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Help me get over this girl H/A!
Godfather
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Ok, so i'll sum this up as quickly as possible.
Way back in Julyof last year I met this beautiful girl on the bus ride home. We get along alright, so I asked if she wanted to meet up and she says yes. It took a few weeks but we finally were able to hang out.
Now before we met up, she told me through text a few days after the bus ride that she had a boyfriend, and understood if I wanted to leave. I was bummed out, but I told her not to worry about it and we could still be friends. I've had this happen more than once before so it didn't really bother me. However, when we finally met for the first time, she was practically barraging me with compliments, and making jabs at how she wanted to break up with her boyfriend to get together with me. I'm not gonna lie, it was a great feeling to have an extremely attractive girl all over me just for me being myself. We had a great time then parted ways later, but she really went out of her way to hang out with me that day (she missed two GO trains just to stick around).
The next few meet-ups she would keep this up, but say some things that you just don't say to your male friends (example being "I'm a triple threat in the sack/I like Anal!") just straight out of the blue. Couple that with the constant praise and it's giving me vibes that she wants to date me. I was going to meet up with her a third time and ask her out right there, but things came up and we weren't able to meet up again until Halloween. I had loaned her my Scott Pilgrim books, and when I met up with her she wouldn't stop apologizing about her cancellations and whatnot. We hung out on Halloween, met up a time or two later, and she even found me at this book store Chapters while I was sketching and invited me to a movie with her little sister. The entire time I was there she wouldn't stop telling her little sister at how awesome I was.
Then she started being harder to get in touch with. I started teaching her little sister about Drawing, and I heard that she was just spending a lot of time with her boyfriend through her little sis. Literally the day I left for the holidays to Texas, she announced on Facebook that she had officially split up with her boyfriend for good. This actually caught me completely by surprise, and when I messaged her what happened she said that it was an extremely messy break-up. During the winter break i'd get a lot of facebook attention received from this girl for the littlest things, so I decided to ask her out as soon as I got back. She's into Star Trek, so I got her some trekkie gear as a holiday gift and her little sister something as well.
Then when I get back, it feels like she just up and disappears for no reason at all. She's back with her boyfriend again. I still see her little sister for a few weeks, but nothing from this girl. She doesn't even chat on facebook anymore, and when I asked her via text to meet up for coffee last week I didn't get a reply at all. I only got a text apology through her little sister's phone that "she was sorry".
Now here's why it's bugging me. I found out that i'll have to return home at the end of March all the way back in Texas to save up a lot of money if I ever want to study back in Canada again. I didn't realize this until the end of January, so I messaged all of my Canadian friends, old and new that I was leaving. Every one of my friends asked me if I was free the following week to hang out and when I was going, but this girl just asked when I was leaving, and that was it. No "oh i'm sorry you have to move!" or "let's hang out and talk about it!" like every other person.
It was kinda hurtful, especially since it feels like i've been getting the cold shoulder ever since I got back from Texas. It feels like I really have to hunt down this girl just to chat with her, and to be honest it feels like if I didn't tell her that I was leaving she wouldn't even bother chatting at all.
I'm gonna feel a mix of rejection, upset and offended if we hang out right before I leave, cause then it'll feel like she only came because i'm potentially leaving Canada for good and I helped her and her sister out so much this past year.
So lately i've been letting that get the better of me, and I need some help getting over this girl. I have feelings for this girl cause she lead me on for so long, but i've concluded that she's pretty much moved on from me entirely and i'm having trouble accepting that. The reason why this is really bugging me is because i'm nowhere near as busy as I used to be thanks to not being in school. All my school buddies are swamped with work to hang out with me, and I have to stick around the house a lot to start the massive ordeal of packing.
So this results in a lot more alone time than I want, and it's clouding my sense of judgement. I figure if I keep trying to make something happen with this girl scenario it's only going to go down, and right now if I want to get out of this without looking like some sort of creep I need to just hold out from this until I leave in march.
So what are some things I can do to keep my mind away from this girl?
Way back in Julyof last year I met this beautiful girl on the bus ride home. We get along alright, so I asked if she wanted to meet up and she says yes. It took a few weeks but we finally were able to hang out.
