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Mental issues, wtf is mine
Altrag
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I enjoy arguing. My hobbies usually include fight sports, paintball, fast paced video games, snowboarding, and anything else that would induce adrenaline. I have trouble keeping track of dates and times, this can lead to my electricity getting shut off, my closest friends being upset with me or even girlfriends breaking up with me. If someone really gets under my skin I have a tendency to vent all of my worldly frustrations on something solid and inanimate (cinderblock walls, fire doors, trees) never other people, but I imagine this isn't healthy considering I know all the doc will do for a busted metatarsal is splint it, ice it, prescribe motrin 800 mg, and boot me in the ass. I've encountered boxer's fractures on enough occasions that I'll treat myself.
I also fall into slumps of depression, often leading me to procrastinate or straight not give a fuck about anything. I'll shut off the world. I'm not 100% certain if this is a symptom of my other tendencies or if it's part and parcel to the rest.
Sometimes if I'm having a particularly rough time I may drink to numb myself (I don't drink often but I can do some fucking damage to a bottle when I do) I'm much more likely to roll one up instead. In michigan pot has been legalized for medical purposes but I don't think being stoned all the time is a wise way to deal with my issues.
I just started seeing a psychologist last week but all he seems to do is sit and say "uh-huh" after I say something. Although having someone listen to me talk is nice, it isn't solving anything. I've taken anger management courses while I was enlisted but those are is some pretentious douchebag with a Bachelor's degree telling you that getting angry is wrong and you should count to ten. I pretty certain that I need to be medicated in some way to allow me to function like a responsible adult, I know it requires the other flavor of psych.
Anyone know what is wrong with me? How would it normally be treated?
No, I'm not running to the street to score the appropriate medication. I'm unfamiliar with the mental health process as a whole and I need to know which channels to follow.
I also fall into slumps of depression, often leading me to procrastinate or straight not give a fuck about anything. I'll shut off the world. I'm not 100% certain if this is a symptom of my other tendencies or if it's part and parcel to the rest.
Sometimes if I'm having a particularly rough time I may drink to numb myself (I don't drink often but I can do some fucking damage to a bottle when I do) I'm much more likely to roll one up instead. In michigan pot has been legalized for medical purposes but I don't think being stoned all the time is a wise way to deal with my issues.
I just started seeing a psychologist last week but all he seems to do is sit and say "uh-huh" after I say something. Although having someone listen to me talk is nice, it isn't solving anything. I've taken anger management courses while I was enlisted but those are is some pretentious douchebag with a Bachelor's degree telling you that getting angry is wrong and you should count to ten. I pretty certain that I need to be medicated in some way to allow me to function like a responsible adult, I know it requires the other flavor of psych.
Anyone know what is wrong with me? How would it normally be treated?
No, I'm not running to the street to score the appropriate medication. I'm unfamiliar with the mental health process as a whole and I need to know which channels to follow.
Altrag on
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Same thing goes for your anger management courses. If you're not getting anything out of it talk to the guy and if nothing changes leave.
Note the symptoms of irritability and difficulty with concentration and remembering details. I'm no expert, but I have had some personal experience, and I'd suggest the symptoms you describe combine to hint strongly at clincal depression.
Treatments will vary, but talk to your doctor about it. If it is clinical depression, then there's a fair chance it can be minimised with drugs.
For the anger you know what eventually mostly worked for me? Deciding I wasn't going to get pissed off like that anymore. I still totally lose it on occasion but it's a whole lot less frequent. I still feel the urge to just snap, but I choose not to do so because it has yet to ever make anything better, but it sure has cost me some money replacing stuff I broke and some embarrassment when I lost it with other people around.
As to the bills, well I missed bill payments all the time for many years of my life after moving out on my own. I've had electricity, water, phone, garbage collection, and car insurance all canceled at least once and some multiple times due to completely accidental lack of payment. I have rarely managed to send a birthday or mother's day card, present, or phone call on time in the last 15 years. All I can say is that google calendar (and possibly your outlook calendar at work) and automatic bill pay through your bank or the places that you need to pay (frequently offered through both options) are life savers.
I say stick it out with your psychologist for a bit. As has been suggested, let him know that you aren't sure you're getting what you need out of the current situation. He'll probably change his methods a bit if he's any good, I'd guess, or at least explain his current methodology. If your issues are as bad as you feel like they are, you'll probably at least get to take a test to help the doctor diagnose you based on DSM-IV in the near future and you'll probably be interested in the results of that.
You should ask them to work toward some specific goals with you, that way they know what you want from them long term, such as anger management control, depression coping mechanisms, etc.
