that will represent YOU during this) to discuss the legalities surrounding the house. You may give a lawyer what you consider a large amount of money to handle an issue such as this, but it is nowhere NEAR the total potential, lasting, financial loss you could incur during a situation such as this.

    Good luck and keep on keepin' on.

    harry.timbershaft on
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    FellhandFellhand Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I'd recommend some couples counseling if you two want to try to stay together.
    If not, then you're going to need to get a lawyer and begin to divide assests.

    I see the thread is taking the normal H/A turn of "that cheating whore", but things like
    I have been stressed at work, and consequently not paying as much attention to her as I should.
    She also accuses me of being unhappy all the time, which is not always true, but I am sometimes. I can really get depressed sometimes.

    And
    Our love life has been suffering for a while now, which I truly feel is from both sides.

    Really make it sound like you're both at fault.

    This isn't something that is fixed with a romantic weekend get away. You need some form of counseling and a change to both of your approaches and expectations of each other.

    Fellhand on
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    not_that_otherguynot_that_otherguy Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Fellhand wrote: »
    Really make it sound like you're both at fault.

    This isn't something that is fixed with a romantic weekend get away. You need some form of counseling and a change to both of your approaches and expectations of each other.

    Totally agree, I had a hand in things getting to this point no doubt. I asked about counseling and she was very non-committal maybe about it.

    One thing that is really bothering me is all of the resentment that is coming now. Like I seriously had no idea about things like us moving in together too quick (9 years ago) and other stuff.

    All the while "Well I don't want to do anything to hurt you etc..."

    There are those things that you know are bothering them, but man... some of this would've been nice to know years ago. (Like maybe before we bought a flipping house together.) And I really thought we talked pretty openly.

    It looks like I will at lease have to refinance to get her off the mortgage (and re-qualify), and the title stuff.

    not_that_otherguy on
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    FellhandFellhand Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    One thing I was thinking about was that if you bought the house last year for the $8,000 tax credit you will definitly want to check and find out what you need to do to not lose that.

    Fellhand on
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    harry.timbershaftharry.timbershaft Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Sounds like you two have some pretty major communication issues and she has a little bit of the whole "I don't want to hurt you but I really don't want to be with you abloo bloo bloo" thing going on. This seems like all pretty standard stuff during a situation like this. Man this feels like a punch in the gut right now, I know it does, but things will get better. Life goes on. The sun will rise tomorrow.

    Will say again, having a lawyer simply as a sounding board during a time like this is pretty important when you're dealing with a piece of property, unless she's just ready to cut it and run. Still best to be able to say things like "under advice from my lawyer" or "I will need to run that by my lawyer" is actually pretty important and subtly powerful. Please don't ask me how I know this. :)

    harry.timbershaft on
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    DisrupterDisrupter Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Do we know she cheated? There could be a lot going on here with her. SHe may be in a rut and this new dude makes her feel like she did 8 years ago. Im no expert but I wouldn't say the relationship is doomed. Conseling seems like the best option here.

    Disrupter on
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited January 2011
    You were not comfortable with her growing relationship with him, and you opened a line of communication about it. There's nothing wrong with that. It kind of sounds like she shut you down by calling you jealous though, which isn't so great. If she can't talk to you about something that's going on in her life when approached honestly, you really don't have anything to apologize for.

    Their relationship has progressed, and will probably continue to do so. The best thing for you is probably to extricate yourself, and get one of those lawyers people here are talking about, because if you don't she will. You can and should try to keep everything fair (in my opinion), but don't get taken.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    not_that_otherguynot_that_otherguy Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Disrupter wrote: »
    Do we know she cheated? There could be a lot going on here with her. SHe may be in a rut and this new dude makes her feel like she did 8 years ago. Im no expert but I wouldn't say the relationship is doomed. Conseling seems like the best option here.

    I don't know if she cheated. She told me no, so I'm rolling with that. Easier for me anyways.

    I do like the point that alyce & schuss said about emotional cheating. That pretty much sums up how it feels. I may not have given her all the things she needed, but at least I wasn't giving them to someone else.

    I think I'm going to make an appt. with somebody for myself. (therapist like) but I can't force her to go. I suggested it, and she said maybe.

    Sounds like I need to lawyer-up
    Get away
    And start moving on.

