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So, I hit my wife...
RadicalTurnip
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Backstory of my excuse first. Please read if you have the time, as I feel (and hope) it applies.
Now, slightly more backstory that is directly relevant. In middle school I had this suspicion (before I ever heard that some companies actually do this) that chapstick and lotion were made to relieve painful lips or hands (or whatever) for a little while, but actually made them worse. So I did an experiment and stopped using Chapstick and lotion for three months. I found that after the first month or so, I could actually get by pain-free and with fairly well moisturized skin if I kept drinking enough water. So, I stopped using lotion and chapstick.
Apparently this became a big deal for me, because I don't even like the feel of lotion or chapstick anymore...and I don't like it getting on me. It's not that big of a deal, it's not like I hide from it or run screaming...but if I had the choice, I'd never touch chapstick or lotion ever again. My wife, however, uses both fairly regularly (as is common). I of course jibe her and talk about how gross it is or whatever (and she knows I don't like kissing her/holding her hand right after such an application).
We're almost 2-months married, so we're still settling in and getting used to each others quarks and oddities. So far, it's been amazing and awesome and I love spending time with her and getting to know her better...as well as learning a lot about myself.
So...my wife had been commenting on how dry my knees are for a day or two, and then one evening while I was brushing my teeth, she came up behind me and suddenly started rubbing lotion on my knees. I sort of lashed out without really thinking what I was doing. I didn't hit her hard...she didn't fall back or anything; but I hit her harder than what would be considered playful. I tried to explain to her a little, and I'm fairly certain she forgives me...
But now I'm really worried. I'm fairly certain that if I were really angry, I wouldn't use violence...but how sure can I be now? I don't really get angry...but what if I did? I mean, it wasn't a spinal reaction...I jumped a little because I was surprised about the sudden contact with my knees. But it took processing to figure out there was lotion on there...I hit because of the lotion, not because of the surprise.
I didn't realize it was that big of a deal to me until then, but apparently it is. And also, apparently, all the rough-housing with my brother has left me with a bit of a social cripple when it comes to people I'm very close to.
I'll be honest; I'm coming here mostly for comfort and/or affirmation that just because I did something like this doesn't mean I'll resort to spousal (or child, when the time comes) abuse. But I also respect the opinion of this community, and so I want to get some insight. Thanks H/A.
I grew up in a house with my brother (lets call him Randolf). At first we fought all the time, but eventually we became really close friends. Randolf is diagnosed ADHD (I know there's an over diagnosis epidemic of this...but I think he really is) and was on treatment while he was in school, but we're both our grandparent's grandsons (if that makes sense) and are cheapwads, so once he started working, he didn't want to pay for it, and so has done fine without it.
But anyway he (and I'll admit, I) will get bored easily and so we're always goofing around with each other. We're fairly physical in our play, even though I'm 25 and he's 27, we'll smack each other and poke each other and stuff like that...to a point where it's mildly painful...but neither of us really mind pain all that much...if that makes any sense whatsoever.
Anyway, so when my brother does something physically that I don't like, even when he's playing around (for whatever reason) my response is also physical, and it's sort of a method of communication (I guess) we've had for a while. It works...for us.
But anyway he (and I'll admit, I) will get bored easily and so we're always goofing around with each other. We're fairly physical in our play, even though I'm 25 and he's 27, we'll smack each other and poke each other and stuff like that...to a point where it's mildly painful...but neither of us really mind pain all that much...if that makes any sense whatsoever.
Anyway, so when my brother does something physically that I don't like, even when he's playing around (for whatever reason) my response is also physical, and it's sort of a method of communication (I guess) we've had for a while. It works...for us.
Now, slightly more backstory that is directly relevant. In middle school I had this suspicion (before I ever heard that some companies actually do this) that chapstick and lotion were made to relieve painful lips or hands (or whatever) for a little while, but actually made them worse. So I did an experiment and stopped using Chapstick and lotion for three months. I found that after the first month or so, I could actually get by pain-free and with fairly well moisturized skin if I kept drinking enough water. So, I stopped using lotion and chapstick.
Apparently this became a big deal for me, because I don't even like the feel of lotion or chapstick anymore...and I don't like it getting on me. It's not that big of a deal, it's not like I hide from it or run screaming...but if I had the choice, I'd never touch chapstick or lotion ever again. My wife, however, uses both fairly regularly (as is common). I of course jibe her and talk about how gross it is or whatever (and she knows I don't like kissing her/holding her hand right after such an application).
We're almost 2-months married, so we're still settling in and getting used to each others quarks and oddities. So far, it's been amazing and awesome and I love spending time with her and getting to know her better...as well as learning a lot about myself.