You should also look outside the doctors office for teaching yourself through reading and practice, medication (if you end up going that way) is only going to be part of the solution, in many cases.
that said, you should stop smoking weed everyday and exercise more. it gets your endorphins up. you should also stop punching hard things. but see, you know these things already.
fuggetaboutit man. you're normal, just like the rest of us fucked up folks.
Rchou I have fallen into the trap thought of "everyone that sees a psych gets a diagnosis." Although I'm not debating the truth of that statement I think people see a shrink because they know something is wrong. I can't live out a normal life because something gets in the way.
It may not be the help or advice you were looking for, but I figure maybe seeing that I'm very similar will help give you confidence that you certainly can live a relatively normal life, possibly even without any sort of drugs or counseling. I'm not "normal" compared to most people I know, I have far fewer friends and far less desire for hanging out with other people than most people, am frequently a bit awkward in conversations because I just don't quite know how to respond to people quite frequently, etc. But I'm married, have a fairly successful career, a couple of good friends, and so on.
Psychiatry isn't a science in the sense that diagnosis means you can take a bloodtest and someone tells you what mental disorder you have. Diagnosis and treatment is based largely based upon observation and the honesty between a patient and their doctor. Science based upon observation is perfectly valid.
Psychiatry and the wonders of modern chemistry are not to be discounted. I would at least see what a psychiatrist has to say. Talk to more than one, also. I suggest consulting at least three. Not only for a consistency of diagnosis but also to find someone who seems alert and attentive to your questions and will interact as well as prescribe.
Psychiatry and Psychology are not mutually exclusive, but they are also not the same field. I reccomend seeing both. It can get expensive, but we're talking quality (and in some cases quantity) of life. That sort of wealth is far greater than what you pay for. You're getting a deal.
I'd consult more than one psychologist/psychotherapist as well. Some specialize in different branches of psychoanalysis, or have a behavioral approach, have a youth or family emphasis, or something different altogether. And like everyone else they all have different personalities. Make sure you've found the person who "meshes" with you. Honesty is again very important, and you have to have the kind of patient/therapist relationship that allows for that.
Make sure if you decide to go the route of psychiatric medication that your doctors are in communication, and that you are very clear with your doctors at all times about what you are taking. Bipolar disorder runs in my family (including myself) and my uncle nearly died from a bad combination of drugs. In fact, he never really recovered from it.
Try to say "goodbye" or at least "see you later" to drugs and alcohol. Self-medication has been dangerous for me, as well as the people around me. And any other type of therapy you are in will suffer for it as well. These things don't allow you to heal wounds or exit through them, leaving the wound behind. They tend to make cuts deeper. I think you may have had enough of that.
For the need for physical stuff that has a tendency to get violent, I reccomend Aikido... or Judo. Training yourself not to knock down anything that gets in your way and to see the futility in hurting yourself through breaking or hitting objects (or people) has been really really good for me (I used to train 'hard style' martial arts to the point of self destruction so I can relate a bit to that element). If nothing else pick up a copy of Morihei Ueshiba's book on Aikido.
If your therapist reccomends a book read it. Mine reccomended Iron John by Robert Bly. She was dead on with that one. Hell, I reccomend that book to pretty much everyone.
Three rules I learned in martial arts that I try to apply everywhere else:
First: stay alive (and well).
Second: stay whole (and heal your wounds).
Third: Victory. Completing any other objectives that you may have comes in third at best.
Good luck, man. This sort of thing isn't easy. Don't put it off.
"True victory is victory over oneself -- victory right here, right now."
. - Morihei Ueshiba
I'm not discounting psychiatry, I just don't know if I get referred post diagnosis or if it's something to pursue solo.
Money is a HUGE issue for me. I'm unemployed, my coach teaches me judo but I also help him in any way that I can so that I can continue learning.
I'm a generally paranoid sort so I sometimes wonder if my psychologist is merely stringing me along to soak up the insurance money and copays. (Don't ask how I get money for copays, it's better for all of us)
The adrenaline rush/anger/time tracking stuff points to ADD/ADHD. Essentially, the brain isn't really good at making certain connections, and compensates by amping itself up. Adrenaline does this, so does anger, pain, and intense focus. When naturally focused on something (because in that instance those specific connections are working very well), that focus is harder to break, and often comes at the cost of secondary things- such as one's ability to keep track of time.
That being said, what doesn't point to ADHD is the length of time we're talking about. It's one thing to get involved in a game or problem and holy shit its two days later and you haven't eaten or slept, and another to zonk out for a few weeks and 'come to' somewhere in fuckville because you haven't been taking care of yourself, your relationships, your clothes, your work, etc. The former is easily treatable, the latter is quite complicated.