    If any of y'all end up in oklahoma I'd be happy to buy you a drink. Thanks for the advice.
    It feels good to just sound off to someone.

    not_that_otherguy on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I do like the point that alyce & schuss said about emotional cheating. That pretty much sums up how it feels. I may not have given her all the things she needed, but at least I wasn't giving them to someone else.

    This is really key, here. If she was cheating BUT still cared about the relationship or your feelings, she would at least do this on the sly. As it is, she's texting and talking to some other guy right in front of your face.

    The time that she's spending talking to this other person could be spent talking to you, spending time with you, but instead she's putting her energy into this other relationship. It might still be just friends at this point, and people do have friends of the opposite gender, but does she do this with any of her other, older friends? Or is she pretty focused on this one individual?

    But it sounds like you're on the right path to figuring out what you want to do next.

    EggyToast on
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    schussschuss Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Well, do you still want her in your life? It isn't too late if you're willing to really try, just make sure it's what you want to do and that the reason you two were still together wasn't just inertia.

    schuss on
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    ElinElin Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Going off of your description I would say it's done at this point. Right now the best thing you can do for yourself is to end it with your dignity intact. Definitely get a lawyer to find out how to best divide your joint assets. Double check about your states common law marriage laws, that could complicate matters. A lawyer would help with this as well.

    Elin on
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    Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    I mean..if you want to salvage the relationship, I would tell her you want to try and save this, make an appt. for a therapist, and ask her to be there with you. And it could go either way, you may very quickly realize you're done with the relationship too. At any rate, it shows you're proactively trying something, and if she weasels out of going, you have a pretty solid answer for where she stands on things.

    Otherwise in the meantime, start figuring out what you're going to do about the house and talk to a lawyer. I would also just go to a therapist on your own if couples therapy is a no go, as having a neutral party to talk to about this stuff always helps.

    Dark_Side on
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    WeAre138WeAre138 Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    You sound like a throughly reasonable guy my friend. I am sorry about all of the trouble. She is seeing grass as greener on the other side; its not. Recently, I began a strange clandestine relationship with a girl who left a BF during our...co-mingling. She's since changed her mind and I've reaped what I've sewn. My point is, she won't find what she is looking for from this new guy--as he hasn't a clue what sort of person she really is and you've had ten years to learn and understand and care for her. Do not feel bad about that sort of effort or energy. She simply has taken it for granted. You cared for her because of who you are, not because she did/didn't deserve it.

    Difficulty now is deciding what YOU want. Cliche, sure, but crucial. If you want to continue with her, tell her that this has indeed hurt you and that you are not entirely sure how to feel or why it happened, etc... But be firm in saying that this can't go on like such. If she dips off the radar, then she has made that decision. She's an idiot, however, if she thinks that a few text messages with some dick from work is a portal to a new, exciting, or healthy relationship. Sad as it is, she is going to realize at some point all that you've done with and for her. Also, co-signing a house prob doesn't help either of you and you should talk to a lawyer inre: how to get the house in just your name if at all possible. Unfortunately, your financial well-being is now in jeopardy as well as your emotional well being. Feelings/Emotions heal, eventually. Finances can stay with you. Be proactive about that.

    Good luck! Way to be a stand up guy about this all. I have always been of the opinion that if a girl is going to stray, then I wouldn't want her anyway. She deserves a little credit (but just a LITTLE) for finally telling you about it instead of just peacing out--but make it crystal clear to her that the balls in her MoFuckin' court.

    WeAre138 on
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    not_that_otherguynot_that_otherguy Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    Ahh. The plot thickens. Came home from work to change and go help my folks. And guess who was hanging around?

    Her and him were going to go get a drink. They acted surprised to see me. Nothing was happening but still. She started to say it wasn't like that but still. Told her to have fun and left.

    After hanging out with my folks came home and she isn't here. But her car is ...

    I'm guessing that's a pretty big sign. Thanks all. You can lock this ish up.

    not_that_otherguy on
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    AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited January 2011
    The thing is, it IS "like that." You'll eventually find someone better who won't pull that kind of shit.

    Good luck to you, and try and keep busy. It'll help.

    AlyceInWonderland on
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited January 2011
    Yeah, she doesn't seem to have a ton of respect for your feelings one way or another. Definitely talk to a lawyer to find out what, if any, hoops need jumping ASAP if you aren't going to stick around.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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