Now before we met up, she told me through text a few days after the bus ride that she had a boyfriend, and understood if I wanted to leave. I was bummed out, but I told her not to worry about it and we could still be friends. I've had this happen more than once before so it didn't really bother me. However, when we finally met for the first time, she was practically barraging me with compliments, and making jabs at how she wanted to break up with her boyfriend to get together with me. I'm not gonna lie, it was a great feeling to have an extremely attractive girl all over me just for me being myself. We had a great time then parted ways later, but she really went out of her way to hang out with me that day (she missed two GO trains just to stick around).
The next few meet-ups she would keep this up, but say some things that you just don't say to your male friends (example being "I'm a triple threat in the sack/I like Anal!") just straight out of the blue. Couple that with the constant praise and it's giving me vibes that she wants to date me. I was going to meet up with her a third time and ask her out right there, but things came up and we weren't able to meet up again until Halloween. I had loaned her my Scott Pilgrim books, and when I met up with her she wouldn't stop apologizing about her cancellations and whatnot. We hung out on Halloween, met up a time or two later, and she even found me at this book store Chapters while I was sketching and invited me to a movie with her little sister. The entire time I was there she wouldn't stop telling her little sister at how awesome I was.
Then she started being harder to get in touch with. I started teaching her little sister about Drawing, and I heard that she was just spending a lot of time with her boyfriend through her little sis. Literally the day I left for the holidays to Texas, she announced on Facebook that she had officially split up with her boyfriend for good. This actually caught me completely by surprise, and when I messaged her what happened she said that it was an extremely messy break-up. During the winter break i'd get a lot of facebook attention received from this girl for the littlest things, so I decided to ask her out as soon as I got back. She's into Star Trek, so I got her some trekkie gear as a holiday gift and her little sister something as well.
Then when I get back, it feels like she just up and disappears for no reason at all. She's back with her boyfriend again. I still see her little sister for a few weeks, but nothing from this girl. She doesn't even chat on facebook anymore, and when I asked her via text to meet up for coffee last week I didn't get a reply at all. I only got a text apology through her little sister's phone that "she was sorry".
Now here's why it's bugging me. I found out that i'll have to return home at the end of March all the way back in Texas to save up a lot of money if I ever want to study back in Canada again. I didn't realize this until the end of January, so I messaged all of my Canadian friends, old and new that I was leaving. Every one of my friends asked me if I was free the following week to hang out and when I was going, but this girl just asked when I was leaving, and that was it. No "oh i'm sorry you have to move!" or "let's hang out and talk about it!" like every other person.
It was kinda hurtful, especially since it feels like i've been getting the cold shoulder ever since I got back from Texas. It feels like I really have to hunt down this girl just to chat with her, and to be honest it feels like if I didn't tell her that I was leaving she wouldn't even bother chatting at all.
I'm gonna feel a mix of rejection, upset and offended if we hang out right before I leave, cause then it'll feel like she only came because i'm potentially leaving Canada for good and I helped her and her sister out so much this past year.
So lately i've been letting that get the better of me, and I need some help getting over this girl. I have feelings for this girl cause she lead me on for so long, but i've concluded that she's pretty much moved on from me entirely and i'm having trouble accepting that. The reason why this is really bugging me is because i'm nowhere near as busy as I used to be thanks to not being in school. All my school buddies are swamped with work to hang out with me, and I have to stick around the house a lot to start the massive ordeal of packing.
So this results in a lot more alone time than I want, and it's clouding my sense of judgement. I figure if I keep trying to make something happen with this girl scenario it's only going to go down, and right now if I want to get out of this without looking like some sort of creep I need to just hold out from this until I leave in march.
So what are some things I can do to keep my mind away from this girl?
Godfather on
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I think you've put way too much stock into this girl's words here. Girls say stuff to get attention, even when it is from someone "off limits."
(I can say that I have done this before. I think some girls actually feel safer saying stuff like this when they already have a boyfriend because they can use *has a boyfriend* as a shield to deflect it back at a guy who takes it seriously.)
It's hard, but I would file her as "just not that into you" and move on. People change, feelings change, and it's totally normal.
Go take care of the stuff you need to take care of-- she is not worth the energy.
Uncanny Magazine!
