The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
I've turned into an asshole... help?
Bat Rastard
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
---Posting as a disguised alias---
So for about the last couple weeks I've noticed that I've become a bit of an asshole and it's really bothering me.
I completely tune my wife out about 95% of the time. I get really annoyed when she's talking to me about anything or asking me to do anything. Last weekend we visited her mom and I had the same reaction.
I know, an annoying wife and mother-in-law doesn't sound like a stretch.
I also don't feel like doing anything. ANYTHING at all. I've sat around like a lump at home, flipping through TV channels and finding nothing interesting. Sitting on the computer and flipping through Steam or Google searches, bored as hell, not finding anything interesting and no motivation to do anything else.
I have a decent backlog of games I could play, but right now all I can think about is how I've wasted so much time in my life playing video games when I could have been doing something worthwhile and using the money I've spent on gaming for something else I've wanted to do but always feel like I'm too broke to do. I'm 33 and the only real accomplishments I can list are that I've owned lots of gaming consoles and like to play video games.
I've stopped communication with all online friends, and realize that almost ALL of my friends are just online, and I am almost completely avoiding any interaction with real live people. I have trouble making eye contact and I always feel like if I try and talk about something I'm just going to sound stupid.
I mean, I've always been a little anti-social and cynical, but lately it's really been bothering me that I have so few real-life friends.
Anyway, I'm just really confused and feel like I'm stuck and too chickenshit to change it.
So... help?
Advice?
:?
So for about the last couple weeks I've noticed that I've become a bit of an asshole and it's really bothering me.
I completely tune my wife out about 95% of the time. I get really annoyed when she's talking to me about anything or asking me to do anything. Last weekend we visited her mom and I had the same reaction.
I know, an annoying wife and mother-in-law doesn't sound like a stretch.
I also don't feel like doing anything. ANYTHING at all. I've sat around like a lump at home, flipping through TV channels and finding nothing interesting. Sitting on the computer and flipping through Steam or Google searches, bored as hell, not finding anything interesting and no motivation to do anything else.
I have a decent backlog of games I could play, but right now all I can think about is how I've wasted so much time in my life playing video games when I could have been doing something worthwhile and using the money I've spent on gaming for something else I've wanted to do but always feel like I'm too broke to do. I'm 33 and the only real accomplishments I can list are that I've owned lots of gaming consoles and like to play video games.
I've stopped communication with all online friends, and realize that almost ALL of my friends are just online, and I am almost completely avoiding any interaction with real live people. I have trouble making eye contact and I always feel like if I try and talk about something I'm just going to sound stupid.
I mean, I've always been a little anti-social and cynical, but lately it's really been bothering me that I have so few real-life friends.
Anyway, I'm just really confused and feel like I'm stuck and too chickenshit to change it.
So... help?
Advice?
:?
Bat Rastard on
0
Posts
One easy/quick thing you can do is exercise. Get those endorphins flowing. You could just be stuck in a rut, and being a dick could just be one way of expressing your frustration.
What have you not done that you wish you had?
Replace them with some real-world hobbies, preferably some you can do outside the house. What do you like to do? Join a group of people who do that. What interests you? Find a place where it takes place and go there. What did you always want to know more about? Sign up for an adult course in it.
As for the wife, I'd recommend a vacation alone together to reconnect, to a spot you've both always wanted to go to.
If all of this is really bothering you though, I would suggest seeing a therapist. It is amazing how much better you will feel if you just open up to someone who validates and guides you.
Right now, I'm working a full time job and a part-time job to try and get out of from under a load of credit card debt. I'm not stretched thin, but I do have to watch what I spend and every time I pick up a game somewhere or my wife wants to buy something frivolous I regret it, or I resent that buying things for my wife has become something that stresses me.
A higher-paying job is pretty much not going to happen due to me fucking up in my first year of college by not going to class for most of the year and not getting a degree.
I eventually got a lucky break and got hired on with a company that paid for me to get some IT certifications so I was able to eventually snag a steady full-time job.
I really think I need to find some sort of creative outlet. I like working on cars and in the past have done some amateur photography and graphic design that I really enjoyed.
I'd love to be able to start a freelance business on the side with a potential to become my primary income while having an old car in the garage to fix up and tinker on.
So far I've lacked the motivation and capital to teach myself and practice on the photo/design skills, and the idea of going into debt along with my track record of higher learning has turned me off of seeking formal classes.
So, I return to escaping into video games, while telling myself I can't afford to do anything else.