So...my wife had been commenting on how dry my knees are for a day or two, and then one evening while I was brushing my teeth, she came up behind me and suddenly started rubbing lotion on my knees. I sort of lashed out without really thinking what I was doing. I didn't hit her hard...she didn't fall back or anything; but I hit her harder than what would be considered playful. I tried to explain to her a little, and I'm fairly certain she forgives me...
But now I'm really worried. I'm fairly certain that if I were really angry, I wouldn't use violence...but how sure can I be now? I don't really get angry...but what if I did? I mean, it wasn't a spinal reaction...I jumped a little because I was surprised about the sudden contact with my knees. But it took processing to figure out there was lotion on there...I hit because of the lotion, not because of the surprise.
I didn't realize it was that big of a deal to me until then, but apparently it is. And also, apparently, all the rough-housing with my brother has left me with a bit of a social cripple when it comes to people I'm very close to.
I'll be honest; I'm coming here mostly for comfort and/or affirmation that just because I did something like this doesn't mean I'll resort to spousal (or child, when the time comes) abuse. But I also respect the opinion of this community, and so I want to get some insight. Thanks H/A.
RadicalTurnip on
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Regardless of the response to either of those two questions, it is terribly important for reasons that should be obvious to you that you do everything imaginable to keep a watchful eye on your impulses and never do anything like that again.
Hmm, let me rephrase that: whilst physically hitting anyone is never acceptable (unless there is agreement between the parties) and is particularly bad in a male/female situation and even worse in a married couple situation (what with your vows and all), from your explanation it seems like your resorted to a form of communication you are comfortable with when you feel threatened.
This does not excuse your reaction, but it does explain it.
I strongly suggest you sit down and have a long talk with your wife, tell her the situation (if you haven't already) and really drive home how scared your reaction made you feel. You also should strongly reassure her that you're worried about even such a minor reaction and want some help on what to do about it.
If you feel concerned that you may not be able to control yourself in future for any reason, you really must seek professional help right away.
Edit: And I feel like I can control myself. Most of my overthinking it and mulling over it is to ensure that it doesn't happen again. I've found that the longer I allow myself to stew about something the better I perform in a similar situation in the future...so I'm perfectly happy to stew over it for a few more days, possibly the rest of the week...
But while I am mulling over it, I sometimes get this voice in the back of my head that asks "how can you be sure?" Which...I am within a reasonable doubt sure...I just can't be as sure, because I used to be utterly certain that I would never hit my wife or kids...and...well...look what happened.
Using that background to justify habitual physical violence would be. It's an excuse but that doesn't make it okay.
It would be abuse only in the latter, and you seem to realize that.
Accidentally hitting someone you're close to happens. If everyone can laugh about it, don't sweat it. I've been accidentally headbutt pretty damn hard before, etc.
I have a friend that had a rough life, and you had to be careful not to make any quick moves near them or they'd just react. Years later he's rather accustomed to socializing and living in a safe circle, but it definitely took some getting used to and was a slow process for him. Likely you'll adjust with time to appropriate reactions around your wife.
In this case, it sounds like you may have underlying aggression that causes you to hit people or "lash out" when upset or startled, which is a separate problem from who you hit. So your wife probably feels kind of stupid for doing this, since she realizes it was a "sneak attack," which is why she just wants to drop it.
But anyway, stew on it for a few more days to get it clear in your mind, then bring it up with your wife again to say that you don't want to dwell on it but you just want everything clear, because you're still thinking about it. There's nothing wrong with communication when you're in a serious relationship, and it should be encouraged -- but you should also know when you're just digging a hole. So think things through in your head and don't be afraid to talk about it as a sort of "finalized" chat with her.
Agree with Dru, with the caveat that you don't stop asking yourself if you did some things wrong over time. Self-examination is very helpful to have in a marriage, for both partners.
Make sure you tell her how bad you feel and maybe not to come at your blind side. That was your fight or flight kicking in from being startled.
That's not necessarily true. I've found out that when we're having a big argument, I've felt capable of it a couple of times. My reaction to arguments is to try and leave them and get some space to breathe, her reaction is to confine me to steadily smaller spaces in order to ensure that the argument gets "sorted" out. It's not a good combination. And I know I had the capability to lash out. However, I think of myself as A Good Person and A Good Husband.
I know what the OP feels like, because things that you thought you were sure of, like "wife beaters are terrible people who should all go to jail and I love my wife and I would never do something like that" suddenly don't seem so certain. If he's anything like me, that's why he made this post, because his confidence in his ability to be that person he thought he was has gone. He's beginning to worry where the line is drawn between playfulness and abuse, and his ability to notice when he crosses it.