The Mad Writers Union
Am I wrong, or did something more happen? From the way you described it, you hung out with her a few times and she hit on you really hard. She even broke up with her boyfriend. But you didn't seem to follow through, so she probably lost interest and went back to her old boyfriend.
In which case, I don't think you have anything to "get over," frankly. You're maybe creating more in your mind here than actually existed between the two of you. My advice to you is to move on with your life and put her out of your mind. And have sex with the next girl who hits on you.
Rigorous Scholarship
Personally, I train (go figure though, I'm a security contractor) and right now I'm doing just that. I hit the gym in the morning for an hour and half, then go hit up my dojo, then the range and finally I go for a run at night, I'm generally too tired to complain or think too much.
My roommate buys a new 40k army and locks himself in his studio like a crack-addled OCD master painter and comes out when its done and just feels better.
Pick a hobby you have (or pick up a new one) and just go to town on it till you feel better, forget her or find someone new. From the sounds of it you should draw, pain generally makes for good art, go ask any writer.
(just for the record, drinking is usually a bad hobby to pick)
Best bet is to keep busy. Keep busy and wait it out. Longer you sit and think, the harder it's going to hurt.
And don't drink. Doesn't help. Good luck.
also, Go watch "500 days of Summer".
It sounds like she was interested in you, and then got back with her boyfriend before you met up, and then broke up again before going back to the guy later. Issues there probably. Would you really want to deal with that shit?
She probably likes you as a friend because you listen to her and buy her stuff when she's between breaking up with the other dude and reconciling.
Focus on hobbies or fuck her sister.
Yeah I'm going to go ahead and say don't watch that. It will only make you feel more angry and worse than you already do. Hell, I watched it about a year after I had a break up similar to the guy in the movie and all it did was dredge up old feelings and make me feel like shit again.
I'm sort of "stuck" in Canada until the end of March; I can't legally work anywhere due to my visa, the things that I need to get done involve either a ton of packing or learning web design, both of which involve my mind wandering about all crazy-like. It's not a great environment to keep myself thinking level-headed! So it's kind of tough to find productive stuff to do around here. I'd like to start dating again, but i'm limited on money so a lot of options are out the window for that, and to be honest it's a little tricky to pick up women when you're not going to a school, working a job or have a wealth of social options that comes with either.
Things like working out are a great idea! Unfortunately I can't really do that until I get home, but that was a huge goal of mine last year that I had to ditch out on due to student finances, so i'll be hitting that pretty damn hard once April hits. I do play spanish and fingerstyle guitar on the side as a hobby, so I could always do that I guess.
To answer a few replies first:
You're right, but I was in Texas when she broke up with her boyfriend so there was no chance for me to ask her out. By the time I got back she had already gotten back together with the dude :?
Yeah, she is a bit of a mess to be honest. She's incredibly attractive, but also 27 and still living with her parents. At first I thought her boyfriend bested me because he had a car (for Toronto that's saying a lot) and took her on vacation, but then I found out through her little sister that the girl's boyfriend is this 30-year-old loser who still lives with his mother, so no wonder he can afford to do those things. I bet that jerk doesn't even pay auto insurance!
All she does is fight with and fuck the guy. She's told me she keeps breaking up with the dude but the sex is so good, which is not what I wanted to hear in the first place! It's a constant cycle going on, and to be honest she sounds kind of like a sex addict. I know pursuing her is a very bad idea, but oh boy, it's just so hard to go cold turkey, ya know?
As for her little sister; well, she looks like she's in her early 20's, but she's 16. That is a baaaaaaaaaaad idea.
But it gets better. Don't rush it, don't hide it, just feel what you're going to feel, handle it like an adult and soon enough it will be over.
If I were you, thinking about her in that way would help me get over her.
I'm pretty sure if you met a decent girl who was actually into you, the agony of your near-miss would subside considerably.
If you're still crushing on her, delete her number from your phone. Remove her from facebook, etc. etc. Break ties and eliminate any chance at you contacting her. It's not going to help you get over her if you occasionally throw your line in the water to see "what's up".
If she wants to get ahold of you she will, but for the most part, let her go dude.
It happens, life moves on. It'll hurt for a while but after a couple months or whatever you'll get over her.
