The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Lost my friends in the break-up
sanstodo
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
My first time venturing into H/A, mostly because, for once, my therapist has no answer to a problem I can't solve on my own. So thanks ahead of time ;-)
I dated a wonderful woman for nearly 5 years. The relationship ended last July without acrimony; we still talk on the phone occasionally, most to check up on family (her uncle recently died and my Dad is quite sick). She is hurt that I am in a new (and great) relationship but we'll move past that eventually.
The bad part is that I moved to my current location when we were still together. All of my friends (well, sort of ex-friends now) were her friends first. After the break-up, they quietly chose to be friends with her and shut me out of social functions. It sucks but I understand; after all, many of them are her classmates and/or professional peers.
I used to spend time with my girlfriend but she is working until May in another state several hundred miles away. So, I spend nearly all of my free time by myself, although not out of choice.
My work schedule makes it extremely hard to meet anyone in my age group (I'm 26) since I teach classes 5-7 nights a week, including weekends, with sporadic daytime hours. So my free time is usually during the day when most of my peers are working. I have tried spending time at coffeehouses in the morning and afternoon, but people tend to be either too old (retired) or too young (still college kids). I have nothing against them; it's just nice to be with people your own age occasionally.
My therapist isn't really sure how to solve this since I am actively going out and searching for friends without success. Making friends has never been an issue before; not having anyone available to befriend is definitely a new problem. On the few occasions that I did meet people on my free nights, the friendships fizzled because our schedules line up so rarely.
It's going to be majorly depressing sitting by myself at a bar tomorrow to watch the Super Bowl.
Any ideas? At this point, anything would be welcome.
I dated a wonderful woman for nearly 5 years. The relationship ended last July without acrimony; we still talk on the phone occasionally, most to check up on family (her uncle recently died and my Dad is quite sick). She is hurt that I am in a new (and great) relationship but we'll move past that eventually.
The bad part is that I moved to my current location when we were still together. All of my friends (well, sort of ex-friends now) were her friends first. After the break-up, they quietly chose to be friends with her and shut me out of social functions. It sucks but I understand; after all, many of them are her classmates and/or professional peers.
I used to spend time with my girlfriend but she is working until May in another state several hundred miles away. So, I spend nearly all of my free time by myself, although not out of choice.
My work schedule makes it extremely hard to meet anyone in my age group (I'm 26) since I teach classes 5-7 nights a week, including weekends, with sporadic daytime hours. So my free time is usually during the day when most of my peers are working. I have tried spending time at coffeehouses in the morning and afternoon, but people tend to be either too old (retired) or too young (still college kids). I have nothing against them; it's just nice to be with people your own age occasionally.
My therapist isn't really sure how to solve this since I am actively going out and searching for friends without success. Making friends has never been an issue before; not having anyone available to befriend is definitely a new problem. On the few occasions that I did meet people on my free nights, the friendships fizzled because our schedules line up so rarely.
It's going to be majorly depressing sitting by myself at a bar tomorrow to watch the Super Bowl.
Any ideas? At this point, anything would be welcome.
sanstodo on
0
Posts
That was actually one of the first things I thought of since I grew up playing sports
Interesting website. 16 groups near me (who knew there were so many Tea Party and Ron Paul groups here?), three that seemed interesting. One was basically shut down (no meetings or conversations in quite a while), the other two meet while I'm working.
Cool idea though!
Or students for that matter if your situation doesn't make socialising with students unwise for one reason or another.
Failing that, perhaps you could find some kind of hobby or activity that does happen during the daytime on week days, and hope to find friends there. This would depend on where you live, but swimming, chess, or even taking a daytime class somewhere to learn something random and interesting come to mind for me as places to start.
It's a fair point. I've tried to make friends with some of the other teachers but we rarely see each other since our class times tend to be rather different. Also, I work full-time as a teacher while others do it as a part-time job in addition to being full-time grad students or working another job. My contract forbids socializing with students out of class.
Those are good ideas for activities; I've been looking for clubs and the like. It's been hard because it's a college town, so most residents are students or professors. I could join a quilting club..........
You're right, I should keep looking for clubs and the like, maybe for parents or something? I don't have kids but I figure stay-at-home parents would have similar schedules to mine.
Mostly, I would say that if you want to meet people with a similar schedule, be out and doing things that you enjoy doing at hours that are good for you.