OP: What happened, happened. It doesn't require excuses, and it wasn't abuse. It doesn't reflect on you as a person or you as a husband. Just treat it as a reminder that getting physical isn't a good thing.
And yes, Lewisham, that describes how I feel fairly well.
Yeah, I'm not worried about being an abusive spouse *now* per se...I'm worried I'll suddenly...become a monster. Which, when I say it, sounds pretty silly...but the worry is there none-the-less.
Note the word most. I'm not going to get into a semantic argument over the statistics of men who make a post on the internet shortly after hitting their wife. The point is, he's self-examining and asking for outside perspective. That is a Good Thing.
One time when my wife was coming home from work and I wasn't supposed to be home, I jumped out from behind the door when she came in. She didn't hesitate for even a split second and punched me right in the nose. I never considered myself abused. This situation is pretty analogous.
Why did you deliberately hit your wife then?
I reacted without thinking how I would react to my brother. I don't try to hurt my brother, but we play a lot rougher than my wife would ever be interested in playing.
So, you didn't. The point is that it's either a reaction or isn't.
You said twice in a paragraph that it wasn't a (qualified) reaction. Realize that it was a reaction, and that it was inappropriate for the situation sure, which means it will take conditioning.
aka, just get used to living with your wife and keep these things in mind, it's something that just has to go away with time.
This spilled over into my other relationships one day in high school when a friend was sitting beside me in the cafeteria. I was eating a sandwich, and he was just chewing on a straw. He then thought it would be funny to poke me with the straw he had been chewing. I told him to knock it off. He kept doing it. I told him if he did it one more time he'd get a punch in the face. He said, "Fine." And then he picked up the little container of salad dressing that was on the table and poured it on my hand.
I punched him in the face.
I didn't punch him in the face because I logically thought to myself that the next annoying thing would result in that. It was just the same "breaking point" I had frequently hit with my brother growing up where I just lashed out physically as the next normal step in an argument. Of course, it's not a normal step.
I've been with my current SO for ten years, the past three living together. We've been in heated arguments before, but my natural reaction during those times is always verbal and frequently just walking away. I don't get the same knee-jerk reaction to become physical, so I don't know how to tell you to "control" the feeling you experienced in the washroom.
Is this the first long-term, serious relationship you've had with a woman?
Just re-affirm to yourself that you'll do your damned best not to hit your wife again or ever to hit your future kids.
Well, most abusive spouses are genuinely remorseful about it afterwards too.
OP, don't take that to mean I think you're an abusive spouse, it's just a comment on that statement. While what you did definitely isn't okay, from your explanation it sounds like this is the way you ended up socialized growing up. As long as you realize this was not okay, it will never be okay, and take steps to make sure it never happens again, I don't think you need to worry too much about turning into a monster anytime in the future.
That said, if it does happen again, I suggest you seek professional help. The right professional can help you to redirect any anger you experience from physically lashing out to something more constructive.
My girlfriend surprised me by dropping in at my apartment at midnight after I had driven 600 miles and helped my son move and was beat. I just wanted sleep. She picked a fight with me and I just didn't have the energy for it. I asked her to leave and we could talk in the morning. She refused to leave. She insisted on continuing the argument. I said I want you to leave several times. She would not and just kept going. I opened the apartment door and gestured for her to leave. She would not.
I reminded her that this was my apartment and I was insisting that she leave. I mentioned that I could call the police and have them remove her if she preferred. This just seemed to get her heels dug in. I said if you do not go voluntarily, I will have to remove you. This was my mistake. I thought that a little gentle encouragement toward the door and she would go. Instead she fought me. As I guided her by the elbow toward the door, she turned and clawed at my shirt. I kept moving toward the door myself and since she was clinging to me, she ended up going out as well.
Once outside I demanded that she let go of me. She would not and was clinging fiercely. In the end my shirt was torn in three places, so you know she was holding on tight. I could have just abruptly jerked myself away, which would have forced her to release me, but we were on a stair landing and I thought that a sudden movement might result in her hurtling down them. I tried to pry myself away from her but could not. I slapped her hand that was tightly clinging to my shirt and said I mean it, let me go. She clung tighter. I thought she was hysterical and remembered in the movies that slapping an hysterical woman brings her to her senses.