Sometimes people who are really active and productive under stress create stress for themselves so that they are always under stress and can feel and act 'normal' to themselves. It can be a pretty intense love/hate relationship, because even though one is kind of fucking up in order to solve thier fuckups, fuckups are still going on all the time. It interferes with the natural momentum one gains by consistantly succeeding, so often there is an amazingly intense underlying frustration because these people always feel as though they are working hard, always under fire, and yet making no real progress in thier lives.
The above is nothing more than a trait really, one of a handful of things that might lead to a diagnosis. Jimmy mentioned schizoidal tendancies, and this trait falls into that group as well as the ADHD/ADD groups, psychosis, and bipolar disorder.
It's really all about just how glitchy the hardware is. If theres just a few minor things, fun, excitement, and interest might be enough to create the right environment for your brain to function productively. If there are specific parts that have been damaged, the brain tends to re-route essential functions, more or less business as usual, but create intense feelings and emotions when accessing nearly-working portions.
What you've described seems systemic. A long range ebb and flow, a system of cycles and compensations. There are short term things that go down, but if you plotted this shit out I would put money down on it being predictable in say, the course of a year. The good news is that drugs work pretty well for minor systemic issues, and can even be helpful addressing a few major ones.
On top of all this, you're also going to have behavioral issues. AKA, how the story of your life affects the way you act, think certain ways about certain things, and your personal values. These will need to be discovered as well, because everything is tied together.
A demonstration of this principle, tailored to the OP and spoilered for length:
As it turns out though, gay doesn't neccessarily mean any of those things. And you can still see yourself inside your brother, so the quest for differentiation continues. Meanwhile, all of these high-end adrenaline activities has produced a state of enjoyment you don't find anywhere else, because of the way your brain is wired. When the adrenaline flows, you feel sharp, clear and alive like at no other time.
You keep on with a fair number of things that you've picked up, and life goes on. You move away from your family and go somewhere unconnected. You take with you all of these habits, but they don't make a lot of sense in the new world, because nobody knows your brother and nobody cares. Eventually, you drop a lot of the pointed anger emo angsty bullshit, because you've hit your twenties and realized that life is too short to be mad at people just for being born. Your brain puts the final touches on your higher reasoning centers, and you've got what you've got.
And what do you have? You have habits built up around a situation that doesn't exist anymore. You don't have to deal with people you don't want to. There aren't a lot of triggers that force you to move or change, and so generally, you don't. You wind up with these long lulls of pretty much meaningless nothing until every once in a while you realize that shit is going down, and so like the screaming and kicking days of yore, you get back into action until everything is sorted. Once it is sorted, you feel like doing things again, because nothingness sucks, so you change a few things, get into a few new habits, try to establish a routine-and succeed. Gradually settling back down into a lull. Wash, rinse, repeat.
All with the underlying feeling that something is terribly wrong, because (in this story) it kind of is. You've spent such a large portion of your life adapting and proving that the skills for growing and progressing have been almost completely neglected. By creating an identity which is defined by being not-someone, instead of who you are, when that issue was more or less removed, your anchor was lost, and now you are floating, have never learned to properly establish yourself as yourself in the world.
And so, without drive, without goals or progress, even the most interesting things create nothing, mean nothing, and lead nowhere. Your life is ticking away, and if things continue without change, it will soon be gone and you will have nothing to show for it. The terribly wrong thing is that you are dying, and that your time may pass without ever knowing what it means for you to be absolutely and completely alive.
Now, I'm not saying that that story is at all true- it simply has a few of your story elements, and perhaps my own worst fear sprinkled in for flavor. It combines a minor neurological tendancy (ADHD), with a pattern of reinforcement, which is then taken out of its natural environment, and is now somewhat problematic.
The more mal-adaptive programming you have in your brain, the more problems you're likely to have. Rebuilding habits or re-conditioning yourself allows you to adapt and create habits which are are generally more successful or productive in a new environment. The reverse is also true, in that if you want to exist positively in a new environment (be in a different place socially, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc) you will have to rebuild habits and recondition yourself appropriately.
That's all therapy is really, just with the help of a professional. In the same vein, a professional who isn't helping you adapt and grow, isn't really a therapist at all.
I doubt, honestly, that there is anything horribly 'wrong' with you. You are likely just the sum of your experiences. That being said, if you had specific goals in mind, there may be a few drugs out there to help with the transition. Might get you to the point where you could actively work on yourself. The 'cure', whatever the issue turns out to be, is going to require a lifestyle change. But I'm hearing you'd like to change your life, so I suppose that's good news.