It's probably only useful as a supplement to some of the other methods you'll read in this thread, but if you don't already it's something to try.
I am honestly of the opinion that it's almost impossible to have a "Normal" social life if you do not work a "Normal" work schedule.
So stop looking for a "Normal" social life. :P
Ceres is right. Do things when you are normally in free time. But I also want to add, Don't be so hung up about age. Most of the people I hang out with are 10-20 years older than I am. They are the ones that have things to say that I want to hear. Don't worry so much about hanging out with people your age and worry more about meeting people with similar interests.
Gotcha. I'll give what you and Ceres are saying a shot. It sucks to lose the chance for a "normal" social life but at least it's not forever.
@perpetual: I live in Indiana.
Follow up on this idea: what sports are you interested in?
Having gone through periods of unemployment, I found that playing hockey (in my case) in the middle of the day was not only possible, it was a thing people did. Leagues run in the evenings, but facilities still run during the days. Is there any sort of lunch-hour activity you can get involved in? Even just informal practices and fooling around?
Alternatively, I understand people golf all day every day. Maybe taking up a new sport?
You say you're in a new relationship that's going great. Talk to your partner about it? I'm not suggesting make friends JUST with her friends like you did in the previous relationship, but she probably has lady friends who have boyfriends/fiances/husbands. Just getting your foot in the door with a new group, you never know if you'll really click with someone you meet and become great friends so it's best to meet lots of people.
but they're listening to every word I say
I did talk to one of them. He was pretty up-front and made it clear that she didn't want me around when she was around. And since she's very social, there are few opportunities for socializing with them.
My girlfriend is wonderful but, to be honest, her friends are immature. It is the area where our age difference becomes obvious (I am about 4 years older). My ex is actually a year older than I am, and I got along with her friends much better. It sounds terrible, but I just don't have much in common with college kids.
In good news, I may be invited to a Super Bowl party in a bit because my ex is probably not going to show up. The entire begging thing is getting super annoying though.
@chromdom: I mainly played soccer. The leagues don't run in the winter and will be after 5 PM in the spring. The timing is all off because of work. I hate playing golf. Skiing and rock climbing are out because of a medical condition.
I hope you're having fun at the party, but after this you need to find new friends and let those ones go.
I wouldn't judge all college kids or people younger than you are harshly. Maturity has only a tenuous connection to actual age though like maturity levels do tend to attract.
The party was actually a lot of fun. I got a couple invites to parties, one of which I can actually attend! Things are thawing a bit, it seems, as she's starting to move on. Or she's planning ahead; it's hard to tell.
As for college kids, I never really got along with them even when I was in school. Because of circumstances or my particular interests, our general priorities don't mesh. Philip K. Dick would probably say we interpret information so differently that we live in completely separate realities. This allows for exceptions but is usually true.
@Folken Fanel: Let's just say that I am still writing about baseball, and you've probably read some of it. It's simply not under my name anymore.
So, join a yodeling group and go do that once a week. Or enter your ferrets into competitions. Or whatever. The best way to make friends is to go out there and meet people with similar interests and take it from there.
Rigorous Scholarship
Some of my very best friends are a good 6 or 7 years younger than me; they're bright, mature and hilarious, and keep me from feeling too old to boot.
Jokes aside, college "kids" are usualy some of the most stimulated bunch intelectualy, they have more time to look up news and interesting stuff, they have more freedom in the day time, and if they're from a diffrent major but one yo uhappen to be interested in, they become awesome.
Don't shrug them yet, give kids a chance.
Satans..... hints.....
It's out of respect for her. If she doesn't want me there, then I will respect that. The party I can make is a board game party, which is going to be awesome
@TheOrange: This is probably going to come out wrong, but most of my friends are either getting or have gotten graduate degrees, and I maintain extensive contacts in my fields of interest. I'm around your age and stay involved intellectually by talking/corresponding with people at the fore. Talking to most college kids about issues can be frustrating because they simply don't have the experience and/or knowledge to engage beyond the basics.
In the end, it's not about intelligence, it's about depth of knowledge. For example, it's worthless talking to a college student interested in, say, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict if he hasn't spent time in the region. Their POV is limited by their lack of perspective, and while it's a good chance to impart knowledge, it's not a conversation between equals, which is what I want out of my friendships.