Also, start talking to more girls. You'll find somebody else to take your mind off her.
So, they wind up breaking up, girl realizes there are a lot of fish in the sea after all, and that's that.
The lesson here is that you should either be romantically involved with people you're interseted in, or just move on, and avoid this morass of misaligned expectations.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
You aren't special.
And I say that in the nicest way possible. i'm sure you're an awesome guy, but to her, you aren't. i think this is a great way to judge a girl before you date her. If she's willing to cheat on her bf, she'd be willing to cheat on you.
FTFY
Dude, you know she just sees you as a friend (or less) at this point. You're just beating yourself up over this.
It seems keeping busy is the golden ticket here, so i'm going to try that.
As for deleting on Facebook; if it's what I need to do i'll do it, but my room mate told me that would be a bit drastic. He said I didn't need to make this big ordeal out of it, just stop messaging her, which i've done for a while now.
Her little sister is a cool person though, i'd hate to lose that tie. Would I have to cut them both, or could I just cut the one?
Also, for the love of God do not date the 16 year old sister "who looks 20." I know you acknowledged it was a bad idea, but I have a notion the idea's floating around in the back of your mind.
And then you're right back where you started.
Get up, get out and do things with people that respect you and aren't going to use you like a kleenex, because that's exactly what this girl did to you.
The only issue now is that both of them said they wanted to hang out with me before I go. I think there's a good chance it won't happen, but if I get a last minute message to meet up, do I just shrug it off or go along with it?
If you want to stay in contact with the little sister, that's your call, but *know* that people are going to think you're a scumbag if they find out about it, and there's just nothing you can do to sway their prejudice about that.
As far as the Facebook thing goes, most people recommend nuking relationships from orbit - deleting friends, deleting friends-of-friends, altering privacy settings, etc - because most people are, at heart, miserable mopers who just can't stop themselves from picking endlessly at the scabs of their own still-healing wounds. If they leave a recent breakup on their friends list, they torture themselves by constantly checking her (or his) status updates, looking at her pictures, obsessing over the fact that she took down the one of the two of you making out at Jimmy's party and wondering what it means that she still has the one of her previous ex-boyfriend making kissy kissy pushyfaces at her, and *God* forbid she starts talking about some new guy she met two weeks after you broke up, because how can she be over you that quickly. By just deleting her, though, people can avoid the sick messy temptation of wallowing in all that.
If you really have the willpower to just not care about her - not message her, not check up on her, not wonder what she's doing or who she's doing it to - then sure, you wouldn't need to delete her. But in that case, the question becomes "why keep her?" Are you going to get back together? No. Do you plan on still being friends with her? You probably shouldn't. What, then, is the point of having someone on your friends list if you're not going to talk to them?
And the more unfit you are, the more effective this will be as a distraction.
Trust me, this girl will be the last thing on your mind. You won't have time to think about her when you're using all your focus to not keel over and die when you've gone for a run.
Well i've already cut the last tie so there's no real way to reach her, so I guess I better keep myself busy. Thanks H/A, I really appreciate it!
Would you really want to be dating a girl that flirts with other guys while you are dating her? That leads other guys on in the event that she breaks up with you? Everything she's told you about her boyfriend not being good enough? That could have been YOU in 6 months.
The partners people choose, and choose to stay with, say more about them than it does about you or said partner.
Watcing "500 days of summer" will get you to understand what really happened in that situation. It's actually a pretty universal problem with girls that got you into a situation like that.
I could tell you why she does what she did but rather I'll just recommend you to watch the movie instead.
But one thing the movie taught me is that time, the pursuit of your other dreams, and thinking about her flaws will make you get over her easier.
I tried picking something that takes my mind off of things, and since packing and website design weren't doing the trick, i've started burying myself in my extend hobby of guitar playing.
Yesterday I think I put in well over 3 hours of practice, and those hours just practically flew by. It helped keep my mind off things, especially when learning new pieces, so that's what i'll be doing to help keep me busy until I return home.
500 days of summer sound interesting, but I think I should wait it out before seeing that one. It sounds like it'll just make me more mopey haha
Dude it will
I saw it after me and my girl separated and hot damn was I a grumbly fucker for a day or two again
It was like the breakup happened the second time
catastrophe