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I'm suffering from an eating disorder
str8derpin
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
I was big through my preteens, which I sloughed off in high school with disciplined eating and exercise. The difference in QoL was... severe, to say the least. I got a lot of sexual attention, I liked the way I looked, I got to engage in a litany of activities (sports, physical hobbies, etc.) that were otherwise off limits.
Since then, my weight has ricocheted a lot.
Skipping all of the minutia between then and now, I've shot between my 'preferred' weight and a hundred lbs heavier several times now. I can hardly take the strain, these days. When I feel myself trending back towards the heavier end of the spectrum, I become intensely anti-social. I grow self-loathing. Recently I've taken to self-denial of food that verges on anorexia. I've stopped for the moment, but the anguish hasn't subsided.
I don't know what I need, really. Hopefully some sort of soothing that convinces me to divorce my weight from my self worth so that I can control my body rationally.
Since then, my weight has ricocheted a lot.
Skipping all of the minutia between then and now, I've shot between my 'preferred' weight and a hundred lbs heavier several times now. I can hardly take the strain, these days. When I feel myself trending back towards the heavier end of the spectrum, I become intensely anti-social. I grow self-loathing. Recently I've taken to self-denial of food that verges on anorexia. I've stopped for the moment, but the anguish hasn't subsided.
I don't know what I need, really. Hopefully some sort of soothing that convinces me to divorce my weight from my self worth so that I can control my body rationally.
str8derpin on
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My basic advice I will give, though -- you should work to get to a weight that makes you happy, and then see what got you there and maintain that. It sounds like when you're in a good mood about your weight, you pay less attention to it. Healthy eating isn't about losing weight, primarily -- it's about eating a diet that is good for your lifestyle.
But again, because you've ricocheted with a significant amount of weight, I can't just say "cut the carbs, esp. simple carbs." You'd lose weight but it wouldn't solve the deeper problem as to why you went back up to your heavier weight in the first place. You should take a break from thinking about weight and seriously consider what goes on in your head when you're eating, when you're thin, when you're not, and so on.
Keeping that tension on all the time is an impossible thing. I want you to know that. Not hard, not challenging, but fucking impossible. You're not at fault when you fail to do the impossible. It doesnt matter how hard you tried, how good of a person you wanted to be, or how much it means to you. It's a lie you've been told, over and over again, that if you want something badly enough, if you need something so much your life seems to burn away while trying to get it, then that thing is within your reach. It's not true. And it's not your fault. Not one bit.
Forgive yourself, first and foremost. The second thing to do, is to turn away from the impossible, and start directing that energy into what is possible. You can in fact, alter the way that you think. You can change your beliefs, your values, and even your natural way of being. But not by yourself.
When you, yourself, make a change in yourself, it is motivated, driven and executed by your current way of thinking. That methodology and drive contains within it the very cognitive structure you are trying to change, and so it is in fact a propogation, an extension of the original form. To truly change your mind, you need a second party, a trusted resource that can guide you to something wholly different, to something beyond yourself.
Like many of the others in this thread, I want to encourage you to seek out that resource. Stop beating yourself up for the things outside of your control, and allow yourself the opportunity to experience genuine, lasting change. You can do this. You can do this for yourself; you're the only one who can.
I think what you need to do is establish habits, both with exercise (sports, running in the morning, gym, whatever) and with how you eat. It's just like brushing your teeth after a while.
Also, in my extremely non-doctor opinion, crazy weight gain/loss can occasionally mean things. Like hormone imbalances. I'd suggest you see a doctor and discuss this with them.
Yes, the weight gradient is that extreme. I'm a six foot one male, and my 'ideal' weight (where I'm most comfortable, let's say) is 180 lbs. Thankfully I have gotten over my vestigial traces of body dysmorphia. When I'm how I'd like to look, and I look in the mirror, that's what I see. So, I suppose that's one small relief- I don't always see something nonsensical looking back at me.
So, I was around 305 lbs at one time. I got down to 180 and went back up to 240, then dropped to 180, then ballooned up to 285. I got down to 180 most recently, and now I'm up to 225 or so. I kind of put my foot down and applied the nutritional knowledge that I have, last week. I do know how to eat healthily, and I hope I'm slowly creeping to the point where those habits are sustainable.
The thing that scares me more than my weight (which I'm grappling with somewhat successfully) or weight management is how totally I allow myself to be defined by my weight. Even if I eat well and exercise and nurture a totally maintainable plan for physical vitality, I'm worried about what's wrong with me psychologically that, should I backslide, my life will suck again.
I mean, PAX is probably my favorite weekend of the year, and I actually considered not going to this year's because I was so humiliated at my appearance. Even if I can continuously maintain my weight with safe habits, I'm worried about the corner of my mind that allies my weight so closely with my self-esteem that when fat my entire life must be placed in stasis.
You've got a handful of pretty potent trigger words in how you describe this issue. Enough to suggest there is far more in play than a simple preference to remain healthy.
If I were to put on my therapy hat, I would start at the beginning; and start discussing the issues around your first effective decisions to start taking control of your weight. The social pressures, the self-image and esteem issues, familial roles and representation of food, etc.
I would guess at the first few traumas, stack them against neuro-biological development, and see why and how you managed to hardwire your brain in regards to the central issues. I would probably then go through each stage of loss and gain, and pull any mirroring factors between now and then. Quite often as adults we subconsiously recreate the struggles of our youth, so we can validate our growth and maturity by overcoming them.
I would probably then guess at how a few of your perceptions have been 'stuck', prevented from maturing along the same lines as the rest of you. There are certain protections the mind puts around specific values and ideas, coping mechanisms which remain in place long after the circumstances that created them have gone. And perhaps after suitable discovery, breakthroughs might be made in figuring out which habits are required in the here and now, and which are just ghosts, rememberances from a different time and place. And like ghosts, under spotlights and scrutiny, they may very well disappear.
But I don't wear that hat. Have you ever considered finding somebody who might?