So I slapped her across the face. She immediately let me go. I thought, problem solved, and went back inside. But she told all her friends that I hit her and they said "if he hit you once, he will hit you again." Her and her friends are all professional counselling therapists. I was labelled a violent offender. After that if I even raised my voice (to insist that an interruption stop) it was evidence of PTSD. We went to a renowned psychotherapist to get to the bottom of it. Spent a lot of money and nothing ever came of it. Seven months later the relationship was over and it was because she was "scared of me".
So my advice, find a way to stop that behavior with your brother. It can become habitual. And I hope your wife really can accept that you aren't a wife abuser. I heard that wondering if you are an alcoholic is the most certain indicator that you are. That reasoning could apply here.
It definitely can, but I think the current state of the analogy would be "wondering if I'm an alcoholic because I accidentally drank from someones drink when I meant to pickup my soda" which is a little silly a contemplation.
Overanalysis and obsession of a perceived problem can cause actual problems in a relationship.
After my experience, I found out that there is a code among many women that "A man never hits a woman." No exceptions. Any man who does is guilty of a serious offense against all women, not just the one he hit. To these woman there is no justification whatsoever. The men that are around these women are forced to agree with this perspective. Strict conformity is enforced not just by the women, but by the men as well. All transgressors become pariahs.
Turnip should not take solace from those who exonerate him. They are not the ones who were hit.
This.
I'm not going to lie, it is concerning that you would hit someone because you don't like the feeling of lotion. This, to me, is much different than a reaction of "I think I am alone in the house--OH GOD A HAND ON MY SHOULDER, MUST PROTECT MYSELF FROM THE SCARY STRANGER!!" type of gut reaction which some people mentioned.
Basically, someone annoyed you and you reacted in the way that you were conditioned to react from all those playful spats with your brother. Well, living with someone else is going to lead to some annoyances at times, that's just inevitable. If I were you, I'd stop rough-housing with your brother while you mentally sort this out.
The good news is that the fact that you're taking this seriously and taking a hard, introspective look at yourself rather than just saying, "It's your fault for touchin' me with lotion, wimmin!" That shows maturity and the ability to take responsibility for your actions, which is the key to change. You don't need to worry about the incident every minute of the day, just make a conscious effort to think before you react in the future.
I'm not sure, but it almost sounds like you agree with them that you committed a serious and grievous offense against her and all other women instead of her being crazy, spiteful, belligerent, and stubborn and goading you intentionally. It sounds like you actually believe the nonsense her and her incredibly biased friends were spewing.
Explain your situation, apologize and try to control your reaction next time.
Also, her circle of friends got their information about what happened only from her. It was undoubtedly distorted.
Back to Turnnip's situation, his wife may have "exonerated him", but I am willing to bet that it comes up again and that she will use it against him in the future. Exoneration can be rescinded at any time.
*Even though you say it wasn't this, I have a feeling your guilt is retroactively adjusting the scenario in your head.
ETA: Also, you got married before you really knew her? That's a nice big warning sign right there. Getting to know her better...2 months in, "So...what do you like to do for fun? You into handjobs?" "naw, just lotion." *SLAP*
We rushed right past what you did and instead went on to WHY. Not...so...fast
I learned this trick when my wife wanted to look less abusive to our friends and family when she had to explain why we seperated.
Look at your text - there is 10 good paragraphs there, 9 of which is talking about WHY, and 1 of which is talking about WHAT, and its a lame 1 paragraph that isnt very descriptive. The whole thing screams rampant self-justification.
You say you hit your wife - I need more details. You were faced away from her, she came up behind you and rubbed lotion on your knees. What happened next?
Did you body check her with your side?
Did you kick backwards?
Did you punch her in the head?
For all we know, you either shoved her with your body..... or roundhouse kicked her into the tub. The two extremes require some analysis.
So....What did you do?
Why do you need to know if it was an open-palm slap or a closed-fist punch to tell him it's not okay, and he needs to adjust those social mores really damn quickly?
Part of it is admitting it to himself.
The other part of it is in understanding the whole situation. If he was surprised by her and overracted out of that surprise, then a single hip check away from something that frightened you is perfectly understandable. He can feel bad about his overreaction, maybe find ways to better control himself, maybe get counseling, or maybe just call it a fluke and move on.
But what if....
He threw a couple of punches?
He blackened one of her eyes?
He Sprained something?
Its about the measure of responce. If evertime I poke you and you jump - its a sort of conditioned response. Do you need counseling for it? Probably not, because its not a huge impact on your life or anyone elses.
But if I poked you and you turned around and jumped on my skull and began to beat on it with both hands like a crazed monkey from 28 days later . . . . . yeah that might need some looking into.
What the OP needs is to realize the reaction is inappropriate and needs to recondition himself, that's all.