Eh, it's intense in a fun way. Before the breakup, we'd get a couple cheap bottles of wine (or some PBR), get drunk, and talk about people's research and/or random stuff like whether or not the US has any levers of power in Pakistan. Or about whether Lady Gaga is awesome or a low-rent Madonna ;-)
That is definitely true
RSS says the last blog post was May 08.
To hell with your problems! Entertain me!
Like I said, as long as you act like an adult, no one should mind.
Satans..... hints.....
Heh, thanks
@Blake T: Very true. It's not fair. But, imho, that's part of caring about someone. You try to make them happy even when they are not being fair. I hope she'll get over it eventually, and in the meantime, I'll avoid causing her unnecessary pain.
Some people go through life largely untouched and oblivious, others are mature beyond their years because of the circumstances of their life. Being older just means having had the chance of getting more experiences, not necessarily actually having had them.
What's fair got to do with anything? Is it fair to force an awkward situation on that social circle by both showing up at the same function? Is it fair to force these friends to choose between the both of them, or conversely to expect them not to choose? Forget fair. Life is not fair.
I think you are over reacting on "forcing" an awkward situation. I mean he always has the option of acting like an adult.
I am not trying to be mean here but I do not think you are completely over her. This seems like a thing that should be done.
Satans..... hints.....
True, but your assumptions are off. I have spent time in the region, both in Israel, the West Bank, and the surrounding nations; if you want to propose solutions and understand the "why" behind the "what", you need to spend time, real time, with the people who live there. It's like trying to predict American elections without ever going to America and meeting Americans. If you don't understand people's motivations and the differences between their assumptions and yours, then you don't understand the situation at all.
Of course, that only became clear once I spent time there. All my grand solutions were based on faulty assumptions. It is tedious trying to convince an armchair "expert" that they need to survive a mortar attack (or at least spend a lot of time talking to people who have) to truly understand what it's like to live in Sderot.
It is the exceptionally rare college student who has done any significant work in their field (I can't speak to the hard sciences, though). That's not their fault, because undergraduate study provides the basis for your future work so you can become an expert. It just doesn't make for particularly compelling conversation.
Edit: I'm not saying that I don't want to spend time with college students; most of my students are in college. They're not my peers, though, and what I want is friendship between peers. I really, really like my students, but they can't provide the kind of discourse I want.
@Blake T: I'm definitely over her romantically. The relationship was irreparably broken, and I've been through that rodeo enough times to recognize the signs. It was a relief when it finally ended. However, we spent almost five years together. That kind of caring never fully fades. I did not and will not cause her unnecessary pain. It's about respect, both for her feelings and for myself. I am not that kind of person, and could not respect myself if I acted that way.
Just be an adult about it (like the others have said).
She invited me to a couple of her openings and they seemed fine to me. She said they were painful, though, so I'm giving her space.
I've been through this before with another girlfriend, and it worked itself out. It took a few years for the rawness to heal and now we're fine. I figure it will happen eventually but need to avoid hermitude (not a real word) if possible. Thus, this thread (and great advice)!
I had a big post but it boils down to this: The opportunity and/marginal cost(s) of combing through college students to find the rare person who could be a friend isn't worth it. I don't have the time nor the energy to expend on such a search. It is sensible to meet people who are more likely to make me happy. Therefore, those around my age are usually best, since they have a higher likelihood of matching on an intellectual and emotional level. My current schedule differs from people around my own age, so advice is appreciated.
Btw, my schedule just got even worse, if that's possible. I'm traveling 3 hours a day (1.5 hours each way), 4 days a week, for the next month for teaching. Ugh.
Heh, your economics analogy is definitely not how I think about it. I'm a computer scientist, so for me, making new friends looks more like a breadth-first search:
1. Hang out or talk to anyone friendly enough to spend time with me.
2. If they're not my ideal friends, keep being nice to them, so I can get to know their friends.
3. If I still don't have any friends, get to know the friends' friends.
4. and so on...
I figure for every new "real" friend, I need to meet 3-5 "facebook friends" who will invite me to do stuff, in order to maintain two or three circles of acquaintances. (In case there is some falling out with the closest friends, people move away, etc.) And when you're first starting out, it is way less stressful to "find people who are ok" then to "find a new best friend", you know?
btw, I am an East coast academic-type who lived in Indiana a few years ago, and hated it.