Also, if you were reasonably content with your life before, and suddenly aren't, go for a check-up. Specifically, get your testosterone levels checked. They take a dive right around that age, and getting used to the new set of drives and interests can be a bit of a challenge.
Remember the shit deal you got in puberty? Yah its like that, but hair grows in even weirder places and instead of wanting boobies all the time you feel like building a house.
Has there been anything that changed recently in your life that would raise your stress level or might make you more angry/depressed (there certainly doesn't have to be).
What kind of camera (if any) do you have? If it's even a low-range SLR, you may be able to do simpler things like senior pictures, engagement shots, and head-shots. If none of those are your type of thing, just go take some photography of nature or something you find beautiful. If you live in a decent-sized city, there's likely a club or group that meets that doesn't cost to get into with people with similar interests. Mentors don't have to cost money like formal training does...and this isn't just for photography.
Basically, I'm saying that whatever it is that you're doing right now is making you unhappy and has "Turned you into an asshole" so something needs to change. You're obviously not okay with your life staying exactly like it is.
Depression is not necessarily a feeling of being sad, it could also be exactly what you described.
It sounds as though your financial situation is your primary stressor.
Have you discussed the financial situation with your wife at all? Do you work on the household finances together, or are you solely responsible for paying bills and such? Do you have a budget that you've both agreed to and stick with?
If the answer is "No" or "That just ends up with us in a fight," then the two of you have a problem.
One course of action that you could take is as follows:
1) Apologise to your wife. "Sweetheart, I noticed that I haven't been as kind as I want to be lately, and I'm sorry."
2) Explain the major source of your stress. "You know that we have a lot of debt, and I'm starting to feel stressed and hopeless about it. I don't think that we're going to accomplish any of our life's goals if we don't get rid of the debt."
3) Present options for fixing the problem. "I think we need to have a budget that we both have input on, and can stick to. I want your help in putting it together."
4) Appeal to her sense of togetherness. "I need your help with this. I can't do it alone" (if applicable)
Once you have her agreement to work with you on this, you put together a budget.
The first step is to figure out what your regular monthly expenses are: rent, insurance, utilities, minimum payments on loans and credit cards, phone, internet, cable, subscriptions (magazines, newspapers, netflix, gamefly). Do your monthly expenses exceed your income? if yes, can you lower or eliminate any of these expenses?
Next, prioritize your spending. This is the basic priority list:
#1 - Food
#2 - Lights and water
#3 - Housing (rent or mortgage, insurance)
#4 - Transportation (car maintenance/repair, gas, insurance)
#5 - Debts
Using cash for all or most of your purchases is an excellent way to keep from overspending.
A small bit of "fun money" could be allocated to each of you as well, depending on how deeply in debt you are.
If she's the one who does the grocery shopping and cooking, get an estimate of how much you spend on food each month (or each pay period). Figure out where the money is spent: is it at the grocery store? is it as restaurants? if it's at restaurants, can you cut down on how often you go out?
Do you have a plan for paying off your debts? One method is to list your debts (credit cards, student loans, car loans, mortgage), smallest to largest, pay minimum payments on everything except the smallest, and put every spare cent you can find into paying off the smallest. Once the smallest is paid off, you take the money you had been paying on that debt and add it to the minimum payment for the next smallest debt, and so on until all your debts are paid off.
It's very similar to the tactic of concentrating all of your player characters' attacks on the weakest member of a group of enemies first.
Just make sure that whatever budget you come up with, both you and your wife regard it as a binding contract between the two of you. It'll be a lot easier to work out of your debt if the two of you are working together. If either of you think that changes need to be made, call a budget meeting and calmly discuss them, and agree to them in advance. Don't worry if the budget is not "perfect" the first time, or if you have to have several meetings. (It took me about 6 months to work out a consistent budget, and I'm single.)
Don't worry about having no purpose to your life. For the moment, let "getting out of debt" be your purpose.
Being out of debt (and staying out of debt) will free up your money, and, believe it or not, your time and energy.
When your time, energy, and money are freed up, you will have much easier time of figuring out better employment and/or hobbies.
It sounds like what you need most is a plan, but you are spinning your wheels trying to came up with one. I hope the one I've outlined will help, or at least give you some ideas of where to start. All of the budgeting stuff is what has worked for me personally, and the relationship stuff... well... that's what I would want to hear if I were in your wife' shoes. *shrug*
Other than that... exercise is good. Try to find something that you and your wife can do together, like dancing.
Best of luck.